


The Shelter of Each Other

by Lola99



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 49
Words: 121,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lola99/pseuds/Lola99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A glimpse at Shepard’s life through her interactions with the people most important to her, starting with her life on Mindoir through post-ME3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keaghan

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by my first fic, Epilogue. I plan on keeping to canon with most of the in-game events, but may take some liberties with backstories and dialogues. And if you read my other story, you know I made some minor changes to the ending.
> 
> I am new at this and would love all your input!
> 
> It all belongs to BioWare, I just can’t leave it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/22/13 A/N: A couple things about this chapter have been bugging me for a while so I decided to do a little editing. Nothing major, just hopefully making it flow a little better and fixing some grammatical errors. :)

* * *

It is in the shelter of each other that people live. -Irish Proverb

* * *

 

_Mindoir, 2170_

 

Kiliane Shepard was seriously pissed.  She may have gotten her father’s looks but she certainly got her Irish temper from her mother.  No one wanted to be around her when she was angry.  So when she heard footsteps behind her in the barn, she knew it could only be one person.

“Keaghan, I at least thought that you would understand.  I know Mom and Dad don’t get it, but you’re my twin brother!  You know me better than anyone.  How could you take their side?”

“I didn’t take their side.  I just... _understand_ their side.  You’re my best friend, Kili.  Did you seriously think I would be _happy_ when you said you wanted to leave Mindoir?”

“I’m not leaving right this _second_!  But I have the credits to graduate early, and the Alliance will take me when we turn seventeen as long as Mom and Dad consent.  Keaghan, you know I’ve wanted to be a marine since we got our first toy soldiers.  And even if I didn’t, it’s not like there are a lot of other options for someone like me.”

No one was quite sure what to make of Kiliane’s biotics-especially since Keaghan had never shown any tendencies.  Her doctors said that every other case of biotics and twins they found showed both children being affected.  On top of that rarity, Kiliane’s abilities were the strongest any of them had ever seen.

Keaghan looked at her sadly, sighing.  “I know...I mean, I’ve always know that you were going to be taking off _one_ day.  I just thought I’d have one more year.  And so did they.  Kili, they’re just scared.  And fear makes people react...strongly.  Give them a little time to get used to the idea-they’ll come around.  You know Dad can never say no to you and he’ll eventually wear Mom down.”

Kiliane turned towards her brother.  She looked into the eyes that were so much like her own, light grey with the smallest flecks of green.  She gave him a small smile.

“So Brother, when did you become so smart?”

“One of us had to get the brains.”

She laughed and then sighed.

“I’m sorry I overreacted.  Also that I maybe implied you have a strong attraction to sheep...even if it is true.”

She easily ducked under his jab, laughing.  Turning serious again, she continued, “I’ve just never belonged here and you know it.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.  No matter where I go, you will always be my home.”

“I’d be lying if I said there was a small part of me that wasn’t jealous.  Taking off to see the galaxy sounds like a great adventure, but you’ve always been braver than me Kili.  And I actually enjoy working the farm.  I just don’t know who will get me into trouble now.”

“Ha!  Well, we still have a few months for me to teach you everything I know.  Come on, I think I owe Mom and Dad an apology too.”

She grabbed his hand and together they started towards the house.

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, Kiliane jumped out of bed.  She listened intently trying to figure out what had woken her from a sound sleep.  After a few seconds, she heard it again.  Voices in the yard.  She saw a light come on in the hall and heard her mother and father whispering furiously back and forth.  Going towards her door, she opened it and peeked out into the hallway.  She noticed her brother doing the same so she ran across the hall to his room.

“Kiliane, Keaghan!”  She heard her father’s whisper.  “Stay put while I go see what’s going on.  Shut that door and don’t you _dare_ open it again unless I tell you to!”

They nodded and watched their father make his way to the staircase with his pistol in hand.  Their mother followed closely with her own shotgun.  James Shepard had insisted that everyone in the family know how to use a weapon to defend themselves.  Life on a colony world could be dangerous.  They had all heard the stories but so far, they had been lucky and never had to use them.

Aileen Shepard waited and the top of the stairs while her husband continued down to the first floor.  After she lost sight of him at the bottom, Kiliane shut the door as he had instructed, joining her brother on the edge of his bed.  The next minute felt like an eternity.  But then she heard the sound of the front door being forced open and her father shout “Batarians!”.  Then all hell broke loose and everything started happening way too fast.

She heard shouting and gunfire from downstairs.  At some point she heard her mother scream and run down the stairs.  They heard the shotgun blast, followed by more gunfire and then...silence.  She felt Keaghan reach over, barely registering the pain from the force with which he gripped her hand.  Several more seconds ticked by.  

Suddenly, the bedroom door burst open and a batarian was pointing a gun in her face.  Kiliane sat, absolutely paralyzed.  He was shouting something at her but she couldn’t focus on anything but the shotgun in front of her.  He shouted at her one more time and when she still didn’t respond, he slammed his weapon into her face.  A gash opened across the bridge of her nose and her brow, blood pouring freely down her face.  Her brother jumped up and try to wrestle the gun away from the batarian.

Then the gun went off and she she watched in horror as Keaghan fell to the floor, a large red stain spreading rapidly across his abdomen.  Her anger broke the spell and she jumped to her feet and stood in front of the batarian.

“You varren-fucking BASTARD!”

The batarian barely had time to register that she had even spoken.  The last thing he ever saw was the small, human girl glowing bright blue and her fist coming straight at his face.

Kiliane had put everything she had into her swing and she felt a sickenly satisfying crunch as his face imploded under her fist.  He dropped like a stone to the floor.  She stared at him for several heartbeats before the blue glow faded and she turned back towards her brother.  He was still conscious-but barely.  She ran over and knelt at his side, trying desperately to stop the flow of blood.

“Keaghan, please hang on.  Please, you can’t leave me!”

“Kili...I’m sorry...I love-”

“NO!  No, you are _not_ saying good-bye.  Don’t you _dare_ say good-bye!”

“Kili!  You need to…to run...please…”

Tears streamed down her face as she realized that he was right.  It was a miracle that he was even still conscious and there were probably more batarians nearby.  If she didn’t get out of there she would die too, and his sacrifice would be for nothing.  She nodded to him.

“Keaghan, I love you.  And...and you were wrong you know.  You are so very much braver than I am.  Than I will ever be.  You always have been.”

Openly weeping, she watched as he gave a small smile and took one last, shuddering breath.  She watched him for a minute more before reaching over and closing his eyes.  

Moving fast, she crossed over to the batarians body and grabbed his shotgun.  Quickly and quietly, she ran to the stairs, listening for sounds below.  Hearing nothing, she proceeded down to the first floor.  Rounding the corner to the front room, she stopped in her tracks at the sight that greeted her.

Her father lay in the middle of the room, her mother right next to him.  She knew in her heart that they were dead but she ran over and checked for pulses anyways.  Nothing.  They were surrounded by three dead batarians.  Taking in the scene, she saw that two of them seemed to have been killed by her father’s pistol and the third by her mother’s shotgun.

“At least you took some of the bastards down with you,” she said quietly.

Realizing that there would probably me more batarians coming once this group failed to report back, she grabbed her father’s pistol and ran out the door.  Scanning quickly to make sure the yard was clear, she made her way towards the barn.  She and her brother had spent hours playing hide and seek there and she knew a couple good places to hide out from the slavers.

And she knew that’s what they were.  That’s what the pistol was for.  During her father’s weapons training, she had taken to the shotgun just like her mother, but hell if she was going to be taken as a slave.  If the batarians found her, it would be much easier to turn the pistol on herself.

Luckily, she didn’t need it.  The next person she saw was an Alliance marine.


	2. Janowski

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BioWare owns all, I just can't leave it alone.

_Akuze, 2177_

 

Shepard still wasn’t sure what to make of Commander Leon Janowski.  Even after six months under his command, she just couldn’t get a read on him.  Most of the time he was a complete hard-ass, making her feel like she couldn’t do anything right.  But then there were moments that she almost felt something akin to affection from him.  And she was grateful for the times, such as now, when he seemed to take her under his wing.  Hell, who wouldn’t be?  He was highly regarded in the Alliance, having been awarded the Star of Terra for his actions in defending Elysium last year.  She knew she could learn a lot from him-if he cared to teach her.  And when he addressed her, she knew that is exactly what he was trying to do.

“So, what do you think Lieutenant Shepard?”

He had called her and the three other highest ranking officers into a nearby building for a quick sitrep.  She carefully considered their mission and current situation before she answered him.  The new colony on Akuze had suddenly stopped all contact a little over a week ago.  Commander Janowski’s team had been sent to investigate.  Having just arrived, they found the settlement completely intact but with no trace of the pioneer team that was supposed to be there.  They would certainly need to do some scouting of the nearby area, but it was late and the light was fading fast.

“Well, Sir, we’ve scouted out the entire settlement and there doesn’t seem to be any indication of what happened.  We will need to expand our investigation to the surrounding area.  However, we are beginning to lose daylight so I suggest we make camp for the night.  We can resume the search in the morning.”

He considered briefly and nodded.  “So be it.  Lieutenant Briggs, set up a patrol on our perimeter and have everyone make camp.  We’ll send out scouting patrols in all directions at first light.  Dismissed.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Lieutenant?”

Shepard was on fire-wasn’t she?  God, it certainly felt like it.  It also felt like she had been run over by a Mako.  She felt pain everywhere.  Throbbing, aching...and burning.  What the hell happened?  She tried to roll over but her legs seemed to be pinned down by something.  Groaning, she slowly opened her eyes.

Oh.  

“Well fuck me,” she muttered under breath.

That explained it.  She felt like she had been hit by a Mako because she had.  Sort of, at least.  Her legs were currently pinned by a crate-which was in turn pinned by a Mako.  Luckily, it had all landed on her in such a way that, while not exactly pleasant, hadn’t seem to cause any major damage to her legs.  The burning seemed to be caused by a green substance that coated her armor and was seeping through the cracks.

“Lieutenant!  Oh, thank God you’re alive!”

She turned her head to the left to see Commander Janowski kneeling next to her.  

“Sir, what the hell happened?  I was patrolling the northern perimeter when I heard screams and gunfire coming from the south.  I was almost back to camp when the ground started shaking under me and that’s all I remember”

“I don’t know Kiliane.  I’ve honestly never seen anything like it.  They’re monsters.  You ever see that old vid from the 20th century?  Dune, I think it was called.  Giant worms in the sand?”

The first thing that struck her was that he had called her by her first name.  He had never done that.  Second, he wasn’t looking at her when he spoke.  He was staring off into the distance, seemingly at nothing.  And he was rambling-about giant monsters from an old vid.  What the hell?  He didn’t wait for her to answer him.

“Anyway, that’s what this was.  I think...I think they’re thresher maws.”

She blinked at him.  “Thresher maws?  I thought krogan just made them up to sound tough.”

“Yeah, no one has ever encountered one that I know of-at least in the Alliance.  We know almost nothing about them.  God damn it! They were spitting this green acid out of their mouths.  It burned through everything it touched.”

“Yeah, I think I got a bit of that.”

He finally looked down at her.  For several long seconds he just stared at her.  There was a haunted look in his eyes that made her shiver despite the heat of the planet’s surface.  But he shook his head and the look was gone, replaced by one of determination.  He picked up a large chunk of metal debris sitting nearby.

“Ok, Lieutenant.  We need to get you out of there.  If I break this crate it should free your legs, but that is what’s supporting the Mako.  Do you think you can move out from under there before the whole thing comes down on top of you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay, on the count of three.  One.  Two.  Three!”

He smashed the crate and she moved out as fast as she could.  She rolled clear of the Mako just before it finished off the crate and came crashing to the ground.  Janowski ran to her side and helped her get to her feet.  Her legs protested and each step made her armor shift, causing more acid to make it’s way to her skin.  Grimacing, she fought through it and with the commander’s assistance, she was able to make her way over to a smaller intact crate and sit down.  Then she looked up at him and asked a question that she was afraid she already knew the answer to.

“Where is everyone else?”

“Gone...all gone.  For Christ’s sake, it all happened so fast!  These...things were attacking, men were screaming and shooting.  Almost fifty marines, all shooting at them and they just kept coming.  They were grabbing men and dragging them off.  I saw someone-God help me, I don’t know who-I saw them get hit in the face with that acid and he just...melted.  I got hit in the back-my communication system’s been fried.  I was looking for another way to call for pickup when I found you.  I..I thought I was the only one left…”

“Sir, I'm pretty sure my comms are fried too.  But what about the Mako?  We should be able to use the radio in there to contact the shuttle."

She purposely chose to ignore everything else he had said.  If she focused on the thought of something being out there that was able to decimate an entire unit of Alliance marines in a matter of minutes, fear would creep in.  Seven years ago she had made a promise to herself: she would never let fear paralyze her again.  And it may seem cold, but she knew the time to grieve for her fallen comrades was later.  Right now she and the commander had to call for a pickup and get the hell out of here.  He nodded at her.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing right before I found you.  The thing actually looks like it’s relatively intact.”

They walked over to the Mako, which by some miracle had landed upright, and climbed inside.  Remarkably, everything seemed to be in working order, including the comm system.  Janowski made the call to their ship, briefly explaining their situation and requesting a pickup.  They were to rendezvous at the LZ in one hour.  

Shepard punched a few buttons and while she waited for the Mako to power up, she turned to Janowski.  

“Sir, is this my fault?”

He turned towards her sharply. “What?”

“Well, sir, maybe if I hadn’t suggested we make camp right away, and if we had scouted more of the area last night…”

“Two things Lieutenant.  First, I wouldn’t have agreed with it if I didn’t think it was the right call.  Second, I don’t think it would have made a difference.  You didn’t see it.  They carried everyone off.  When I say they are gone, I mean gone."

He sighed and shook his head.

"No, it is not your fault.  Shepard, you are an excellent marine and an even better officer.  No matter the situation, you keep a level head and consider all the options.  I’ve always known you were going to do well in the Alliance.”

“Always, sir?”  Something about the way he had said that word made her think he meant longer than the time she had been assigned to his unit.

He looked at her, studying the confused expression on her face carefully before he quietly answered.

“You really don’t remember me, do you?”

Shepard looked back at him, trying to place him in her memories.  She’d first met him six months ago, when she was assigned to his command.  Hadn’t she?  She tried to picture him a few years younger, without the lines that the duties of command had left on his face.  

_Kiliane sat hidden in the corner of the barn, one hand clutching the pistol and the other resting on the shotgun in her lap.  She heard footsteps nearby and held her breath.  When a man appeared in front of her with an assault rifle, she pulled the pistol up and pointed it straight at his face._

_He didn’t even flinch.  He calmly put his own weapon down and spoke to her, quietly and evenly._

_“It’s ok now.  The Alliance is here.”_

“Mindoir.  You...you’re the one who found me!  How did I not remember that?”

He gave a small, sad smile and answered her, “Well, I never told you my name or even took off my helmet.  Plus, you’d just been through hell.  Not that you were showing it then.  Shepard, I had gone through your house before I came out to that barn.  I saw what happened in there-what you went through and what you did.  You weren’t panicked at all when I found you.  I had no doubt at all that you would have used that pistol on me if you had thought for one second I was a threat.  But you just calmly analyzed the situation and laid your weapon down.”

Shepard spoke so quietly he almost didn’t hear her, “I panicked earlier.  When the batarians showed up.  My brother...he had to jump in and protect me.  He died because I froze.  I watched his life slip away and I vowed never to fail like that ever again.”

“No, his death is on the slavers, not you.”

“Of course, sir.  They are one hundred percent to blame for everything that happened that day.  But I owe it to my brother and my parents to be better than I was.  They sacrificed themselves so that I could have a chance.  And if I don’t make the most of that chance, I’m not honoring them in they way they deserve.”

He smiled at her and started to reply when the ground suddenly started shaking beneath them.  The Mako flew threw the air and landed upside down, tossing them both about the cabin.  They landed awkwardly, tangled with each other on the roof.  Shepard ran to the controls and tried to fire the thrusters to right them.  She managed to get them on their side but no further.  She climbed up to the door and glanced outside, taking stock of everything around them.  

Closing the door again, she climbed down, looked and Janowski and said, “That’s a big fucking worm.  Sir.”

“There’s only one out there?”

“Only one that I saw.”

“Okay, here’s what we are going to do.  Before the rest of his buddies show up, you are going to make a run for it towards the LZ.  I’m going to stay to stay in here and fire the cannon at that son-of-a-bitch to keep him off you.”

“No.”

“Excuse me Lieutenant?”

“I said no.  We are getting out of this together.  There has to be something else we can do.”

“It wasn’t a question Lieutenant, it was an order.  Get your ass out there and get ready to run when I start firing this thing.”

Shepard thought furiously, searching for some other plan that would get them both out of there.   She kept coming up blank. Janowski tried a different tactic.

“Kiliane, you know what you have to do.  Stay alive.  Honor them.”

“Damn you!” she said, tears in her eyes.  

“You are meant to do great things, I just know it.  Dying here on fucking Akuze is not your destiny.  So, go.  Get out of here and run!  I’ll fire everything I got at this guy and then I’ll be right behind you.”

They stared at each other for several seconds before she nodded and climbed up to the door of the Mako.  She climbed out across the top, closing the door behind her.  Dropping down to the ground, she took one last look back and then took off running towards the LZ.  She felt the ground shaking behind her and knew the maw was closing in.  Then she heard the Mako’s cannon fire and heard a horrible screeching.  She didn’t stop to look back but kept running for the horizon.  

She waited at the designated landing zone, watching back the way she had come, waiting for Commander Janowski.  By the time the shuttle arrived, she had to finally admit to herself what she’d know since he sent her away: he wasn’t coming.

One week later, she received notice of her new assignment.  It seemed that Leon Janowski had gotten off one more transmission before he was killed.  And since his recommendation carried a lot of weight, Kiliane Shepard was to report to Rio de Janeiro for N school.


	3. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos! 
> 
> I found this chapter difficult to write since it is getting into the actual game time-line now. I want to continue telling Kiliane’s story but I don’t really want to rehash what we saw in-game. Plus, this is supposed to be about her interactions with people. I just hope it doesn’t seem like I am rushing through things. 
> 
> I have used some dialogue straight from the game because it was good and it fit, but mostly have added my own.
> 
> Once again, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.
> 
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

_Arcturus Station, 2183_

 

Shepard was not having a good day.  Which was really unfortunate because today should have been one of the highlights of her career.  She had been hand-picked by Captain David Anderson to be his XO aboard the SSV Normandy, the Alliance’s newest frigate.  It was a prime assignment.  The Normandy was as much a marvel of modern technology as it was a symbol of the healing relationship between humans and turians.  There were still a lot of hard feelings on both sides left over from the First Contact War, but their best military minds had come together in designing the one-of-a-kind stealth ship.  

 

Yes, Shepard should have been happy but she most certainly was not.  And the large group of reporters sitting between her and the entrance to the Normandy was playing a big part in that.  

 

“No matter much you scowl at them and wish them away, they aren’t going anywhere.  Believe me, I’ve tried.”

 

Shepard was startled by the voice behind her.  She turned to see Captain Anderson standing there with an amused look on his face.  She quickly snapped to attention.

 

“Captain Anderson, sir. I’m sorry I-”

 

“At ease, Commander,” he said, waving a hand at her to dismiss whatever she was about to say.  

 

“Yes, sir.”  She turned back towards the group of people standing between her and her destination and sighed.  “If they just wanted to ask questions about the Normandy and how I feel being assigned to her, that would be one thing.  But no matter how they start, things always end up being about Akuze.”

 

“Ah, yes.  Drama, tragedy and scary monsters.  That’ll always make the ratings go up.”  

 

Shepard snorted in disgust.  “Exactly.  They’ve never really cared about the truth of the situation or that 49 good men and women lost their lives that night.  They only want to dramatize it and make credits.  I have no use for people like that.”

 

"I heard that you already had a run-in with one of them on your way here."

 

Shepard winced, "I guess I shouldn't be surprised you already heard about that. I didn't exactly handle it very well..."

 

Actually, that was probably an understatement.  She would be lucky if the reporter didn’t file assault charges against her.  She had heard a lot of stupid questions over the years about Akuze and even Mindoir, but every once in a while someone could still come up with one to make her lose it.

 

“I heard what he said.  He may have deserved it but do try to remember you represent the Alliance.  I’ve managed to smooth it over.  Just try not to let them get the better of you again.  I’ve learned over the years that the best way to handle them is to just remain calm and state facts.   Like you said, they have no use for facts.  As long as you don’t let them bait you, they end up looking like the vultures that they are.  And to be fair, there are a few reporters out there who are actually decent.”

 

“Very few,” Shepard muttered under breath.

 

Anderson chuckled and took a step forward before turning back to her.

 

“Unfortunately, they _are_ standing  in our way.  But what do you say we go face them together?  At the very least, I can hold you back if things get out of hand.”

 

She laughed, then took a deep breath and followed him towards the dock.  She had a feeling she was going to enjoy working with Captain Anderson.  

 

* * *

  
  


One week later, Shepard was once again standing with him on the docks outside the entrance to the Normandy.  This time, they were on the Citadel and her head was spinning from everything that had happened in the last 48 hours.  Their simple shake-down run to Eden Prime had not even remotely gone as planned.  Granted, it wasn’t exactly supposed to be a simple shake-down run, but even a covert pick-up of a Prothean relic should have been much simpler than what ended up happening.  Geth attacking, strange visions, one dead Spectre, and another gone rogue.  She really kind of understood why the council had thought she was crazy.

 

But then they went and named _her_ a Spectre, the very first for humanity.  She had a crew ready to follow her after the rogue Spectre, Saren.  A crew that included an turian ex-cop, a krogan bounty hunter and a scrappy young quarian, fresh off the flotilla.  And she had just been given command of the most advanced ship in the Alliance Navy.  It was a huge honor and she was still trying to wrap her head around it.  

 

“Not that I don’t appreciate it, sir, but why?”

 

“Why what, Shepard?”

 

“Why me?  I’m not really sure what I have done to earn all of this.  People have always made a big deal of everything that has happened to me: surviving Mindoir, surviving Akuze...now Eden Prime.  But frankly, I feel like all I have ever done is survive.  And I’ve left a lot of people behind in the process: my family, my unit, Jenkins and Nihlus…”

 

“Sometimes the bravest thing a person can do is survive.  And not just survive, but live.  You have used every one of those experiences to better yourself as a person and as a leader.  You know, Shepard, I’ve followed your career closely for a long time.”

 

When she looked at him in surprise, he explained, “Leon Janowski was a good friend of mine.  When you first enlisted, he told me to watch you and I have.  Your instructors in boot camp all said the same things about you. You’re calm, cool and collected under pressure.  You have an analytical mind that can quickly consider all sides of an issue and all outcomes to a course of action.  Your career since has just proven that.  And most importantly, at least in my opinion, you inspire the people around you to be better.  Everyone who has ever served with  you has either seen it our felt it.”

 

“Do you know what Commander Janowski’s last transmission was?  The one that convinced the brass to send you to N school?" Shepard shook her head and he continued, "He sent a recording of your conversation from inside the Mako.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“You take defeat, you take the hard times and you use them.  Vow to do better.  You _said_ it then, _believe_ it now.”

 

Shepard remained silent for a minute and then nodded.  

 

“Okay, sir.”  

 

She seemed to consider for a second before adding, “For the record?  I do believe that I am the best person for the job.  I’m just not sure I’ve earned it-but I intend to go out there and prove that I can.  I _am_ going to find Saren and I _am_ going to make him answer for what happened on Eden Prime.”

 

Anderson smiled, “I know you will, Shepard.”

 

“I just wish you could come along for the ride.”

 

Shaking his head, Anderson said, “No.  You know as well as I do that this is for the best.  You need to be in charge of this mission, unquestionably, one hundred percent.  It may not be how I pictured my career coming to an end but I believe in you, Shepard.  If that means I need to step aside, so be it.”

 

“I appreciate it more than I can ever say, sir.”

 

“Then do me a favor?  Stop calling me ‘sir’.”

 

Shepard laughed, nodded and shook his hand.  “Ok, _Anderson_.”

 

Reluctantly, she turned and made her way onto the Normandy, heading straight for the bridge.  

 

“Joker, set a course for the Artemis Tau Cluster.  We have an asari scientist to find.”

 

“Yes ma’am.  Intercom’s open.  You got anything you want to say to the crew, now’s the time.”

 

Shepard gave a short speech to her crew, making sure they understood just what was at stake on this mission.

“Well said, Commander.  Captain would be proud.”

“The captain gave up everything so I could have this chance.  We can’t fail.”


	4. Joker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks again for the comments and kudos!
> 
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.
> 
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

Shepard had just finished briefing the council on their mission on Therum.  Generally speaking, it had been a success.  They had found Matriarch Benezia’s daughter and disposed of some of Saren’s troops in the process.  And it turned out Liara was an expert on the Protheans.  She hadn’t really been able to add anything now, but her expertise would probably come in handy down the road.  

Unfortunately, the scientist claimed to have no knowledge of what her mother was doing with Saren.  In fact, she hadn’t spoken with her in years.  The council also hadn’t been exactly thrilled that the Prothean ruin had been completely destroyed when Shepard had unintentionally triggered a volcanic eruption.  After dealing with cranky, condescending politicians, she needed a break.  

With that in mind, she headed up to the bridge.  She hadn’t had a chance to really sit down with her pilot yet and now seemed like a good time.  She needed to thank him for pulling them out of the fire-quite literally.  Plus, from what she did know about him, Joker would be good for a bad mood.

He turned his head towards her as she walked up to stand next to his seat.

“So, that sounded like fun, Commander.  You know, if you ever want me to ‘accidentally’ lose the connection with the council, just say the word.”

Shepard laughed and said, “Thanks, Joker, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“So, what brings you up here?  Come to present me with an award for that spectacular bit of flying I just did?”

“Oh, I suppose I could do that...write up a report, send it in to the Alliance.  Have a ceremony with speeches and black ties.  If that’s what you really want.”

“On second thought, I’m good.”

“That’s kinda what I thought.  I do appreciate the assist though, Flight Lieutenant.”

“Aw, shucks.  So, what really brings you up here?”

“I was just looking for a bit of a distraction and thought I’d take the chance to get to know you better.”

“Seriously?  Do I have to go through this with you too?  I am the best pilot in the Alliance, hands down.  Hell, I’m probably the best pilot in the whole damn galaxy.  I would have thought I just proved that to you when I pulled you out of an exploding volcano.  But no.  I still have to justify and explain that I haven’t ever had anything handed to me just because of my disease.”

Shepard just stared at Joker in shock and confusion.  He studied her face, realizing that she really had no idea what he was talking about.

“Well, shit.  You really had no idea, did you?”

“I still have no idea what the hell you are going on about.  Are you sick?”

Joker sighed and turned back to his control panel.

“I have Vrolik Syndrome, more commonly referred to as brittle-bone disease.”

“Ok.  It doesn’t seem to affect your ability to pilot a ship, so what’s the issue?”

Joker looked up at her in surprise.  He was used to people making a bigger deal about it.  People either assumed that he couldn’t really be a good pilot because of it or worse, that he had been given his job out of pity.  Well, if she wasn’t going to make a thing of it, he wouldn’t either.  At least not any more than he already had.

“Your guess is as good as mine, Commander.”

“Joker, I trust you would let me know if it would in any way affect the mission.  If not, you don’t really have to tell me anything more about it.”

“Of course it won’t.  Unless you are expecting me to beat Saren in a foot race or arm wrestle the geth…”

When he looked up at her questioningly, she laughed and shook her head.

“No, I don’t think that will be necessary.  As far as earning your job, scuttlebutt has that you had a much more creative way of landing this gig…”

“Ah, heard about that did you?  Yeah, well...what can I say?  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  And it all worked out in the end, so who’s to say it wasn’t?”

“I’m not sure how stealing the most advanced ship in the Alliance fleet ‘seemed like a good idea at the time’, but I’m certainly glad you did it.  I’m pretty sure we would have all been toast today without the best pilot in the galaxy to pull us out.”

“I’m more than pretty sure.”

Shepard laughed again.  This was exactly what she had needed after dealing with the council.  She could feel the tension easing away.  She walked around Joker’s chair and plopped herself into the empty co-pilot chair.  Joker gave her a wary look.

“Please try not to touch anything.  You break it, you buy it.”

She held up her hands in mock surrender.

“Relax, I’m just sitting.  I promise I won’t touch a thing.  So, now that you have really had some time with her, what do you think of the Normandy?”

“Oh, she’s great!  Definitely took some getting used to the shift of balance from that massive drive core and she has a real kick.”

He turned to her with a sly grin, “But I had that figured out and adjusted for before I had even officially got the job."  Turning back to his console, he continued, "Yeah, the Normandy is probably too much ship for the average Alliance pilot.  Lucky for you, I’m anything but average.”

“You don’t lack for confidence, do you?”

“About my flying abilities?  No, not at all.  Even if I wasn’t the best damn pilot out there, you can’t afford to doubt yourself when you do this job.  One fraction of a second taken to reconsider what you’re doing and you end up with a hole in your hull.”

Shepard nodded, “Yeah, that makes sense.  I have a similar philosophy in the field.”

“That’s not to say that I don’t go back after the fact to make sure I did everything the best possible way.  Even the best has to have a little room for improvement...I haven’t found it yet, but I figure it must be there somewhere.”

“Don’t ever change, Joker.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Commander.”

“So, how’d you get your nickname?”

“Ugh.  I had to work pretty hard in flight school to prove myself because most people couldn’t look past my medical chart.  One of my instructors thought it would be funny to start calling me ‘Joker’ since I never smiled.  Real creative.  But it’s stuck with me since then.  And I was smiling at graduation, after I had surpassed every student and instructor in the program.”

Shepard smiled and shook her head.  They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Joker turned to her again.

“So...mission debrief was interesting.  You think we can really trust this asari scientist?”

“My gut tells me she is telling the truth.  In fact, I’m not really sure she knows how to tell a lie.”

“She does seem a little..awkward.  And speaking of awkward, that was nice display of jealousy that Lieutenant Alenko showed in there.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, crap.  Forgot who I was talking to for a minute there…”

“Joker…”

“It’s nothing, really!  If you didn’t notice it, I’m sure I was just imagining things.”

“Uh-huh.”

As a matter of fact, Shepard had noticed it.  She just wasn’t sure what to think about it, so she decided ignoring it was the best course of action at the present time.  She would be lying if she said she didn’t feel drawn to the Lieutenant but there were many good reasons to not act on that.  First of all, there were regulations.  While technically they might not apply to her new position as a Spectre, she still felt bound by them.  Second, they were in the middle of an important and dangerous mission and no one could afford to be distracted.  

She just couldn’t decide if she was more distracted now than she would be if she just talked to him about it and got it over with.  Sighing, she got up from the co-pilot’s chair and waved a hand at Joker.

“Good night, Flight Lieutenant.  Thanks for talking with me.”

“Night, Commander.”

He smirked at her before he added, “Pleasant dreams.”

As she walked away, Shepard decided that Joker was lucky he had Vrolik Syndrome.  Because otherwise, she may have had to hit him.


	5. Garrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks again for the comments and kudos!
> 
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.
> 
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

“I hate batarians.”

Shepard realized that it probably wasn’t fair to lump all of them together like that, but every single batarian she had ever had the _pleasure_ of encountering was trying to kill her, her family, or her teammates.  And the group that she was dealing with now was in the process of crashing an asteroid into a planet to take out an entire human colony.  So if she was being unfair, at least she had a good reason.

She, Kaidan and Garrus had just fought through a group of them to turn off one of three thrusters that were propelling the asteroid along it’s collision course.  They were on their way to locate and disable the next two, as well as look for three missing engineers.

“You know, most of the batarians you run into out here are the worst of the worst.  Usually pirates and slavers.  This though…this is something else entirely.”

Shepard was somewhat surprised to hear Garrus speak up.  She had taken him on most of her missions but he usually remained fairly quiet.  From the little she had spoken with him since he came aboard, she knew that he idolized the Spectres and seemed happy to be away from C-Sec.  She worried that he seemed a little too eager to ‘work outside the law’ but so far, he had followed her lead without question and had proved an invaluable asset to her team.  He was a good soldier and an excellent sniper.  His style worked well with hers because she had a tendency to charge right into the thick of things.  If she got overwhelmed, it was good to know she had someone watching her six who had the skills to easily pick off the enemy without endangering her.

“Well, what admittedly limited experience I have had with them has all been negative.  But yeah, they usually seem more interested in earning a profit.”  She shuddered before continuing, “Not much of that if you kill all of your potential slaves.  They usually only kill those that try to fight back.”

Garrus didn’t respond but thoughtfully looked at the commander as she stared into the distance, lost in her memories.  He had done his research on her when he had found out she was the one gunning for Saren, so he knew that she had survived the raid on Mindoir-but not before seeing her entire family murdered by the batarian slavers.  He couldn’t imagine what had been going through her head when she discovered it was a batarian group behind what was happening on this asteroid.

As the Mako came to a stop, Shepard shook her head and Garrus watched as her face again took on the expression of a woman on a mission.  She turned towards him and Alenko.

“Alright, here is the first survey station.  Let’s see if we can find this engineer.”

 

* * *

 

“I _really_ hate batarians.”

They had already disabled two torches and just now found the last of Atwell’s missing engineers.  Dead, just like the other two.  Shepard was staring down at the body, trying very hard not to see her brother’s face.  She was failing miserably.  Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, trying to calm herself.  She knew Garrus and Kaidan were standing behind her, could feel their stares burning into the back of her head.  Suddenly she turned around, not looking at them as she brushed past and walked towards the Mako.

“Come on, we have to go find that third thruster and turn it off before this asteroid crashes into that planet.”

Twenty minutes later, she felt their gazes on her again as she gripped the pass card for the main facility tightly in her hand and watched Charn walk away.  She spun around to face them.

“You guys have something to say?”

Kaidan just shook his head and looked away.  Garrus continued to just stare at her for a while before finally asking the question that she knew was on his mind.

“Why did you let him go?”

“Because right now we have bigger fish to fry.”

“Um...what?”

“It means we have more important things to worry about.”

“But he admitted to coming here to do a slave run!”

“Yes, and any other day, I would have hauled his ass in.  If I had tried that now, do you think he would have gone willingly?”

She waited for Garrus to shake his head no before continuing, “Right now, we have a bunch of engineers being held hostage by this Balak.  And by letting Charn go, _for now_ , we saved ourselves time that we can’t afford to waste by sitting here and debating if I made the right call.  Move out.”

She turned to walk out the door, Kaidan following close behind.  Garrus watched them for a bit, considering her words before he finally ran to catch up.

 

* * *

 

“I really, _really_ hate batarians.”

“Yeah, Shepard.  You may have mentioned that once or twice already.”

When she turned around to glare at Garrus, the turian raised his hands and clamped his mouth shut.

“You’ve sure picked a great time to come out of your shell, Garrus.”

“Come...out...what?”

“It’s another human expression that I don’t feel like explaining it right now.  I just had to let a fucking terrorist walk away free and I’m pissed off.  Now’s not the time.”

They remained silent for a few minutes as they drove the Mako back to meet the Normandy.  They had found Balak and saved the hostages.  The planet of Terra Nova was safe, but she had been forced to let Balak go when he threatened to detonate a bomb that he had left with the hostages.  

“You didn’t _have_ to.”

As they stepped out of the Mako onto the Normandy, Shepard whipped her head towards Garrus.

“Are you honestly suggesting that I should have let those hostages die?”

“Yes!  Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to complete the mission and this should have been one of those times.  That guy was a terrorist who tried to destroy an entire planet!  He deserved to die, not to have the chance to go out and do something like this again!”

Shepard stepped right up to Garrus and pointed her finger in his face.

“We never sacrifice people!  Never!  We start deciding that people are expendable, we start becoming the people that we are after.  I know that neither Balak nor Saren would hesitate to sacrifice people to achieve their goals.  That does _not_ mean we do the same thing.  Am I making myself clear?”

They stood toe to toe, staring at each other for several seconds before Garrus finally sighed and answered, “Yes, Commander.”

“I get the feeling you’re still not buying it, Vakarian.  But listen, we just finished a high stakes mission.  We’re all on edge.  Take some time, consider what I said, and we’ll continue this conversation later.”

Several hours later, after debriefing the Alliance and catching a shower and some chow, Shepard made her way back down to the lower level.  She found Garrus where he usually was: performing maintenance on the Mako.  She walked up behind him, and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Got a minute, Garrus?”

Turning around, he answered, “Sure thing, Commander.  Actually, I wanted to apologize to you for earlier.  I was out of line to question you like that.”

“Garrus, I’m not upset that you questioned me-I want you to question me.  It’s good for me to be held accountable for the decisions that I make.  I _would_ rather that you wait until we are alone and not in front of the rest of the team, though.”

“Of course, Commander.  I was out of line.”

“Can I ask you a question, Garrus?”  When he nodded, she continued, “What made you decide to leave C-Sec and join up with my crew?”

“Well, first of all, I believe that Saren is a threat to the entire galaxy and this mission is more important than anyone really knows.  Second, it was just time.  I was sick of all the red tape keeping me from really doing my job.  As a Spectre, you don’t have to deal with any of that.  We can go after Saren without anything holding us back.”

“Garrus, the rules exist for a reason.  As a Spectre, I may not be bound by them, but I still need to respect them.  We can’t toss them aside just to get a job done.   _How_ you complete the mission matters just as much as _if_ you complete it.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about what you said.  That you don’t sacrifice people.  I’ve also been thinking about one of the most disturbing cases that I ever had.  There was this salarian doctor, Dr. Saleon.  He was using people as living test tubes, growing cloned organs inside them to later harvest and sell on the black market.  When my investigation closed in on him, he grabbed some of his people and fled.  I had wanted them to shoot him down and they refused because they were afraid of collateral damage to the Citadel.  At the time, I was angry.  I was convinced that the collateral damage would be worth it to bring that monster in.  But you’ve got me thinking that maybe they were right.  Maybe it was the right call.”

“Those are tough calls, Garrus.  So, this Dr. Saleon, did you ever catch him?”

Garrus shook his head, “No, he changed his name and disappeared.  I never stopped looking, though.  And I think I might have found him.  Do you think that we could maybe make a small detour to check it out?”

Shepard considered for just a moment before nodding.

“I think we can do that.  Give me the coordinates.”

She set a course for the Kepler Verge and the Herschel System.  When they boarded the MSV Fedele, they were forced to fight through horrible abominations that used to be people.  Shepard was glad that Garrus had asked for her help with getting this guy.  He had a lot to answer for.  When they finally tracked him down towards the front of the ship, he plead ignorance.  Apparently, he had been calling himself Dr. Heart.  Bastard.  She left the decision of what to do with him to Garrus and she was pleased when he decided to arrest of him instead of kill him on the spot.  But then the good doctor decided he wasn’t going to go willingly and they had to kill him anyway.

Garrus was upset.

“What was the point of that?  Why did I decide to spare him, just to end up killing him anyway?”

“You can control your actions but now how people react to them.  You made the correct call.  The _right_ call.  He made the wrong one and paid for it.”

Garrus considered for a second before nodding.  

“You’re right, Shepard.  Thank you.  For bringing me here and also for everything that you’ve given me to think about.”

“You’re welcome, Garrus.  And if it’s worth anything, I’m proud of you.  You made the right call here and I know that it wasn’t easy.”

“Thanks, that means a lot.  You know, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you.”

She smiled at him and together they made their way back to the Normandy.

 


	6. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks again for the comments and kudos!  
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

* * *

“Is that a book?  An honest-to-goodness, made out of paper, real book?”

Kaidan was sitting at a table in the mess, reading and eating his lunch.  Getting lost in the pages of a good book was one of his favorite ways to relax after a difficult mission.  At the sound of a familiar voice, he looked up at the person who had just sat down across from him.  And then found himself lost for a completely different reason.  

At first glance, her eyes were a light steel grey.  But as he fell further into their depths, he noticed the flecks of green.  A lovely shade of green that became more noticeable when her eyes shone with emotion.  Such as now, when they looked...amused?  Oh, right.  She had asked him a question.

“Sorry, Commander, I uh…”

Kaidan decided not to finish explaining why he had just been staring at her, and instead chose to answer her original question, “Yes.  Yes it is.  I always bring a few with me on a tour.  I guess it’s my anchor to home.  My mom loves books and my parents have a large library at their place in Vancouver.  Mine is nowhere near as impressive as theirs, but I have hard copies of most of my favorites.”

“I love books!  May I?”

Kaidan nodded and handed the book over to her.  He watched the smile on her face get bigger as she took it from him and read the cover.

“The Hobbit?  This is one of my favorites too.  I remember my dad reading it to my brother and me when we were little.  And then I’d make my brother go act out everything they did.  I remember one time, we were still pretty young.  My parents had to go out and they had one of our elderly neighbors watch us.  Mrs. Wallace, I think.  Poor Mrs. Wallace.  Had no idea what she was in for.  I don’t even remember what part it was-maybe the trolls, but for some reason I had picked my brother up and I dropped him.  Right on his head.  Opened up a gash right across the top of his skull.  Mrs. Wallace fainted, but Keaghan just jumped right up and wanted to try again.”

She laughed at the memory and Kaidan suddenly found it hard to breathe.  He had thought she was beautiful from the first time he saw her step onto the Normandy with Captain Anderson.  But as she laughed, her face transformed and she was stunning.  Her eyes caught his and held for just a second before she blushed and looked away.  

Damn it!  What was his problem?  She was his commanding officer and here he was staring at her like a lovesick teenager.  He needed to get a grip!  He meant to excuse himself, to get to his workstation and away from her.  He really did.  

Instead he said, “Would you like to borrow it?  Like I said, I always bring a few with me, so I can break out one of my others.”

“Really?  Are you sure?”

When he nodded, she gave him a huge smile.  Then she thanked him, grabbed the book and went towards her quarters.  He didn’t even realize his eyes had followed her all the way to her door until he heard a snort coming from his left.  He looked over to see Ash looking at him and laughing.

“You sure got it bad, LT.”

He cursed under his breath and got up from the table, throwing what he hoped was an intimidating glance towards her as he said, “Can it, Chief.”

She only laughed again as she answered, “Sir, yes, sir!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The following afternoon, Kiliane found Kaidan working on one of the panels outside the med bay.  She held back for a bit, watching him work and thinking about yesterday.  She had caught him staring at her a couple of times and she had to admit that she had been flattered.  More than flattered, she was interested.  If she was completely honest with herself, she had felt an attraction towards him from that first moment she came aboard the Normandy and found herself blindsided by his warm eyes and smile.  These last few weeks she had been getting to know him better and it had only intensified the attraction.  He was strong, driven, intelligent, kind, and passionate.  

If only they had met at a different time and place.  Despite the fact that she was a Spectre, she was still an Alliance marine and she was his superior officer.  They had talked at length about their pasts and she knew they were both dedicated to the Alliance, feeling that it provided them a chance at a life they might not have had otherwise.  They were both determined not to do anything to jeopardize that.

Even if that weren’t true, they were in the middle of mission where neither of them could afford to be distracted.  Unfortunately, she feared that they were both already were.  They obviously needed to at least talk about it.   

Taking a deep breath, she cleared her throat.  He looked up in surprise and then smiled at her.

“Hello Commander.”

“Hi Kaidan.  I was wondering if you had a few minutes to talk.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Well, first of all, I wanted to return your book to you and thank you again for letting me borrow it.  It brought back some great memories for me.”

“Well, you’re welcome but are you seriously telling me you already read the whole thing?”

“Yeah, well, I was having trouble sleeping last night, so...I may have stayed up all night to read it.”

His hazel eyes focused on hers and she could see the concern in them.  As he took the book from her, he asked, “The Cipher?”

She nodded, “Yeah, I guess my brain is still trying to make sense of it all.  Add that to the fact that we just fought a mind-controlling giant plant with an army of spitting zombies at it’s disposal and I was having some pretty crazy dreams.”

“Ha! Yeah, it did remind me of an old horror vid.  I’m surprised we weren’t all having bad dreams.”

“Yes, well, I guess I’m just special that way.  But seriously, thank you again.  It was nice to get lost in happy memories instead.  Maybe after we catch Saren...maybe it’s time for me to go back to Mindoir.  After...well, I couldn’t deal with it for a long time and I just had everything from my family’s home boxed and put into storage.  I know the memories will always be bittersweet, but last night they were also comforting.”

“Well, then I’m glad I could help, Kiliane.”

She looked up in surprise when he used her first name and he suddenly blushed and looked slightly panicked.

“I-I don’t know-”

She held up a hand, smiled and said, “No, Kaidan, it’s ok.  It just surprised me is all.  You are usually such a stickler for protocol, even when we’re having an informal chat.  I actually liked it, you should use my first name more often.  No one else does.”

“Um, ok.”

They stared at each other, neither speaking.  As the silence dragged on, Kiliane was cursing herself.  She had no trouble charging headfirst into a battle with geth, batarain pirates, or krogan warlords, but put one handsome marine in front of her and she froze.  She had no clue how to approach the conversation but she knew it needed to happen.  So it just made her fall for him a little more when he finally spoke up.

“So, uh...is this the other thing you wanted to talk about?” he asked, pointing a finger at her and then back at himself.

She sighed and nodded her head.  Trying to find the right words, she said, “Yeah, I think we probably should talk about it.  I like you Kaidan.  A lot.  And unless I am completely misreading things, you feel the same way.”

He gave her a small smile and said softly, “No, you’re not misreading anything.”

“We are both marines.  We are both feeling bound by regulations that say there’s nothing we can do about that.  That say that if we act on those feelings, it would only serve as a distraction from our duties.  The problem that I’m having is that I’m already distracted.  For the first time in my career, I want to break the rules.  And I’m not sure how to convince myself not to.”

“I don’t think I can help you there.  I seem to be having the same problem.”

Setting the book to the side, he took a step towards her and took her hands in his own.  She couldn’t hide the small shiver that passed through her when he did.  He grinned.    

“So, Kiliane, what do we do?”

“I think we focus on the mission so that we can catch Saren and put a stop to the Reapers returning.  And do it as fast as we can because for the first time in my life, I am looking forward to the down time after a mission.”

She leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss on his cheek.  

“Thanks for the chat, Kaidan,” she whispered before slipping her hands from his, turning around and walking back towards the elevator.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The part where Shepard describes goofing around with her brother is based on something that my brother and I did when we were kids. The ‘elderly neighbor’ was actually our great-grandmother who I’m pretty sure was hesitant to babysit us again after that. :)  
> And just like she found the memory bittersweet, so do I. I lost my brother a couple years ago, and with the holidays coming up, I’ve been thinking of him frequently. So, that part was for you baby brother.  
> And to all my readers, please wear your seatbelt. They really do save lives.  
> Lots of love,  
> Lola


	7. Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the comments and kudos!  
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

* * *

 

“Wait, did you say that Matriarch Benezia is here?  Right now?”

The woman didn’t look pleased at being interrupted, but she nodded her head.

“Yes, she arrived a few days ago with a squad of commandos and several large crates.  She went up to Peak 15 but a snowstorm has since closed access to the area.”

“I see.  Excuse me for a moment.”

Shepard pulled Garrus and Kaidan aside.  They had just arrived on Noveria to investigate Geth activity in the area.  They hadn’t even gotten into the port yet and had already had all sorts of trouble.  It was all from the local corporate security and mostly just annoying.  Finding out that Benezia was here made her think they were in for a lot more.  And with commandos and crates of what she was sure were geth, she was certain it would be less of the annoying variety and much more deadly.

“Garrus, I need you to go back to the Normandy for me.  The Matriarch is here and it sounds like she is ready for a fight.  I want everyone prepared for trouble and a quick exit.”

She thought for a second before adding, “And can you send Liara back here?”

He nodded and headed back towards the dock.  A few minutes later, Liara made her way to them.

“Shepard, is it true?  My mother is here?”

“Yes, apparently.”

“Ah.  So you wish to make sure that I will not be a problem?”

“No Liara, I trust you.  I actually want you to come with us.”

Both Liara and Kaidan looked at her in shock.  She chose to ignore Kaidan, instead focusing her attention on the asari.  

“I know you haven’t spoken with her in years, but you still know your mother better than any of us.  If there is any way to reason with her, to maybe find out exactly why she has allied herself with Saren, I’m hoping that you can help.  After speaking with Shiala on Feros, it sounds like she may have been brainwashed.  But I still feel like there is some piece to this puzzle that we are missing.”

Shepard hesitated before continuing, “Liara, I’m hoping we can talk to her, but it sounds like she came prepared for a fight...and if what Shiala said was true, she may no longer be capable of seeing reason.  But I want you to know that I don’t expect you to fight against your mother.”

Liara did not hesitate.  She met Shepard’s eyes and said, “I am with you.  The fate of the galaxy may be at stake here.  You do not need to worry that I will turn against you.”

Shepard nodded.

“Good.  Let’s move out.”

 

* * *

 

 

Several hours later, Shepard made her way to the med bay to check on Liara.  They had found Matriarch Benezia and received information from her that would help them to track Saren down.  Unfortunately, they had been forced to kill her when it became clear that her mind was no longer her own.  She had a few brief moments of lucidity before the end and Shepard was grateful for that.  Not just because of the important information they were able to get from her, but also because Liara was able to get a small amount of closure.

The door to Liara’s quarters hissed open and the she looked up from her work as Shepard walked through.

“Commander, have you come to check up on me?”

“I wanted to see how you were holding up.  I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been for you.”

“I am fine Shepard, but I thank you for your concern.  I have chosen to remember my mother as she was.  Before Saren infected her mind.  And I am grateful to you for bringing me along.  Although it was difficult to see her as she was, I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye.”

“I’m sure she was glad to have you with her at the end as well.  And to have a chance to tell you that she was proud of you.”

Liara gave her a small smile.  Shepard saw the sadness in her eyes but she also saw the strength.  She had to admit that she had been impressed by the way the asari had handled herself throughout the entire mission on Noveria.  She knew that all asari had biotics but Liara had still surprised her.  Since coming aboard the Normandy, she had been quiet and reserved, but in battle she had not hesitated to show the full force of her abilities.  Maybe she should take her on missions more often.

For now, she just laid her hand on Liara’s shoulder and said, “If you need anything at all, let me know, ok?  It’s important to take time and grieve.”

“I suppose that you understand that all too well.”

“Oh?”

“Oh!  I-I’m sorry.  I was...curious about you and so I did some research into your past.  I wanted to see what has brought you to this point and made you who you are.”

“Liara, if you wanted to know about me, you could have just asked.  Of course, I understand that you felt like you needed to know more about me.  We are all strangers to you.”

Liara smiled and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you for understanding.  I am sorry I did not just come to you with my questions.  I have never dealt with humans before.  To be honest, I don’t deal with many other people of any species.  If you couldn’t tell.”

Shepard laughed and said, “Yeah, I kind of figured.  So, you spend a lot of time alone when you are doing a dig?”

“Yes, for the most part.  Sometimes I have some other people around to assist.  But I prefer to work alone.  I find that I am able to concentrate and focus better that way.”

“Do you ever get lonely?”

Liara nodded.

“Yes, sometimes.  In fact, I find that I am enjoying being a part of your crew.  Being among so many other people, I am learning so much.  Thank you for letting me be here.  And thank you for trusting me today.  That means a lot to me.”

“You haven’t given me any reason not to, Liara,” She chuckled before continuing, “And I’m honestly not sure you would know how to lie to me even if you wanted to.”

Liara laughed and said, “You are probably correct.  It is certainly not something I have had much experience with.”

“I was, however, very impressed with your combat skills today.  You know how to handle yourself in battle.”

“Well, I do spend a lot of time alone in remote locations.  I had to learn how to protect myself.”

“Huh.  I hadn’t considered that, but it makes sense.”

Shepard carefully studied Liara before continuing, “I think I may have misjudged you.  You are certainly stronger than I gave you credit for.  It’s just a hidden strength, not on display, but taken out when needed.”

Liara blushed.

“Thank you, Shepard.  I truly appreciate your kindness.  For now, I think I would like to be alone with my memories.  But maybe we could talk more tomorrow?”

Shepard smiled and said, “I look forward to it.  Remember what I said, Liara.  If you need anything, just let me know.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Shepard was in her quarters reading over reports when she heard a soft knock at her door.  Setting the datapad aside, she walked to the door and opened it to find Liara on the other side.  

“Hello Shepard.  I was wondering if you had some time to talk?”

“Sure Liara.”

She smiled at the asari and led her inside, offering her a chair.

“How are you doing today?”

“I am well, thank you.  I wanted to thank you again for yesterday and to tell you that I enjoyed talking with you.”

“I’m glad that we had a chance to talk as well.”

Liara shifted in her chair and twisted her hands nervously.

“Liara, is something wrong?”

“Shepard, I...am not very good at this...”

“Just take your time”

Liara took a deep breath before continuing, “Shepard, I find myself attracted to you and I wonder...I wonder if there is a chance you might feel the same.”

Shepard just sat in shocked silence for several long seconds.  She had not seen this coming at all.  Liara started fidgeting again and she realized she had to say something.

“Liara, I...am flattered, but I need to be honest with you.  I think that you are a wonderful person and I am truly glad to have the chance to get to know you.  But I do not find myself attracted to you.  Plus...there is someone else.”

“I see.  The lieutenant.”

It was not a question, so Shepard did not answer.  

“Well...I feel rather foolish.”

“Liara, please don’t feel that way.  I-”

Suddenly, Joker’s voice rang out overhead.

“Commander, I have Admiral Hackett on the comm.  Big surprise!  The Alliance needs you again.”

Sighing, Shepard replied, “Give me one minute and patch him through to my quarters.”

She turned towards Liara and put a hand on her shoulder.

“I am sorry that I cannot return your feelings, but I really do enjoy talking with you.  I hope that we can continue to have these discussions.  I think we could be good friends.”

“Thank you, Shepard.  I think I would like that very much,” Liara said softly.  Then she gave Shepard a small smile and walked out of the room.

 


	8. Wrex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter kinda got away from me. I blame Wrex. Seriously, if I had to pick one character from any of the games to have a few drinks and shoot the shit with, it would be him. And when I woke up in jail the next morning, it would totally be worth it. :)  
> Thanks again and a million times over for the comments and kudos!  
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

* * *

 

Shepard was taking some time to check out her new apartment on Intai’sei.  She had won it from Admiral Ahern when she had beat his ‘special’ training simulation on Pinnacle Station.  It was a nice place.  Hopefully, after she caught Saren, she would have a chance to enjoy it.

They were so close to the end of this, she could feel it.  Tension was mounting and she had given the entire crew a few hours of shore leave.  Then they were headed to Virmire to find out what the salarian infiltration team had uncovered.

She was looking through the messages on the terminal when she heard a chime at the front door.  Walking over and opening it, she was surprised to find Wrex on the other side.

“Wrex?”

“Shepard.”

“Um, hi.  Come on in.”

She stepped back from the door and indicated towards the other end of the apartment where a table and chairs were set up.  Wrex looked around the apartment as they walked over and sat down.

“Nice place you got here, Shepard.”

“Thank you.”

Shepard studied Wrex across the table.  She couldn’t figure out what would bring him here.  He wasn’t usually one to seek out other people.  The few times that they had spoken, she had sought him out and had practically had to force a conversation from him.  Of course, it was always worth it.  There was something about the mercenary that she really liked, certainly more than most other krogan that she had met.  He had a sharp mind and didn’t seem to be as quick to violence.  

After sitting in silence for a while, Shepard realized he wasn’t going to be starting this conversation either.  She would need to pry whatever it was that he wanted out of him.

“So Wrex, I’m sure you didn’t come here just to look at my apartment.  What’s up?”

He sat silently watching her across the table for a few more seconds before he finally answered.

“Hmm...you remember when you asked me why I became a mercenary?”

“Yes, you gave me some shit answer about earning credits.  Obviously not the real answer, but I figured you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Ha!  You’re smarter than you look Shepard.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and said, “Uh-huh.  So, what’s the real story?”

“After the uprising, I tried to get the tribes on Tuchanka to work together.  Some felt we should continue the fight, but we didn’t have the numbers.  I thought we needed to focus on breeding and growing stronger.  At least for one generation.  And I was getting support.  But, there was a warlord, Jarrod, who strongly opposed me.  He just wanted to fight and didn’t care who.  If it wasn’t the turians and salarians, he focused on other krogan.  He didn’t like that people were starting to follow me, so he called for a Crush.”

“A Crush?”

“A meeting of tribes on neutral ground.  He chose The Hollows, a sacred place containing the graves of our ancestors.  Violence is forbidden there.”

“So, you suspected a trap?”

Wrex nodded.

“But even krogan hold certain things sacred.  When you are invited to a Crush by your father, you go.”

Shepard’s eyes widened in surprise.  

“Jarrod is your father?”

“He was.  Until that day.  We tried talking and it went nowhere.  When he could see he would not be able to turn me or my supporters, he gave a signal to his men.  They had been hiding in the graves.  My people were quickly overrun and it came down to me and Jarrod.  The fight was brutal.  I managed to escape with my life, but not before I sank my dagger deep into my father’s chest.”

“So, why did you leave?”

“Because I realized what my people had become.  The genophage will not kill the krogan, Shepard.  They are doing it to themselves and I wanted no part of it.”

She considered for a moment before asking, “So, why are you telling me this now?”

“Before I left, I made an oath to my father’s father.  Our family battle armor, worn by five generations of Urdnot before the war, had been taken from him after the uprising.  We were not allowed to have weapons or armor.  It was taken by the turian military, but has since ended up in the hands of a profiteer, Tonn Actus.  A turian scum who has made millions of credits by selling stolen krogan relics.  I swore that I would find it and claim it again for Clan Urdnot.”

“Okay, so you’ve found it.  Where is it?”

“I know we have to get to Virmire.  But, Shepard, he’s _here_.  I’ve received information that some of his known associates have been spotted here in the Phoenix System.”

Shepard considered for only a moment before nodding.

“All right.  I’ll let everyone know we have one more quick stop to make before we hit Virmire.”

Wrex met her eyes and said, “I appreciate it Shepard.”

He stood up and made towards the door.  Shepard followed close behind.

“Wrex, I’m heading back to the Normandy myself.  Do you want a ride?”

He looked out the window at the Mako sitting there and then back at her.  He grimaced.

“Um, thanks.  But I think I’d like to walk.”

As he walked out the door, Shepard called after him.

“Oh come on!  I’m not _that_ bad!”

Wrex just chuckled and kept walking.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, Shepard finally got him into the Mako with her.  Their scans of the Phoenix System had turned up a structure on Tuntau and Joker was getting ready to drop them nearby.  They landed easily on the nearest patch of open terrain and Shepard pointed them towards the blip on the radar that indicated the structure.  She could hear Wrex mumbling in the back.  

She couldn’t quite understand everything he said, but she swore she heard, “Not that bad, she says….allowed to go _around_ the mountain for Vaul’s sake…”

“Put your harness on and quit your whining.  I swear, you are the biggest baby of a krogan that I have ever met.”

She heard Kaidan snort, followed shortly by a growl from Wrex.  Laughing to herself, she continued over the mountain towards their destination.  As they got close, she looked down at the radar.

“Guys, get ready.  I’m seeing several heat signatures.”

Sure enough, as soon as the structure came into view, they were under fire.  Kaidan and Wrex easily dispatched of the outside guard with the Mako’s weapons and she drove up to the door.  They all exited the vehicle and cautiously approached the building, entering into a small front room.  It was empty except for stacks of crates along the walls.

Wrex looked around and some of the cargo and then met Shepard’s eyes.

“This is the place.”

She nodded to him and then looked to Kaidan, who was running a scan of the room beyond.

“What do you got, Lieutenant?”

“I’m reading at least nine heat signatures spread out throughout the main area, on the other side of this door.  Most of them are on the main floor, but I’ve got two up high.  Probably snipers.”

“Okay.  You and I will take cover on either side of the door.  Wrex, I’m letting you taking point on this one.”

He nodded gratefully to her and they all got into position.  On his signal, they all made their way into the room.  Making their way from cover to cover, they systematically took out all the pirates until only Actus himself remained.  He was wounded and they had him cornered.  She saw Kaidan start towards him and stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s all yours Wrex.”

She and Kaidan walked away to go look through some of the crates.  They had made their way up to the second level when she heard a shotgun blast.  A few minutes later, Wrex joined them in the storage room, making his way towards a safe on the back wall.  He tried to open it for a bit and then threw his hands up in frustration.

“Argh!  Damn thing is locked.”

Kaidan moved up and said, “Here, let me.”

He hacked into it within seconds, the door swinging open.  Wrex pulled out an old, battered set of krogan battle armor.  He ran his hands over it, looking at it and not saying a word.  It was obviously what they had come for, so Shepard and Kaidan made to leave.  She was halfway out the door when Wrex spoke.

“Shepard.”

She stopped and turned towards him but didn’t say anything.

“Thank you.  It may look like a piece of junk and honestly, it is.  But it’s _my_ piece of junk.”

Shepard met his eyes and nodded once.

“Anytime Wrex.”

Turning towards the door, she said, “Now, let’s go find out what the salarians found on Virmire.”

 

* * *

 

“Is he going to be a problem?”

Shepard watched Wrex walk away from her on Virmire.  He was angry and he honestly had every reason to be.  So when the salarian captain asked if he was going to be a problem, she silently hoped that he wouldn’t.

But out loud she said, “No.  I’ll go talk to him.”

As she walked along the beach towards Wrex, she thought about the situation.  They had landed on Virmire and found the infiltration team, lead by Captain Kirrahe.  His team had discovered a breeding facility on the planet.  A _krogan_ breeding facility.  Saren had somehow cured the genophage and was making an army of krogan to follow him.  Kirrahe had requested backup from the Council to take out the facility, but their message had not been clear.  So they had sent Shepard and now they were stuck.  Saren had been alerted to their presence and they wouldn’t be able to leave without being shot out of the sky.  So, they were going to have to figure out how to complete the mission with the limited resources they had.

And she had to deal with a very angry Wrex, who was understandably upset about the idea of destroying the only known cure to the genophage.  She approached him cautiously.  He had his shotgun out and was...shooting fish.

“Wrex?”

He didn’t look up and just said, “Shepard.”

“I’m not even going to try and pretend I know what you are feeling right now.  I sincerely wish that we didn’t have to do this.”

With a growl, Wrex turned around and pointed his shotgun at her.

“Explain to me exactly why we _need_ to destroy the only known cure for my people, Shepard.  Why is it _necessary_?”

She didn’t flinch.  She raised her hands in the air before taking a step towards him.

“Wrex, I need you to think about this carefully.  Think about Jarrod and why you left Tuchanka.  Saren has manipulated these krogan, using their love of the fight and their hatred of the genophage.  He is _using_ them.  This is not what you want for your people, is it?  This is not the path to securing your future.”

He didn’t respond.  The longer they sat there, eyes focused on each other, the more nervous she became.  She thought she knew him, what he was about, what he wanted.  But what if she was wrong?  What if the desire for a cure clouded out every other rational thought?  Just when she had decided to reach for her own weapon, he put his away and spoke.

“Okay.  I trust you Shepard.  And you’re right.  I don’t want my people used as tools.  Again.  I’m still not happy, but you have been a friend to me and I will follow your lead.”

She put her hand on his shoulder and said, “I appreciate it Wrex.  I know it’s not easy and I am truly sorry to have to ask this of you.”

He sighed before asking, “So, what’s the plan?”

“I’m not sure yet.  I’ve got to go check in with Kirrahe.  Get everyone together for me and I’ll be right back.”

After she checked in with the salarian captain and heard his crazy, suicidal but decidedly _brilliant_ plan, she made her way back to her crew and explained it to them.

“Okay, I need a small team with me.  Kaidan, I’m sending you with the salarians.  No heroics, understood?  You only need to be a distraction.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Garrus, I want you with me.  Wrex, I’m leaving it up to you.  You come with me and you’ll be fighting against Saren’s krogan.  Or you can guard the bomb and I’ll take Liara.”

“I’m with you Shepard.”

“Good.  Okay, then.  Everyone else stay with the ship and protect the bomb until Ashley can get it in position and arm it.”

She met everyone’s eyes in turn and said, “You all know what to do and you all know what’s at stake.  Fight like I know you can and I’ll see you _all_ aboard the Normandy when we’re done.”


	9. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, yeah. This chapter is a bit longer than my others. And it contains a little bit of...adult stuff...near the end. I’ve never written anything like that before, so I hope I did all right. :)  
> As we here in the U.S. approach our Thanksgiving holiday, I want to say how incredibly THANKFUL I am for all of you who take the time to read, comment & leave kudos on my stories!  
> And let you know my updates might not be as frequent moving into the holidays. We usually have a lot of traveling to do. I have one more chapter planned to bring the events of ME1 to a close, and I should be able to get that one out fairly soon, but it might slow down a bit after that.  
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.  
> Aaaand….BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone. :)

_“What the hell do you think you’re doing Chief?”_

_“I’m making sure this nuke goes off.”_

_“Ashley!”_

_“It’s done.  Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here.”_

_“Negative!  We can hold our own.  Go get Ash.”_

_“Screw that, Lieutenant!  Commander, you know what you have to do.”_

_“...Joker, meet me at the AA tower.  Kaidan, we’re on our way...I’m sorry Ash...I’m so sorry.”_

_“Don’t be Commander.  It’s the right call and we all know it.”_

Kiliane sat in the comm room with her head in her hands, going over the mission again and again, looking for where she went wrong.  The final conversation between the three marines kept repeating in her head, haunting her.  She’d lost people before.  Hell, she had lost everyone in her unit on Akuze.  

But this was different.  She had _chosen_ to leave Ashley behind.  And she was desperately trying to figure out if it had been a personal decision or a professional one.  She heard the door open, but didn’t look up.  She knew everyone would be coming in for the debrief, but she wasn’t ready to face them yet.

“Kiliane.”

When she didn’t answer him, Kaidan knelt down in front of her.  He put a hand behind her head, forcing her to meet his eyes before he spoke.

“First, this wasn’t your fault.  You had to leave someone behind, and that _wasn’t your fault_...I just... need you to tell me that she didn’t die because of me.  Because of us.”

She felt the tears, but she refused to let them fall.  She looked into his eyes and saw her pain echoed there.  

“Kaidan, I...I don’t know what to say.  By going to you, I was able to pull what was left of the infiltration team out as well.  That was the right call, I don’t doubt that.  But I don’t...I don’t know if I would have made the same call if you had been with the bomb…”

He didn’t answer her right away, he just studied her face intently.  She had no idea what he was thinking but she could tell he was considering everything.  She felt a single tear break loose and fall.   

He reached up and gently wiped it away before saying softly, “Kiliane, answer a question for me.  Honestly.  Before...before it all went down, which assignment would you have said was the most dangerous?  Arming the bomb or going with the salarian teams?”

“The salarians.”

“Okay.  And what made you decide to send me with them?  With my tech background, I would have seemed the logical choice for the bomb.”

“Because...Ashley had made it clear that she did not like working with other species and that worried me.  I trusted you more with that assignment.  She had enough basic tech knowledge to arm the bomb.”

“And that decision was made because you thought it would leave the best chance of success.  Right?”

She nodded and he continued, “So, even though you knew there was a higher chance of something happening to me, you still sent me where I would be the most useful.  For the good of the mission.  Why do you think you would have done differently an hour later?”

She thought about his words, considered them carefully.  And she decided that he was right.  It probably would have broken her, but if their situations had been reversed, she would have still chosen to rescue the infiltration team.

She cradled his face in her hands and brought her forehead down to meet his, whispering, “Thank you, Kaidan.”

They pulled apart as the rest of the team started to arrive.  

Liara offered to join their minds again to try and make sense of the vision she had received from the second beacon.  She was able to put the pieces together to recognize Ilos as the location of the Conduit.  Relief washed over Kiliane.  They finally had a target.

She dismissed everyone and gave her report to the council.  They were unhelpful as usual, refusing to send her any reinforcement.  After debating it with herself for the better part of an hour, she decided that they would just need to complete the mission on their own.  Hopefully, with the Normandy’s stealth abilities, they would be able to slip past Saren’s fleet undetected.

When she stepped up to the galaxy map to plot her course, Joker’s voice broke through overhead.

“Commander, we are to report back to Citadel.  Looks like the Council is going to give us those reinforcements after all.”

Sighing with relief, she instead plotted the course to the Citadel, telling Joker to get them there as fast as he could.  

She was ready to end this.

 

* * *

 

Kaidan was worried about Kiliane.  The meeting with the Council had not even remotely gone as they had expected.  Instead of getting the reinforcements they needed, they had been grounded.  The Council, along with the traitorous bastard Udina, had ignored everything she had said, denying the threat of the Reapers and the importance of the Conduit.

She had not said a word as they left the Council’s chambers and went back to the Normandy.  She hadn’t even looked at him as she went straight to her quarters and locked the door.  He had given her the privacy she wanted.  But it had been an hour and no one had heard from her.  He tried knocking on her door and calling her name, but he didn’t get any response.  

He finally decided to use his hacking skills and pray she didn’t shoot him.  He sucked in a breath when the door opened and he saw the mess she had made.  He didn’t even see her until she spoke quietly from the corner on the opposite side of the room.

“It was all for nothing.  Jenkins, Nihlus...Ash...they all died for nothing.”

Kneeling down in front of her, he said, “I don’t think that any of them would say that.”

“But it’s true.  Pretty soon, Saren is going to activate the Conduit and then let the Reapers come and wipe us all out.  And I’m stuck here, banging my head against a fucking wall.”

To emphasize her point she began to glow a light blue and hit the back of her head against the wall behind them.  Kaidan grabbed her shoulders and pulled her forward to stop her from doing it a second time.

“Kiliane, stop.  Listen to me.  You need to stop beating yourself up and think about this rationally.  There has to be something that we can do.  No one else on this ship is giving up.  And I know that you aren’t about to either.”

She looked up at him and his heart almost broke at her expression.

“But I don’t know what to do.  The only thing I know how to do is fight.  I don’t know how to talk to politicians, to convince them of what we need.  I can’t just sit here and wait for something to happen.  I just...don’t know what to do...”

Kaidan stood up and held out his hand to her.

“Well then, we’ll figure it out together.”

She took his hand and he pulled her up and into his arms.  He rested one hand on the small of her back and cupped her cheek with the other, meeting her eyes before continuing.  

“Kiliane Shepard, you are an amazing woman.  Strong, intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful.  Don’t let some asshole politicians make you think anything else.”

She brought her face up to his and he could feel her breath across his lips.

“Kaidan, I-”

“Uh, sorry to interrupt Commander but I’ve got a message from Captain Anderson.”

At the sound of Joker’s voice overhead, they both jumped.

“Joker, are you spying on me?”

“Of course not, Commander.  I, uh, just knew you’d be in here and was passing along the message.  The captain would like to meet you at Flux.”

Kaidan sighed and looked towards Kiliane.

“I guess you better go.”

“Oh, he can wait one more minute,” she said right before wrapping her arms around his neck and meeting his lips with her own.  

It was an intense kiss, all of her pent up frustration being released.  He tangled his hands into her hair and deepened it, just as she pulled her body flush with his.  He knew that she could feel his reaction to her and she moaned softly into his mouth.  

He wanted nothing more than to continue along this course, but knew they couldn’t.  Reluctantly, he broke off the kiss and rested his forehead against hers.

“Kiliane…”

“Yeah...I should probably go now or I never will.”

She looked up at him, placed a hand on his cheek and said, “Thank you, Kaidan.”

Placing one more quick kiss against his lips, she turned and walked out the door before he could reply.

 

* * *

 

One hour later, Kiliane was sitting at her desk in her quarters, going over all of the information they had one last time.  She needed to make sure she hadn’t missed anything.  They were finally on their way to Ilos, to go after Saren.  It had only taken mutiny.  

She sighed, hoping that they wouldn’t all be facing court-martial for this.  She was incredibly grateful to Captain Anderson.  He had put his career on the line to get into Udina’s office and cancel the lock down so the Normandy could leave.  She was also grateful to her crew.  She had offered everyone a chance to leave the ship before they left the Citadel, making sure they understood what they were doing.  Not one person had taken her up on the offer.  They all believed in her.  Anderson and every single member of her crew.  She had to make sure that their faith was warranted.  

So she went back to her reports.  She was so engrossed in them that she never even heard the door open behind her.  Still, she was not terribly surprised to feel a hand on her shoulder and hear Kaidan’s voice.

“Kiliane, do you honestly think that you will find something that you didn’t the first five times you read through those?”

“No.  But I can’t stand this tension, this waiting to get through the relay.  I need to be doing _something_.”

“And this was the best you could come up with?”

She looked up at his arched eyebrow and laughed, accepting the hand he offered to help her up.

“Okay, Lieutenant.  What’s your idea?”

“Well, I’ve found that working up a nice sweat usually helps to calm my nerves before a high-stress mission.”

“Oh?  And what exactly did you have in mind for working up a sweat?”

“Well, I was thinking we could head down to the gym…”

She saw the teasing glint in his eye and decided to call his bluff.  She wanted to see what he would do.  The first move had been hers, now it was his turn.  She turned away from him and walked towards her locker.

“That’s actually a great idea.  I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it earlier.  I _had_ considered target practice, but figured Joker would be mad if I put holes in his ship.  Let me just grab my gear and-”

Her sentence was cut off when he grabbed her arm and spun her around.  She suddenly found herself pinned between him and the wall.  He brought his head down next to hers, turning slightly so his lips were next to her ear.  The feel of his breath against that sensitive spot sent a shiver down her spine.

He whispered, “You know what?  I have another idea.  And I think this one is even better.”

As he talked, he moved his hands, just barely brushing his fingertips along her neck and collarbone.

“Oh, and what idea would that be?”

She was surprised that the sentence had been coherent.  His feather-light touches were quickly turning her brain to mush.

“Mmm, not sure I should tell you.  I think maybe it’s better if I show you.”

He replaced his fingers with his lips, still just barely touching her skin, but leaving trails of fire in their wake.  But it wasn’t enough.  She wanted more.  She _needed_ more.  She reached up, grabbing his head and bringing it back so she could look into his eyes, seeing her need reflected in their amber depths.  

He finally brought his lips to hers, she felt her knees buckle and would have fallen if he hadn’t had her pinned.  The kiss started gently but quickly became more intense.  He ran his hands down her back to her waist, working one under her top.  He reached up and cupped a breast, flicking her nipple through the cotton bra she wore.  She moaned and rubbed her pelvis against his, feeling his desire.  

He brought both his hands behind her and cupped her bottom, pulling her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist.  Not breaking the kiss, he walked them over to the bed and they tumbled in together.  They didn’t waste any time in removing each other’s clothing and then he settled in above her.  He held back just a moment and she saw the question in his eyes.  She answered by pulling him down for another bruising kiss.

When he entered her, all of her tension, her anxiety and her fears disappeared.  As they moved together, she was able to just be a woman and not a marine with the weight of the entire galaxy on her shoulders.  When they followed each other over the edge, she felt her world shift.  And as she drifted off to sleep, she realized that for the first time since she was a child on Mindoir, she truly felt at peace.

 

* * *

 

When Kaidan woke an hour later, it was to an empty bed.  Sitting up, he spotted Kiliane, fully dressed and leaning against her desk.  

“We’ll be at Ilos in twenty minutes, so I need to get out to the CIC.”

He nodded.  Duty was calling, they had to get back to reality.  But first, he had something he needed to tell her.

“Kiliane, I don’t know what’s going to happen down there, and I don’t know if I’ll get another chance to say this, so-”

She walked over and silenced him with a finger on his lips.

“No, Kaidan.  Save it for when we get back.  I want you to know that I haven’t felt this good in a long time and I want nothing more than to crawl back into that bed with you, but we both know what’s at stake and what we need to do.  So for now, just...thank you.”

She turned to leave but he grabbed her hand to stop her.  Pulling her down to him, he kissed her hard, trying to tell her what she hadn’t allowed him to say in words.  When she finally pulled away, she gave him a look that took his breath away.  It made him think that maybe, just maybe, she felt it too.  Then she turned and walked out the door.


	10. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright, finished with ME1 and set up for ME2. Yay! :) Updates will probably slow down a little bit for a while. I’ve got a lot of family stuff coming up and I’ll be traveling a lot. I want to keep working on it because I’m having a lot of fun, but I just won’t have quite as much time.  
> Thanks again for the comments and kudos!  
> As always, I greatly appreciate any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

The Citadel was a mess.  Saren’s troops had done quite a bit of damage with their initial invasion.  And when Sovereign had been destroyed, pieces of the reaper had gone in all directions, impacting several sections of the station.  There were multiple fires burning throughout the Wards and the Presidium and keepers were scurrying about, already trying to repair the damage.  C-Sec was was trying desperately to keep order as panicked residents were running around, looking for loved ones now that the fighting had finally stopped.

Captain Anderson barely noticed any of it.  He was focused on one thing: getting to the Citadel Tower and finding Commander Shepard.  They had lost all contact with her and her team when a large chunk of Sovereign had crashed into the tower, which was her last known location.  Where she had stopped Saren and prevented, or at the very least delayed, the return of the Reapers.  He refused to believe that she was then taken out by a piece of debris.

As he approached the tower, he saw a group of C-Sec agents working near the entrance.  Pulling one aside, he asked, “Have you found anyone yet?”

The turian shook his head and said, “No, but we have cleared the entrance.  I have a team in there now.”

Anderson didn’t even take time to reply before he took off to the entrance and went into the tower.  The elevator wasn’t working, and he was grateful for his military training as he started his way up the many flights of stairs.  Along the way, he ran into the C-Sec team.

“I need you with me.  We're heading up to the Council’s chambers to look for Shepard and her team.”

They quickly made their way up to the top and broke into smaller teams to start clearing piles of rubble.  He was clearing a section of the stairs leading up to the audience chamber when he heard a shout to his right.

“Captain Anderson, we found them!  They’re in here.”

He rushed over to the small opening the officer had cleared and crouched through it.  He found Lieutenant Alenko and Garrus Vakarian partially pinned by rubble on the other side.  Moving quickly, he lifted it off so they could scoot out from underneath.  He helped them both to their feet.  Looking at Alenko’s face, he felt dread wash over him.  The man was a marine, one of the most professional he had ever worked with.  But he had tears in his eyes as he looked in anguish behind them at a one of Sovereign’s legs, sitting in a crater that used to be the audience chamber.

Anderson met his eyes and asked, “Shepard?”

The lieutenant just shook his head, the small amount of composure he held obviously ready to crumble.  Anderson sighed and dropped his head, telling himself to bury his own grief until he was alone.

Outloud he said, “Come on, let’s get you two out of here and to the med station.”

He held onto the lieutenant’s arm to steady him as they started to make their way back through the small opening.  Just as they were ducking down to crawl through, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye.  He stopped and turned around, feeling Alenko do so as well.  Studying the wreckage, he searched for what had caught his eye.

And then he saw her.  Commander Shepard was climbing over the piles, making her way towards them.  She was holding her arm awkwardly, clearly injured but alive.  He knew the moment the man next to him saw her because the weight on his arm increased as he sagged with relief.  When her gaze moved over to them, he saw her happiness at seeing her team standing there.  He met her eyes as she approached them, giving her a small smile and nod.  His own relief washed over him as she just grinned back.  

They had done it.

 

* * *

 

_Ten days later_

“Shepard!”

At the sound of her name, Commander Shepard looked up from the datapad she had been studying.  She broke into a smile when she saw Captain Anderson making his way towards her.  

“Anderson, good to see you.”

As he shook the hand she had offered, he replied, “You too, Shepard, you too.  Have you seen Udina yet?”

“No, I just got some intel I had been waiting on, so I stopped to read it before I went in.”

“Good, we can go in together then.  Less chance of retaliation if I have backup.”

Shepard laughed and fell into step beside Anderson as they made their way to the office where they were to meet with the ambassador and the Council.  The Council wanted to recognize the part that humanity had played in defending them and the Citadel.  Shepard really wanted to be out chasing down leads instead of listening to a speech, but as the first and only human Spectre, her presence was required.  

“So, Shepard, how was shore leave?”

“It was nice to have a little time to unwind after everything but I’m definitely ready to get back to work.”

“And how is Lieutenant Alenko?”

Shepard stopped short and looked over to find Anderson grinning at her.

“What?”

“Oh come on now Commander.  I am neither blind nor stupid.  Do you really think I hadn’t noticed?”

“Um...I...don’t know how to answer that, Sir.”

Laughing, he replied, “When did I give you permission to start calling me ‘sir’ again?  And don’t worry.  Your secret is safe with me.”

“Okay...uh, thank you.”

He laughed again before he thankfully took pity on her.

“All right, I’ll change the subject.  So, this intel?  Something to do with the Reapers?”

Much more comfortable with this topic, Shepard nodded.

“Yes, I think so.  I don’t have anything concrete right now but I know they are still out there.  We prevented them from coming through now, but we haven’t stopped them entirely.”  

“I know you’re right and hopefully everyone else will believe you now.”

“I hope so.”

They had reached the office that the Council was temporarily using while the tower was being repaired.  Anderson looked at her, reminding her of the first time they had met when he said, “Face them together?”

Smiling, she nodded and they went through the door.  

Twenty minutes later, they stood outside in the Presidium as the Council acknowledged humanity’s efforts and sacrifices in saving not only the Council and the Citadel, but the entire galaxy.  Shepard was hopeful that this meant they were no longer pretending the Reapers did not exist.  When they offered humanity a seat on the Council and asked her for her opinion on the representative, she didn’t hesitate.  

“Humanity needs someone who isn’t afraid to do what needs to be done.  Someone who isn’t motivated by political ambition, but by the desire to protect and serve.  I think Captain Anderson should be our representative.”

She couldn’t help but smile at the look on Udina’s face and she only hoped that Anderson wouldn’t kill her the next time they were alone.  Tevos praised her choice and thankfully, Anderson graciously accepted their offer.

But when Sparatus made a comment about the defeat of Sovereign and acted like it was all over, Shepard decided she had had enough of politics for the day.

“Sovereign was just one reaper.  The rest of them are still out there in dark space, waiting to come and finish the job.  We have no idea how many there are or when they might come through, but we do know that they wiped out the Protheans and many other civilizations before them.  We cannot underestimate them.  I am going to find a way to stop them.  Starting right now.”

And with that, she turned and walked away.  She heard Anderson take up where she had left off and knew she had made the right decision.

* * *

 

_One month after The Battle of the Citadel_

Councilor Anderson was sound asleep when his omni-tool alerted him that he had an incoming message.  He ignored it but it kept beeping at him.  Whoever it was was very determined to get ahold of him.  Sighing, he rolled over and retrieved it from his bedside table, not even bothering to open his eyes as he answered.

“Anderson here.”

“Councilor.”

Anderson’s eyes sprang at the sound of Admiral Hackett’s voice.  Whatever had him calling in the middle of the night couldn’t be good.  When he saw his friend’s face, his concern only grew.

“Stephen.  What’s going on?”

“David, we received a mayday from the Normandy a couple of hours ago….”

As Hackett stopped and sighed, Anderson felt a cold dread seep into his heart.

“And?  What have you found?”

“The ship was completely destroyed.  Several escape pods were recovered and we are talking with the survivors now to try and piece together what happened.”

“Survivors….Steven, stop beating around the bush.  Where is she?”

He saw the pain in the admiral’s eyes as he answered, “She wasn’t in any of the pods.  The pilot, Moreau, said she threw him in an one as the ship was breaking apart.  He said she was caught in the blast.”

“No...I...Fuck!  How did this happen?  Who attacked them?”

“Like I said, we are still trying to piece it together.  I think you and I both have some strong suspicions on who would be capable and motivated to do this though.”

“Reapers.”

“Or at least an agent of some sort, like Saren.”

Sighing, Anderson got out of bed and walked to his closet, blindly pulling clothes out and pulling them on.  

“Where are the survivors being taken?  I want to talk to the crew.”

“We are taking them to the Citadel, it’s closer.  Huerta Memorial.  They should start arriving in about an hour.”

“All right, I’m on my way.”

“David.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.  I know that you felt responsible for her after Leon died.  You know this isn’t your fault, right?  There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.”

“Dammit!  Are you sure about that?  You and I may as well have painted a target on her back when we pushed for her Spectre candidacy.”

The three men had served together once a long time ago, and had remained good friends ever since.  When Leon had told them about the girl he had found on Mindoir, they had been as impressed as he was with her moxie.  They had all watched her progress through the Alliance ranks,and Leon had been thrilled when he had been able to maneuver her under his command.  

And then Akuze had happened.  Hackett and Anderson had grieved for their friend and Anderson had vowed to continue Leon’s personal mission of mentoring the young marine.  She had excelled during N school and every assignment she had been on after that.  Her name had quickly risen up the list of possible Spectre candidates.  They had pushed for it, knowing it was what Leon had wanted for her.  

Shepard had remained completely unaware of the roles the three men had played in shaping her future.  And really, she had done all the work and earned everything.  They had just made sure that the right doors had opened along the way.

“David, you know that’s not true.  She would have gotten there eventually on her own, with or without our nudging.”

Anderson sighed.

“I know that but it doesn’t make it any better.”

“I know.  But, where would we be right now if she hadn’t been able to go after Saren and stop the invasion?  Do you honestly think anyone else could have pulled off what she did?”

“There are others who maybe could have done it.  But, yeah, she was the only one I was absolutely sure about...And dammit Steven, that makes this even worse.  The Reapers are going to come back.  What the hell are we going to do then?”

The councilor and the admiral looked at each other through the video chat, silently contemplating.  Finally, Hackett sighed and shook his head.

“I don’t know, David...I don’t know.”


	11. Tali

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally! I felt like I’ve been away forever, even though it’s only been a couple weeks. This chapter was done in bits and pieces between my travels, so I hope it flows ok. :)  
> As always, I appreciate any and all feedback I receive!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone. (Seriously, I’ve tried. It just doesn’t work.)

* * *

 

Shepard was pretty sure she was in hell.  She remembered the Normandy exploding around her.  She remembered realizing her suit had an oxygen leak.  She remembered seeing Alchera coming up fast to greet her.  And that was it.  Nothing after that.

At least until she woke up in a lab with an annoying voice barking at her on a loudspeaker and mechs trying to take her head off.  And now she was talking with the head of Cerberus, the group that had supposedly brought her back from the dead.  Supposedly.  Her money was on this being hell and the man in front of her the devil himself.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!  You are responsible for killing almost my entire unit on Akuze, for killing Admiral Kahoku and his entire team, plus a dozen other monstrosities that I discovered and shut down in my hunt for Saren.  You honestly expect me to believe everything you say and just sign up with you?”

“Of course not, Shepard,”  The Illusive Man said calmly, inhaling on a cigarette and flicking ash off to the side.  “All I’m asking is that you take a look for yourself.  Go to Freedom’s Progress, see what you can find.  If you still don’t believe that the Reapers are behind the disappearances, then you are free to go.”

She thought about it briefly and decided that if there was even a small grain of truth to his claims, she needed to know about it.  

“Fine.  But this in no way means I work for, agree with or support Cerberus in any way.  The only thing I care about is missing colonists and stopping the Reapers.”

The devil only nodded and then cut the link.  She would go check out this colony and then get as far away from Cerberus as she could.  She needed to find her team.  Liara, Garrus, Wrex, Tali, Kaidan...Kaidan.  She felt a wave of sadness hit her.  It had been _two years_.  For her, it had seemed like a few days, but everyone else had thought her dead for two years.  Surely, they had all moved on by now.  

Suddenly, finding her old team didn’t seem like a good idea.  Even if she was able to track them down, she would probably be reopening old wounds and causing unneeded complications.  Sighing, she started towards the shuttle.  She hadn’t felt so alone since that night she hid from the slavers in her family’s barn.  

 

* * *

 

“Shepard?  Is that...you’re alive?”

Shepard stared in shock at the quarian standing in front of her.  The voice was the same, but the suit and the way she carried herself were different.  It couldn’t be.  Could it?

“Tali, is it really you?”

“I..yes..but, are you really Shepard?”

Well, that was a fair question.  She wasn’t even a hundred percent sure herself.  She racked her brain for a way to convince Tali.  A memory came to the surface.  A memory that for her seemed to have just happened weeks ago.

_“Hey Tali, I heard you were looking for me.”_

_The quarian turned from the panel she had been working on in front of the drive core._

_“Oh, Shepard!  Hi!  Yes.  I was wondering if I could talk to you about the data you recovered from those Geth control nodes.”_

_“Ah.  I thought you might be interested in that.  Are you asking for a copy?”_

_“Well...yes.  It would be invaluable to my people, Shepard.  This could be exactly what we need to eventually reclaim our homeworld.”_

_“I take it this would be a Pilgrimage gift befitting an admiral’s daughter?”_

_Tali nodded and Shepard continued, “So, if I give you this, will you leave us?”_

_“No!  I mean, not right away.  I will stay with you as long as it takes to find and stop Saren.”_

_Shepard considered for a moment before she finally answered._

_“I see no problem with you taking a copy of the data.  After all, you helped me recover it.  Your knowledge of the geth was a huge advantage down there.  And just so you know, I would not hold it against you if you did leave with this data right away.  I would miss you, but I would understand.”_

_“Oh, thank you!  For the data, I mean.  I have no intention of leaving until Saren has been dealt with.  I promise.”_

_“I appreciate that Tali.”_

Coming back to the present, Shepard looked at Tali.

“Tali, the data we found on Solcrum?  Was it as good a Pilgrimage gift as you thought it would be?”

There was silence for several seconds as Tali just stared at her.  Finally she answered, “Yes.  Yes it was.  Weapons down.  This is definitely Commander Shepard.  What are you doing with Cerberus, Shepard?”

“First of all, I am not working _for_ Cerberus.  Never in a million years.”

“Shepard, you-”

Shepard whipped her head around and glared at the woman standing behind her.  Miranda wisely decided not to finish whatever she had been about to say.  Turning back towards Tali, Shepard continued.

“They told me about colonies disappearing, so I’m here to check it out.  Other than that, I don’t know much.  I just...woke up yesterday.  I guess I...died on Alchera and Cerberus has spent the last two years...rebuilding me.  Honestly, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that...”

Shepard trailed off and wondered, not for the first time today, when she was going to wake up from this nightmare.

Tali nodded and replied, “Okay.  Then maybe we can help each other out.  I don’t trust Cerberus, but I trust you Shepard.  We are here looking for a quarian who was here on his pilgrimage, Veetor.  We saw him when we were landing, but her ran and hid in a warehouse on the other side of the town.”

“Why would he come here on his pilgrimage?  Isn’t a small, human colony an odd choice?”

“Yes, but Veetor has always been a little...uncomfortable with crowds.  He wanted to help a small colony.”

“Is he the one who set the mechs here to attack us?”

“He most likely set them up to attack anything that moves.  Like I said, he’s always been a bit nervous.  And whatever happened here obviously has him scared.”

“Hopefully, he’ll be able to shed some light on these disappearances.  As far as a I know, there were no witnesses left behind at any of the other colonies.”

“Just remember, he’s most likely pretty unstable at this point.”

“Of course.  I’ll keep that in mind.  So, you have a plan?”

“Yes, my team will circle around the side to draw off some of the drones while your team goes straight up the middle of the colony.”

One of the male quarians standing behind Tali had been fidgeting this whole time and he finally spoke up.

“I am _not_ working with Cerberus!”

Tali spun around and pointed a finger in his face, saying, “ _I_ am in charge of this mission, Prazza.  If you have a problem with that, then go back to the ship.  Otherwise, you will do as I say.”

Prazza wisely decided to say nothing and remain where he was.  Shepard was impressed with Tali’s transformation.  She was clearly in charge.  She had always known how to take care of herself, but this was certainly not the same young quarian she had sent back to the Flotilla.  Of course, that had been two _years_ ago instead of the weeks it seemed to her.

Sighing, she said, “Okay, Tali.  Sounds like a solid plan.  See you on the other side.”

Tali nodded and said, “We’ll leave first.  Give us about five minutes head start.  And Shepard?  It’s good to have you back.”

 

* * *

 

“What!?  Veetor is not going anywhere with you!  He has been injured, physically and mentally.  He needs help, not a Cerberus interrogation.”

“We won’t harm him.  We just need to find out everything he knows.  And your team has hardly shown that you would be trustworthy.”

“Prazza does not represent me or my people.  He made a very poor decision and he and his team paid a high price for it.”

“I don’t see how that helps us-”

“ _Enough_!”

Shepard stepped between Miranda and Tali, not interested in listening to any more of their bickering.  They had made it to Veetor, but not before Prazza and a handful of other quarians had been slaughtered by a heavy mech when they had rushed ahead.  She turned to Tali.

“Can we copy his omni-tool data?”

“Of course.”

Shepard turned to Miranda and Jacob, saying, “Veetor goes with Tali.”

Jacob just nodded, while Miranda clenched her jaw, staring Shepard down.  Finally, she answered.

“Understood, Commander.”

“Good.  Now, can you two please go back to the shuttle and wait for me there?  I would like to talk to Tali alone.”

“Shepard, I don’t think-”

“Frankly, Miranda, I don’t care what you think.  I’m not trying to be rude, but I just woke up and found out that two years of my life are gone.  Everyone I was close to has moved on, having presumed me dead.  My world has just been ripped out from under me and I’m asking for _five minutes_ of time with an old friend.  And you _will_ give it to me.”

Shepard was pleased to see a genuine look of shock on Miranda’s face.  The operative recovered quickly, slipping back into her ice queen persona before simply nodding and walking out the door.  Jacob followed closely behind.

Turning back to Tali, Shepard asked, “Will you let me know if you find out anything else from him?  Once he’s had the necessary medical attention of course.”

“Absolutely.  Good to see that you are in charge.”

“I’m not sure that I am.  I am sure they want me to _think_ that.”  She snorted.  “I’m also pretty sure we aren’t really alone right now.”

“What did you get yourself into this time, Shepard?”

“I don’t know Tali.  I...don’t know what to do now.  There is obviously something big going on.  Are the Council and the Alliance really ignoring it?”

“I can’t say for sure.  Since I’ve been back on the Flotilla, I’m not as current with that intel as I’d like to be.  But I can tell you that very shortly after you...died...they pretty much denied anything to do with the Reapers and pinned the whole thing on Saren and the Geth.  You know how good the Council is at pretending the Reapers don’t exist.”

“Unfortunately, yes.  So...do you talk to anyone from the Normandy?”

“Not for a long time, no.  Liara dropped out of contact almost immediately after...after the Normandy was destroyed.  Garrus, not long after that.  Wrex went back to Tuchanka and I heard he’s actually doing some good there.”  She paused before continuing.  “Kaidan...didn’t handle it well.  Well, none of us really did, but he was usually so controlled, you know?  But he did send me a note about a year ago and it seemed like he was doing better.”

Shepard couldn’t say anything.   She swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump in her throat.  It was exactly what she had thought.  Everyone had moved on...without her.  And that is exactly what she would have wanted for them, so why did it hurt so much?

Finally finding her voice, she asked, “So, how about you?  Would you be able to join up with me again?”

Tali shook her head but Shepard detected genuine regret in her voice when she answered.

“I wish I could Shepard, I really do.  But I have a very important mission to do first.  If...if I make it back, we’ll talk again.”

“ _If_ you make it back?  Tali, that doesn’t sound good.  What are you doing?”

“As you said, I’m sure we are being listened to and I don’t think Cerberus needs to know.  I will tell you it’s in Geth space, so…”

“Well, be careful Tali.  Please.  I still think I may be stuck in a very bad dream, but I can’t even tell you how glad I am that we ran into each other.”

“Me too Shepard.  And I meant what I said.  No matter what happens, it really is good to have you back.”

“Thank you Tali.  You have no idea how much that means to me.”

Maybe she wasn’t quite as alone as she had thought.


	12. Joker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It feels good to be writing consistently again. I’ve got my ME2 outline roughed out as well, so I know where I’m going from here. For now. Until something changes. :) I just do better when I have a plan, even if I don’t necessarily stick to it. LOL  
> I really, really, super-duper appreciate every single comment, kudos, etc. Every time I get an alert it just makes my day, so thanks!!  
> Any and all feedback is always appreciated.  
> And once again: BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

* * *

 

 

“I haven’t even agreed to anything yet and you’re already trying to give me orders?  Just so we’re clear?  That will _not_ work with me.”

Shepard once again stood in front of leader of Cerberus.  She had just returned from Freedom’s Progress and they were going over the information she had received from Veetor.  He wanted her to continue to investigate the colonies and put a stop to the disappearances.  It was certainly a mission she could get behind but to say she was hesitant to work with this organization would be a huge understatement.  And now he was already telling her how to conduct the mission.  If she was doing this, she was doing it _her_ way and he needed to understand that.

“I’m simply letting you know the best place to start.  Where you go from there is entirely up to you.  We brought you back from the dead because we have faith in you.”

“Fine.  What’s the other thing?”

“I’ve found a pilot you might like.  I hear he’s one of the best.  Someone you can trust.”

And with that cryptic statement, the Illusive Man terminated their connection.   _What the hell?_  Shepard heard the door open behind her and before she could even turn around, she heard a familiar voice.

“Hey, Commander.  Just like old times, huh?”

She spun around and couldn’t help the huge grin that spread across her face as the pilot limped towards her.

“Joker!”

She felt tears spring to her eyes as she ran over to him and wrapped him in a hug.

“Joker, I didn’t...I was afraid...Oh, I’m so glad to see you!”

“Easy Shepard.  Brittle bones, remember?”

He laughed as she jumped back.

“I’m sorry!  I just didn’t know if you...I wasn’t sure if...I remember throwing you into that pod and then the explosion and I just wasn’t sure if you had survived.  And I have been afraid to ask.  I’m so sorry.”

He stared at her in shock for several seconds before he finally found his voice.

“ _You’re_ sorry?  What the hell?  For what?”

“If I had gotten to you sooner, I would have had more time and I wouldn’t have had to break all your bones to get you into that pod and off the Normandy.”

“Shepard, you have got to be kidding me, right?  If anyone should be sorry, it’s me!  I mean I-I…”

He sighed and looked down at the floor before continuing, “I killed you Shepard.”

“What?  Joker!  You really think that?  That’s absolutely ridiculous!”

“Oh yeah?  If I hadn’t been so fucking stubborn, you wouldn’t have had to come and drag my sorry ass out of my chair.  You could have been safe in one of the pods when the ship blew apart.  Instead I had to watch you float away and I couldn’t do anything.”

“Oh my god.  Is this what you’ve thought this whole time?”

He just stared at her and she saw the pain in his eyes that he had been living with every day for the last two years.

“Joker, listen to me.  You were just doing your job, doing what any good Alliance pilot would.  And you weren’t just any good Alliance pilot, you were the best.”

“Yeah, but-”

“No buts.  Listen, lets just both say we forgive each other and go save the galaxy...again.  Okay?”

She held his eyes until he finally nodded.

“You really have nothing to be forgiven for, Shepard.”

“Well, I don’t think you do, so...we’re both making sacrifices.”

She grinned at him and he laughed.

“Okay, deal.”

“So how did you end up working with Cerberus, Joker?”

“Well, it didn’t take long after you, uh, died for the Council and the Alliance to pretend everything we did didn’t happen.  I refused to go along with the ‘official’ story and they grounded me.  Flying is the only thing I have ever wanted to do.  The only thing I _can_ do.  Cerberus contacted me and told me about you, offered me the chance to fly.  So I said yes.  I mean, what good would it have done to bring you back from the dead if I wasn’t here to pull your ass out of the fire?”

Shepard chuckled and shook her head.

“Well, I’m very grateful.”

And she was.  Joker was a good friend.  Someone who could always make her smile, even during her lowest moments.  He was exactly what she needed right now.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Shepard made her way up to the bridge to talk some more with her pilot.  She had just finished taking a tour of her new ship, the Normandy SR-2.  Joker had barely been able to contain his excitement when he had showed her last night.  She certainly looked like the old Normandy, at least from the outside.  Well, except for the fact that she was bigger.  A lot bigger.  But on the inside, the only thing that remained the same was the CIC.  Everything else was much more...extravagant.  Some of it was nice.  Most of it was ridiculous.  Especially her cabin.  A fish tank?  On a warship?  Frankly it was just a waste of space because there was no way she would be doing anything with it.

The crew on the other hand, she liked.  At least for the most part.  Her yeoman was a little much for her.  And honestly, she wasn’t really buying the act.  Maybe she could talk some sense into the girl eventually.  For now, she would just avoid her as much as possible.  She also couldn’t really get a read on Miranda.  The woman was practically a robot.  Hopefully, she would thaw over time.  Jacob seemed like a good guy, if a little dull.  But obviously an excellent soldier and willing to follow her lead.  And that was what really mattered.  She had also really liked the two engineers.  They had joined up with Cerberus specifically to work with her, so she felt like she would be able to trust them.

But of course, the most welcome surprise had been when she had entered the medical bay.  

“So I just did a tour of the ship.  Imagine my surprise when I ran into Dr. Chakwas.  You didn’t tell me she had joined up when you did.”

Joker turned and scowled at her.  But when he spoke, Shepard heard the underlying fondness in his voice.

“Yeah, well.  She has to follow me wherever I go, thinks she’s my babysitter or something.”

“Well, when you act like a child…”

He narrowed his eyes at her and she just laughed.

“So, what do you think of the new Normandy, Commander?”

“She’s nice, but I miss the SR-1.”

“Oh come on!  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I miss the old girl too, but you’ve got to admit that this one’s got some nice upgrades.  I mean, look at this.  Leather seats!  Leather!”

He was grinning maniacally and rubbing his hands along the armrests of his seat.  Shepard just rolled her eyes.

“But it’s all Cerberus.  You know we are being watched at all times and I wouldn’t trust some of this crew as far as I could throw them.  I don’t know, Joker.  It’s just not the same.  I miss the old crew.”

“Aw, what am I?  Chopped liver?”

Joker put on a show of looking incredibly hurt by her comment.  She let out a small laugh before turning serious again.

“You know what I mean.  I don’t even know how to tell you how glad I am that you are the one piloting this ship, but who watches my back while I’m on the ground?  Jacob and Miranda?  Jacob seems okay, but Miranda is Cerberus to the bone.  Even after all the work she did to bring me back, she wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet in my head for them.”

Joker’s face turned serious quickly when he considered what she said.  The EDI’s blue orb appeared next to him and he scowled as it started to speak.

“Cerberus has poured numerous resources into your resurrection, Shepard.  I fail to see how killing you would be of any benefit.  In fact, it seems to be in direct opposition to the parameters of this mission.  Both Operatives Taylor and Lawson should be fully committed to keeping you alive.”

“Well, there you go Commander.  The Cerberus AI says you're good so...should I start picking out my outfit for your next funeral?”

Shepard glared at Joker before speaking to EDI.

“EDI, _my_ mission is to find the missing colonists, put an end the Collectors and a stop to all this.  That is all that I care about.  As long as Cerberus agrees with me, we shouldn’t have a problem.  But you’ll have to forgive me if, given my history with this organization, I don’t think things will remain that simple.”

Shepard sighed and then continued, “EDI, you are bound by your _Cerberus_ programming and see things in black and white.  I lack that restriction, I can see the shades of grey.  The shadows where Cerberus usually likes to conduct their business.”

“I concede that I may be biased due to restrictions in my programming.  But you must admit that you are more than likely biased by your past experiences.”

“That may be a little true, but that’s how organics learn.  From experience.  Listen, I’m not completely dismissing the idea that Cerberus is interested in accomplishing the same thing I am.  But I’m also not counting on it.”

EDI’s lights flickered and Shepard assumed it was processing their conversation.  After a very short period of time, EDI finally answered.

“Very well Shepard.  Logging you out.”

Joker just sat, staring at the commander.  He opened his mouth to speak a couple times but then closed it again.

“What’s this?  Joker speechless?  No one else is ever going to believe this.”

“What did...was that...did you just have a debate with the AI and win?”

“Oh, I don’t know if I would say that.  We just had a discussion and I helped it to see my point of view.”

“Uh-huh.  You got it to shut up.  You’re going to have to teach me that. Or maybe just let me, you know, play with it’s wires for a bit?”

“Just focus on flying, Lieutenant.  We’re playing nice with Cerberus...for now.”

“You ruin all my fun.  Anyways, you do know she is reporting that entire conversation to the Illusive Man right now, right?”

“Of course.  He already knows my feelings.  I will be doing things my way on this mission and if he thinks otherwise, he is deluding himself.  He also already knows that I do not trust him or his team one bit.”

“So what’s the answer, Commander?  How do we get through this mission without you going insane from paranoia?”

She sighed and considered carefully before answering, “I’m not entirely sure.  It looks like some of these dossiers are for aliens.  I’m hoping that means they aren’t going to be loyal to Cerberus.  Besides that...I don’t know.  Do you...what about the old crew?  Do you know what any of them are up to now?”

She saw the understanding in his eyes.  He knew that she was asking about one very specific member of the old crew.  His hesitation to answer her made her realize she might not want to know after all.

“Well...you were the one we all came together for.  When you...disappeared...everyone scattered, especially the non-human crew.  I haven’t heard from most of them since your...service.  Garrus wrote me once shortly after, but then he disappeared.  There were a couple other Alliance crew besides me that wouldn’t agree to the ‘official’ story they wanted us to spin.  Alenko didn’t at first, but you know how dedicated to the Alliance he is.  I heard he eventually got promoted but haven’t heard much beyond that.”

“I got a message from Anderson.  Apparently there are already rumors of my ‘resurrection’.  I just really wanted to talk to Kaidan myself instead of him getting the news another way.  But then again, it’s been two years and he’s moved on.  Maybe it’s better this way.”

“Well...I may not be the best person to talk to about this stuff, but I know how much he cared about you.  I mean, I would think that no matter what, he would at least be happy to know you are alive.”

Shepard gave a half-hearted smile and said, “I’d like to believe that, but...well...thanks for saying it anyways.”

“Yeah, that’s all the sentimental, touchy-feely crap I’ve got in me, so take it while you can.”

Shepard let out a laugh.

“Noted.  All right, I should get to work.  Get us to Omega.  We’ve got a brilliant salarian scientist to pick up as well as a mercenary and...Robin Hood, apparently.”

When Joker raised a brow at her in question, she laughed and shrugged before replying.

“I don’t know.  This guy has a merry band of outlaws and has been attacking the bad guys on Omega, while helping the less fortunate.  And he’s a sniper.  They’ve taken to calling him Archangel.  Should be an interesting addition.”

“Oh, yeah, _interesting_.  Can’t wait Commander.”

Shepard just laughed, turned around and walked back towards the CIC, leaving Joker sitting there shaking his head.


	13. Garrus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was fun to write. One of my favorite moments of ME2: the first time I played it and Archangel took his helmet off. And I just loved that he didn’t even flinch at Shepard being back, just went right back to ‘walking into hell’ with her. :)  
> Again I’ve added some dialogue straight from the game where it fit, but added a lot of my own.  
> As always, (I can’t say it enough) all your comments and kudos are GREATLY appreciated.  
> And once again: BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

* * *

 

Archangel looked down the scope of his rifle, trying to figure out what the hell the merc groups were planning for him now.  They hadn’t sent anyone over in a while and he was starting to get worried.  When they were just funneling idiots over the bridge, it was easy for him to pick them off one by one.  But if they started using their brains, he would be in trouble.  Not that he really thought he could last much longer anyways.  He would eventually run out of ammo and rations.  How in the world had he gotten here?  Not for the first time today, he found himself wondering what _she_ would think of think of the situation he had gotten himself into.

She had tried to teach him about the right and wrong way to do things, about seriously thinking through the consequences of your actions.  He thought he had taken those lessons to heart and learned something from them.  But obviously not.  He had not foreseen this possibility, had not carefully considered Sidonis’ personality before allowing him on the team.  He should have known how weak he was, should have seen the betrayal coming.  The betrayal that lead to the death of his entire squad.

Sighing, he shook his head to clear the depressing thoughts before they pulled him down.  It seemed highly unlikely, but he wanted to make it out of this.  To track down Sidonis and get justice for all the good men who had died because of him.  To have any chance at that, he needed to clear his head and focus.  Once again, he peered through his scope, trying to see what was going on in the makeshift base the merc teams had set up.  If he wasn’t in such a bad situation, he would have taken time to be proud of his ability to unite the three big merc groups.  The Blue Suns, Eclipse and Blood Pack never worked together.  They must really hate him.

And they were definitely planning something.  He could see a lot of new people showing up, and most of them looked to be independent, not belonging to any of the three big groups.  One person getting out of a car caught his eye.  She was either human or asari but hard to tell in her armor.  Something in the way she moved seemed familiar and her armor and weapons were definitely top of the line.  He lost sight of her as she went around the corner and he tried to place her in his memory.  She almost moved like... _her_.  But he knew that wasn’t possible.  Obviously she had been on his mind and this unknown woman shared some similarities, so his imagination had taken off.

Focusing again on the group of mercs gathering closest to him, he picked off a couple.  Just to keep them nervous.  After several minutes, the unknown woman moved into his light of sight again.  She pulled her two companions off to the side to talk with them.  

Then she removed her helmet and he almost dropped his rifle.

 

* * *

 

Shepard removed her helmet for a quick conference with Mordin and Zaeed.  She was glad she had them with her instead of the Illusive Man’s lapdogs.  Mordin was brilliant and also surprisingly well-trained as a soldier.  She knew that Zaeed was only loyal to his next paycheck but there was something about the old mercenary that she liked.  And she’d certainly rather have him at her back than Miranda.  

They had infiltrated the merc base, posing as freelancers trying to take down this Archangel guy.  He was an excellent sniper.  She had seen him take out two Eclipse mercs as they had made their way through the base, all the way from his perch on the other side of the bridge.  It had been damned impressive.  She had only ever seen one other person who could shoot that well.  But, impressive as his skills were, he was running out of time.  They had managed to sabotage some of the mercs’ plans along the way, but they still had a huge numbers advantage over him.

“Alright, this guy has done some good work staying alive so far, but I think he’s running out of time.  We need to get over there fast.  We should blend in with the first wave of freelancers, taking out as many of them as we can on our way.  Go straight for Archangel.  Hopefully, he’ll be smart enough to see that we’re on his side.  Stay to cover just in case, this guy’s a hell of a sniper.”

After they agreed with her plan, she put her helmet back on and they made their way towards the bridge.  When the first wave took off, they stayed at the back and started taking out the freelancers as soon as they got on the bridge.  Quickly making their way to the building on the other side, they saw a group working on the explosives.  They easily took them out and headed up the stairs at the back of the room.  Turning back towards the front of the building at the top of the stairs, Shepard saw two more freelancers hacking the door.  When she shot the first one, the second quickly realized she wasn’t on his side.  He ducked into cover, but not before she targeted him with her biotic charge.  She knocked him on his ass and then finished him with one blast of her shotgun.  

Mordin was able to quickly hack the door open and they made their way into the room.  She took off her helmet and holstered her weapon, hopefully making it clear that she was not here to kill him.  She saw the sniper kneeling at the ledge, looking through his scope.  When she said his name, he just held up one finger.  Continuing to look through the scope, he lined up his shot and shot the last freelancer hiding on the lower level.  Then he turned back towards her and slowly got to his feet.  He walked over to a nearby couch and sat down, taking off his helmet.

“Shepard.  I thought you were dead.”

She just stared at the person across from her, having lost her voice the minute he had taken his helmet off.  She took a few steps towards him before stopping.  This had to be some trick, right?  It couldn’t be...could it?

“Garrus?”

The turian chuckled before replying, “You’re staring at me like you’ve seen a ghost but I’m almost certain that I’m the one who should be feeling that way.  How the hell are you standing in front of me right now?”

Shaking off her shock, she said, “Long story that I can’t wait to tell you but if I’m not mistaken, we’ve got a bad situation to get out of first.  How’d you get here?”

“Also a long story.  We’ll have a good chat once you get me out of here.  What do you say?  Just like old times?”

She didn’t even try to stop the huge grin that spread across her face.

“Sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in two years.”

 

* * *

Two hours later, Shepard was pacing outside of the Normandy’s med bay, wondering where the hell she had gone wrong.  She had thought they had things under control, but now Garrus was in there fighting for his life.  Tarak had been smarter than he looked, sending waves of troops to the lower level to draw her off.  Leaving Garrus alone and vulnerable when he fired the gunship’s rocket at him.

When she had finally made it back up to him, she had thought he was dead.  His face had been a mess and there was just so much blue blood.  But he had gasped for air when she went to him.  She thanked every god and goddess she could think of that Mordin had been with them and able to keep him relatively stable on their way back to the Normandy.

“Commander.”

Jacob’s voice broke through her thoughts.  She sighed and turned towards him.

“Yes, Jacob?”

“The Illusive Man wants to talk to you in the comm room.  I told him you were busy but he was very insistent.”

“Of course he was.  Well he can fuck off because I’m not leaving this spot.”

“I also told him you’d say that but...anyways, I can stay here Commander and let you know right away if there is any news.”

She considered briefly and nodded.

“Thank you Jacob.”

Ten minutes later, she disconnected from the Illusive Man, more pissed off at him that usual.  The ‘urgent matter’ he needed to discuss was just another dossier.  Some thief he wanted her to pick up while on the Citadel.  

“That could’ve fucking waited until I knew Garrus was going to be okay, bastard.”

Muttering to herself, she turned to leave the comm room, only to stop short when the door opened and Jacob walked through.  She watched him warily as he walked to the table and leaned down.

“Commander.  We’ve done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit.”

She felt her heart sinking before he continued, “The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics.  Best we can tell, he’ll have full functionality, but…”

She heard the door woosh open again and turned to see the turian in question come walking through the door.  She barely registered Jacob muttering behind her, something about a ‘tough son of a bitch’.  But she already knew that.  She gave Garrus a huge smile as he walked towards her.

“Nobody would give me a mirror.  How bad is it?”

She laughed and said, “Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly.  Slap some face paint on there, and no one will even notice.”

“Ha-ah!  Don’t make me laugh, damn it.  My face is barely holding together as it is.”

She turned serious again, asking, “You okay?”

He glanced towards the Cerberus operative still in the room.  To Jacob’s credit, he got the hint, saluted and left.  Garrus turned back towards Shepard.

“Frankly, I’m more worried about you.  Cerberus?”

“I know, Garrus.  This is not an ideal situation.  Long story short?  I _did_ die.  Cerberus recovered my body and spent two years somehow bringing me back.  I don’t really know the specifics of how, and frankly, I’m not sure I _want_ to.”

She watched him carefully for a reaction.  That was a hell of a statement she had just made.  He didn’t even flinch.  He just kept looking at her and then said, “So, how are you handling that?”

Grateful that he didn’t even question her, and had just _believed_ her, she answered, “To be honest, I’m still not really sure how to answer that.  I’m...coping.  It’s been two years for you and everyone else but it’s been barely a week for me.  Everyone thought me dead and the galaxy just went on without me.  That’s a lot to comprehend.  But, that being said, having a mission helps.  Having you here?  Joker?  Dr. Chakwas?  It all helps.”

“Fair enough.  So...Cerberus.  I know they brought you back, but…”

“Do I trust them?  Hell no.  But entire human colonies are going missing and they are willing to fund me, give me a ship and a crew so I can do something about it.  So...I’m being cautiously friendly...for now.”

“Well, you are obviously going to need people you can fully trust at your back.  I’m fit for duty Shepard, and I’m with you.  No matter what.”

“Thanks Garrus.  I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have at my six.”

He gave her a pointed look, saying, “Really?   _Anyone_?”

She knew what he was asking but she didn’t know how to answer, so she just laughed and said, “Well, when you fall off the grid for a couple years and then resurface inside a terrorist organization, your options are limited at best.”

“Ouch.”

“So, _Archangel_ , are you ready to tell me your story?”

“Yeah….about that.  I will tell you, I promise.  I’m just...not ready yet.”

“Okay Garrus,” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder.  “I’ll be here when you _are_ ready, okay?”

“Thanks Shepard, I appreciate it.  It’s really good to have you back.”

And for the first time since waking up in a Cerberus facility, Shepard thought that it just might actually feel good to _be_ back.


	14. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What, another chapter? So soon? :) Eh, this one is short and the next one will probably take a bit longer than usual. In case I don’t get the next one up before, I want to wish everyone a very happy holiday season! It’s looking to be a very white Christmas by me, which is fine as long as it doesn’t snow the days I have to drive. Anyone else having to deal with that, please stay safe! :)  
> So, my Shep and Anderson have bit of a history and I figured they’d react a bit differently in this scene. Of course, I left the council as they were because we all know they’ll never change unless the Reapers knock on their doors and say hello. ;-P And no, I didn’t put the part with Udina in. While I did think it was funny, it didn’t fit in my telling.  
> I am ever so grateful for all of your comments and kudos.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t, can’t, can’t leave it alone.

* * *

 

Shepard stood outside of Councilor Anderson’s office with Garrus and Mordin.  Due to an odd conversation with a billboard and the _inconvenience_ of being declared dead, she was running late.  She did, at least, have a very interesting new team member and a new friend in C-Sec to show for it.  Hearing voices on the other side of the door, she figured the meeting had started without her.  

Turning towards her companions, she said, “Why don’t you guys go and purchase whatever supplies you need, have them delivered to the ship and meet me back here?”

Mordin simply nodded and hurried away, mumbling to himself about the different things he needed for his research.  Garrus kept his eyes trained on Shepard.  He was a good friend and she knew that he could sense her unease.

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you, Shepard?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.  I don’t know how they are going to react but I’m pretty much ready for anything when it comes to the Council.”

He stared at her a bit longer until he seemed convinced.  With a nod, he turned around and headed back towards the elevator.  Shepard turned towards the door, taking a deep breath before finally walking through.  She had been correct in assuming they had started without her.  Anderson stood in front of projections of Councilors Tevos, Valern and Sparatus.  At the sound of the door, he stopped what he had been saying and turned towards her.

After holding her gaze for several seconds, he just smiled and said, “It’s damn good to see you.”

Returning his smile, she walked over to him, holding out her hand.

“Good to see you too, Anderson.”

Anderson surprised her by ignoring her hand and pulling her in for a hug.  As he did, he turned his head towards hers and whispered quietly so the Council couldn’t hear.

“Just a warning, they haven’t changed at all.  I’m sorry, I wish there was more that I could do.”  Outloud, he said, “I really am glad you’re back, Shepard.”

Pulling back, she met his eyes and said, “Thank you.  Just hearing you say that means a lot.”

He nodded and she was glad he had understood that was meant for his whispered comment.  They both turned towards the projectors when Valern spoke.

“We’ve heard many rumors surrounding your unexpected return.  Some of them are...unsettling.”

“We’ve called this meeting so you could explain your actions, Shepard,” Tevos broke in.  “We owe you that much.  After all, you saved our lives in the battle against Saren and his geth.”

Shepard looked at Anderson in surprise at her words and he just shook his head.  They honestly weren’t even acknowledging Sovereign at all!  It was sheer madness, but she supposed she shouldn’t have expected anything different.  Well, she could already see how this was going to go, but she had to try anyways.

“I have discovered evidence that the Collectors, working with the Reapers, have been abducting entire human colonies in the Terminus Systems.”

This time it was Sparatus who spoke.

“The Terminus Systems are beyond our jurisdiction.  Your colonists knew this when they left Council space.”

“All right.  Well, I’ve got what I needed.  You are obviously adamant about ignoring the evidence of the Reapers.  And you don’t want to help our colonists.  There is nothing you can offer.  It’s what I was told to expect, but since I’m not too thrilled with my current arrangement, I had to try.  Thank you for your time, Councilors.  Have a great day.”

Shepard knew she had failed at keeping the sarcasm from her voice, but she didn’t care.  She was pissed.  She had really hoped that the Illusive Man had been wrong, that she could go back and work with the Council instead of him.  Obviously not.  She turned and stormed towards the door and was almost gone when she heard Tevos speak.

“Shepard, wait.”  She turned around and Tevos continued, “Please try to understand our perspective.  You are working with Cerberus-an avowed enemy of the Council.  This is treason, a capital offense.”

“I don’t think you want to continue down that path!” Anderson took a step towards the projection of the asari councilor, pointing his finger at her.  “Shepard saved all our asses two years ago and she deserves much better than that from you.  From all of us!”

Shepard stepped forward and put her hand on his shoulder, pulling him back a bit before she spoke.

“Councilors, I understand.  If you had told me two years ago that I would now be working with Cerberus, I would have said ‘no chance in hell’.  But, I can’t ignore the attacks on my people.  You have to know that.  I don’t know if you will believe me when I say this, but I am only working with Cerberus because I don’t have any other choice.  I am only going after the Collectors and missing colonists.  Once this mission is over, assuming I survive, I have every intention of severing all ties with them.  But I just can’t sit and do nothing when I have the opportunity to do _something_.  I just can’t.”

Tevos nodded, saying, “I believe you are sincere, Shepard.  Perhaps...maybe there is a compromise.  Not a public acknowledgement, given your ties, but something to show peripheral support.”

She shared a glance with Sparatus, who said, “If you keep a low profile and restrict yourself to the Terminus Systems, the Council is willing to offer you reinstatement as a Spectre.”

She knew it was the best she was going to get and honestly, more than she had expected.  After sharing a quick glance with Anderson, she stepped forward.

“Very well, I accept.  Thank you.”

Tevos nodded her head.

“Good luck with your investigation, Shepard.  We hope for a quick resolution, and a quick end to your relationship with Cerberus.”

“You and me both, Councilor.”

With that, the connection was severed and she was alone with Anderson.  She turned towards him.

“So, what about the Alliance?  What’s my status with them?”

“I don’t know yet, Shepard.  I’ll talk to Hackett and we’ll see what we can do.  Don’t expect support on your current mission, I can tell you that much.  Most of the Alliance brass are acting just like the Council, burying their heads in the sand.  There are a few, myself and Hackett included, who believe the threat of the Reapers is real.  But our hands remain somewhat tied by everyone else.”

Sighing, she said, “Yeah, that’s what I expected.  Can’t say I wasn’t hoping...but I knew.  Okay, business is done.  How are you Anderson?  I’ve been told it’s been two years, even though I could swear it’s only been two weeks.”

“I’m all right, although arguing politics with these people isn’t exactly where I pictured my career going.  Still owe you for that one by the way.”

“Yeah, well, you really think Udina would have been the better choice?”

“No, but that still doesn’t mean I wanted to do it.  Ah, hell.  I hope I’m doing some good, so that’s got to count for something, right?  Anyways, enough about me.  What about you, Shepard?  How are you coping with everything?  I can’t imagine…”

“Doing a little better every day.  I’ve got Garrus with me.  And Joker and Dr. Chakwas.  So that helps.  A lot.  Uh...can I ask you a question, Anderson?”

He looked at her and she saw sadness in his eyes and knew he had read her mind before he replied, “I honestly don’t know where he is, Shepard.  He’s been promoted, Staff Commander.  I think he’s...investigating rumors of your return.  But I honestly don’t know anything else.”

“So he knows?”

“Like I said, rumors.  We’ve been hearing them for a while now.”

Confused, Shepard shook her head.  

“But I’ve only been awake for two weeks.  How…?  Ah.  Fucking Illusive Man!  He’s purposely trying to stir up trouble for me, make me dependent on him.”

Anderson looked at her with renewed concern as he said, “Please be careful, Shepard.  I get why and I know you don’t have a choice right now, but you are dealing with the devil.”

“Oh, believe me, I am _very_ aware of that.”

They both looked up at the sound of the door opening to see Garrus and Mordin returning.  Anderson held his hand out to Garrus.

“Vakarian.  Good to see you.  Keep our girl safe, huh?”

Shaking his hand, Garrus replied, “Of course, sir.  And good to see you too.”

Turning back towards Shepard, Anderson said, “Do me a favor?  Drop me a line once in a while and let me know you’re doing okay?”

“Sure.  Don’t expect anything going through the ship to be secure, but keep me posted as much as you can.  And tell Hackett if there is anything I can do for the Alliance, he can still count on me.”

“Believe me, he knows that.  But it’s still good to hear you say it, especially considering we can’t offer you much public support.”  

Grasping her hand, he continued, “But please don’t think that means that we don’t.  We both were friends with Leon.  He cared deeply about what happened to you and so do we.  I consider you family, Shepard.  So _please_ be careful.”

“I...don’t really know what to say.  Thank you.  I...that means a lot to me.”

As she left and headed back to her ship, Shepard rolled that word around in her mind.   _Family_.  It wasn’t a word she had thought about in many years, but she had to admit that she had liked the sound of it.  She had liked it quite a bit.


	15. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Aaaaand here we are. Horizon. Long chapter is long. But mostly because I used all the in game dialogue from their conversation on Horizon. I tried to get inside Kaidan’s head and tell it from his perspective. I hope I did it justice. If there is anyone who hasn’t listed to the recording that Raphael Sbarge did of ‘the letter’, you should do that. (I am fully aware that I may have been the last person in the universe to realize that it existed, but just in case….) Just reading the typed version of the letter, I thought ‘Oh Kaidan is such an ASS!’. Listening to him read it out loud though-that almost made me tear up. Hearing the emotion behind it changed my whole perspective on Horizon. I mean, he was still kind of an ass, but...I guess it was just more understandable. :) Just my opinion though.  
> I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Your kudos and comments were among some of my favorite presents! :)  
> Anyways….I’ll get to the chapter now...  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

_Horizon_

 

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko stared down at the report in his hands.  It was the reason he had been sent to this remote colony, and he had read it at least a dozen times.  But it still didn’t make any sense to him.  Everything about it was wrong, contradicting everything he knew to be true.  Kiliane was dead.  He had attended her funeral, had mourned for her.  Hell, he had almost not survived the grief himself.  There was no way she was alive.  If she was, he would have been the first to know.  

And if, by some remote chance, she _was_ alive, there was no way she’d be working with Cerberus.  She hated them with every fiber of her being.  They were responsible for some of her worst nightmares.  He had held her after a couple of them, when she would wake up screaming and swear she could still feel the acid burning her skin.  After everything they had seen together, every horrible Cerberus operation that they had found and put a stop to, she would never work with them.  He was sure of it.

But obviously someone had thought there was a grain of truth to the rumors.  Enough that they had sent him to investigate.  They had heard that Cerberus was behind the missing colonies and that the formerly deceased Commander Kiliane Shepard was working with them.  Intel said this colony was the next one to be hit, so he had been sent here under the pretense of setting up defenses for the colony.

The colonists weren’t buying it.  They didn’t trust him at all, not that he could blame them.  He had supposedly been sent here to oversee the installation of new AA guns for the colony, but he couldn’t get them to work properly.  Every little thing that went wrong had been his fault.  Their mechanic, Delan, had been the worst.  The man had been outright hostile towards him since he had arrived.  Sighing, he put the report to the side.  It was time to get back to work.  Even if it was just an excuse to station him here, he still needed to get those defenses up and running.  Seeing the one person who had been civil to him since his arrival, he exited his quarters and called her name.

“Lilith!  We’ve got a problem.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kaidan wasn’t sure how long he had been frozen like this, watching in horror as colonist after colonist was hauled away.  He was able to move his eyes around but that was it.  It almost felt like a stasis, but he was unable to break free, no matter what he did.

He had been walking towards the main guns with Lilith when he had seen the ship approaching.  The same ship that had haunted his nightmares for the last two years.  In that instant he had realized that it must all be true.  It couldn’t be a coincidence that the same ship that had destroyed the original Normandy and ‘killed’ Commander Shepard was now here, attacking the colony.  Was she in on it from the beginning?  Or had they taken her and brainwashed her somehow?  Were these creatures another horrible Cerberus creation?  He didn’t know what to believe right now.  As he sat here, unable to move, all he had were his thoughts.  

He had seen them take Lilith, had seen them take so many others.  They were slowly making their way towards him when something had happened.  They had all left what they were doing, rushing off before he heard gunfire.  He even heard the AA guns go off.  Someone had gotten them running, but who?  He watched as the ship took off, and slowly, he felt the stasis wear off.  He was able to move his fingers and toes first and eventually he was able to take a step.  Hearing voices around the corner, he started towards them.  But when he got close enough to hear what they were saying, he froze.

“..I did what I could.”

“More than most, Shepard.”

He _knew_ those voices.  Both of them, but it was the first one that he heard in his head every night as he drifted off to sleep.  It was the first one that went straight to his heart, breaking it into a million pieces.  She was really here, their intel had been right.  How was any of this possible?  He was torn between running around that corner to throw himself into her arms and drawing his weapon on her.  He went with his gut and ended up somewhere in between.

He heard Delan talking as he rounded the corner, “...some type of big Alliance hero.”

“Commander Shepard.  Captain of the Normandy.  The first human Spectre.  Savior of the Citadel.  You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan.  And a ghost.”

He turned and looked into her eyes as he said the last three words.  They were...almost the same.  He couldn’t put his finger on what, but something wasn’t quite right.  He could still read them though.  Her face didn’t betray much, but those bright green flecks did.  She was trying to hold herself back, but why?  

He heard Delan being his usual self in the background but ignored him.  Finally, the mechanic walked away and Kaidan stepped towards her, saying “I thought you were dead, Shepard.  We all did.”  

He pulled her in for a hug, but he was unable to hide the hurt in his voice.  And she was just as good at reading him as he was with her.

“You don’t sound too happy to see me.  Something bothering you, Kaidan?”

Even though he knew she was feeling more than she let on, he didn’t understand _why_.  And her nonchalant comment hit just the right nerve.  He was angry.

“Yeah, something’s bothering me.  I spent the last two years believing you were dead!  I thought we had something, Shepard.  Something real.  I...I loved you.  Thinking you were dead tore me apart.  How could you put me through that?  Why didn’t you try to contact me?  Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

“Not my choice.  I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.”

At her words, he felt like he had taken a punch to the gut.  Cerberus.  She was really and truly working with them.  How?  Why?  He slowly backed away from her, hoping the small amount of distance would help to numb the pain.

“You’re with Cerberus now?”  He glanced at the turian standing beside her. “Garrus too?  I can’t believe the reports were right.”

“Reports?” Garrus spoke up.  “You mean you already knew?”

“Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies.  They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit.  Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors you weren’t dead.  That you were working for the enemy.”

“Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies.  That doesn’t mean I answer to them.”

She didn’t really believe that, did she?  What had they done to her?  The Kiliane Shepard he knew would never fall for a trap that easily.

“Do you really believe that?  Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?” He took a step back towards her, even as he felt her slipping further away.  “I wanted to believe the rumors you were alive, but I never expected anything like this.  You turned your back on everything we believed in.  You betrayed the Alliance.  You betrayed me.”

He say her eyes flash at his words.  What little emotion she had allowed on her face was gone, her expression becoming completely neutral.  Why was she shutting him out like this?  Had they brainwashed her while she had been in a coma?  Was she even the same person?

“Kaidan, you know me.  You know I’d only do this for the right reason.  You saw it yourself.  The Collectors are targeting human colonies.  And they’re working with the Reapers!”

He tried.  He wanted to believe her, he really did.  It would just be so easy to say okay, and follow her on some crazy mission again.  But not with Cerberus.  He knew what they had done to her once, on Akuze.  She had been part of an experiment then, and he was sure she was again.  Why couldn’t _she_ see that?

“I want to believe you, Shepard.  But I don’t trust Cerberus.  They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you.  What if they’re behind this?  What if they’re working with the Collectors?”

“Damn it, Kaidan!” Garrus exclaimed from behind Shepard.  “You’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the real threat!”

“You’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts.” Shepard agreed with Garrus.

“Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you.  Maybe _you’re_ the one who’s not thinking straight.”  He could see he was not going to be able to get through to her.  “You’ve changed.  But I still know where my loyalties lie.  I’m an Alliance soldier.  Always will be.  I...I’ve got to report back to the Citadel.  They can decide if they believe your story or not.”

And with that, he turned his back on her.  He felt like he was watching the Normandy explode in front of him all over again, and he just couldn’t do it.  He barely survived the first time, he knew he wouldn’t a second.  As he was walking away, he heard her voice again.  It almost... _almost_ sounded like her again.

“I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan.  It’ll be just like old times.”

God, how he wanted to believe that.  He really did.  He turned his head back towards her.

“No, it won’t.  I’ll never work for Cerberus.  Goodbye, Shepard.  And be careful.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_The Citadel, One week after Horizon_

 

Kaidan sat in his quarters, replaying the events on Horizon in his head for the thousandth time that week.  The horror of being frozen and watching people being carried away.  The shock of seeing the woman that he had loved, the woman he had thought dead for two years, standing in front of him, now working for an organization that he had long thought the enemy.  Their conversation.  He knew he had let his emotion get the better of him and had said things to her that he now regretted.  Even if she had changed, even if she was not the same woman that he had fallen in love with, he knew she was still Commander Kiliane Shepard.  She was trying to find a way to save the galaxy, and doing it the best way she knew how.  He knew that the Council and the Alliance had closed doors for her that Cerberus had been able to open.  He should never have called her a traitor, he knew that now.  Hell, he had known that then, he just wasn’t able to admit it while he had felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest.

After leaving Horizon, he had reported immediately to the Citadel and had spoken with both Alliance brass and the Council.  He had finally had a real conversation with Anderson and his former Captain had made him realize what a complete ass he had been.  Had made it clear how limited Shepard’s options were and that she was as unhappy with the arrangement as everyone on the outside was, if not more so.

He had stewed on it for a few days, not really knowing how to fix it- _if_ he could fix it.  Finally, he had recorded a short message for her and sent it through Anderson.  He knew it had been inadequate, but he didn’t know what else to do.  He wasn’t even sure what he wanted at this point, he just knew he did _not_ want to be another source of pain or confusion for her.  Sighing, he decided he should just leave it at that.  They were both different people than they were two years ago.  That brief, wonderful time that they had shared back then would always be a good memory.  It didn’t need to be anything other than that.

That didn’t mean that if she called him up right now and said that she still loved him, that we wouldn’t fight for her, for them.  But after everything that she had been through and everything that had happened, that was up to her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_The Normandy, One week after Horizon_

 

Kiliane had been staring at the blinking light on her terminal for the last hour.  She was still trying to work up the courage to open the message she had received from Kaidan.  If it was more of the same feelings he had expressed on Horizon, she wasn’t sure she could take it.  Not that she blamed him for it.  She had known he would be hurt to find out about everything that way, without her telling him first.  She just wished he had understood she hadn’t had a choice.  She never would have deliberately hurt him like that.  

Sighing, she hit the button to open the message.  She was surprised to find nothing written other than the subject, but there was an audio file attached.  Opening it up, her hand hovered over the play button for several minutes before she finally hit it.  The minute she heard him say ‘I’m sorry’, she started tearing up.  By the time she had listened to the entire file, the tears were pouring down her face.

She felt bad for being the source of such pain for him, and she knew what she needed to do.  She needed to accept his apology.  She needed to absolve him of any guilt he felt for Horizon or for moving on with his life.  She needed to let him go so that she would not be a source of further pain for him.  Her future was so uncertain ,with a suicide mission in front of her and the Reapers still out there if she survived that.  She would take the memories of what they had shared for a brief time, and hold onto them as a beautiful time in her life that was now over.

She would do this for him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Unknown location, Two days later_

 

Kaidan was settling in for the night, having just arrived at his latest assignment, when he heard his omni-tool chime to indicate he had a new message.  Curious, he opened it up and saw that he had a message from Shepard.  Hesitating only briefly, he opened it up and read what she wrote.  When he finished, he knew that she was closing the door on their relationship.  And while he had been prepared for it, it still stung a little.  But she was right.  They had both had important jobs to do and that was what they needed to focus on now.  At least she had not seemed upset about Horizon, and for that he was glad.

He read through the message one more time before deleting it altogether.

 

_Kaidan,_

 

_Thank you for your message, although you have nothing to apologize for.  I understood where you were coming from.  I am so very sorry that I was unable to get a message to you sooner, so that you wouldn’t have had to find out like that._

_I also wanted to tell you that I am so happy that you have moved on with your life and I am proud of what you have accomplished the last two years.  Maybe one day, if I make it back to the Alliance, we will have a chance to serve together again.  You are an excellent soldier and it was a privilege to work with you for the short time I did._

_You know what is coming down the road with the Reapers.  I don’t know if I will make it back from my current mission or not.  If I don’t, there need to be people here, people like you, preparing for them.  I know you are more than capable._

_Take care of yourself, Kaidan._

_~Kiliane_

 


	16. Miranda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, after last chapter Kaidan got in my head and wouldn’t leave me alone, so I had to take a little break and give him the short story he was demanding. But, that’s done and he is quiet for now. So here’s another chapter. Yay! :)  
> I debated doing a Miranda chapter, but this actually came together a lot easier than I expected. Hopefully that doesn’t mean it’s pure crap. LOL ;)  
> Kudos and comments are among my favorite things!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard, I wonder if I might have a word with you.  In private.”

Shepard had been sitting in the mess going over a couple of reports when Miranda approached her.  She looked up at the Cerberus operative and was surprised to see her almost looking _nervous_.  Curious about what could make her normally stoic XO feel uncomfortable, she nodded and stood up.

“Sure, Miranda.  Your office is closest, shall we head in there?”

Miranda looked relieved as she said, “Yes, perfect.”

Shepard followed her around the corner and through the door to her quarters.  As soon as they were in the room, Miranda started pacing back and forth and didn’t say a word.  Shepard’s curiosity was growing by the second.  Finally, Miranda stopped and turned towards her.

“Shepard, I...I am not very good at this.  I...need to ask a favor of you.”

Shepard fought the urge to laugh out loud.  Miranda had barely been even civil to her since the moment she had woken up in her lab.  And while she hadn’t been outright hostile since Freedom’s Progress, the two women spent most of their time avoiding each other.  Shepard had tried to talk to her once, but Miranda had obviously not been interested in having Shepard get to know her on anything even remotely resembling a personal level.  And she was fine with that.  As long as Miranda didn’t try to tell her how to do her job and stayed out of her way, they were able to coexist on the ship.

But now she wanted her help.  This was an interesting development and Shepard couldn’t wait to see how it played out.  She crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall.

“Okay, what’s up?”

“Do you remember when I said that my father had...created me?   And that I ran away from him and came to Cerberus for protection?”

Shepard just nodded, so Miranda continued.

“Well...I didn’t escape alone.  My sister, my twin, was with me.  Cerberus was able to keep her safe and let her have a normal life.  Until now.”

“Your father has found her?”

"He knows what planet she's on, it's only a matter of time before he narrows it down further." Miranda sighed before continuing.  "I don't like talking about my personal life, Shepard.  And I know I haven't exactly been easy to get along with but this is really important to me. I have to get to her before he does and get her somewhere safe. And I know I won't be able to do it alone."

Shepherd was surprised to hear genuine emotion in her XO's voice.  Her amusement faded quickly as she realized how serious this must be.

“I take it your father is a dangerous man?”

“Very.  He doesn’t want my sister back out of any normal love of a father for his daughter.  The only person he has ever loved is himself.  I don’t know what exactly he has in mind for my sister, but I can guarantee that it is nothing good.”

“Alright, Miranda.  What do you need from me?”

“They are on Ilium.  I know a couple of our dossiers are leading us there anyways, so we shouldn’t need to make any detours.  Cerberus has helped come up with a reason for her and her family to move and they have arranged transport.  I just want us to be there to make sure that everything goes off without a hitch.  I have a contact on Ilium, Lanteia.  She will get in touch once we have arrived and can meet her in a secure location.”

Sheppard nodded and put her hand on Miranda’s shoulder.

“We’ll be on Ilium tomorrow morning and that’ll be our first priority.  We’ll make sure that your sister is all right.”

“Thank you, Shepard.  I don’t deserve your kindness, but I appreciate it.”

“Miranda, I’m not going to let something happen to your sister just because you and I don’t see eye-to-eye.  For someone who claims to have studied everything about me, you really don’t understand me at all.”

“I...am beginning to realize that.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two days later, Shepard was once again standing in Miranda’s office.  Although things hadn’t exactly gone smoothly, they had managed to get her sister and her family relocated safely.  It turned out that Oriana was Miranda’s twin genetically but they were years apart in age.  Oriana had barely been a toddler when the two had escaped from their father’s control.  Yes, Miranda had not exactly told her the entire story when she had enlisted her help, but Shepard could see that everything she had done was out of love for her sister.  It was hard to fault her for being protective of the nice, _normal_ life she had built up for her.

She had gotten to see a completely different side of her XO during the mission and she was beginning to get a little insight into what made Miranda act the way she did.  It seemed that despite, or maybe more accurately, _because of_ her ‘perfect’ genes, Miranda struggled with insecurity.  She could see that the woman felt somewhat tainted by the tampering her father had done-both in her genetic makeup and her childhood.  And while the two women might not ever be _friends_ , there had been a subtle shift in their relationship.  That was why Shepard felt comfortable enough to be in here and questioning the Cerberus operative.  

They had picked up two more crew members on Ilium, and had barely had time to get them introduced on the ship when the Illusive Man had contacted her with another urgent mission.  Supposedly, a turian patrol had stumbled across a Collector ship and managed to disable it.  He wanted them to board it and find information on crossing through the Omega 4 relay.  It was all just a little _too_ convenient.

“Miranda, I’m smart enough to see that this is a trap, and I know you’re smart enough to see it.  I just don’t buy that the Illusive man can’t see it as well.  That means that he is purposely sending us into a trap.  Why would he do that?”

“I really don’t know, Shepard.  But I know that he wouldn’t do it without a good reason.”

Shepard studied the woman standing in front of her and considered carefully before she finally nodded and said, “All right.  I’m going to take Garrus and Jack in there with me.  I want you to get everyone else together here, and be ready when things inevitably go south.”

“Of course, Commander.”

Of course things _did_ go south, and in a rather spectacular fashion.  Not only was the ‘disabled’ Collector ship not disabled, as she had suspected, but it had been a trap set specifically for _her_.  It was the same ship that had destroyed the original Normandy, leaving her spaced above Alchera.  It was also the same ship that had attacked Horizon.  The were obviously very interested in her.

The most shocking thing they had discovered was that the race the galaxy knew as the Collectors were actually _Protheans_ , repurposed by the Reapers into slaves and soldiers.  The least shocking thing they had discovered was the proof EDI had found that the Illusive Man had known it was a trap before he sent them in.  After fighting her way through seemingly endless waves of horrific abominations, she was way beyond angry with the head of Cerberus.

“I needed the Collectors to believe they had the upper hand.  Telling you could have tipped them off in any number of ways.  Besides, I wouldn’t have sent you if I didn’t think you could succeed.”

"You keep trying to convince me that we’re on the same side, but you are doing a piss-poor job of proving it.  I don’t like being in the dark, and I’m not buying your bullshit about the Collectors finding out.  The truth is, you just like being in control, but if you even think about pulling something like that again?  I will find you and I will bring you down.  Don’t risk my life or my crew’s lives in some stupid play for power.  Got it?”

“Of course, Shepard.”

She didn’t believe him for one second, but she’d said her piece.  It was enough for now.  He told her about the derelict Reaper and the IFF they eventually needed to pick up.  Not in a huge hurry to get run to another ‘derelict’ ship per his orders, she called for a meeting with the crew.  

She explained everything that had been said between her and the Illusive Man.  She could see Miranda bristle when she got to the part about threatening him, and made a mental note to talk with her later.  Then they went over EDI’s information on the location of the Collector base and what this could mean for their mission.  After getting everyone’s input, she decided to continue building her team before heading to get the IFF.  There was no telling what they might find an a Reaper, and she wanted to be ready for it.

She dismissed everyone but asked Miranda to hang back for a bit.

“Is there something wrong, Commander?”

“Listen, Miranda, I believe that you were in the dark about this as much as I was.  But, that blind loyalty you have for Cerberus and it’s _illustrious_ leader?  That’s something you need to seriously reconsider.”

“I know that the Illusive Man has his flaws, he is far from perfect.  Even he wouldn’t claim he was, but everything he does is for the advancement of the human race.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Miranda, you are smarter than that.  You’re just feeding me the company line.  What I’m asking you to do is to think for yourself.  I’m not telling you that you need to feel the same way that I do, but I want you to have your own opinion.”

Miranda started to speak, but Shepard held up her hand.

“No.  I’m not asking for you to tell me anything, say anything, defend anything.  I just want you to think about it.  I also want to say something else to you.  You don’t give yourself enough credit, by far.  You think that everything you have accomplished, everything you can do, is because of some perfect sequence of genetic code.  That’s a load of crap.  Certain things may come easier to you because of it, but I’m guessing there are other things that don’t.  And you still have to be the one to make the decision, perform the act, motivate that other person.  That is all you.  If you can admit that your mistakes are fully your own, it’s not even close to logical to say that your successes are not.”

She sighed and then continued, “I made a judgement about you the first time we met, and I kept that with me until a few days ago.  But recently, I’ve seen another side of you and it’s made me realize that I wasn’t being completely fair.  I feel like I may have contributed to some of your insecurities because I wasn’t utilizing you as my XO, and I was, to be perfectly honest, avoiding you as much as possible.  I want to apologize for that, and promise you here and now that that will change.  You have a lot to offer and I have been foolish to not take advantage of that.”

Miranda just blinked at her several times before stuttering, “I-I...don’t really know what to say.”

“Like I said, you don’t need to say anything.  Just consider what I’ve said, okay?”

“I’ll do that.”

“Good.  Now, I’m going to go get a shower and some sleep before we head to Haestrom.  You should too.  Talk to you in the morning, Miranda.”

As Shepard was leaving the conference room, Miranda called out behind her, “Shepard, wait.”

She turned back towards her XO.

“Yes?”

“I want to apologize as well.  I spent a lot of time figuring out how to bring you back exactly as you were, with your abilities and mental functions intact.  But I never considered the consequences.  This hasn’t been easy for you, waking up two years later in a world that has moved on without you.  To top it off, you woke up within an organization that you’d had nothing but negative experiences with.  And I didn’t exactly give you a warm welcome.  I just want to say, you’ve handled yourself extraordinarily, considering everything you’ve had to come to terms with in the last few weeks.  I’m very grateful to have the chance to work with you.”

Shepard studied her for a bit before nodding and simply saying, "Thank you, Miranda.  Have a good night.”

The other woman gave her a warm smile.

"You too, Shepard."

 


	17. Garrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, this chapter did not go the way I originally had planned. But Shepard and Garrus apparently had a different vision, and I just couldn’t argue with them. :)  
> Thanks again for all the kudos and comments. It makes my day every time I get a notification. :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard made her way to the Main Battery to check on Garrus.  She was worried about her friend.  He had barely come out from under the main gun the last few days.  And when she had tagged him to come with her on Haestrom to rescue Tali, he had asked her to take someone else, claiming to be sick.  She’d left it alone then, but she knew that he wasn’t sick.  Something was definitely on his mind, and she was determined to figure out what it was.  The doors opened in front of her and she saw him working on the main gun.  Again.

“Hey Garrus.  Have you got a minute?”

“Can it wait for a bit?  I’m in the middle of some calibrations.”

It was the same line he’d given her every time she’d come to talk with him the last few days.  She’d had enough.

“Actually, no, it can’t wait.  I’ve got a problem, Garrus.”

He looked up from the panel he was working on.  She’d never been great at reading turian facial expressions, but even she could see he was tired.  And there was a sadness in his eyes and a hardness to his expression that hadn’t been there two years ago.

“What’s up, Commander?”

“Well, I’m having a problem with one of the crew and I think you might be able to help.”

Confused, he said, “Um..I’m not really sure I’m the best person, but what’s the problem?”

“Well this guy has been through a lot, and it’s obviously taken a toll on him, both mentally and physically.  I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he doesn’t really seem to want to open up.  I think I could help, or at least be there for him if he'd just let me.  See, he’s been a very good friend to me, and I’m not sure he even realizes how much it’s meant to me to have him here, by my side, after everything.”

Shepard watched Garrus’ face until he realized that she wasn’t just talking about any crew member.  He didn’t say anything, just stared at her with his mandibles clicking.

“Garrus, I don’t know what you went through down there, but you know me.  You know I’ve seen a lot of things, been through a lot myself.  There has to be something I can offer you, if only an ear to listen.”

When he still didn’t say anything, she tried a different tactic.  “I need people I can fully trust to have my back right now.  People like you and Tali.  So if your turian pride won’t let you accept help from a friend who cares about you, then accept it out of duty from your commanding officer.  Because you are not at a hundred percent right now, and I need you to be.”

Garrus looked down at the floor before finally saying, “I messed up, Shepard.  I messed up so bad that my men paid with their lives.”

“Tell me what happened.”

She could see him struggling, could see that he really didn’t want to talk to her about this.  She thought back to their days aboard the original Normandy, the way he had looked up to her and had been eager to learn from her and took what she said to heart.  She wondered if that was contributing to his reluctance to talk to her now.  If he was somehow worried about disappointing her.

Well, she’d had her share of failures along the way.  It wasn’t something she liked talking about either, but maybe now was one of those times when she should.  She leaned back against the wall and started speaking softly.

“When we were kids, my twin brother Keaghan and I, we would get into all sorts of trouble.  Actually, _I_ would get into all sorts of trouble and just pull him along for the ride.  He used to say that I was so brave because I would try anything, but the truth is that I was just a stupid kid and didn’t understand mortality.  Keaghan on the other hand, now he _was_ brave.  I was the one always putting us into stupid situations, but he was the one getting us out.  Whether that meant climbing halfway down the side of a ravine to pull me out after I got stuck or taking the blame and facing my mother’s wrath, he always did it without hesitation.”

“The day that Mindoir was attacked, I was frozen in fear.  I didn’t move while I listened to them kill my mother and father.  I was sat paralyzed as a batarian pointed a gun in my face.  Keaghan, of course, didn’t hesitate.  He jumped in to protect me again and I watched him die in front of me.”

She looked up to see Garrus staring intently at her, listening, so she continued, “That’s just number one on a long list of things I screwed up in my life.  Then there’s Akuze.  My whole unit died _while I was on patrol_.  And there’s Virmire...Ash.  I’ve been there, Garrus.  Talk to me about it.  Please.”

He stared at her a bit longer before he finally sighed and started to speak.

“I told you about what my team was doing there, the way that we were stirring up trouble for the different mercenary groups?” Shepard nodded and he continued, “Well, I didn’t know it at the time but they finally decided that they’d had enough and decided to team up to take us out.  They also decided that the way to do that was through one of my men, Sidonis.  He was the first member of my squad.  I guess I…I just assumed that I could trust him because he had been with me the longest.  A stupid mistake that cost me everything.””

“They turned him somehow?”

Garrus nodded, “Yeah, I still don’t know how, but it doesn’t really matter.  He betrayed us.  He told me about a tip on a Blood Pack operation going on, but when I got to the location, nothing was there.  I got back just in time to watch them kill every last member of my squad.”

“So, where do you think you went wrong?”

“I trusted Sidonis and ignored his weakness.  When I look back, I can see little things here and there.  Things that should have tipped me off.”

“Really, though?  You have the benefit of hindsight right now, but you didn't then.  I have a feeling if there were obvious signs of someone keeping a secret, you would have seen them at the time.  I bet the truth is that they were a few little oddities, that even looking back, don’t necessarily prove anything.”

“I don’t know, Shepard.  Maybe they didn’t prove he was a traitor, but I feel like if you had been there, you’d have noticed something.  You’d have seen him struggling and talked with him-made him open up.”  He looked at her pointedly.  “You’re good at that.  Me, not so much.  I’m not a natural leader like you.”

She considered carefully before she spoke again.

“Garrus, you spend too much time comparing yourself to other people. Me on the Normandy and your father when you were in C-Sec.  The only person you need to worry about is you.  Did you learn something from those mistakes you made yesterday that make you a better person today?  That’s the question you should be asking yourself every day.  Not what someone else would have done.  And I think you are wrong about not being a leader.  All of those people willingly followed you and fought for your cause.  Sounds like you were a good leader to me.”

“But I got them all killed!”

“No, those mercs, and possibly Sidonis, got them killed.  Would they be alive if you had done a few things different?  It’s possible, but you can’t live your life by dwelling on that.  You learn what you can from it and they you move on.  Because if you don’t, it _will_ happen again.”

He didn’t say anything.  She pushed herself off the wall and walked over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.  

“Listen, I know that it’s easy for me to say that right now, from the outside.  But you’ll get there eventually.  It’s okay to feel guilt, grief, anger.  Just...don’t bottle it up.  Talk to me, talk to someone.  Maybe Tali.  I seem to remember that you two were close on the SR-1.  And she just lost almost her entire team on Haestrom.  It wasn’t quite the same situation, but she might have a better idea of what you are going through than you think.”

When he looked at her in surprise, she realized that he hadn’t even talked to Tali at all since she’d come aboard yesterday.

“I...didn’t realize...is she okay?”

“I think she will be, but maybe you should go ask her yourself.  I think she’d appreciate it.”  Giving him a smirk, she said, “She’s almost as predictable as you so I know you’ll be able to find her.”

He gave a small laugh and then said, “Maybe I’ll go down there and check in with her.”  He paused for a second and then said, “And thanks, Shepard.”

She just smiled and nodded before saying, “We’re headed to the Citadel so Thane can take care of some personal business.  We’ll refuel and restock while we’re there, so could you put together a list?”

He agreed to take a look at their supplies and she left to go back to her quarters to prepare a list of her own.  She had been up in the loft for barely an hour when EDI informed her that Garrus was requesting a word with her.  

“Send him in.”

She looked up when her door opened and Garrus came striding in, looking upset.

“What’s up, Garrus?”

“Commander.  Shepard.”

She waited but he didn’t say anything else.  He was, however, pacing a hole in her floor.

“Yes, that’s who I am.  What happened?”

“You said we’re going to the Citadel, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Is there a chance...do you think we could…”  He stopped pacing, turning to look at her before he said, “I found him.  Sidonis.  He’s there, on the Citadel, living under a different name.”

“Ah.”

“I have to find him.  I have to get justice for my men.”

“Okay.”

“I know that you...wait.  Did you say okay?”

“You already know that I don’t think that’s the right call.  But it’s not mine to make, it’s yours.  So if that’s your choice, I’ll help you.”

“Um, thanks.  He went through someone named ‘Fade’ to change his identity, so that’s where we need to start.”

“All right, we can check with Captain Bailey.  He seemed like he had ear to the ground around there.  I have to check with him on something for Thane anyways, so I’ll ask about your ‘Fade’ as well.”

Garrus breathed a sigh of relief and said, “I really appreciate this, Shepard.  I know you don’t agree with me, but I think this will help me put it behind me and let those men rest.”

“I hope you’re right.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus was pissed.  Shepard had said that the decision was his, but she was doing everything she could to get in his way.  She hadn’t let him interrogate Harkin the way he wanted and now that they had found Sidonis, she was standing between him and Garrus’ sniper rifle.  And she was _talking_ to him, asking him why he had done it.  It didn’t matter.  Couldn’t she see that?  All those men were dead and it was Garrus’ _duty_ to make sure Sidonis paid for it.

“Shepard, move.  I have the shot.”

She didn’t listen.   _Of course she didn’t listen_.  He only partially heard her conversation with Sidonis.  He heard enough to know the man was a coward, but that didn’t change what needed to be done.  He looked through his scope, waiting for her to move so that he could take the shot.  Unfortunately, she had an uncanny ability to be exactly where she needed to be.  Every time Sidonis moved, she moved with him, staying right in Garrus’ line of sight.

It was when he started thinking about how to take the shot anyways, how he could just injure her and still kill Sidonis, that he realized with a start that she was right.  What was he doing?  He was so focused on getting revenge that he was thinking about shooting one of his best friends to do it.

He focused back on the conversation in time to hear Sidonis say, “Tell Garrus...I guess there’s nothing I can say to make it right.”

He sounded so defeated and Garrus realized that he was already in a hell many times worse than the one he had been trying to send him to.

With a sigh, he said, “Just...go.  Tell him to go.”

He listened as Shepard and Sidonis parted, with the latter promising to try and make it up to him.   _As if that were possible_.  Garrus’ emotions were in turmoil.  He wasn’t sure he had made the right call for his men, but he knew it had been the right one for him.  Were they the same thing?

When Shepard returned in the skycar to pick him up, he couldn’t bring himself to even look at her.  She told him she was proud of him, but if she had only known what he had been thinking ten minutes before...well, he was sure she wouldn’t be _proud_.  They rode in an uncomfortable silence all the way back to the Normandy, where he promptly went back to the Main Battery.  Working with the calibrations of the main gun took all his concentration and was always a good distraction for him.

He worked for hours, but he knew he would need to eventually face her.  So he wasn’t surprised when he heard the doors open.  

As she entered, he looked up and said, “Hey Shepard.  Thanks for helping me find Sidonis.”

She looked at him warily.  “I thought you might be mad at me.”

He shook his head, saying, “No, not at you.  I know that you are always just trying to help me see all sides.  And you were right, I wasn’t being myself.  I, ah...I realized that when I was trying to figure out the best way to shoot _through_ you.”

Her eyes widened but she remained silent.

“I realized that I was letting my anger and pain guide me, and it was taking me places I really didn’t want to go.  I wouldn’t be honoring my men if I did something like that.  So...I’m sorry.  And thank you.  Again.”

“You’re welcome, Garrus.  And, no apology is necessary.  I knew you’d figure it out eventually.  You are a good soldier and a good man.  I’m lucky to have you at my back and even more so to call you my friend.”

“Yeah, well.  Someone has to be around to pull you out of the fire, especially with your tendency to willingly jump right into it.”

She laughed and he knew that she was right about everything.  He _had_ done the right thing.  He _would_ get through this, eventually.  

And he still didn’t like Cerberus, nor did he trust them.  But he knew that they had done the entire galaxy a huge favor when they had brought the woman standing in front of him back to life.


	18. Tali

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. I finally got my husband to get his own copy of ME3 and we’ve been trying to best each other’s scores on the multiplayer. Spare time has been limited because even when he can’t play, I’m leveling up my character.  
> I hate losing. :)  
> Holiday craziness is all finally over (it is so spread out in my family) so that will help. Plus, I’m a little less busy at work this time of year. And I may or may not use free time for personal use… ;)  
> I’m getting close to wrapping up ME2. I have just a couple more chapters planned and then maybe one in-between before starting ME3. So, yay! Anyways, here’s the chapter. I’ll shut up now.  
> I love, love, love comments and kudos and am grateful for all those I have received so far.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Even though Tali really didn’t like Cerberus, she had to admit that they built an impressive ship.  The original Normandy had been unlike anything she had ever seen, bringing together the best of what both the  Human Alliance and the Turian Hierarchy were capable of.  The SR-2 improved on the SR-1 in almost every respect.  Someone who admired ships and their technology as much as Tali could certainly appreciate that.

But there was one area where she found the new ship lacking: the crew.  When she had come aboard, Shepard had made it clear that the quarian was in charge of engineering.  And Tali had to give credit to the two Cerberus engineers-they had accepted it without question and were actually quite good at their jobs.  Kenneth and Gabby seemed nice enough, but they wore Cerberus uniforms, and Tali found that difficult to see past.  Plus, she had grown close to all of the engineers on the SR-1, and she missed them.

She explained as much to Shepard when the commander came down to talk with her.

“I completely understand where you're coming from Tali, but I think you should give Ken and Gabby a chance.  They were actually in the Alliance and came to Cerberus just for this mission, just to work with me.  You have more in common with them than you think.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ve had a good talk with them.  Just like Joker, Dr. Chakwas and myself, they view this as a temporary alliance with Cerberus.”

Tali sighed.  “You don’t really trust them, do you?”

“Cerberus?  Not even a little.  But I haven’t been given much of a choice about working with them.  No one else really wants to associate with me right now.”

“That’s not entirely true, Shepard.  You know that Garrus and I have your back, no matter what.”

Shepard smiled.  “I know, and I’m incredibly grateful I am for that.  But we still need the resources that the Illusive Man can provide.  I’m not stupid, and I know he’s not either.  It’s not hard to see that he’s done everything he could to make my decision to stay here is an easy one.  He stirred trouble by spreading the rumors of my alliance with him and surrounded me with people who make me feel comfortable.  Joker, Dr. Chakwas, Kenneth, Gabby.  Even you.”

“Me?  He didn’t recruit me, you did.”

“Yeah, but who told me you were in trouble on Haestrom?  He did.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we were able to save you and Kal’Reegar.  And more than grateful for you to be here.  All I’m saying is that I am fully aware of the game he is playing, and the minute it stops benefiting me, I’ll end it.”

“But it’s such a dangerous game, Shepard.”

“I know, Tali.  But I promise you that before this is all over, the Illusive Man will wish he had picked someone else to play it with.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard stepped off the Normandy’s shuttle slowly and carefully.  She knew she was going to be sore in the morning.  Looking up, she saw Garrus standing there, _laughing_ at her.  She narrowed her eyes at her friend.

“Something to say Garrus?”

“I was just thinking that only you would leave here in a dress and heels and come back in armor that’s covered in burn marks and bullet holes.”

“Kasumi’s favor got a little more... _complicated_ than we anticipated.”  She sighed.  “Let’s face it.  You’re right.  I should fully expect this every time I get off the ship.  Hell, I should expect this every time I open my eyes.”

Garrus just started laughing harder, so she playfully punched his shoulder.  Honestly, she was glad to see him starting to act more like his old self.

“So, did you come down here just to make fun of me?”

Garrus’ expression quickly became more serious.

“No, actually.  I came because I was worried about Tali and was hoping you might try talking to her.”

“What do you mean?  What’s up?  She seemed fine when I talked to her this morning.”

“Well, we were sitting in the mess, talking and catching up.  But she got an incoming message on her omni-tool and just...left.  I’ve tried talking to her a couple times since, but she just keeps making up excuses.  Maybe it’s nothing, but it just doesn’t seem like her.”

“No it doesn’t.  I’ll get cleaned up and then I’ll go talk to her.”

“Thanks, Shepard.”

After a hot shower that her aching muscles screamed was not nearly long enough, Shepard made her way down to engineering.  She saw Tali standing in front of one of the consoles.  She was looking down at the screen but even through her mask, Shepard to could tell she wasn’t really seeing it.

“Tali?”

“Hi Shepard.”  The quarian didn’t look up.  “Did Garrus send you?”

“He’s worried about you.  What’s going on?”

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you…”

“Tell me what, Tali?”

Sighing, Tali looked up at her and said, “I have to leave.  I have to go back to the Migrant Fleet.  I am so sorry-after I told you that I’d have your back no matter what.  It’s just...really, really important that I get back there as soon as I can.”

“Tali, it’s fine.  I know you wouldn’t leave unless it was for a good reason.  Is there anything I can help with?”

“No!”

She answered so quickly and so loudly that Shepard was momentarily taken aback.  Tali rushed to explain.

“I-I couldn’t ask that of you, Shepard.  You have an important mission to complete.”

“Tali, you are my friend.  And I know that whatever would pull you away from this so suddenly must be important.  I’m not going to push you, but you know you can tell me anything, right?”

Tali nodded and then looked down at the floor.

“I know.  I just...it’s just that...I’ve been accused of treason by the Migrant Fleet.”

Shepard stared at her in shock, sure that she must have misheard.

“You what?”

“I don’t know why, but the Admiralty Board has charged me with treason and I need to go back to stand trial.”

“But you would never…” Shepard trailed off as an awful thought dawned on her.  “Is this because of me and Cerberus?”

Tali shook her head.  “No, it shouldn’t be.  I was up front about where I was going and what I was doing.  I honestly have no idea what this is about.  But...I’m scared Shepard.  If they find me guilty, I’ll be exiled from the fleet!”

“Well, whatever it is, it has to be ridiculous.  Anyone who knows you knows that you would _never_ commit treason against your people.  Tali, how can I help?  Can I come with you and speak on your behalf?  Like a character witness or something like that?”

“I can’t ask that of you.  Your mission is too important.”

“Tali, you’re my _friend_.  Listen, I don’t know how long a trial takes, and I’m not saying I can stay indefinitely.  But I _can_ go and make sure they are aware of everything that you have done for me and the galaxy as a whole.”

“I appreciate it.”

“With your permission, I’d like to bring Garrus into the loop.  He cares about you too, and he’s known you as long as I have.  I know that he’d want to do whatever he could to help you.”

“I...okay.  I suppose I should go talk to him.  I'm still not sure what is the best way is to tell someone that you have been accused of treason.”

“Well, he’ll know as well as I do that it’s absolutely crazy for anyone to think that about you.”  She paused, putting her hand on her friend’s shoulder.  “Tali, don’t worry about this.  I’m sure it’s just some sort of misunderstanding and we’ll have it cleared up in no time.”

“Thank you, Shepard.  I hope you’re right.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard, you can’t use this evidence!”

Shepard, Tali and Garrus were standing at a computer terminal aboard the Alarei, a Quarian research vessel.  The ship had been filled with hostile Geth platforms when they arrived, and they had just taken down the last of them.  A lot had happened in the few hours since they had joined the flotilla and Shepard was still trying to figure it all out.  

Upon their arrival aboard the Rayya, they had discovered that Tali had been charged with bringing active Geth pieces into the fleet.  After talking with her, Shepard discovered that Tali _had_ been sending Geth pieces back to her father at his request.  But she swore that they had all been inactive and not dangerous.  Then they had informed her that since Shepard was the commanding officer of the vessel Tali was currently serving on, she would be her counsel during the trial.  It was not something she had ever done before, but she had no plans on letting her friend down.  The minute the trial started, it had become clear that the Admiralty Board had some sort of ulterior motive.

And then they had told Tali about her father.  Apparently Geth had seized the Alarei, where he had been working on his research.  A team of marines had attempted to retake it, but had not been successful.  Everyone aboard was presumed dead.  Understandably, Tali refused to _presume_ anything about her father, so Shepard had offered to go to the Alari with her in an attempt to retake the ship and rescue any survivors.  

They had not been prepared for what they found when the boarded the ship.  The Geth had slaughtered every single Quarian on the ship, Tali’s father included.  They had also discovered that Tali’s father was responsible for what had happened.  He and his crew had purposely reactivated the Geth and linked them together.  And he had left Tali to take the blame in the end.  Shepard had never met the man, but she she knew that her friend deserved so much better.           

“Tali, this may be the only thing that can clear your name.”

“I don’t care!  Shepard, I understand that what my father did was wrong in so many ways, but I also understand _why_ he did it.  I can’t let him be remembered for this.  Even though he had his shortcomings, he was still my father.”  She paused briefly before adding, “ _Please_ , Shepard.”

By the time they made it back to the Rayya’s plaza, Shepard was beyond angry.  Angry at Tali’s father for putting her in this position.  Angry at the Admiralty Board for putting her through this farce of a trial, even though it was obvious that their real motives had nothing to do with her and everything to do with war against the Geth.  And when she turned the corner and overheard that they had already decided that they were dead and were voting to posthumously find Tali guilty, she’d hit her limit.  Judging by the way Tali shoved past her and stormed into the clearing, she had as well.

“Sorry we’re late.”

Shepard tried the diplomatic approach, but could see it wasn’t going to work unless she could present the evidence they had found.  And she just couldn’t bring herself to do that to Tali.  Even if it was _for_ Tali.  So she decided to go with her gut and call the admirals out on their absolutely ridiculous behavior.

“I don’t need any evidence to tell you that this trial is a sham.  You are using Tali as a pawn while you publicly debate what to do about the Geth, putting her on trial to further your own political agendas.  It’s reprehensible and Tali doesn’t deserve it.  I have seen Tali do incredible things, and she did them for you, for us, for the entire galaxy.  I’ve never met anyone more selfless than her.  Her actions alone have changed people’s opinions on your entire species.  If you choose to exile her, you will only be hurting yourselves.  You are stronger with her than you could ever be without her.  I know I am.”

There was complete silence in the plaza as the four admirals stood and stared at her.  Finally, one by one, they brought up their omni-tools and entered their votes.  Shepard couldn’t stop the grin that spread across her face as Shala'Raan read the verdict.

“Tali’Zorah, in light of your history of service, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict.  You are cleared of all charges.”

She then proceeded to thank Shepard for representing one of ‘their’ people, but she was having none of it.

“No, I represented one of _my_ people, one of my crew and a friend.  I did this for her and her alone.  I will say this though:  your idea of going to the war with the Geth right now is a horrible idea.  A much worse enemy is coming, and you would do well to focus your energy and attention on them.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a mission to get back to.”

She turned her back on the admirals and strode towards the back of the room with Garrus to wait for Tali.  While she was very grateful for the outcome, she was worried about the implications of what had just happened.  Were the Quarians really stupid enough to start a war with the Geth?  Now?  She sincerely hoped not, but she had a bad feeling about it.

She shook off the thoughts as she saw Tali approaching her.  

“Shepard, I don’t even know how to thank you for that.”

“I meant every word I said in there, Tali.  You are the last person who deserves any of that.  And you’re my friend.  There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my friends.”

“Well, thank you.  Now, I’m ready to get out of here, how about you?”

“You sure?”

Tali nodded, and started walking back towards the Normandy.

“Absolutely.  You have an important mission that you need help with.  And you’re my friend.”

Shepard smiled and fell into step beside the quarian.

“Oh, and Shepard?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not worried about you and Cerberus anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because the Admiralty Board just tried to play a game with you and you made them look like children.”  

She gave a small laugh before continuing, “I can’t wait to see what you have in store the Illusive Man.”

 


	19. Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m alive! I am sooooo sorry for the delay in this chapter. I got this nasty flu bug that has been floating around and have been pretty much out of it for the last week. But I am finally starting to feel better, and wanted to get this posted ASAP. :)  
> Thanks so much to everyone who is still reading and leaving comments/kudos!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard sat in her quarters, going over all the information they had gathered so far and trying to decide what to do next.  She’d been busy taking care of unfinished business for members of her crew and taking on small missions in between.  She’d even had a chance to catch up with Wrex while on Tuchanka.  It looked like things had really worked out for her old krogan friend.

Most loose ends had been taken care of, and it was starting to feel like it was time to go get the IFF and head through the Omega 4 Relay.  But she needed to make sure she wasn’t missing anything.  She had a feeling that getting the IFF wasn’t going to be a simple mission and wanted to be prepared.  

As she was reading, she heard a beep from her omni-tool indicating she had a new message.  Pulling it up, she saw it was from Cerberus.  She read through it quickly, considering her options as she went.  It was another diversion, but she knew how important it was to one person in particular.  The one person who had done a favor for her that she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to repay.

When Liara had first told her that she had been the one to recover Shepard’s body and hand it over to Cerberus, her first reaction had been anger.  But she quickly realized that she had been given something that no one ever did: a second chance at life.  For that reason alone, her anger had faded almost as soon as she had felt it.  

_“Why didn’t you tell me when we talked earlier, Liara?”_

_“I was afraid that you would be angry with me, Shepard.  I know what Cerberus did to your unit on Akuze, and I remembered everything we saw.”_

_“Then why did you do it?”_

_“For many reasons, mostly selfish ones.  The biggest was that I just couldn’t let you go.  I know that I misread things two years ago-you helped me realize that.  But once I got past that, I realized that you had been the best friend that I had known in all my many years.  Also, I knew-I know that the Reapers are still coming.  And I don’t want to face them without you.  I need you, and the galaxy needs you.”_

_“Liara, I’m not mad.  I’m incredibly grateful and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you.”_

Coming back to the present, Shepard called Joker and had him set a course for Illium.  Hopefully, the information she held in her hand would erase at least a portion of the huge debt she owed her friend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sitting in Liara’s office, Shepard watched the asari’s face as she read through the information from Cerberus.  She still couldn’t get over the person Liara had become.  While all of her former companions had changed in the two years that she’d been gone, Liara had gone through the most dramatic transformation.  She supposed that it made sense if she really thought about it.  Liara went through some fairly significant changes while aboard the Normandy.  She had been plucked from a life of quiet solitude on archeological digs and placed right into a world of action and violence, witnessing her mother’s death along the way.

Add in the fact that she had been considered barely out of adolescence by asari standards, and it shouldn’t be a surprise she had changed so much.  And as Liara explained to her everything she had gone through to recover her body from the Shadow Broker, Shepard realized that that experience may have changed her more than anything else.  She could see the asari forming a plan in her mind as she went over the information.  She wanted to help, she _needed_ to help.  She said as much and they agreed to meet later at Liara’s apartment.

But when Shepard arrived there that afternoon, she found a police unit, a Spectre and no sign of Liara.  The police were dispatched of quickly, leaving her and her fellow Spectre, Tela Vasir, alone to investigate what had happened.  She couldn’t really put her finger on it, but something about Vasir rubbed her the wrong way.  But shots had been fired and her friend was missing, so Shepard would take the help.  For now.  

They worked together to look over the apartment.  Shepard was touched at the mementos that Liara had scattered around her apartment.  Even though they had been fighting against a rogue Spectre working with a powerful and ancient alien, things had seemed so much simpler aboard the original Normandy.  She knew who her enemies were and she knew who her friends were.  Feeling nostalgic, she picked up a picture of the ship that was sitting on Liara’s nightstand.  She was surprised when the image switched over to a Prothean dig site, but she quickly realized it was a clue from Liara.  They found a data disc under a Prothean relic, and it lead them to the Dracon Trade Center.

They arrived just in time to watch a bomb take out multiple floors of the building.

“If I wasn’t so worried about Liara, I would make a smart comment about her inheriting your ability to find trouble everywhere you go.”

Shepard didn’t comment but made a rude gesture towards Garrus before turning to Vasir.  The other Spectre decided to take her car to the roof and work down, while Shepard and her team worked from the ground floor up.  They fought through several teams of the Shadow Broker’s mercenaries before finally arriving in the office of Liara’s associate, Sekat.  The salarian was dead, and Shepard arrived just in time to see Vasir shoot the mercenary responsible.  There was no sign of Liara.  At least right away.  

But when Liara emerged from behind her, pointing her weapon at the other asari, Shepard didn’t hesitate.  She pulled her own weapon and pointed it at Vasir, asking, “Something I should know, Liara?”

Liara explained that Vasir was working with the Shadow Broker and had, in fact, been the one to try and kill her.  Vasir predictably tried to make a run for it.  After a fall through a window to the courtyard below, a skycar chase, and a romp through a very _interesting_ hotel, they finally caught up with her.

It was a tough battle.  Vasir was a Spectre after all.  They were able to dispatch of her backup easily enough.  And between her and Liara’s biotics, they were able to slowly break down her barriers and armor.  Finally, Shepard withdrew her shotgun and closed in on Vasir with her charge, firing as soon as she came out of it.  The other Spectre fell back against the wall behind her and slowly slid to the ground.  Shepard could tell she was just barely conscious.  She watched, shocked, as Liara walked over to Vasir and retrieved a data disc from her before simply turning and walking away.  Shepard stayed with her.  Vasir slowly slipped away, but not before trying to justify her actions and comparing herself working with the Shadow Broker to Shepard working with Cerberus.  She pretended it didn’t bother her, but the truth was, it did.  Was it the same?  Was she betraying everything she stood for by accepting Cerberus’ help, even just for a bit?

Shaking off the negative thoughts, she quickly got up and went after Liara.  She was frankly a little worried about the way the asari was behaving.  She seemed so focused on her goal that she didn’t care about anything or any _one_ else around her.  She had become a harder person over the last two years, out of experience and necessity, but this seemed like something else.  When she caught up with her, Liara immediately started going over the information and telling Shepard her plan for going after the Shadow Broker and rescuing Feron.  Shepard stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

“Liara!  Take just one second and breathe.  I promise you, we’ll find him.”

“I know.  You’re here to help.  Just like always.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Liara shook her head, “You wouldn’t understand.  Not Commander Shepard.”

“You’re wrong about that, Liara.  But you are also selling yourself short.  You always held your own aboard the Normandy, and you impressed me many times.  You also need to remember everything you’ve accomplished _on your own_ since Alchera.  And the biggest thing to remember is that I wouldn’t be standing here right now if it weren’t for you.”

Liara just looked at her for a second and then took off, talking again about her plans for assaulting the Shadow Broker’s base as she went.  Obviously, she was not going to be able to focus on anything else until they finished this.  Shaking her head, Shepard took off after her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They had found and boarded the Shadow Broker’s base of operations above Hagalaz, which happened to be a ship modified so that it could hide in the massive and violent storms constantly circling the planet.  Shepard had a sneaking suspicion that Garrus had actually _enjoyed_ the time it took them to fight across the surface of the ship to an access port, with the storm raging all around them and the planet far below.  She, however, would not be volunteering to do it again any time soon.  Once they had finally broken into the ship itself, they fought through several more squads of mercenaries before finding Feron restrained in what looked like some sort of doctor’s office from a horror vid.  When they tried to remove him, an electric current was sent through his body.  He informed them that they needed to get into the central chamber to turn the power off.  This was conveniently where the Broker himself was located.

That had been a half hour ago.  Now, Shepard stood toe-to-toe with the biggest, ugliest, and _meanest_ being she had ever seen.  Liara had said he was yahg, whatever the hell _that_ was.  All she knew was that he was a tough son-of-a-bitch.  He had already taken Garrus down and she and Liara had been dodging his attacks and trying to get in some of their own for the last twenty minutes.  Shepard was _tired_ , and his shields were really starting to piss her off.  Liara had apparently come up with a plan, but it had called for Shepard to get close to him.  She had used her charge to close the distance, bringing up her barriers at the end.  After punching him in the face as hard as she could, she quickly ran out of the way while he raised his shield again.  At that moment, Liara used her biotics to break the capacitor above his head, sending the stored up energy onto the Shadow Broker standing directly below.  Shepard watched as it reacted with his shield, causing an explosion that sent her flying backwards.  When she looked back, the Shadow Broker was gone, and Liara was walking towards her.  The asari reached down and helped her to her feet.  They stared at each other, trying to catch their breath.  Shepard caught movement out of the corner of her eye and walked over to where Garrus had regained consciousness, helping him to his feet.  

She heard voices from the far end of the room and looked to see Liara standing in front of a wall of monitors.  What seemed to be various agents of the Shadow Broker were trying to report in after power had been cut off.  Shepard watched as Liara looked at the monitors, taking it all in before squaring her shoulders and stepping forward to push a button.

“This is the Shadow Broker.  The situation is under control.  We experienced a power fluctuation while upgrading hardware.  It disrupted communications momentarily.  However, we are now back online.  Resume standard procedures.  I want a status report on all operations within the next solar day.  Shadow Broker out.”

Shepard just stared in shock, trying to process what was happening.  She looked at Garrus and he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.  She saw Feron come in from the back of the room and slowly walk towards Liara.

“Goddess of oceans…It’s you.  You...how?”

“Well, everyone who’s ever seen him in person is dead, so…”

Shepard finally understood what she was doing, just as Feron said, “You’re the new Shadow Broker.”

Shepard stepped towards her friend, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Liara, I can see the benefits of this.  But it’s also a big risk.  Are you certain this is what you want to do?”

The asari didn’t hesitate before nodding and saying, “Yes, absolutely.  I am already a very good information broker.  With the current network in place here, I can find all kinds of helpful information for you on the Collectors and Reapers.  This is exactly where I need to be.”

She seemed certain when she said it, but there was something in her eyes that gave Shepard pause.  Feron seemed to have seen it too.  With a meaningful glance towards Shepard, he made an excuse about checking some power systems and left the room with Garrus in tow.  She watched them leave and then turned back towards Liara, only to see her with her head in her hands, softly crying.

“You okay?”

“I just can’t believe it’s finally over.  I have spent the last two years going after the Shadow Broker, and he is finally dead.  And I’m taking his place.  I know it’s the right move, but it’s just a lot to take in.”

“Of course it is.  You’ve had a single focus for the last two years, and now it’s gone.  But I have complete faith in you, Liara.  If anyone can handle all of this, it’s you.” She waved her hand towards the wall of monitors.  “Digging through all of that to find the important pieces.  You know I’m going to be leaning on you pretty heavily for information from now on.”

Liara smiled and said, “Good.  Then maybe we will finally be even for all those times you helped me out.”

Shepard wrapped her arms around her friend, hugging her as she said, “We will never be even.  I will always owe you more than I can ever repay.”

Liara pulled back and met her eyes before replying, “Just stop them Shepard.  If we find a way to stop the Reapers for good, all of this will have been worth it.”

“Agreed.”

  

 

* * *

 

 

When Shepard came back aboard the Normandy, she had a message from Admiral Hackett waiting for her.  It was short and somewhat cryptic, but she assumed he didn’t want Cerberus to know whatever it was that he needed to tell her.

_To: Commander Killiane Shepard_

_From: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_Meet me in Councilor Anerderson’s office tomorrow at 1400.  I have an urgent matter to discuss with you and a couple of favors to ask.  Please come alone._

_-Hackett_

 


	20. Hackett

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I started writing Hackett’s chapter. And kept writing. And writing. I guess I should have given him a chapter earlier. Anyways, I’ve decided to break it down into two chapters-I’m thinking it will end up long enough. :-/  
> I’m hoping to keep to an update schedule of every Thursday from here on out. We’re closing in on the end of ME2, so yay! That also means we are very close to the arrival of that pole-dancer from Omega, Jimmy Vega. Oh….wait.  
> Thank you to everyone for continuing to read. I appreciate all the feedback (in all it’s forms) that I receive. You guys are so awesome! :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard arrived Anderson’s office the next day to find him in a heated discussion with Admiral Hackett.  The councilor appeared to be angry with the admiral, but she couldn't hear what they were talking about. Standing on the balcony on the other side of the room, their conversation immediately stopped when they spotted her enter the room.  The two men shared a look that she couldn’t even begin to decipher and then Anderson walked towards her.

Embracing her briefly, he whispered softly, “He won’t tell me what this is about and that worries me.  Just remember, they haven’t officially reinstated you yet.  You don’t _have_ to do anything.”

When she pulled back, she was surprised at the concern in his eyes.  She also saw the resignation.  He knew her well, and he knew that if the Alliance asked something of her, she would find it hard to refuse.  He sighed.

“Just be careful, Shepard.”

“Of course.”

With that, he turned and walked out of his office, leaving Hackett and Shepard to talk alone.  She could feel Hackett’s gaze on her as she walked over towards where he stood on the balcony.

She saluted him, saying, "You wanted to see me, Admiral?”

He nodded and said, “At ease, Commander.”  He met her eyes, really studying them before he continued.

“How are you, Shepard?  Really?”

“Okay, Sir, considering the circumstances.  Anxious to finish this mission and get back where I belong.  Working with Cerberus makes my skin crawl.”

“We’re anxious for that, too.  I hope you know that we understand that you have little choice and don’t hold it against you.”

“Thank you, Sir.”  She hesitated before asking, “Can I ask you a question, Sir?”

He nodded.

“Why _isn’t_ the Alliance doing anything?”

“You’ve been around long enough to know the answer to that, Commander.”

“Yes, I understand that our place on the Council, our acceptance into the community here is still new and precarious.  Politically, we can’t _officially_ take any action the Council wouldn’t approve of.  But what about unofficially?  Is anything being done?”

He regarded her carefully before he answered.  “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.  There are a few very _unofficial_ actions being taken regarding the Reapers.”

At her questioning look he added, “We feel confident that you will take care of the Collector problem.  And we both know the bigger threat, and the ones pulling all the strings, are the Reapers.  So we have a couple of avenues we are looking into.  Completely off the record, of course.  And this is where my favor comes in…”

Shepard listened as he explained that a deep cover operative, Dr. Amanda Kenson, had been working in batarian space.  She had sent word of a discovery pointing towards a Reaper invasion in the very near future, before being discovered by the batarians.  She was being held in a prison on Aratoht, having been charged with terrorism.  Hackett wanted Shepard to sneak into the prison alone and break Kenson out.  She understood that she needed to go alone, and quietly, to avoid an incident between the Alliance and the Hegemony.  

Shepard didn’t need to think about it for very long before she agreed to go.  If what Dr. Kenson had reported before being arrested was true, they needed to stop it as soon as possible.  And if she had _proof_ of the Reapers existence, something that the Alliance and the Council couldn’t ignore, then maybe they could all finally start working towards the same goal.  She got what details she could from Hackett and then turned to leave.  She was almost to the door when she remembered what his message had said.

Turning back towards him, she asked, “Sir?  Your message said that you had a couple of favors to ask of me.  What is the other one?”

He regarded her for a second before shaking his head and saying, “We can talk about it when you report back on Kenson.  Getting her and any evidence she has back safe should be our top priority right now.”

Shepard simply nodded, saluted and left.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Admiral Hackett stood and watched Shepard leave with a heavy heart.  He had noticed the dark circles under her eyes, and knew that her alliance with Cerberus was taking it’s toll on her.  He wished that he could help her out of that situation, but instead he had saddled her with even more responsibility.  He knew sending her alone into batarian space was incredibly risky, but his gut told him that the information they stood to lose with Kenson was vitally important to stopping the Reapers.  After more than thirty years in the military, he had learned to trust his instincts.  And they had also told him that Shepard was not only one of the few who could handle the mission, but she was the only one of those who truly understood the importance.

He knew that Anderson was angry with him for putting her in that position.  The Councilor also had very good instincts and  even without knowing the details of the mission, he had known how dangerous it was.  Hackett regretted not being able to tell him more about it, but if the whole thing went south, Anderson needed full deniability.  He knew his friend was less than thrilled in his current position.  Hell, he couldn’t blame him-he would hate it too.  But Shepard had been right, and Anderson was the right man for the job.  At least, at that time.  Hackett had a sneaking suspicion that he wouldn’t be in it for much longer.  With a massive war on the horizon, David Anderson was not one to sit on the sidelines.  In anticipation, he had already set certain wheels in motion.  When Anderson did come back to the Alliance, he would be surprised to find himself an Admiral.  It was well-deserved, and in Hackett’s opinion, long overdue.

His thoughts were interrupted when the man himself came through the door of his office.  He strode over to where the admiral stood and joined him, looking out over the Presidium.

“So she agreed to you mission.”

It wasn’t a question and Hackett didn’t treat it as one.

“I know you don’t like it.  Frankly, I don’t either, but we don’t have a lot of options.  She’s the only one I trust with this.”

The man next to him snorted before saying, “She’s always the ‘best person for the job’, the ‘only one who can do it’.  Maybe we need to recruit some better people.”

“You know as well as I do that there is no one else like her.  They broke the mold when they made her.”  Hackett sighed before continuing, “David, I care about her as much as you do, you know.  But, the problem is that if the Reapers show up and we aren’t prepared, nothing else will matter.  We _will_ be annihilated.  You know that as well as I do.”

“I do know that.  I just wish that you could tell me more about this mission.  I'd feel better if I had some clue what she was up against."

"No you wouldn't.  And as I've already said, I can't and won't tell you.  As a councilor, you can't be involved in this at all."

"I never wanted to be a councilor."

"I know.  But you also know you've done some good while you've been there."

"Ah hell, Steven.  I still don’t like it.  Any of it.  But there are only a few people in the galaxy I’d follow into hell if asked, and you’re one of them.  I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

Hackett met the other man’s eyes and said, “Me too, David.  Me too.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Three days later, the admiral was sitting in his office on Arcturus, looking over reports, though he comprehended very little of them.  He had not heard a word from Shepard since she had left Anderson’s office, and he was starting to get worried.  If it took her three days to break into a prison and rescue the doctor, something had gone wrong.  He had kept an ear to the ground, hoping to hear any rumblings coming from batarian space.  He took a small comfort in the fact that he hadn’t heard anything.  If Shepard had somehow got caught or killed, he had a feeling that Hegemony would be quick to disclose that.  On the other hand, if someone had broken into one of their prisons and escaped with a prisoner, they would want to keep that covered up.  But then, what was keeping her silent?  Why had he heard nothing from either her or Kenson?

Suddenly, his omni-tool lit up.  He was getting several messages at once.  He scanned through them, making a quick decision.  He called his assistant and had him make sure his ship was ready to leave immediately.  Then he pulled up the last message and sent a quick reply.

_To: Councilor David Anderson_

_From: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_Subj: Re: Bahak System gone_

_I’m on my way to her now.  I’ll let you know the minute I know anything.  That was NOT the mission._

_Councilor David Anderson wrote:_

_Steven, what the hell!?  I need answers.  Now._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard didn’t look at anyone.  She went straight from the shuttle up to her quarters.  Miranda was paging her, Dr. Chakwas was paging her, but she didn’t want to speak to anyone yet.  Stripping down, she stepped into the shower and proceeded to rub her skin raw.  As if she could somehow cleanse herself of everything that had just happened.  She had put off the Reaper invasion for just a bit longer, but at what cost?  An entire system.  Hundreds of thousands of lives.  The batarians would think she was a monster, and who was to say they would be wrong?  She certainly _felt_ like a monster.  It had been her decision, her push of the button that had sent that asteroid into the relay, causing the destruction of the system.

She knew it had been the right call.  But it was certainly not an easy one-to make or to live with.  Sighing, she turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.  After changing into casual clothes, she sat on the couch to write up her report.  Everyone was going to want answers, and she knew what she would be facing.  She had no illusions that she would just be able to walk away from this.  She just hoped that in the end those sacrifices would be worth it, and that they had bought them enough time to prepare.

Finished her report and leaned back, closing her eyes.  The weight of the past three days caught up with her, and she was asleep within minutes.  It didn’t take long for the nightmares to start.  Unending fleets of Reapers alternated with Batarian children screaming as the world around them exploded.  She watched it all from the side, a helpless spectator to the end of billions of lives.  She watched in horror as husks bearing the faces of her friends and family came streaming towards her.  Though she had never heard a husk speak in real life, these dream versions were all yelling her name as they reached their hands towards her.  One wearing her mother’s face gripped her shoulders tightly and started to violently shake her.

“Shepard!”

Suddenly opening her eyes, she was surprised to see Dr. Chakwas standing over her with a concerned look on her face.

“Shepard, are you okay?”

Sitting up and rubbing her face, she answered.

“I don’t know, doc.  I just don’t know.  How’d you get in here anyway?  I’m sure I locked the door.”

“EDI reported that you were in distress, so I ordered her to override the lock and let me in.”  The doctor looked at Shepard, concern clearly evident in her eyes.  “You were screaming and thrashing when I came in.  What happened?”

“Long story short?  I broke a secret Alliance agent out of a batarian prison, only to find out she was indoctrinated by a Reaper artifact when she locked me in a room with said artifact and tried to kill me.  Then I crashed an asteroid into a relay, causing the destruction of an entire system and killing every living soul there.  But I had to.  Because the Reapers were hours away from coming through that relay and wiping out all life in the galaxy.”  She gave a short, harsh laugh.  “Glad you asked?”

“Shepard, listen to me carefully.”  Dr. Chakwas spoke softly.  “I know you and if you say the destruction of that relay was necessary, then it absolutely was.  Right now, what I’d like to do is get you down to the medical bay so I can check you over.  You said you were locked in a room with that artifact, and I just want to make sure there are no lasting effects.  Okay?”

Too exhausted to argue, Shepard simply nodded and allowed the doctor to lead her to the elevator and down to the crew deck.  Once there, she sat on one of the exam tables while Dr. Chakwas ran multiple scans.  Finally, the doctor set her equipment down and stepped back.

“Everything checks out okay, Shepard.  But I am concerned about your obvious lack of any real rest.  I’d like to give you a mild sedative.”  She held up her hand when Shepard immediately started to protest.  “No.  My hope is that it will allow you to get some real sleep, without any nightmares.  I’ll only give you enough to get a proper rest.  I know you’ll just refuse any more than that.  Just that much to put my mind at ease.  Can you do that?”

Shepard narrowed her eyes before replying, “You do guilt well.  No wonder my subconscious confused you with my mother.”

“What?”

“Never mind.  Just get it over with doc.”

Dr. Chakwas gave her the injection and she curled up on the table, drifting off into uninterrupted sleep for the first time since she had woken on Lazarus Station.

 


	21. Hackett

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, this could almost have been THREE chapters. I guess Hackett had a lot to say. Yikes. The next chapter will (probably) be a little shorter because, honestly, I wasn’t planning on it. I was planning on Hackett taking the timeline a little further, but...my characters aren’t very good at cooperating. (Are they ever?)  
> So yes, this chapter does (and the last chapter did) go away just a bit from how things happened in-game, but I never felt like it made much sense, so...there ya go. While I believe that Hackett fully trusts Shepard, I don’t think he has any illusions as to Cerberus and their true motivations. He never struck me as a stupid man. So I don’t see him giving them anything relating to the Alliance (meaning he wouldn’t give her information about a top-secret mission over an unsecure channel on a Cerberus ship). As far as this chapter, I always thought the whole thing with the Normandy crash site was a little awkward. Plus, there is my whole back story that didn’t exist in the game. And this felt like a good point to bring it all to light. :)  
> As for his ship? I couldn’t find anywhere that it was ever named, so I made one up. Consensus seems to be that it is an Everest class dreadnaught, so I picked a random mountain name that wasn’t already being used. And I’m sure I’ve fudged the timeline a bit to fit in my backstory for Anderson and Hackett. I tried to make at least somewhat close-hopefully I did that. If anyone can see any glaring problems with it, let me know. If I can fix it and still make it work with my backstory, I will. Otherwise we’ll just blame it on the slight AU-ish part of the story. ;-)  
> And holy wow, look at at that author’s note! Maybe my wordiness isn’t entirely Hackett’s fault. Okay, chapter now.  
> Thanks as always for all your continuing support! I LOVE when I get a message about a new comment or kudos. :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

  

 

 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she finally woke up, but Shepard was pleasantly surprised to find that she actually felt well-rested.  Slowly sitting up, she looked over towards the door to see Dr. Chakwas standing and talking with a man in an Alliance uniform.  Blinking several times, she realized that it was Admiral Hackett.  The admiral of the Fifth Fleet, standing on a Cerberus vessel.  Well, wasn’t that interesting?  She sincerely hoped that he wasn’t here to take her back to the Alliance now.  She knew she would eventually have to answer for what happened with the Alpha Relay, but she needed to see this thing with the Collectors through first.

Chakwas and Hackett noticed she was awake at the same time.  The doctor said something softly to the admiral, placing a hand on his shoulder, before turning and leaving the medical bay.  Hackett made is way over to where Shepard was sitting.  She hopped to her feet and saluted him.

“Sir.”

“At ease, Commander.  How are you feeling?”

“Physically much better, sir.”

With a pointed look, he asked, “And mentally?”

She hesitated a bit before sighing and saying, “Struggling.  Did you read my report?”

“I did.  You didn’t have a choice.”

“Oh, but I did.  That’s exactly the problem.  I had to c _hoose_ to destroy that relay.  It was _my_ _choice_ that killed them.”

“That’s bullshit, Shepard, and you know it.”

She looked up at him, surprised to see an almost angry expression on his face.

“ _You_ did not cause the death of those batarians.  You know as well as I do that they would have been dead the minute the Reapers came through that relay anyways.  The choice you made _saved_ lives.  I know that’s hard to see right now, but there are billions of people still alive in this galaxy.  And even though they don’t know it, they are counting on us, on _you_ , to find a way to stop the reapers from destroying their lives.”

His expression softened.  “It’s a lot of pressure on you.  Too much for the average person.  You’ve never been average, but I think we sometimes forget that you _are_ human.”

Shepard snorted.  “Am I?  I’m not even sure about that anymore.”

Hackett’s eyes snapped towards her and he said, “I am.”

He turned thoughtful for a bit before continuing, “I wonder if I could steal you away from your ship for a bit?  Just a short trip and I’ll have you back here by tomorrow.”

“Is this related to your second favor?”

He nodded.  “Sort of.  I promise it won’t turn out like the last one.”

“Ha!  In that case, sure.  If the Illusive Man has a problem with it, he can kiss my ass.”

Hackett laughed.  “Good.  I’ll meet you at my shuttle in your hangar.”

After informing Miranda of her plans and packing an overnight bag, Shepard made her way towards the hangar.  She had been pleasantly surprised that her XO had not tried to talk her out of leaving.  Ever since they’d had their heart-to-heart, they had gotten along much better.  And after the debacle on Aite, Miranda even seemed to be questioning the Illusive Man’s motives.  Even if she stayed with Cerberus, she was no longer _blindly_ loyal, and that was all Shepard wanted.  She felt comfortable leaving Miranda in charge and sending her crew to take out a Blood Pack base in the Xe Cha system while she went off with the admiral.

As she approached Hackett’s shuttle, she was surprised to see him deep in conversation with both Joker and Dr. Chakwas.  They all wore serious expressions, and as she wandered over, she caught the tail end of their conversation.  The admiral seemed to be reassuring the other two.

“...take care of you.   _All_ of you.  I promise you that.  There _will_ be a place when you’re ready.”

"Thank you, Admiral.  It means a lot that you understand the reasons behind our decision and will stand up for us.”  Dr. Chakwas smiled as she saw Shepard.  “Well, the commander’s here so we won’t keep you any longer.”

She then completely surprised Shepard by giving her a brief hug, saying, “I think this is an excellent idea.  I don’t know why _I_ didn’t think of it.”

Shepard was even more confused when Joker then turned and saluted her before saying, “Have a good trip, Commander.  And say hello to her for me, okay?”

She just nodded without even knowing what she was agreeing to.  She could see a slightly amused expression on Hackett’s face as he watched her reaction.  As her pilot and her doctor made their way out of the hangar, Shepard and Hackett turned to board his shuttle.  It was a short ride to the SSV Tyree, and they rode in a comfortable silence.

Once they arrived, Hackett immediately showed Shepard to the visiting officer’s quarters to drop her bag, and then they made their way up to the CIC.  After giving his navigator a set of coordinates, he motioned for Shepard to follow him into the office he kept on the command deck.  He motioned for her to have seat and then took one himself.

"So, have you figured out where we're going yet?"

"Yes, but I haven't figured out why."

"Two reasons.  The first, the most important, is that I don't think you've had a chance to fully come to terms with everything.  You’ve never had a chance to mourn for the life you lost.  Even though you’re alive, sitting here right now, you _did_ die.  Then you came back, and everything was different.”  He paused, meeting her eyes before he continued.  “I think that visiting the spot where it happened would help you to bring you some sort of closure.  But if you decide you don’t want to, I won’t make you.  Even for the second reason.”

“Which is?”

“I’ve been sitting on a task for some time.  Almost two years, to be honest.  I haven’t found the right time or the right person to complete it.  I think that it’s because it was meant for you.  Sitting in my cargo hold is a monument to the lives lost that day, including yours.  It needs to be placed on Alchera, somewhere.  Also, twenty other marines lost their lives that day, and we’ve never been able to recover anything.  If you could find something, dog tags maybe, we could give their families some closure as well."

"Okay."

Hackett raised a brow at her. "Just like that?"

“You’re right.  It’s a good idea and something I need to do.  But...can I ask you something?  And get an honest answer?”

He looked at her in surprise before saying, “Okay.”

“What’s the _real_ reason this hasn’t been done yet?  There are several people who would have been the _right_ people, and plenty of _time_.  So something else was holding you back.  What was it?”

Shepard was grateful that he didn't immediately deny, but instead seemed to carefully consider what she had said.  Finally after several minutes of silence, he began to speak.

“Shortly after the First Contact War, I was a Commander with my own squad.  Things were still incredibly tense for us around the galaxy, and I was assigned several... _delicate_ missions. The details still remain top-secret, but one mission went wrong and only three of us walked away.  Those other two men and I formed a friendship that lasted many years, even though we all went our separate ways after that assignment."

“About twelve years later, one of those men called me.  By then I was a Rear Admiral in the Fifth Fleet, and he wanted a favor from me.  He had been among the first teams to set foot on a colony that had been hit by slavers.”

With a start, Shepard realized what he was saying.

“Mindoir,” she whispered.  “So, your friend was Commander Janowski?  And that must mean the other man was Councilor Anderson.”

Hackett nodded.  “When he called me that day, he told me about the young girl he had encountered.  The girl who had lost her entire family and had somehow survived.  He had been very impressed with the way you had handled yourself, both before he found you and after.  You had told him that you wanted to join the Alliance-do you remember that?”

“Yeah...I do.  God, I had forgotten it until now!  I told him that I was seventeen and that I wanted to join right then and there so that I could go avenge my family.  He explained to me why that wasn’t the answer, but he also promised to help me get into the Alliance.  But not until I turned eighteen.  He said I needed to put some time between what had happened that day and my military career so that I wasn’t doing it for the wrong reasons.  I...I thought he had just said that but...I should have realized.”  She looked up and met Hackett’s eyes.  “You.  You got me admitted into Drescher Academy for that year.  Because he asked you to.”

Hackett nodded again.  “I had to call in a few favors of my own, but yes.  You may not know this but the three of us followed your career very closely ever since then.  It wasn’t an accident when you ended up on his squad.  He was looking forward to being able to have a more direct role in shaping your future.”  She saw the sadness in his eyes when he said, “Unfortunately, it didn’t work out quite the way we wanted.”

“I didn’t even remember he was the same person.  Not until it was too late.  This is all so crazy.  I was only told that an anonymous donor had made my admittance possible, and that this anonymous person would also be legally responsible for me until I turned eighteen.  I thought it was a little strange.  I just figured it was someone who felt sorry for me but didn’t really want the responsibility of being too involved.  That is clearly not the case.  Why didn’t any of you ever tell me?”

“At first, Leon just thought it was best.  He thought you wouldn’t react well to someone trying to be an actual parent-type presence in your life so soon after losing your family.  His plan was to give you time to adjust and then reveal himself.  It was obvious very early on that you had a large amount of natural skill and charisma, and that you would go far in the Alliance.  We decided that we didn’t want our actions to overshadow your accomplishments.  To make you, or anyone else, think that they didn’t mean as much because of it.  I want to be clear about this.  Over the years, we have made sure that you were on the right path, but you have _never_ been given anything that you didn’t earn.”

“I know that.  But I have always thought how lucky I was to have been in the right places at the right time.”  

The green in her eyes became more evident as she said with a grin, “I guess I just had three fairy-godfathers looking over me and never knew it.”

Hackett laughed.  “I suppose that’s one way to look at it.”

His expression then became serious as he continued, “None of us had any children, Shepard.  I think, even from a distance, over the years we all became...attached.  We were all proud of everything you did.  And when…when the Normandy was lost, David and I felt like we had failed in protecting you.  In carrying out what Leon had wanted for you.  He doesn’t think I felt it as deeply as he did, but I’m just better at hiding it.  I always meant to place that monument myself.  But in doing so, I would have had to face my failure.  And I couldn’t find the courage to do that.”

Shepard had tears in her eyes when she finally spoke.

“You didn’t, not even a little bit, ever _fail_.  You’ve been in the military a long time.  You know that sometimes these things just happen, no matter what we do.  As for everything else...thank you.  I don’t really know what else to say.  I’ve had friends over the years, people I’ve been close to.  But I haven't felt like I had a family since Mindoir.”  She smiled.  “It’s nice to know that I had one, even if I didn’t know it at the time.”

“Yes, well.  Now you _do_ know, so be careful out there.”  He gave a short laugh.  “What am I saying?  You are going to keep doing what you do, no matter what anyone else says.”

“My mother always said I was the most stubborn person she ever met.  And just so you know, it’s never my _intention_ , but things do seem to just explode around me.”  She dropped her gaze and said softly, “Like the Bahak System.”

“I’ll say it again, Shepard.  That wasn’t your fault.”

“I know.  I _do_ , but I’ll still have to answer for it.  Won’t I?”

She was again grateful that he didn’t try to deny what she was saying and just met her eyes.

“Yes.  I’ll get with Anderson and we’ll try to work something out.  Something tells me he won’t be Councilor much longer, and he’ll be back with the Alliance.  I won’t lie to you.  It’s not going to be pleasant, no matter what.  The batarians will want blood, and we’ll have to do what we can to keep us out of a war with them.  We can’t afford that with the Reapers on our doorstep.  You’ll probably have to come to Vancouver and stand trial, but we’ll make sure it waits until you’re done with your current mission.”

Shepard nodded, “Thanks, that’s what I was hopping.  It should be over soon.  I have one more thing to do before I head through the Omega 4 Relay.  If I make it back in one piece, I’ll turn myself and the Normandy in to the Alliance.”

He gave her a pointed look and said, “ _When_ , not if.  And give me a call first.  I’ll get things in place to make the transition as painless as possible.”

“Yes, sir.”  She smirked.  “ _Dad_.”

She burst out laughing at the expression on his face.

“I _am_ still your superior officer, Shepard.”  He tried to sound stern but the twinkle in his eye gave him away.

They sat in silence for a bit before his pilot broke came over the comm to let them know they had arrived in the Amada System.  Shepard looked towards Hackett.

“Will you come with me?  At least on the shuttle?”

“Of course.  Whatever you want.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Since it was just beginning to get dark at the crash site when they arrived, they waited until the next morning to head down to Alchera.  Shepard sat in silence the entire ride down in the shuttle.  Hackett watched her carefully, and he could see that she was struggling with her emotions.  Not that he could blame her.  He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like to visit the site of your own death.  It was hard enough when it was someone you cared about.

They had talked most of the night about their newly defined relationship.  He knew that she would still treat him as the Fleet Admiral he was-at least most of the time.  She didn’t seem to have a problem teasing him from time-to-time.  But only when his crew was not around.  He smiled as he thought about it.  She was still a marine to the bone, and he was damn proud.

Now that the actions that Leon, David and himself had taken were out in the open, he was grateful that she seemed to have taken it so well.  It certainly could have gone differently.  He was sure it was strange for her-having people in her life that had acted as father-figures, completely without her knowledge.  He only hoped that they would have time to really work it all out.  The Reapers were coming, and he knew the odds were not in their favor.

But he also knew that if anyone could turn that around, it was the woman sitting across from him.  No matter what happened, he would always be proud of her.  She had a quality about her, something that was hard to define, but something that made people willing to follow her anywhere.  And even among the top officers in the Alliance, few people could match her strategic skills.  Finally the shuttle touched down, and he was pulled from his thoughts.

“You ready for this?”

She nodded at him and said, “Yeah, I think so.”

“Do you want me to come with you or wait in the shuttle?”

She considered very briefly before replying, “I think I’d rather go myself.  At least to start.”

He nodded and took seat.  He watched as she put her gear on and walked towards the shuttle door.  She hesitated.  Looking over her shoulder, she met his eyes.  He saw her square her shoulders and then nod at him before turning back and walking out the door.  She was gone for quite some time.  He would have been worried if he didn’t periodically reach out to her over the radio.  She always responded-sometimes just a short acknowledgement, and sometimes she would explain what she was seeing.  Every time he could hear the emotion in her voice.

It was about two hours after she had left the shuttle when he reached out and she didn’t respond.  He tried several times, but nothing.  He put his gear on and headed out the door.  Pulling up his omni-tool, he located her signal.  She was not moving, so he quickly made his way to her location.  He found her standing in what looked like wreckage from the CIC.  She was holding a datapad in her hand and just staring at it.  Walking up behind her, he put a hand on her shoulder.

“Shepard?”

She turned towards him and he could see the tears streaming down her face.

“They all died here.  All these people, including me.  But _I_ came back.  Why did I come back?  What makes _me_ so fucking special?”

“Everything.”

“What?”

“Everything about you.  I’ve thought about this quite a bit recently, and I’m not sure it’s something I can really explain.  But everyone who’s ever met you can knows it, can feel it.  You _are_ special.  There is no one else like you in the galaxy.  And we need you.  I may not agree with Cerberus on anything else, but I do agree with them on that.  I’m sorry that you have to bear that weight, but I’m so, _so_ proud of you for doing it.”

She didn’t reply, but she had stopped crying.  She grabbed his hand and led him away.  They walked for a bit, past several other pieces of wreckage, before she finally stopped.  She let go of his hand and turned towards him.  He could see a piece of the outer hull behind her, the name “Normandy” still visible after all this time.

“Here.”

“Pardon?”

“This is where the monument should go.  Here it can be a monument not only to every single life lost that day, but a sign of hope, of rising from the ashes.  Because the Normandy rose again.  I rose again.  There is a war coming our way.  And their will be much more death and destruction.  But we will make it through.  And we will _all_ rise again.”

And there it was.  That courage that Leon had seen all those years ago in a young girl hiding in a barn.  The inspiration that all of her former teammates had spoke of.  The resolve that had impressed David enough to back her as a Spectre candidate.  The _enigma_ that was Commander Kiliane Shepard.  

He simply smiled and said, “Here.”

They went together to retrieve the monument from the shuttle and put it in it’s new home.  After sharing a moment of silence, they made their way back to shuttle and back to the SSV Tyree.  It was a short trip back to where they were to meet up with the Normandy.  

They stood in the hangar as she was getting ready to leave.  

“Shepard, be careful.  I know that if anyone can go through the Omega 4 Relay and come back, it’s you.  But no unnecessary risks.  Just do what you need to and get out.”

“Of course, Sir.”

“And if you get a chance, drop Anderson a line.  He’s not going to take my word for it that you’re okay after everything.”

Laughing, Shepard nodded.

“Will do.”

They stared at each other for a few long seconds before she saluted, turned and walked away.  As he watched the shuttle leave that would take her back to the Normandy, he pulled out his omni-tool and sent a quick message.

_David,_

_Our girl will be okay.  You and I have a lot to talk about.  It may be time for you to make that move you’ve been considering._

_-Steven_


	22. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes, I am a liar. I give up trying to predict how my chapters are going to be until I finish them. :)  
> So, this brings us to the end of ME2. Yay! Next chapter should be a bridge chapter between ME2 and ME3. Should. LOL. Also, guess who will be making his first appearance? ;-)  
> I love your comments-keep them coming! Thanks for all the new kudos as well! I still get a silly grin on my face every time I get a notification.  
> As always, BioWare owns all. It’s just impossible for me to leave it alone. Seriously. Not even close to possible.

 

* * *

  

 

 

Councilor Anderson received the message from Hackett and immediately started making calls.  The first thing he did was book passage to Arcturus, and the second was to call a meeting with the rest of the council.  He informed them of his plans to resign as humanity's councilor, and they all agreed that Udina would be offered the position in his stead.  While he didn’t personally _like_ the man, he _was_ a good advocate for humanity.  And they would definitely need that in the coming months.  Even without talking to Hackett, he knew what was coming.  He knew that there were very few things that would make Shepard take such drastic action as to destroy a relay _and_ have Hackett encouraging him to make a move.

After calling Udina and giving him the news, he quickly packed up his office.  Once he had everything in a box, he gave one last look around the room and then walked out the door.  He then made his way to his apartment on the Silversun Strip and started pulling things into his bag.  He looked around, thinking of all the memories that had been made here, but ready to move on.  He would never be the type of person to play politician while a war raged around him.  After one last sweep of the apartment, he left and headed towards the docks.  He had booked the soonest flight he could to Arcturus, and he arrived just before last boarding call.

Slipping into his seat, he looked down as his omni-tool beeped.  As he began to read the message, a huge grin spread across his face.

 

_To: Councilor David Anderson_

_From:  Commander Kiliane Shepard_

_Dad #2,_

_Oh good lord, I can’t even type that with a straight face._

_Anyways, as I’m sure you’ve probably guessed, I’ve had a long chat with our favorite admiral, and he’s explained some things to me.  I just want to say thanks for everything.  I wish you guys would have told me sooner, but I get why you didn’t._

_So, he also said I should write you to assure you I’m okay because you wouldn't take his word for it.  (Good call, by the way.)  I’m okay.  Or, as okay as I can be after what happened.  He’ll explain it all to you, but I had a good reason.  I still wish I hadn’t had to do it._

_I’m getting ready to go and board a derelict reaper to retrieve an IFF that should hopefully get us through the Omega 4 Relay.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  I’m thinking it too, but it’s our only option._

_I’ll keep you both posted on what happens from here on out._

_-Shepard_

_P.S.  I know that I’ll have to stand trial for what happened, and I get it.  But can you guys try to work out something for Dr. Chakwas and Joker?  They don’t deserve to be caught up in my fallout.  There are also a couple of former Alliance engineers with me: Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels.  See what you can do for them?  Please?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard sat down on the couch in her quarters, completely exhausted.  They had acquired the IFF, but it hadn’t been easy.  The Cerberus crew that had been aboard the derelict reaper had been indoctrinated, and they’d had to fight through waves of husks and scions to get to the information.  After they destroyed the core to drop the barriers, they’d had to count on another spectacular example of flying from Joker to get them out before the whole thing crashed into the planet below.  It had been absolute pandemonium at the end, with husks crawling out from every corner of the vessel.

And then there was the geth.  The geth that had somehow known her name and _saved_ them by sniping husks.  The geth that was now part of her team.  Tali wasn’t speaking to her, but she knew the quarian would eventually come around.  Hell, she was still coming around to the idea herself.  Apparently, the geth that she had fought against during her chase after Saren had been a fringe group, called _heretics_ by other geth.  Supposedly, the _true_ Geth were interested in joining up with her to fight against the Reapers.  On top of all that, the heretics had written a virus that, when introduced to the Geth, would basically brainwash them into following the Reapers.  And Legion, the geth that currently sat in her AI core, wanted her help by going to the heretic base and wiping it out before it could be distributed.  It was a lot for anyone to wrap their head around.

So, yes, she was completely exhausted, but she knew rest wouldn’t be coming anytime soon.  They were currently en route to the Phoenix Massing, where the Heretic base was hidden.  That would be their last stop before heading through the Omega 4 Relay.  Joker and EDI were working on getting the IFF installed and working with their systems.  This was it.  She was ready to finish this mission, and she knew her team was as well.

A beep from her omni-tool interrupted her thoughts and indicated she had an incoming message.  It was from Anderson.

 

_To: Commander Kiliane Shepard_

_From: Admiral David Anderson_

_Shepard,_

_Yes, you read that right.  Admiral. I tendered my resignation as Councilor, and the Alliance has welcomed me back with a promotion.  I have a sneaking suspicion that our_ second-favorite _admiral had a lot to do with that.  Doesn’t matter.  I’m back where I need to be exactly_ when _I need to be there.  Hopefully, between the two of us, we can pull enough strings to help make your trial go smoothly.  And don’t worry about the rest of your crew.  Anyone who wants to come back will be welcomed into the Alliance.  I can’t guarantee it will be 100% smooth, but we’ll work it out._

_I hope this finds you still on this side of the Omega 4 Relay.  Be careful out there, Shepard.  We have a lot to talk about when you make it back.  Hackett told me that you know everything now.  I’m glad.  I hope you know that we didn’t keep it from you for any reason other than to protect you.  In fact, I’ve been trying to think of a way to tell you the last couple of times I saw you.  People aren’t usually given second chances like we were.  I have regretted every day of the last two years that I didn’t tell you how incredibly proud I am of everything you’ve accomplished.  I know that you’re our best hope when it comes to the Reapers.  I know it, but I don’t like it.  My biggest fear is that the cost of saving the galaxy will be the sacrifice of those, like you, who represent the best of us._

_I know it might seem odd.  After all, all we did was pay your tuition and sign a few legal documents for you.  But you’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a daughter.  I just don’t want to leave anything unsaid this time, even though I_ know _you’ll come back through that relay.  You know that even if the Collectors are taken care of, the bigger threat is still on it’s way.  And I know you.  I know you can’t leave that for someone else to deal with._

_You bought us some time when you destroyed the relay, but probably not much.  We'll do everything we can from our end to be as prepared as possible, but we’ll need you.  You're the one with the most experience with the Reapers.  You spoke with Sovereign and defeated him.  We need that perspective when they finally get here._

_I guess what I’m trying to say is that not all of my reasons for wanting you to be careful when you go through that relay are selfish ones.  Get the job done like I know you can and then come back home._

_-Anderson_

 

Shepard smiled to herself as she finished reading.  She was glad he was back with the Alliance and with a promotion to boot.  He deserved it.  She knew he hadn’t been happy when she’d nominated him to the Council, but he'd done a good job in his time there.  She didn't have much time before they would reach the Heretic station, so she quickly typed up a reply and sent it to both him and Hackett.  After all, she'd promised to keep them both informed of her activities.

 

_To: Admiral David Anderson_

_CC: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_From: Commander Kiliane Shepard_

_So, the old saying about politics and strange bedfellows? Yeah, I think the same thing applies to galactic war.  Guess what I'm doing right now?  You'll never guess, so I'll just tell you.  I am on my way to a Geth base with my newest crew member.  Who, by the way, happens to be geth.  No, I haven't started taking red sand.  Long story short?  Turns out the geth units that we fought against with Saren were a fringe group.  Sort of like those Terra Firma assholes.  Anyways, Legion (my geth) wants me to go with it to this ‘Heretic’ station to destroy a virus.  A virus that will apparently rewrite all Geth code so that they will be loyal to the Reapers.  My life is never dull, not even for a second._

_This is our last stop before the Omega 4 Relay.  I’ll send you a quick message before we go through.  Congratulations on the promotion, Anderson.  You deserve it._

_-Shepard_

_P.S.  Weirdest thing about this geth?  It has a piece of_ my _N7 armor patching a hole in it’s chest.  Picked it up on Alchera.  When I asked it about it, it just replied “No data available.”  My gut tells me not be worried about it, but it_ is _strange!_

 

She laughed out loud when she received two simultaneous messages one minute later, saying the exact same thing.  They really needed new material because they were starting to sound like broken records.

 

_To: Commander Kiliane Shepard_

_Be careful!_  

    

 

* * *

 

 

   

The next morning, Anderson was in a meeting with Hackett and the rest of the Admiralty Board when his omni-tool went off.  Hearing Hackett’s beep at the same time, he knew who the message was from.  He pulled it up and quickly read the short message, knowing that Hackett had done the same when he jumped up and quickly excused himself from the meeting.  Anderson excused himself as well and followed Hackett out the door.

 

_They took my entire crew.  Chakwas, Daniels, Donnelly….everyone.  Just gone.  The only person left when we got back from the Heretic base was Joker.  I’m going after them NOW.  Those assholes picked the wrong person to piss off._

_See you on the other side._

_-Shepard_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard was in her quarters, pacing back and forth.  They had about another hour before they reached the Omega Nebula, and she was a mess of different emotions.  First and foremost, she was angry.  They had boarded _her_ ship, taken _her_ crew.  But she would make them pay dearly for it.  She was anxious to get there in time, worried they weren't prepared, and a part of her was relieved that it would all be over soon.  There was nothing else she could do at this point but have Joker get them there as fast as possible.  She wasn’t sure there was anything else they could do to be more prepared, even if she was willing to risk the extra time, which she was not.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“How far out are we?”

“We should arrive at the Omega 4 Relay in approximately fifty-two minutes.  Precisely seventeen minutes less than when you asked me seventeen minutes ago.”

Shepard suddenly stopped pacing and stared at the blue orb on the far end of the room.

“Are you getting smart with me, EDI?”

There was a slight pause before the AI answered.

“I apologize, Commander.  Joker informs me that that was a poorly executed joke.  I was merely trying to lighten your mood.”

Shepard simply continued to stare at the AI’s interface, trying to decide if it had actually been a good idea for Joker to ‘free’ her after all.  Before she could respond, EDI spoke again.

“Commander, Admirals Hackett and Anderson are on the line and would like to speak with you.  Shall I put them through to the terminal in your quarters?”

“Yes.  Thank you , EDI.”

“You are welcome.  Putting them through and logging you out.”

Shepard looked up at her display as two concerned faces appeared in front of her.

“Admirals.”

Hackett spoke first.  “What happened?”

“Apparently the IFF had a code imbedded in it that was transmitting our signal to the Collectors.  I had most of the experienced soldiers with me on the Heretic base.  The rest of the crew didn’t stand much of a chance when the ship was boarded.  Joker and EDI managed to regain control and jump away, but not before everyone else was taken.”

She waited for one of them to ask the obvious question, and Anderson didn’t disappoint her.

“Who is EDI?”

“You really don’t want to know the answer to that.”  Under her breath, she added, “Especially when I tell you _how_ they regained control.”

Their eyes narrowed in unison, and she would have laughed out loud if she hadn’t been so upset about everything else.

Instead, she said, “Listen, I know what you’re going to say.  Just because I'm charging off angry doesn't mean I'm not ready.  We've been preparing for this and we were planning on going now anyways.  The only thing the that's happened here is they've given me extra incentive.”

She saw them share a look and she cut them off before they could say it again.

“I’m not going to _be careful_.  I’m going to do my job.  I’m going through that relay, I’m rescuing my people and then I’m blowing the Collectors to hell.  Then I’m coming back, and we’ll need to start getting ready for the Reapers.  Because I’m aiming to piss them off today.”

Silence followed as both men carefully studied her.  

Hackett answered first, with a gleam in his eye.  “That’s our girl.”

Anderson nodded in agreement and said, “Give ‘em hell, Shepard.”

She simply saluted and then cut the connection.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Admiral Anderson watched her image disappear and then turned towards Hackett.

“She’s going to be back soon.  It’s time to set out plans in motion.”

Hackett nodded and walked over to his desk.  He pulled a datapad out from one of the drawers and handed it to Anderson.

“The batarians are going to be looking for blood.  Certain people within the Alliance are going to push for her being treated as a criminal.  I have an idea for appeasing the latter while protecting her from the former.  She won’t like it, but she’ll accept it.  House arrest and a personal bodyguard.  We need someone who will be able to ignore the politics and focus on protecting her.  Someone who will respect her and not use this as an opportunity to kiss ass up the chain.”  He nodded towards the datapad.  “That’s your man.  Find him and bring him in.  He’s currently on leave and off the grid, but I’d start on Omega.”

Anderson looked down and read the name on the dossier.  He looked up in surprise.

“Vega?  You sure he’s up for this after Fehl Prime?”

Hackett nodded.  “This mission will be exactly what he needs and he’s exactly the bodyguard that she needs.”  He met Anderson’s eyes.  “Trust me.”

 

 


	23. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, this one turned into two chapters as well. I had planned on covering a lot more ground in this chapter, but I just started having too much fun in James’ head. ;) I have taken the gist of Conviction and just changed it up a tiny bit to suit my needs.  
> I love your comments and kudos-keep them coming! (I’m shameless, I know.) But I seriously do still get a silly grin on my face every time I get a notification.  
> And as always, BioWare owns it all. I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

_Omega, January, 2186_

Someone was inside James Vega’s head, and they were trying to break their way out with a sledgehammer.  As he slowly regained consciousness, he realized the sound was coming from outside.  But the pain was most definitely in his head.  Groaning, he rolled over and sat on the edge of his bed, holding his head in his hands.  How much did he drink last night?  He looked over at the clock on his bed stand and realized it must have been quite a bit.  He’d slept the entire day away.  And he’d still be sleeping now if someone wasn’t pounding on his door.  Knowing exactly who it was, he said, “Dios, Blake!  Calm the fuck down, I’m coming.”

He made his way towards the door, opening it to let his friend in before walking back to his closet to pull on a semi-clean t-shirt and pair of jeans.

“Jesus Christ, man.  You look like shit.  More than usual even.”

The only response James gave was to flip up his middle finger.  Blake Vollan had been his best friend since they were fifteen, but the guy could be a real asshole sometimes.  Of course, if he was truly honest with himself, that was the reason Blake was the one he invited with him when he decided to take an extended leave to Omega.  James knew that he wouldn’t press him about what happened on Fehl Prime, and more importantly, he wouldn’t coddle him.  

The two had attended high school together, and had bonded over similar situations.  James’ mother had died when he was young, and Blake had never known his father.  Unfortunately, they had one other thing in common: both of their surviving parents were red sand addicts.  They had each found a way out of the situation.  James had signed up with the Alliance with some guidance from his uncle.  Blake had found a mentor in one of his teachers and had proven to be a genius with technology  He landed a job at Ariake Technologies and had moved to their main office in Japan.

“What the hell happened to you last night anyways?  You were on a hot streak and then you just up and left.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, James said, “I don’t remember what happened after I left that bar.  Must’ve hit up another one, though, because I’ve got a hell of a hangover this morning.  Evening.”

Blake smirked at him.  “Yeah, I wondered if you were ever gonna wake up.  But what I really want to know is _why_ you left?

James thought back to the night before.  He’d been winning big in poker, playing against a group of mercenaries.  The conversation had rolled around to the rumors coming in about the Bahak System.  Rumor had it that the destruction of the relay had been caused by the formerly deceased Commander Shepard.  According to the gossip, she had faked her death and joined up with the terrorist organization, Cerberus.  And she had done it all just so that she could exact revenge for what had happened to her family on Mindoir.  Even if James actually believed that Shepard had faked her own death in order to join the terrorist organization (which he did not), he most certainly didn’t believe that she had blown the relay just because she didn’t like batarians.  

Anyone who knew anything about her would know that was ridiculous.  And if there was anyone who knew more about Commander Kiliane Shepard than Lieutenant James Vega, he would be surprised.  Since she had been named the first human Spectre, he had read everything he could about her.  He’d had few good role models in his life, but she was certainly someone that he could look up to and try to emulate.  He was a fun-loving guy, and tried not to take too many thing seriously.  But he _was_ serious about his military career.

Or he had been.  Until Fehl Prime.  And that had been he train of his thoughts the night before, and the reason he abruptly left the poker game.  Instead, he had found the darkest corner in the quietest bar he could find.  That was all he could remember.

Not wanting to explain, he just shrugged and said, "I dunno.  Just felt my luck changing, decided it was time to call it a night."

Blake just looked at him and burst out laughing.

“Oh, that’s good.  The great James Vega, the Beast of the poker table, just gave up?  Yeah, I don’t buy it.  But that’s fine, man.  You don’t want to talk about it, you know I won’t press you.  By the way, I heard the most interesting bit of gossip today.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.  Apparently someone went through the Omega 4 Relay last night.”

James snorted and said, “Idiotas.  Everyone knows you don’t come back from there.”

“Well, see, that’s the most interesting part.  Apparently they _did_ come back.”

“You’re shitting me.”

Blake shook his head.  “They were apparently limping, but intact.  Supposedly they’re docked here for repairs. _And_ an Alliance vessel docked at almost the same time.  I don’t need to tell you that Alliance rarely comes to Omega, so something tells me one is related to the other.”

“Hmm.  Well, I don’t know anything about it, but yeah.  I’d say they are probably related." He shrugged.  "Anyways, I don’t know what this has to do with poker.  Let’s get moving.  I’m ready to go kick some ass at the tables and I need some tequila for this headache.”

Blake just laughed and followed him out the door.

A few hours later the two men were sitting at a poker table with a group of batarians.  James was on another hot streak when the news broke in during a break in the biotiball game that had been playing on the television next to them.  He didn’t need to listen long.  As soon as he heard the words “Bahak System” and “disgraced Commander Shepard”, he calmly laid down his hand.  Without a word, he stood up and walked over to the screen and proceeded to rip it right from the wall.  He heard the table behind him go silent, but he ignored it.  Then he walked over to the bar and laid the television down in front of an astonished krogan bartender.

“What do you think you’re doing, human?”

“Didn’t want to listen to the news.  Look, just take the damages out of my winnings tonight. I’ve made more than enough to cover it.”

The krogan didn’t immediately answer him, and seemed distracted by something behind him.  James turned around to see that three of the batarians he’d been playing with had stood up and were slowly walking towards him.  They all looked angry, and he suddenly realized how incredibly _unwise_ his actions had been in light of the company he was with.  The other two batarians had stayed at the table where Blake had wisely remained seated.  Blake always had been smarter than him.  Not really interested in getting in a fight, James raised his hands and spoke to the group coming towards him.

“Sorry about that guys.  All the noise from the television was distracting my game.  Were you really into the biotiball match?”

The batarian in the front sneered at him before answering.

“No, I don’t think that’s why you did that.  I think you are a Shepard lover and didn’t like having the truth of her crimes right in front of you.”

“Shepard?  Is _that_ what they were talking about?  I just didn’t want to-”

He didn’t get to finish the statement.  A batarian fist was coming straight at his face.  He ducked and spun out of the way, grabbing the screen he had just laid on the bar and throwing it towards the three batarians.  It staggered them enough for him to make a break towards the door.  As he was leaving, he shouted over his shoulder.

“Catch ya later, Blake!”

He was pretty sure his friend could handle himself.  As long as he didn’t try to help James in any way, the batarians would probably ignore him.  James took off running and cut a random path through the back alleys of Omega, hoping to lose his pursuers.  After about ten minutes of running, he thought that he had succeeded.  Until he rounded the next corner and was instantly surrounded by five batarians.

“Well, shit.”

He fought as hard as he could, but he was significantly outnumbered and completely unarmed.  He had managed to take down two of them before he was surprised by a hit from behind.  The blow didn't knock him out, but it did knock him down.  The three remaining batarians got a few good hits on him while he was down, and by the time he struggled to his feet, he was definitely moving much slower.

But James Vega prided himself on being able to take a beating and just keep going, and he quickly managed to get the odds down to two on one.  As he was trying to avoid being taken down from behind by one, the other pulled a knife in front of him.  He put his arm up, knowing he couldn’t move in time, but hoping to at least deflect a more serious injury.  Right before the knife connected with his forearm, there was a loud crack, the knife was gone and the batarian fell to the ground, bleeding from a wound in his hand.  

The guy behind him took off running and Vega heard a voice say to the one remaining batarian, “You might want to join your friend.”

He saw the panicked look in all four of the batarian’s eyes, right before he heeded the advice and took off running.  James spun around to see who had spoken and immediately snapped to attention.

“Council-”  He stopped when he took in the Alliance uniform and admiral’s bars on his collar.  “ _Admiral_ Anderson, sir.”

Anderson waved a hand at him, saying “At ease, Lieutenant.”  He then spun around, seeming to search for someone behind him.  Meeting the eyes of a turian holding a sniper rifle and standing at the end of the alley, Anderson nodded his head slightly.  The turian returned the gesture and then turned and walked out of the alley.

Turning back towards James, he said, "You're hard man to find.  Luckily, your friend Mr. Vollan was able to point me in the right direction."  He arched a brow and waved his hand at the surrounding mess.  “Although, he did that by telling us to look for the nearest street fight.  Care to explain this?”

“What, the batarians?  That was just a misunderstanding.”

“A _misunderstanding_?”

“Yeah.”

Anderson regarded the man in front of him for a minute before responding.

“Whatever.  Clean yourself up, soldier.  Report to the entrance to the lower docks in thirty minutes for your next assignment.”

“But, Sir, I’m on shore leave for another two weeks.”

“Shore leave is cancelled.  By order of the Admiral of Fifth Fleet.  Report to the lower docks in thirty, Lieutenant.”

And with that, he spun on his heel and walked away, leaving James staring after him with a look of disbelief on his face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“What do you mean cancelled?  Can they even do that?”

“I don’t know, Blake.  And yes, Admiral Hackett can.  He’s the leader of the strongest fleet in the Alliance Navy.  He can pretty much do what he likes.”

James had rushed to his hotel room, taken a two minute shower and was hastily throwing all of his items into a bag.  He was furious.  Didn’t they understand?  Everything that had happened on Fehl Prime.  The decision that _he_ had made.  It was going to haunt him forever and he needed this shore leave if he was ever going to become the soldier he used to be again.  Which, honestly, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to be anymore.

“Well, that sucks man. So...since you won’t be using your chips…”

James snorted.  “Take ‘em, pandejo.  You got real heart, you know that?”

Blake smirked.  “But that’s why you love me.”

James just laughed and finished packing his bag.  He gave one last quick sweep of the room, said goodbye to Blake and took off towards the docks.  

He couldn’t help but wonder what was so important that Admiral Hackett had cut short his leave, and sent _Admiral_ Anderson.  And what was up with that?  The last he knew, David Anderson was the human councilor on the Citadel.  Something big was definitely up, he just didn’t know what the hell it had to do with him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As he approached the docks, James saw the admiral waiting for him.  He walked up, dropped his bag and saluted.

“Reporting for duty, sir.  Um...but...I only packed civilian clothes for the trip.”

He was surprised to see an amused look on Anderson’s face.

“At ease, Lieutenant.  And don’t worry.  I made sure we had something for you.  Plus, we’re heading straight to Earth.  We’ll get you sorted out there.”

“Earth, sir?  Can I ask what the hell is going on?”

Raising a brow, Anderson answered, “You can ask.”

“Funny.  Listen, I really needed this time to clear my head after Fehl Prime, and I’m pretty sure I made that crystal clear when I left.  And even _I’m_ not stupid enough not to realize that something must be going down.  Something big enough that it turns a councilor into an admiral in a matter of days.  But I don’t think I’m your man.”

Anderson started walking, indicating for James to follow him before he answered.

“First of all, you’re selling yourself short.  I don’t buy the dumb jock act, not even for a minute.  Second, you need to get past what happened on Fehl Prime.  I know that it was difficult, and you had to make a decision that will weigh on you for the rest of your career.  Because you are a good man, those types of decisions aren’t easy.  They _shouldn’t_ be easy.  But you have to be able to move past it.  And third, you are the only man for this job.”

“Bullshit!  There are dozens, hundreds of other soldiers out there who can do what I do.  And I’m not really sure I want to _get past_ Fehl Prime.  Screw this, just throw me in the brig and get it over with.”

Anderson barely looked back as he gave a small laugh and replied, “You’re not far off, Lieutenant.  You’ll actually be _guarding_ the brig.”

James stared at the back of Anderson’s head in confusion, not understanding what that meant.  But if he had been paying attention when they had walked through the docks, instead of arguing with the admiral, he might have looked at the outside of the ship they had just boarded.  He might have noticed the strange logo on the outside, and the recognizable, if not exaggerated, silhouette.  He might have noticed that it was most definitely _not_ an Alliance vessel and that it had recently seen some heavy combat.

But Lieutenant James Vega had not noticed those things.  So, when he followed the admiral into the brig, he stopped in his tracks and simply stared and the person sitting on the other side of the bars.


	24. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry, I’m a bit late posting again. :/ Once again, my chapter got away from me. It looks as though I will have one more chapter of James. I seem to be writing longer sections as I go. I hope this doesn’t mean I am getting too wordy. You would tell me if I was, right? :)  
> I’ve played with the timeline of conversations just a bit here, but I figure that the only reason that Shepard and James were having those conversations when they did in-game was so that we could see them. I mean, they WERE together for six months BEFORE the game began. You can’t honestly tell me they didn’t talk that whole time. ;)  
> Thanks as always for the comments, encouragements and kudos. I absolutely love them.  
> BioWare owns all. I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

_Omega, January, 2186_

Shepard watched as Anderson walked in, followed closely by a scowling mountain of a man.  She assumed this was her new bodyguard.  She almost laughed out loud as he noticed her sitting there, and his expression changed from one of anger to one of complete shock.   “Commander Kiliane Shepard, meet Lieutenant James Vega.”

After making introductions, Anderson turned to the Lieutenant and offered an explanation.  “Commander Shepard is turning herself, and the Cerberus vessel we are standing on, into the Alliance.  We will be taking both to Earth, where the Commander will stand trial for the destruction of the Bahak System."

"That's bullsh-"

He stopped when Anderson held up a hand and said, "Of course it is."

Shepard _did_ laugh out loud when the lieutenant’s expression changed suddenly for the second time.

“It is?  I mean, of course it is, but...what?”

“Because it's necessary," Shepard answered. "The Reapers are coming.  I delayed them by destroying the Alpha Relay, but they're still coming.  We can't afford a war with the Hegemony right now.  While they still won’t be happy, hopefully a trial will at least prevent that outcome."

"The Reapers?  So that's why you did it."

"Yes.  The Reapers were _minutes_ away from coming through that relay.  It’s a decision that will haunt me forever, but it’s one I would make again in a heartbeat.”

She watched as the lieutenant processed what she said, a haunted look in his eyes.  She thought back to the conversation she’d had with Anderson this morning.

_"Hackett says he's the man for the job, and I trust him.  I think he’s hoping you can help each other.”_

_“What does that mean?”_

_“I’m not entirely sure, but I have my suspicions.  I think I’ll let you figure it out for yourself, though.”_

Looking at the man in question now, she realized he too had a decision that haunted him.  It was obviously on his mind now as he considered what they had said.  He turned to Anderson.

“What do you need from me, Admiral?”

Anderson smiled before replying, “Well, first, we need you to understand that we are bringing you into a very small inner circle.  A circle that includes myself, Admiral Hackett and the Commander here.  We need to know we can trust you.”

Shepard was glad that the lieutenant didn’t immediately agree, but seemed to really give the matter some thought.

“What exactly are you asking?”  
“There are some, even within the Alliance, that would see Commander Shepard strung up for her actions.  Many people still deny the existence of the Reapers, or they don’t realize exactly how big of a threat they really are.  What she did was absolutely necessary, and _she_ is absolutely necessary if we stand any chance against them.  What we are asking of you is to be her guard.  To most, you will appear to be there to prevent her from escaping or breaking her house arrest in any way.  What you will really be doing is protecting her from any outside threats.   _No one_ is allowed access unless Hackett or I say.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.  And... _yes_ , sir.  I can do this and you can trust me.  I won’t let anyone get to her.”  He turned to Shepard before continuing, “Although, I suspect you could handle it if they did.”

She laughed and said, “Probably.  But we need to keep up appearances, and even I need to sleep sometime.”

“Which reminds me,” Anderson said.  “Follow me, Lieutenant.  I want to introduce you to Lieutenant Jodi Rice, who will be your relief.  She served with Shepard and I aboard the original Normandy.  She won’t be as privy to information as you are, but she is loyal to the Commander.”

Shepard watched the two men leave the brig, not entirely sure what to make of Lieutenant James Vega.  He certainly pretended to understand less than he did.  She was curious about why he would do that, and also about what was haunting him.  She sighed, realizing she was going to have plenty of time to figure it out.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Vancouver, February, 2186_

James watched as Shepard walked out of her latest meeting with the Admiralty Board.  He’d spent almost every day of the last month with her, through countless meetings with the Board, but he’d never seen her look quite so dejected as she did now.  He quickly made his way to her side and looped her arm through his, leading her through the crowd.  The kept the media out of the sessions, but it didn’t stop the crowds from gathering outside.  Even on a military base there were those who wanted a front row seat to the biggest story in the galaxy.  Shaking off his annoyance, he pushed his way through and made his way back to her room.  He wasn’t sure who was more relieved when he finally shut the door behind them.

“So, Commander.  Not a good day?”

“I just feel like I’ve already said everything I can, and I’m banging my head against the wall.  I could be so much more productive elsewhere.”  She looked at him.  “And quit calling me ‘Commander’.  I’ve been stripped of my rank.”

“What?”

“Oh, don’t act so surprised.  I saw it coming a mile away, you should have too.  They have to appease the Council and the Hegemony.  I really don’t care as long as Anderson and Hackett can keep sneaking reports in for me.  I don’t like how quiet the Reapers and their agents have been.  It’s like the calm before the storm.”

“And that’s why this is all so fucking stupid.  Those pendejos sit there with their heads up their asses much longer, and we are all going to pay the price.”

He saw her smirk at him and realized what he had said.  "Uh, excuse the language, Commander."

Laughing, she replied, "James, I've been a marine longer than you. You think I haven't heard, or said, worse than that?  And stop calling me Commander."

"So, what should I call you?"

"You could try Kiliane. It's my name, after all."

He shook his head.  “Nah, doesn’t fit you.  I’ll think of something, though.”

She laughed.  “My brother always said the same thing.  He always called me ‘Kili’.  It was a shortened version of my name, and a character from our favorite book.”  Considering for a second, she said, “You know, very few people have ever called me Kiliane.  Maybe you’re on to something.”

“Or I’m just really bad with names and I find it easier to give people nicknames.”

She laughed again, and he was glad to see the light start to come back to her eyes.  This trial was just beginning, and she was going to have to go through a lot more before it was over.  He’d gotten the impression from Hackett and Anderson that he was expected to protect her both physically and emotionally.  She was allowed very limited interaction with the outside world, and that wouldn’t be easy for someone like Shepard, who was always used to _doing_.  He was slowly learning ways to keep her engaged.

“So, wasn’t Kili one of the dwarves?”

She looked at him in surprise.  “You read James?”

He shrugged.  “Not too much, honestly.  But I do know that one.  Mi madre used to read it to me.  She always said I was like Bilbo.”  
“How so?”

“Well, he had his Baggins side, that was traditional and didn’t like to do anything outside of the norm.  And then there was his Took side that longed for adventure and to see the world beyond the Shire.  She said that I was a Sanders in my heart, like my father, but her family, my Vega side, was very traditional.  What I really needed to do, she said, was find my Bilbo.  Figure out who James was and make him happy.”

“Did you?”

“I’m still figuring it out, but I think I’m on the right path now.  Wasn’t for a while after she died, but I think I am now.”

“I’m sorry, James.  She sounds like someone I would have liked to know.”

“You remind me of her a little.  She was strong.  Didn’t take shit from anyone, but she was still full of compassion.  The only person I know who could handle my dad.”

“I notice you use your mother’s family name.”

“Yeah, I made that decision when I joined the military.”  

Starting to feel uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, James changed the subject before she could say anything else.

“So.  Kili.  I like it but since it was your brother’s thing, I’ll think of something else.  I’ll just have to think about it a bit.”

Shepard turned around and headed towards her locker on the other end of the room.

“Can you think about it at the gym?  Because I’m feeling the need to hit stuff today.”

“Ooh, now you’re speaking my language, Lola.”

She raised a brow.  “Lola?”

He didn’t really know where it had come from.  Well, he did, but he wasn’t ready to explore exactly why he had chosen to call _this woman_ by _that name_.  So instead, he just shrugged.

“Yeah, you just kinda look like a Lola.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So, we going to the gym or what?”

Knowing she didn’t buy it, he just silently prayed she wouldn’t press him.  He felt her stare for a minute before she finally grabbed her gym gear and headed towards the door.

“Coming James?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Vancouver, March, 2186_

"Nice ink, Lola!"

Surprised, Shepard turned from the punching bag as James spoke to her.  She had come to the gym with Lieutenant Rice, and James had gone to a meeting with Hackett and Anderson.  She must have lost all track of time.

"Hi James. You startled me! Guess I was a little too focused on killing this bag of sand.  And thanks. Yours isn't so bad either."

He lifted his hand, and if she hadn’t been studying him so closely, she wouldn’t have noticed the strange look that passed over his face and the slight pause before he spun her around to look closer at her tattoos.  She couldn’t figure out what it meant, but she felt like she might finally be getting to the lieutenant.

She’d barely gotten him to talk about himself at all over the last couple months.  He had a rather large wall built up around himself.  She had made it her mission to break through, but she wanted to do it with finesse instead of brute force.  She had plenty of time, after all.

"Can't believe I never noticed this before. So these three here?" She felt his finger over the three larger groups of symbols on her right shoulder. "For your family, no? And I'm guessing this group in the middle here is for your unit on Akuze. Not sure about the one over here on your left."

"Ashley Williams. Virmire."

She was shocked.  No one had ever been able to figure them out.

Barely finding her voice, she asked, "How did you know?"

She watched as a dark shadow passed through his eyes before he gave a slight shake of his head and said, “Maybe someday I'll tell you what mine are for. So, what's with the symbols? Is that another language?"

Deciding not to press, she gave a small laugh and nodded.

"Sort of, I guess. Something my brother and I made up when we were kids. We were so sure we were smarter than our parents and they couldn't crack it. Looking back, I'm sure they did-but they let us have our 'secret'."

She thought back to those days with Keaghan, writing secret notes to each other in school and at home.  Hers were always about the crazy ideas she had come up with, and his replies were always ways to get them through their _adventures_ alive.  She felt the tears threatening, and was incredibly grateful when James abruptly changed the subject.

"So tell me, what in the world did this poor bag do to you? It must be serious for attempted murder…"

She laughed, and said, "Well, let me tell you.  I didn’t really like the way it was looking at me when I walked in, so I did a little recon.  Turns out, this bag here likes to partake in some illegal activity.  Then it resisted arrest, so..."

Grinning, James replied, “Really?  This guy?  Doesn’t really look like he has it in him, but I guess it’s usually the quiet ones that surprise you.  Mind if I give him a go?”

“Oh, by all means.”

She stepped back and watched as he did a few rounds with the bag.  Taking the time to really study the man in front of her, she reflected on the last few months.  When Anderson had first walked in with him trailing behind, the first thing she had noticed was his looks.  She _was_ a woman after all.  But then she’d seen the angry expression he’d been wearing and the way he’d fumbled over his words, and the first impression she’d had of him was that he was something of a meat-head.

Of course she’d been wrong, and she had quickly realized that he was actually quite intelligent.  He had an analytical mind that came close to matching hers, and was very good at reacting quickly and appropriately.  He also seemed to feel things deeply, but he tried to keep that hidden as well.  It seemed like he didn’t want to let anyone get to know who he truly was.

Of course, that just made her want to figure it out all the more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Vancouver, April, 2186_

James watched as Shepard paced back and forth in her quarters.  The Alliance, at the recommendation of the Council, had decided to allow representatives from all Council races, as well as from the Hegemony, into some of their sessions with her.  Today was the first time that they had been allowed to pose some questions of their own to her.  It had apparently not gone well.

Her emotions were all over the place, and James didn’t even have a clue where to begin trying to calm her down.  She went from outright anger, to pure frustration, and on to deep sadness in a matter of minutes.  What he needed was a distraction, but for the life of him, he couldn’t think of anything.  Usually, they would go box after a bad session, but there was no way he was getting in the ring with her right now.  He liked all his parts where they currently were.  With no better options coming to him, he started talking.

“She was a girl I grew up with.  Back on Earth.”

Shepard stopped and slowly turned towards him.  “What?”

“Lola.  You keep asking me why I picked that nickname for you.”  He shrugged.  “You reminded me of her.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.  Her real name wasn’t Lola either.  It was actually Eloise, but she hated that, so she insisted everyone call her Lola.”  He smirked.  “Of course, me being me, I refused.  I actually called her Eli.”

It was his turn to start pacing.  He hadn’t talked about Eli in years.  But he had started this, and he knew he had to tell Shepard the full story now.

“Eli and I...we were close.  I guess you could say we were each other’s first loves.  We were teenagers and didn’t really understand what that meant, but we sure thought we did.  Her dad dated my best friend’s mom for a while.  The three of us were real tight.  We all came from similar backgrounds, had similar situations at home.  Eli had it the worst though.  My dad was a jerk and an addict.  But her dad...her dad was pure evil.  His relationship with Blake’s mom didn’t last past the first time he put her in the hospital.  She was a good woman, despite her drug problems, and she loved her son enough to know that wasn’t a situation either of them belonged in.  Eli and I had a fight because I didn’t want her to leave with her dad.  I’d seen her come to school before with bruises.  I was afraid that she would pay the price for Mrs. Vollan’s kicking him out.”

“She didn’t talk to me for days.  She tried to hide it, but I saw that I’d been right to be worried.  Eli was one of the toughest people I knew, so the day she finally came to me crying, I knew it was bad.  She told me she was sorry for being mad at me and that I was one of the only things she would miss.  And then she left.  I freaked out of course.  I thought she was going to hurt herself.  I went after her, but she had completely disappeared.  I know she never went home because her dad came looking for her the next day.”

“It was a few weeks before I got her message.  She had somehow managed to sneak herself aboard a transport to Terra Nova.  Don’t ask me how, but she was always way smarter than anyone else in our school.  Even Blake, and he’s a genius.  She faked some documents and got herself a job.  I heard from her a few more times before the letters stopped.  A few years later, I got curious and checked up on her.  She’d changed her name to Lola Wright when she’d moved, but I couldn’t find her under that name.  I did a little more digging and found a marriage certificate for Lola Wright and Noah Hardy.  And then I found her.  Lola Hardy.  Married, with two kids.  She’d managed to escape and build a pretty good life all on her own.”

He shook his head at the memory.  “Don’t know why I ever doubted her.”

“Did you contact her when you found her?”

“Nah.  If she wanted to talk to me, she would have.  She was happy, so I was happy.  Like I said, we were young.  It wasn’t like I expected anything.  I just wanted to make sure she was okay.  And she was.”  He shrugged.  “Anyways, I guess you reminded me of her because she was tough as hell and smarter than anyone I knew.  She was dealt a pretty piss-poor hand but managed to turn it into a royal flush.  And she was hot as hell.”

Shepard laughed before turning serious and laying her hand on his arm, speaking softly.  “Thank you for telling me about her James.”

He looked down at her fingers, still resting on his arm, and suddenly found himself unable to reply.  

She seemed to understand he needed a change of subject, so she said, “Wanna head down to the ring?  I promise I’m in a better mood, and won’t hurt your pretty face.”

“Aw, shucks.  You think I’m pretty, Lola?”  

He made a show of batting his eyelashes at her, and was rewarded with a laugh.  And then a snort.

“Did you just snort?  For real?”

“You shut up, James Vega! I do not snort!”

“Oh, but I think you do.”

Grabbing her gloves from her locker, she headed towards the door.

“You better watch it, Vega.  Keep it up and I might forget my promise about your face.”

Laughing, he followed her out the door.  She was _definitely_ a Lola.

 

 


	25. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the late post...again. Work was crazy busy this week, but hopefully that’s died down now.  
> So...this chapter. I could have kept going forever. And I almost did. Sorry it’s a little longer, but I wanted to bring them up to this point in the game and the first part took a little longer than I expected. At least we have officially arrived in ME3. :)  
> Thank you so much for continuing to read, leave comments and kudos. You guys are awesome!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

_Vancouver, May, 2186_

Shepard was starting to get worried.  It had been five months since she'd destroyed both the Collector Base and the Alpha Relay, but she'd heard nothing regarding the Reapers.  Not that they’d ever been overt with their actions, but she’d learned to read between the lines and see when they were involved.  But there had been _nothing_ the last five months.  She had delayed them with the relay, and possibly hurt them slightly with the Collectors, but she knew that, at most, it was a just dent in their full strength.  So the quiet concerned her.  Unfortunately, there wasn't  much she could do from her current position.

There was also another quiet that was bothering her.  James had been unusually subdued since he had opened up to her a few weeks ago.  She'd thought it had been progress, but he'd closed up even more than usual after.  He hardly even joked with her anymore, and she found herself missing his goofy grin and over-the-top flirting.  He’d been good at distracting her over the last several months, lifting her spirits and keeping her from feeling completely boxed in.  She didn’t know how much longer she was going to be stuck here, but she did know that if James continued to hold himself back, she was going to go crazy.  

The only thing she could do about the Reapers for now was to keep her ear to the ground via reports from Hackett and Anderson.  James, on the other hand, she could do something about.  But what?  She’d tried just talking to him, getting him to open up, but he was having none of it.  She thought about it for some time before the solution was literally placed in her hands.  

She just would have preferred that it had taken a different form.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Kiliane Shepard!”

Shepard had just come out of a meeting with the Board when she heard her name called.  The Council and Hegemony representatives weren’t present at this one, but there were several batarians that were on the base as part of the Hegemony ‘delegation’, and it was one of them that had spoken.  When she turned towards him, he placed a datapad in her hands and then walked away without another word.  Curious, she looked down.  She felt the blood drain from her face as she realized what she was looking at.

“Lola?”

She heard James’ concerned voice, but found herself unable to respond.  She vaguely felt him grab her arm and pull her off towards her quarters.  She barely registered the people he led her past, the steps she took back to her room or the couch that he guided her onto.

“You okay, Lola?”

He crouched in front of her, and it wasn’t until he reached up and gently wiped the tears from her face that she realized she’d been crying.  Since she still couldn’t find her voice, she simply handed him the datapad.  His expression changed from concern to curiosity.  She knew the moment he realized that the pictures flashing across the screen, overlaid with the words ‘Remember Aratoht’, were the faces of those that had been killed when she had destroyed the relay.

“What….what _is_ this?  Where did you get this?

“I don’t know, someone handed it to me.  It doesn’t matter.  I know what I did.  There is no reason that I _shouldn’t_ have to look at those faces.  It’s so easy to sit up there in that courtroom and talk about the Reapers and talk about the bigger picture and not face what I did.  What that decision really cost.”

She felt strong hands grip her shoulders, pushing her back slightly so that she was looking up at him.

“Lola, it may be completely true that you shouldn’t forget the consequences of your decision, but you also can’t forget what the consequences would have been if you’d made a different decision.  Don’t you remember saying that to me when we first met?”

She shook her head.

“You said it would always haunt you, but you would make the same decision again, without question.  Isn't that still true?”

“I don’t know…James, there were so many families, so many _children_ …”

His grip on her shoulders tightened as he said, “Yes, but _would your decision change_?”

She looked into his eyes and was surprised by the depth of the pain there.  It seemed to go beyond the empathy one friend would feel for another’s pain.  It seemed almost personal.

“I...no.  It wouldn’t.”  She gave him a curious look.  “James, why is this so important to you?”

He seemed to be having an internal debate with himself, and he started at her for several minutes before answering.

“Wait right here.  Don’t move, and I’ll be back in two minutes.”

She stared after him in shock as he jumped up and ran out the door, locking it behind him.  True to his word, he returned two minutes later. He was carrying something in his left hand.

“Is that...a teddy bear?”

He simply nodded and then sat next to her on the couch, looking down at the battered stuffed animal in his hands.  He turned it over a few times as he started talking.

“Her name was April.  The owner of this teddy bear.  She lived on Fehl Prime with her mother.  My team was stationed there, to protect them.  When the colonies were disappearing.  April…”  He gave a small, sad smile.  “She was this little ball of pure energy that followed me around everywhere, wanted to be a soldier like me.  I gave her a badge and told her she was part of my squad, and she was thrilled.”

He fell silent, and Shepard waited patiently for him to continue.

"When the Collectors came I was too far away.  By the time I got back, the only thing I could do was watch as they carried the colonists away.  We fought, and I lost most of my team.  We managed to disable the ship, but in the end it came down to a decision.  I had to decide to save intel that would help against the Collectors or evacuate the colonists from the ship before it crashed into the planet.  I chose the intel.”  He gave a bitter laugh.  “Of course, you blew the damn Collectors to hell, and it didn’t even matter.”

“You couldn’t have known that.”

“Of course not.  But...even so, I wasn’t sure I made the right call.”  He looked up and met her eyes.  “When we first met you said that you were haunted by your decision, but you were still sure it was the right one…”

He trailed off, and she realized what he was saying.  

“You related it to yourself and the feelings you were struggling with.  And thought that maybe, it could be the _right_ choice, but still _feel_ like the wrong one.”

He nodded.  “Exactly.”

“No one who wasn’t there can tell you if you made the right call or not.  But I can say that if you weren’t struggling with it like you are, then the decision wouldn’t have belonged in your hands to begin with.”

“Responsibility sucks.”

She gave a short laugh.  “Yeah.”  Sighing, she continued.  “I used to think that there was no reason that you would ever sacrifice an innocent person.  But then I came face-to-face with the Reapers, and I saw what they are capable of.  It’s an incredibly small comfort, but you should know that I saw first hand what would have happened to those people if they’d made it back to the Collector homeworld.  At least you made sure that didn't happen.  And I tell myself the same thing about Aratoht.  I still made the decision that killed them all, but if I hadn't, a good number of them would probably have been used by the Reapers in horrible ways.  And we’d all probably be dead.”

She leaned over and placed her hand on his.

“We lived to fight another day.  Sometimes that feels more like a curse than anything else.  Believe me, I know.  But don’t let it take the good out of you.  I see you struggling, I see you with this stuffed animal in your hands, and I know exactly what kind of man you are, James Vega.  And that is all that matters.”

They sat in silence for several minutes before James suddenly looked down to where her hand still rested on his.  She watched as he clearly became uncomfortable and pulled away.

“Sorry, Lola.  I turned this all about me somehow.”

“Don’t you dare.”

He looked at her in surprise.  “What?”

“The last few weeks have been miserable for me because you opened up to me and then you got scared and closed up.  I don’t know if you realize how important your friendship has been to me the last five months, but don’t take it away again.  Please.”

“I...I’m sorry, Lola, I didn't even realize I was doing it.  There are _very_ few people in my life that I've ever really opened up to, and most of them are family.  Or people I consider family, like Blake.  It’s...very hard for me to trust people.”  He finally looked up and met her eyes.  “Plus, you may have been stripped of your rank, but _I_ still consider you my superior officer.  And someone I have looked up to for a long time.  There may be a small part of me that doesn't want you to know about my weaknesses.”

“Compassion isn't a weakness, James.  We all have failings, but that isn't yours.”

“You say that like you already know what it _is_.”

She shrugged.  “Maybe.  But you’re smart; you don’t need me to tell you.  I will say this:  Try not to hold yourself back so much.  When you share yourself with others, you open yourself up.  I know that’s the scary part, but you’ll be amazed at what you can get in return.”

He only hesitated for a second before he gave her a small smile and said, “Yeah, you might be right.”

James pointed towards the datapad he had set on the coffee table and asked, “So you okay Lola?”

She nodded and grabbed his hand.  “I will be now.”

He stood up, still holding her hand and said, “Well then, would you care to dance?”

“Absolutely.”  Grinning, she jumped up, grabbed her boxing gloves and followed him out the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Vancouver, June, 2186_

 

Shepard was pacing in her quarters reading over some of the reports that Anderson had forwarded her when she got a new message.  Opening it up, she started to read.

 

_To: Kiliane Shepard_

_From: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_I wanted to let you know that I considered what you said the last time I was there.  I just sent the recommendation through.  You do realize that this means he’ll be reassigned, right?  I got the feeling you two had grown rather close._

_Anyways, I also wanted to tell you that I think something is happening soon.  I can’t explain why I think that exactly, but it’s a feeling I have.  They’ve been quiet too long.  I’ll see what I can do to speed up your official return to the Alliance-it’s taken far too long already._

_-Hackett_

 

She quickly sent a reply.

 

_Thank you.  And I’m not exactly sure what you are trying to imply, but yes, we have become good friends.  I will miss him, but he is a good soldier and a good man-he deserves this.  And the Alliance will be better for it._

_I share your feeling about something being on the horizon.  And at this point, I would appreciate anything you can do._

_Be careful? (It feels weird to be the one saying it this time.)_

_-Shepard_

 

After hitting the ‘send’ button, she leaned against the window.  She watched a young boy playing in the yard below, and thought about what was coming.  Were they ready?  Would they be able to protect him and all the other innocent people in the galaxy?  She didn’t think they were close, but she was certain they didn’t have much more time.  The boy started running in circles with a toy ship, and she smiled at the pure joy on his face.  Hearing the door open behind her she turned to see James walk in.

When he saluted her and said, “Commander,” she was more than a little confused.

“You’re not supposed to call me that anymore, James.”

He smirked, “Not supposed to salute you either.  Anyways, we gotta go.  The defense committee wants to see you.”

Well, that changed the mood.  What did they want?

“Sounds important,” she said, tossing her datapad to the side and following him out the door.

She had to practically run to catch him, and there was definitely something going on.  People were running around the base like crazy.

“What’s going on?”

“Couldn’t say.  Just told me they needed you...now.”

The sinking feeling in her stomach grew.  Then she looked up and stopped in her tracks.

“Anderson.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

James trailed behind Shepard and Anderson, trying to figure out what was happening.  It was definitely something big.  The base had exploded with activity and he had been told to get Shepard to the defense committee _yesterday_.  Logic said that it had something to do with the Reapers.  He stopped at the security checkpoint just outside the entrance to the committee’s chambers.

“Good luck in there, Shepard.”

She stopped and turned towards him.

“Thanks, James.”

She shook his hand but then she seemed distracted by something behind her.  James looked and saw the admiral talking to Major Alenko.  He’d met the Major yesterday during his meeting with Hackett and Anderson.  He watched Shepard’s face as her gaze fell on the other man, and was surprised to feel a flicker of jealousy at the look that passed between them.  It grew as the two had a quick conversation, but he pushed it aside as the major walked towards him.

“You know the commander?”

“I used to.”

As the two men stood and watched her walk away with Admiral Anderson, James found himself wondering what the hell _that_ meant.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James was getting more irritated by the second.  The Reapers had arrived.  He was watching Earth burn around him, and they were _leaving_.  Shepard and Alenko seemed to be taking it all in stride, and the _looks_ that kept passing between them, the way they seemed to just understand each other was putting him even more on edge.  And the _fact_ that it irritated him irritated him even more.

He knew he was picking a ridiculous fight with Shepard, but he could couldn’t stop himself from saying, “Forget it!  Drop me off someplace, ‘cause I’m not leaving.”

Her eyes flashed and stepped forward, shoving her finger in his chest.

“Enough!  Don’t you think I’d rather stay and fight?”

She just looked at him, and he could see that she was hurt by his attitude, but he was too worked up to respond.  She sighed and turned around.

“We’re going to the Citadel...you want out, you can catch a ride back from there.”

He stared at the back of her slumped shoulders and briefly felt bad for adding more weight to them, but he wasn’t interested in working it out when he could feel the major staring at his back.  Turning to walk away, he stopped when the pilot’s voice broke in to tell her that Admiral Hackett was on the line.  He watched her face and saw the relief she felt at knowing that Hackett was okay, and he felt a pang of regret for having added to her burdens with his attitude.  

Then the next thing he knew, the were headed towards Mars.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Not this time, James.”

“What?”

They had made it to Mars to find it overrun with Cerberus soldiers.  After fighting their way into the building, they had run into an asari, who apparently worked with Shepard aboard the original Normandy.  They were getting ready to fight their way to the archives to retrieve Prothean data about a supposed super-weapon.  He was ready to fight, but Shepard wanted him to stay back.

“Get back to the shuttle.  If Cerberus beats us to the Archives, I need you covering the exits.”

Was she serious?  Alenko had spent every second since they arrived on Mars questioning her motives and allegiances, but she was sending _him_ back?

“But-”

She turned and he saw the fire in her eyes.  “ _Now_ , Lieutenant.”

He went back to the shuttle.  He did what she said because he was a good soldier, but he spent the entire time getting more and more pissed off.  He listened on the coms and Alenko kept with the stupid questions.  It was driving him crazy.

His attention was drawn back to the conversation in his ear when he heard the next thing Alenko said.

“I just want to know...is the person that I followed to hell and back, the person that I loved...are you still in there?  Somewhere?”

_Loved_?  So they had been more than coworkers, more than friends even.  But why would the major doubt her so much if they were so close?  And, more importantly, _why_ did it bother him so much?


	26. Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, another chapter so soon? Why yes! I don’t know what happened. I sat down to write and just kept going and going and before I knew it, I was done. I figured, what the heck? Since I’ve posted the last two chapters late, this one can be early! :) If it keeps going like this, maybe I’ll even get two done this week. ;)  
> I may be moving things around in the timeline just a bit to suit the flow of my story, but nothing major. And I don’t care what she said in-game, I totally ship Liara and Feron.  
> Thanks again for reading, commenting, and the kudos. It’s the bestest!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“I just want to know...is the person that I followed to hell and back, the person that I loved...are you still in there?  Somewhere?”

 _Seriously_?  The Reapers were busy wiping out all galactic life.  Cerberus was standing between them and the weapon that could be their only hope against them, and Kaidan wanted to have this conversation now.  For crying out loud, between him and James’ pouting, Shepard felt like a grade school teacher.  At least she understood where James was coming from.  She wanted to be fighting alongside Anderson too.  But she also knew what needed to be done.  Taking a deep breath she turned to Kaidan.

“Honestly, I don’t think either of us are the same as we were then, but that has nothing to do with Cerberus.  People grow and change over time.  That’s just life.  But Kaidan, I assure you, I am still _me_.”  She sighed.  “And you are still you.  So I can talk until I’m blue in the face and you still won’t believe me until you’re ready.  Frankly, I don’t have time for that. So can we just focus on the mission for right now?”

From the shocked look he gave her, she thought her lack of patience may have been showing by the end there, but she really didn’t care.  She knew he would eventually come around.  He wasn’t unreasonable, and she did understand his doubt, even if it hurt.

“Of course, Commander.  And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“I know, Kaidan.  Let’s just go get this data and get off this planet.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Kaidan needs medical attention!”

Shepard stared down at the bruised and battered face on the gurney below.  She heard Liara talking to her, but she didn’t acknowledge her.

It had all happened so fast.  After James had taken down the Cerberus shuttle, she’d thought it’d been over.  But then that _thing_ had crawled out of the rubble.  Kaidan had rushed in before she could do or say anything and the next thing she knew, he was down.  Whatever that thing was, it was incredibly powerful.  It had just tossed him around like a ragdoll, and now he was clinging to life in her medical bay.

Liara leaned in, so that she was in Shepard’s line of sight.

“We have to leave the Sol System.”

Finally looking up, she answered, “I know.”

“The Citadel is our best chance.  We can find help there.”

“Get us to the Citadel, Joker.”

“Roger that.”

She looked down at Kaidan, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Hold on, Kaidan.”

Looking over at the table where James had thrown the Cerberus mech, she spoke to Liara.

“See what you and EDI can learn from that _thing_.”

Then she turned towards James.  He had the strangest expression on his face that she couldn’t even begin to read.  She wasn’t sure what the hell that stunt with the shuttle had been all about.  While effective, it had been one of the _stupidest_ things she had ever seen.  She was about to ask him what the hell he had been thinking when EDI broke in.

“Commander, I’m receiving a signal over the secondary QEC.  I believe it’s Admiral Hackett.”

James would have to wait.  She headed towards the Comm Room.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After disconnecting from Hackett, Shepard sagged against the console, feeling the weight of the galaxy pressing down on her.  She sincerely hoped that Liara was right about this weapon, and that the Council would listen, because she no other ideas.  She had seen what happened on Earth.  There was no way they could beat the Reapers without some sort of miracle.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Liara looking at her, concern evident in her eyes.

“Shepard, are you okay?”

With the adrenaline that had been pumping through her system all day finally wearing off, she simply shook her head.  She felt the tears threatening, and when her friend simply hugged her in response, she let them loose.  For several minutes, she just sobbed onto Liara’s shoulder.  Finally, she pulled back and gave a half smile.

“Sorry.”

“No need.  You have a lot of pressure and I can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now.  I’m here for you, no matter what you need.  I hope you know that.”

“Thank you, Liara.  You’re a good friend.”

They sat in silence for a bit before Shepard asked, “So, do you really think this weapon will work?”

“I do.  Hopefully the Council will think so as well.”

“Well find a way to convince them, because I don’t have any other ideas at this point.”

“I’ll do my best, Shepard.”

“How’s Kaidan?”

“I’ve stabilized him for now, but we need to get him to a proper hospital soon."  Liara seemed about to say more, but then stopped.

"What is it, Liara?"

"Is he...are you..."

"No."

Liara met her eyes, and asked, "Does _he_ know that?"

“You heard that, did you?”  She sighed.  “I thought he did.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Liara walked out of the meeting with the Council more frustrated than she had ever been.  They were so shortsighted!  Couldn’t they see that if they didn’t all stand against Reapers together, they were going to fall separately?  She was so worked up, she didn’t even see the man standing on the other side of the door until she walked right into him.  Strong hands gripped her shoulders as she started to stumble.

“Whoa.  Easy there, Doc.”

She looked up into a familiar face.

“Lieutenant Vega, excuse me.  I didn’t even see you there.”

“No worries.  You looked a little angry.  I take it the meeting didn’t go well?”

They fell in step beside each other, heading towards the Embassy lobby.

“No, it didn’t.  I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess.  They have never taken Shepard’s word on anything before.  Why would they start now?”

Stopping in front of one of the big windows overlooking the Presidium, he looked back the way they had come.

“So, where is she?”

“The commander?  She’s meeting with Udina.”

“Ah.”

He was silent for a bit before he turned to her and asked, “ _How_ is she?”

Liara was slightly taken aback by the question.  She had never met the Lieutenant before he showed up on Mars with Shepard.  From what little she’d spoken to him, she’d realized he had been Shepard’s bodyguard, but little else.  

Unsure how much information she should share with him, she simply said, “About as well as can be expected.”

He smirked.  “So, not good, huh?”

When she didn’t reply, he said, “Listen, I know you don’t know me, and I gather that you and Shepard were, or are, good friends.  But I’ve spent almost every day of the last six months at her side.  Emotionally, they were not an easy six months for her.  And today, she had to leave a man she loves as a father behind on Earth, as it burned around him.  Then she watched as another man, someone she was obviously close with at some point, was beaten to within an inch of her life.  Now you are telling me that the people who are supposed to be helping us, aren’t going to.  So, I don’t really need to hear it from you to know that she isn’t doing well.  I was just hoping that she would have opened up to you about it.”

He looked away before he finished softly, “Because she isn’t really speaking to me right now.  And I might deserve it.”

Liara silently took in the man in front of her.  When she’d first seen him on Mars, she hadn’t really paid much attention to him.  But she was now.  He obviously cared a lot about Shepard.  She laid a hand on his shoulder.

“I did have a talk with her on the way here.  But she will need all of us to rally around her and keep her spirits lifted.  This will not be an easy journey, even if we do get Council help and can build this weapon.  I don’t need to tell you how important she is to this war.  And not just because she is an excellent soldier, but because she is Commander Shepard, and people _will_ rally around her.  Just continue to be by her side.”

He looked towards her and nodded, but otherwise didn’t answer.

“You should wait here for her to come out of her meeting.  Let her know I’ve gone ahead to see what I can make of the blueprints and send them on to Admiral Hackett.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

She smiled.  “You are welcome, Lieutenant.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard walked through the Normandy on her way to Liara’s quarters.  She’d just gotten done talking to Councilor Udina, and surprisingly, Councilor Sparatus had offered a solution to her problem with the Council.  They were now on their way to one of Palaven’s moons, Menae, to rescue their Primarch.  Sparatus had suggested that she appeal directly to leadership for help in the war.  He had also reinstated her Spectre status so that she’d have access to resources.  She had been completely surprised by all of this.  He had always been the one who seemed to dislike her the most.  She supposed it was the turian mind for war that helped him see the situation a little more realistically than the other two.

She’d also had a short chat with James and was relieved that he was acting at least somewhat normal again.  She would still need to have a chat with him about what happened on Mars, but at least he didn’t still want to leave.  It unnerved her that she had been so bothered by his desire to leave earlier.  She may have become a little too dependent on his company over the last several months.

The door to Liara’s quarters opened in front of her and she was shocked by all of the equipment that the asari had already set up in there. She noticed the information drone from the Shadow Broker’s ship floating around.

“Hello, Shepard.”

“Liara.  What is all this?”

“Well, Cerberus attacked my ship over Hagalaz shortly after you severed ties with them.  Feron and I took what we could and ran with it.  This is most of what I could salvage.  It’s enough for me to run my network and hopefully get information for you to help with the war effort.”

“Wow.”  She spun around, taking in all the monitors, information streaming across them.  Turning back to Liara, she asked, “So, how is Feron?”

Shepard was pleased to see a very slight blush appear on her friend’s cheeks.   _Good_ , she thought.

“He is fully recovered from the state we found him in six months ago.  He wanted to be of assistance, so he is on assignment now, collecting data on the Reapers.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it.”  She grinned.  “Glad to see you look so happy, too.  You deserve it.”

She was rewarded with another blush.  But Liara quickly recovered and countered.

“And you?  Moved on from the Major, have you?”

“What?” Laughing, she said, “No, I haven’t had time for that.  What with being on trial and all.”

Liara seemed genuinely surprised.  “Oh, I thought… Um, never mind.”

The asari quickly turned around and started fumbling with the console in front of her.  Shepard was completely baffled.  She had though what?

“Liara?  You had thought what?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.  You know me, I am completely inept when it comes to reading human emotions.”

“Uh huh.”

Turning back towards her, Liara tried to change the subject.

“So, we are headed to Menae?  What will we be doing there?”

Shepard stared the asari down for a minute before she finally decided to let her change the subject.  It didn’t matter anyways.  Whatever Liara _thought_ , there wasn’t anyone special in her life.  She hadn’t even talked to anyone in the last six months other than James, Anderson, Hackett, or the Admiralty Board.

“We’re going to rescue the turian Primarch.  Sparatus actually suggested it, as a means to bypass the Council.”  She laughed at Liara’s surprised look.  “Yeah, I was just as shocked.  He was actually incredibly civil _and_ helpful.  I guess giant death machines on your doorstep can change a person.  Too bad it didn’t work on the other two.  I get the feeling that Thessia and Sur’Kesh aren’t getting the same pressure that Earth and Palaven are yet.  Maybe they’ll change their minds when they do.”

“I can’t believe how stubborn they can be.”

“We have a phrase on Earth, ‘that’s just human nature’. I guess that it crosses species well enough.”

“Yes, it would appear so.  Shepard, you look exhausted.  This has been a long day.  You should go sleep for a bit before we get to Menae.”

She started to protest.  After all, she still needed to go talk to James about that stupid shuttle maneuver, but then she realized that she _was_ exhausted.  And who knew what they would find when they got close to Palaven?  She would need to be at her best.

“Yeah, you’re right.  Make sure you wake me when we get close, okay?”

“Of course.”

Shepard made her way up to her quarters.  Pausing only briefly to check her messages, she made her way over to her bed.  She was asleep within seconds of her head hitting the pillow.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Commander, you know what you have to do.”_

_“Don’t be Commander.  It’s the right call and we all know it.”_

 

Shepard sat up with a start at the sound of knocking on her door.  Rubbing her face to try and clear the nightmare from her head, she walked over and let Liara in.

“Commander, we’ll be at Menae in about thirty min-”  Liara stopped when she saw her face.  “Shepard, are you okay?”

“Just trying to shake off a nightmare.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“Back on Earth, during the attack, there was this little boy.  I tried to help him, but he ran away.  I watched him get on a shuttle and then watched a Reaper blow the shuttle to pieces.  I was chasing him through a burning forest in my dream, with Ash’s voice running through my head.  I just can’t stand the fact that I can’t save them all.”

“You are only one person, and the Reapers are incredibly powerful.  You may not be able to save everyone, but I think you have a good chance of defeating them.  Lean on your friends, Shepard.  That’s what we’re here for.  Even you can’t carry the fate of the entire galaxy on your shoulders without a little help.”

“Thank you, Liara.  I already feel better.  I’ll just freshen up a bit.  Can you tell Vega to meet us at the shuttle?”

She nodded.  “Shepard, there was one other thing I wanted to tell you.  After we pick up the Primarch, could we make a small detour to Eden Prime?”

“What for?”

“I’m not sure exactly, but Hackett sent me a message.  Apparently they have unearthed another Prothean relic of some importance and Cerberus has launched an attack in attempt to recover it.  If Cerberus wants it that bad, it may be important.  Maybe even related to this weapon.”

Shepard nodded.  “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Liara turned and left the room, and Shepard hurried to get ready.  Forty-five minutes later, she sat in the shuttle with James and Liara, watching the chaos all around them.  There were hundreds of turian ships out there, fighting against the Reapers and getting destroyed.  As she watched Palaven burning in the distance, she felt her stomach churn.  Liara must have been thinking the same thing she was as she looked at the monitor.

“Shepard!  Look at Palaven!”

She squeezed Liara’s shoulder, explaining to James, “We have an old friend there.”  Speaking to Liara, she said, “You know how tough Garrus is, Liara.  I’m sure he’s fighting like hell right now, taking down as many Reapers as he can with his rifle.”

Her friend reached up and squeezed her hand.

“I hope you’re right.”

She didn’t say it out loud, but Shepard sincerely hoped that she was, too.

 

 


	27. Garrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, according to my clock, it’s not technically Friday for another five minutes, so does that count? ;) No matter what, it was a two chapter week, so I’m happy about that!  
> I so, so, so appreciative of all of you continuing to read and leave feedback of all kinds!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

   

Garrus looked at the chaos all around him, at his home world burning in the distance, and found himself wondering how the hell the galaxy was going to survive this.  His people were putting up a decent fight against the Reapers-for now.  But even though they were experts in war, with the strongest military in the galaxy, they were only slowing them down.  Not for the first time today, he found himself wondering where Shepard was and what she was doing.  The last he’d heard was that Earth had been hit just as hard, and they’d pulled their fleets back.  But he’d heard nothing about Shepard.  He hoped she made it off planet.  They were going to need her in this fight.  Their only hope was if they all pulled together, and she was the only person he knew that would stand a chance of pulling that off.

Sighing, he pushed forward.  The only thing he could do right now was keep fighting.  He’d been separated from General Victus some time ago and had been trying to contact General Corinthus since.  But long range communication seemed to be down, so he had been slowly making his way towards the main encampment.  He must be getting close, because he was starting to get static.  Nothing he could make out yet, so he kept moving forward.  He stopped in his tracks only a few minutes later when the comms suddenly came back on, and he heard a very familiar voice.

_“General, do you read?  The comm tower is now operational.”_

That almost sounded like…

_“Much appreciated, Commander.  I’ll contact Palaven Command.”_

Commander?  Could it really be...

_“Let me know when you’ve got something.  I’ll help your men till I hear from you.”_

_“Understood.”_

_“Shepard out.”_

...Shepard!  Garrus picked up his pace, and tried to connect with Corinthus on a private channel.

 

 

* * *

 

  


The husks just kept dropping.  Along with Liara and James, she fought off wave after wave, trying to defend the newly repaired comm tower.  It was an endless assault, and she was amazed the turians had held out as long as they had.  She couldn’t stop her thoughts from drifting back to Earth and Anderson.  She said a quick, silent prayer that he was still fighting.

“Commander Shepard, come in.”

General Corinthus’ voice broke into her thoughts.

“Go ahead.”

“I have information from Palaven Command.  Please return ASAP.”

“On our way.”

She stuck around for a few more minutes to make sure that the turians had the tower defended, and then headed back towards the encampment.  Halfway there, Joker came over the comm informing them there was trouble with some of the Normandy’s systems.  She passed him off to Liara, since the asari was much better with that kind of thing than her, and headed over to the general’s post.

“What have you got?”

Corinthus looked over at her and said, “Succession is usually simple.  But right now, the hierarchy’s in chaos-so many dead or MIA.”

“I thought you said you had something?  Listen, I need someone!  I don’t care who, as long as they can get us the turian resources we need.”

Before the general could reply, Shepard heard a familiar voice, and turned to see a very welcome face walking towards them.

“I’m on it, Shepard.  We’ll find you the primarch.”

“Garrus!”  

She started towards her friend, but stopped in surprise when General Corinthus quickly snapped to attention in front of her, saluted and said, “Vakarian, sir...I didn’t see you arrive.”

“At ease, General.”

Garrus dismissed the general before turning back to Shepard and grinning.  She couldn’t help but return the expression as she said, “Damn good to see you.”

She was so relieved to see him that she didn’t even notice that James had walked up beside her until he cleared his throat.

“Oh!  James, I’d like you to meet Garrus Vakarian.  He worked with me on the original Normandy and also against the Collectors.  He’s one of the best soldiers I’ve ever met.  Garrus, this is Lieutenant James Vega.  He’s been my sparring partner the last six months.”

“Good to see you again, Lieutenant.  You look better than the last time I saw you.”  Tilting his head towards Shepard, he continued, “Thanks for keeping her safe.”

“It was my pleasure, but, um….how do I know you again?”

Shepard found herself wondering that as well.

Garrus simply pointed at the sniper rifle on his back and said, “Your batarian friend probably remembers me better.”

“Holy shit!  That was you on Omega?”  James let out a whistle.  “You’ve got skills!  That was one hell of a shot.  I appreciate it.”

“It’s all in the calibrations.”

Shepard was beyond confused at this point.  “Anyone care to explain to me what the hell you’re talking about?”

They both turned and looked at her in surprise, as if they’d completely forgotten she was there.  Garrus recovered first.

“I just gave Anderson a hand when he picked you two up on Omega.  I had some time before my flight and the Lieutenant here had gotten himself into a bit of a scrape.”

Shepard turned to James and raised her brow.

“Uh, nothing major, Lola.  Just a disagreement over a poker game.”

“Right.  I’ve played poker with you, and I know your tells.  Like the way you’re rubbing the back of your neck right now.”

Garrus laughed.  James was saved from responding when Liara walked up behind them, speaking to Shepard.

“Commander, I think I need to head back to the Normandy.  Something odd is going on, and we may need to make a quick exit.  I would-”

She suddenly stopped in her tracks.

“Garrus!  You’re alive!”

Chuckling, Garrus said, “Good to see you too, Liara.”

“Oh, I’m just so relieved.  I was worried when we saw Palaven.”

He grimaced.  “It’s not pretty, is it?”

“I’m sorry, Garrus.”

He just looked off towards the planet in the distance.  Liara put a hand on his shoulder in comfort and then turned back towards Shepard.

“As I was saying, I think I should go back and make sure we are ready to take off when you find the Primarch.”

Shepard nodded.  “Go ahead.”

After Liara walked away, Garrus spoke to Shepard, “General Corinthus filled me in on my way over here.  We’re looking for General Adrien Victus.”

“Do you know him?”

“I was fighting alongside him this morning.”

“What do I need to know about him?”

“I like him.  Most of the hierarchy doesn’t.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’s not a by-the-book kind of guy.  And you know how rigid the turian military usually is.”

Shepard smirked.  “Sounds like another turian I know.”

“Yes, well...like I said. _I_ like him.”

“Can I trust him?”

“Absolutely.  Personally, I think him being the next in line is the best thing that could have happened for you.  You’re going to need someone who is willing to think outside the box.”

She nodded.  “Good.  So where is he?”

General Corinthus broke in, “I haven’t been able to raise him on the comm yet.”

Just then, there was a horrible screeching overhead.

James shouted, “Harvester!”

Shepard pulled out her shotgun.

“All right.  General, keep trying to get ahold of Victus.  In the meantime, we’ll go take care of whatever that thing just dropped off.”  Turning to Garrus with a smirk, she said, “Coming Garrus?”

“Are you kidding?  I’m right behind you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard walked out of the medical bay, shaking her head.  She was very tempted to follow EDI’s new platform right up to the bridge and capture a vid of Joker’s reaction.  Instead she turned the other way and headed back towards the Battery to see how Garrus was settling in.  She was unsurprised to see him elbow deep in the main gun.

He must have heard her walk in, because he didn’t even look up as he asked, “So...did you figure out the problem with the power systems?”

“Yeah, funny story.  Remember the Cerberus mech I showed you?  The one that nearly killed Kaidan on Mars?”

He nodded and she continued.

“Well...EDI decided to install herself onto it so that she could accompany us on missions.”

Garrus just stared at her in surprise before he finally burst out laughing.

“Your ship was jealous that she couldn’t leave with the rest of your crew, so she stole a body?  I swear, Shepard.  They could cut out all of the big stuff, like Saren, the Collectors, Akuze...all of it.  They could still make your life story into an incredibly entertaining vid.”

“Laugh it up, big guy.  Just remember that you’ve also been involved in most of it.”

“So what does Joker think of the new EDI?”

“Don’t know.  I was tempted to follow her up and see his reaction, but I figured I’d let them have their moment.”

Laughing again, Garrus replied, “So, I take it you’re okay with it?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I actually think it’s a good idea.  I just wish she would have talked to me about it first.”

He shook his head.  “You know, if anyone else said that to me, I’d think they’d lost it.  After all, we _are_ fighting a war against giant, self-aware machines.”

“Believe me, that fact did cross my mind.  But I trust her.”

“I guess she’s been unshackled for a while now.  Plenty of time to take over the universe if that’s what she wanted.”

Shepard laughed and then pointed towards the main gun.  “So, I see you didn’t waste any time in making yourself at home.”

“Well, you know how it is.  Working on this stuff clears my head, calms me down.”

Her expression turned serious.  “I am sorry about Palaven, Garrus.  I know it’s not easy to leave it like that.  I know it wasn’t with Earth-especially with Anderson staying behind.”

“Have you heard anything from him?”

She shook her head.  “No.  How about your family?”

“Not yet.”

“Well, from what you’ve told me of your dad, I’m sure he’s still fighting somewhere.  Just like Anderson.”

“Yeah, I hope so.”  He sighed.  “We’ve known what was coming longer that most.  I’m not sure if that makes this easier to deal with or harder.”

“Yeah, I kinda feel like we should have been able to do more to be prepared.  But that’s kind of difficult when no one believes it.”

“Would you be surprised to hear that some in the hierarchy did?”

“Really?”

“Yeah.  Well, with a little nudge from my dad.  He happens to be well connected.  They gave me a task force, and I did what I could to get us prepared.  I hope it helped a little.”

“Wow, that’s great, Garrus.  So, is that why generals were saluting you on Menae?”

He snorted.  “I guess.  I became the _expert_ on Reapers, and looked at as an adviser.”

“So that’s what you’ve been up to since we split on Omega?”

He nodded.  “For the most part, yeah.  I’m sorry I didn’t contact you.  I kept tabs through Anderson, but he said most of your communication was being monitored.”

“Don’t worry about it.  They wouldn’t even let me use the extranet.  The only thing I had to look at were reports Hackett and Anderson would sneak in.  Luckily I had James around or I might have lost it.”

“Ah yes, the lieutenant.  So what’s with the...Lola?”

She laughed.  “I don’t think he calls anyone by their real name.  Ever.  So be prepared for a nickname of your own.  Somehow I became Lola.  He’s been a good friend, so I let him get away with it.”  Her expression turning serious again, she continued, “Seriously, though.  Some of those days...they did a good job of beating me down during those sessions.  I’m incredibly grateful that I had someone to lift me back up.”

“Good.  I’m glad.  He seems to be an incredibly capable soldier as well.”

“Yeah, I was impressed on Menae.  I hadn’t really had a chance to fight alongside him yet-a little on Mars, but not much.  He was highly recommended by Hackett, though, so I figured he would be a good soldier.”

He studied her face for a bit before changing the subject.

“So, we’re making a pit stop on Eden Prime?  What’s that about?”

“I’m not sure.  Some sort of Prothean artifact that Cerberus is willing to kill colonists over.  I think Hackett and Liara are hoping it will help with this weapon.”

“Well, even if it’s not, if it’s something Cerberus wants that bad, it’s safe to say it’s probably something that shouldn’t be in their hands.”

“Agreed.  Well, I’m going to go check on my pilot-make sure he’s not too distracted to actually fly now.  Can you get Liara and Vega together and meet me at the shuttle?  I want you three with me when we hit Eden Prime.”

He nodded and she started towards the door.  She stopped right before and turned back.

“Garrus?  I know it wasn’t easy to leave, but I want you to know how much I appreciate having you at my back right now.”

He smiled.  “You know I’m with you to the end, Shepard.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Garrus watched as Shepard and Liara wandered off to show their newest crew member to his quarters.  Liara was practically tripping over herself in an effort to ask him question after question.  Shepard was simply shaking her head.

“So, Scars...Are all the missions with the commander like this?”

Garrus looked over towards James, who had stepped up beside him.

“Scars?”

“Yeah.”  James pointed towards the right side of Garrus’ face, where he still had the scars from the rocket he’d taken in the face.  “Scars.”

Garrus laughed.  “I see.  Shepard warned me about your nicknames.  And to answer your question, yes, pretty much.”

“I figures.  You really didn’t seem all that surprised when a real, live Prothean showed up.  Neither did Lola.  On the other hand,  I think Doc just redefined ‘fangirling’.  I’ve certainly never seen anyone bounce like that.”

“Ha!  You should have seen her when she first met Shepard.  With the Prothean beacon in her head, Liara was fascinated.  Followed her around, constantly asking questions.  I’m pretty sure she even had a thing for her, but Shepard only had eyes for Alenko at that point.”

Garrus had never really forgiven Kaidan for what he’d said to Shepard on Horizon, and he failed to keep that out of his voice.  James raised a brow at him.

“I take it you’re not a fan?”

“I didn’t have a problem with him then, but he wasn’t exactly welcoming when we ran into him during our chase of the Collectors.”  He shrugged.  “I know she’s forgiven him, and maybe I should too, but she’s my best friend.  He hurt her, and that pissed me off.”

James shook his head.  “Yeah, I know the guy's laying in a hospital bed right now, but I wouldn’t jump on that forgiveness train just yet.  He was kind of an ass on Mars, too.”

“Really?”

“He was giving her a real hard time about Cerberus.  Kept asking if she knew why they were there, and he didn’t really believe her when she said she didn’t.  He even had the nerve to ask if she’d been modified like the soldiers we found there.”  He met Garrus’ eyes.  “They looked like husks.”

“Bastard.”

“That’s what I thought!  But Lola just kept trying to reason with him, and she never got mad.  I personally wanted to punch him.”

“I would have too.  But Shepard...she’s always been able to see through people.  And I’ve never really known her to hold a grudge.  She said she understood where Kaidan was coming from after he was so hurtful to her on Horizon.  I sure didn’t.  Spirits, I’m not even in love with her, and the only things I felt when I saw her for the first time after Aratoht were relief and joy.”

“Yeah, well, emotions _can_ do funny things to us humans sometimes-make us act crazy,” James admitted.  He quickly added, “But I still think he’s an ass.”

Garrus laughed.  “Me too.  But if Shepard asks me to play nice, I will.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“So...Shepard said that you were a lifesaver for her when she was in lockup.”

The lieutenant looked at him in surprise.  “She did?”

“She did.  She said you were a really good friend to her, and that she didn’t think she would have been able to keep her sanity if you hadn’t been there.  So, thank you.  We all need her at her best now.  I’m not sure anyone else would stand a chance with what we’re up against.  There’s no one else in the galaxy quite like her.”

James stared at the elevator that the woman in question had recently gone through, and simply said, “You can say that again.”

 

 


	28. Wrex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry I’m a little late with this one. My daughter had spring break this week and we decided to take a short trip out of town to get her a prom dress. And now I feel old. LOL But it was fun-gotta take these moments while I still can. :)  
> Thanks, as always, for the feedback. It makes my day every time.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard was nervously pacing in her quarters, her head spinning.  She hadn’t had many moments to herself since the Reapers had invaded Earth.  What little time she was able to set aside for sleep had been constantly interrupted by nightmares.  This war had just started and she was already feeling exhausted-and more worried than she’d ever been in her life.  She had known that this was not going to be easy since her first encounter with Sovereign, but even she had not been prepared for the devastation the Reapers had managed to accomplish in just a few days.  She’d watched as friends were injured, cities were decimated, and innocent lives were cut short.

And she still hadn’t heard from Anderson.  She’d spoken to Hackett earlier and he hadn’t heard anything from him either.  He’d tried to hide his worry from her, but she’d seen it in his eyes.  They both knew that Anderson was an incredibly capable soldier, but he was up against an enemy unlike any that they had seen before.  Hackett did say that he’d heard about a resistance movement on Earth, and she knew that they were both clinging to the hope Anderson had joined up with them.

Specialist Traynor’s voice broke into her thoughts, letting her know that both Wrex and Dalatrass Linron were ready to board the Normandy to meet with Primarch Victus and herself.

She ordered Traynor to have them brought to the conference room before adding, “And hope this doesn’t start another war.”

When they’d arrived at the location twenty minutes ago, the krogan and salarian ships had been waiting just out of weapons range of each other and had asked to use the Normandy as a neutral meeting ground.  They didn’t seem that ready to work together, and she wasn’t sure how to convince them to.  Frankly, she was short on patience and not optimistic.  Sighing, she made her way to the elevator, bracing herself for the fight she knew was coming.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later she was standing in the hangar, toe-to-toe with Wrex and having flashbacks to Virmire.  Only this time, she was the one who was pissed off.

“What the hell was that, Wrex?  You couldn’t give me a heads up?  Now I’ve got a pissed off dalatrass to deal with on top of everything else the galaxy has thrown at me in the last week.”

She took a step towards the krogan and stuck her finger in his chest.

“You are a manipulative ass!  You knew that the turians couldn’t afford to refuse you and that I would feel compelled to support you.  For fuck’s sake, Wrex, nothing I said in there was untrue-I believe that the krogan deserve this.  But couldn’t you have waited until we weren’t in the middle of fighting the fucking Reapers?”

She took a step back and Wrex just watched patiently as she calmed herself with a few deep breaths.  She was close to her breaking point and Wrex’s little stunt had pushed her that much further.

“You feel better now, Shepard?”  She nodded and Wrex laughed before continuing, “You know I had to do it now.  We wouldn't have had the leverage to convince her otherwise.  You know that she would never have agreed to it if her back wasn’t against the wall.  And I didn’t give you a _heads up_ because I thought it would be better for _you_ if you were genuinely surprised.  She would be even more angry with you if she thought you had come in there with intention of pressuring her.”

Shepard sighed.  “Goddammit, I hate it when you’re right, Wrex.”

The krogan just laughed and said, “I know.”

“So, we’re on our way to Sur’Kesh to rescue some fertile female krogan that hold the key to curing the genophage.”  She looked up at him.  “We never do anything halfway, do we?”

“Ha!  No point.”  Wrex shook his head and then turned serious.  “Shepard, you look like shit.  Have you been sleeping at all?”

“Thanks.  And no, not really.  There’s just too much to do.”

He studied her a bit before he said, “That’s just part of it, isn’t it?”

She gave a shrug but didn’t answer, so Wrex continued.

“Listen, Shepard, you don’t get to be around as long as I have without seeing a few things.  I know the nightmares that come with this kind of crap.  If you don’t talk about them, the ghosts will haunt you forever.”

“Wrex, what if…”

She trailed off, so he finished for her.

“What if you don’t win?  Hell, Shepard!  This isn’t all on your shoulders.  You do know that, don’t you?  Share the load.”  He nudged her with his arm and said, “You’re going to win anyways.  You’ve got the krogan.”

She gave a short laugh and looked up at him.  “Thanks, Wrex.”

“Yeah, yeah.  Don’t mention it.  Now can you go tell your boy over there that I’m not going to kill you?”

She followed the direction of his tilted head and was surprised to see James staring warily at them from his station on the other side of the hangar.  His right hand was lightly resting on his shotgun.

Laughing, she said, “James!  Come over here and meet Urdnot Wrex.  You can leave the shotgun there, he doesn’t bite...often.”

James walked up, eyeing them both suspiciously.

“Everything okay over here, Lola?”

“What?  You mean that little bit of yelling I was doing?”  She waved her hand dismissively.  “It’s just a thing Wrex and I do.  Every couple of years we feel the need to test each other.  At least we didn’t have weapons this time...and no innocent fish died.”

Wrex laughed as James shook his head.

“You are completely loco, Lola.  You know that right?”

“And that’s why you love me.”

“One of the reasons.”

“Aw shucks, you’ll make a girl blush, Vega.  I’d love to sit here and let you ‘count the ways’, but I need to get ready to hit Sur’Kesh.  Wrex, fill James in.  He’ll be coming with us.  I’ll get Garrus to come too.  I know he missed your pretty face.”

She laughed as Wrex just growled and James eyed the krogan suspiciously.

Walking towards the elevator, she called over her shoulder, “Be good boys.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, they were once again on the move.  This time they were headed to Tuchanka to synthesize and distribute a genophage cure to the krogan.  Their mission on SurkKesh had not gone smoothly.  All but one of the female krogan had died from complications due to the barbaric methods that Maelon had used.  And Cerberus had been there in full force trying to beat them to her.  Shepard wasn’t sure what type of game the Illusive Man was trying to play,but she did know that she didn’t like it.

She _was_ happy to find out that Wrex’s inside source had actually been Mordin.  Although he didn’t come right out and say it, she could see that the salarian felt guilty about the part he’d played in keeping the genophage going.  He had really taken to the female.  She was a shaman and had given up her name, so Mordin had dubbed her ‘Eve’.  Shepard was glad to have Mordin back aboard the ship.  Even though they had picked up Dr. Chakwas at the Citadel, the salarian’s expertise was invaluable.  

Shepard had just finished talking with Eve.  She found that she really liked the krogan female.  She would certainly make an excellent partner for Wrex and help him to lead the krogan into a brighter future.  If the dalatrass would give them a chance and take a moment to have a conversation with Eve, she might feel a bit better about the decision to cure the genophage.  Eve had lived an incredible life and overcome many obstacles, but she maintained a positive attitude.  Most of all, she was calm, even-tempered, and logical-all traits the salarian would appreciate if they gave her a chance.

But she couldn’t worry about that now.  Apparently, she had a turian crew crashed on Tuchanka during some top-secret mission to worry about.  She wasn’t sure exactly what Victus was keeping from her and Wrex, but she figured it wasn’t good.  She was perpetually cleaning up other people’s messes.  The fact that they kept making them, even in the middle of the war to end all wars, boggled her mind.  She was actually on her way to talk to Wrex about another _secret_.  

She walked into the War Room to see him adjusting his armor and laughed.

“Problems Wrex?”

He grunted in reply and she just laughed harder.

“I take it you are regretting being so eager to provide Mordin with a _sample_?”

“Yeah, well...scalpels just don’t belong in some places.”

“Poor Wrex.”  She laughed again when he growled at her.  “So what did you need to talk to me about?  You said something about missing scouts?”

“Yeah.  You’re not going to like this.  They were investing reports of _rachni_ activity.”

“Rachni?  Shit.  I told her to behave herself.”

“Yeah, and I told you that it would bite you in the ass someday.”

“We don’t know anything yet, right?”

He shook his head.  “No, we didn’t get anything from them before they disappeared.  But I thought you’d want to know about it first.”

“Thanks, Wrex.  We’ll go take a look.”

She headed up to the bridge to let Joker know they needed to make a quick detour before getting to Tuchanka, hoping that she wouldn’t end up regretting her decision to let the queen go back on Noveria.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“The genophage wasn’t enough?  You had to plant a bomb on my planet!”

“The decision was made hundreds of years ago.  So much has changed.”

“Not enough to tell us about the bomb, coward!”

Shepard walked out of her briefing with Hackett to see Wrex and Victus going at it in the War Room.  In the last twenty-four hours she had run into new abominations created by the Reapers, freed the Rachni Queen from their control, gave Grunt an order that killed all of his men and almost killed him too, and watched as the Primarch’s son sacrificed himself to save krogan lives.  She had reached her breaking point.

“ _ENOUGH_!”

They both turned towards her in surprise.

“I am _done_ acting like a mother while all of you run around acting like fucking children!  You two are grown men.  You are here because you are responsible for your entire races.  Act like it.  I’ll give you my opinion, but I am done solving your problems for you.  I have enough to deal with.”

She turned to Wrex.  “The bomb was stupid and unnecessary.  But Victus didn’t put it there.  In fact, he tried to fix it.  He shouldn’t have kept it a secret, but he paid a pretty high price for doing so.  It’s been taken care of.  Right now, we need to focus on getting this cure done and dispersed to your people.”

Shepard turned to Victus.  “Primarch, I am truly sorry about your son.  I wish I could have done something.”

“You did, Commander.  You helped to make sure that he died with honor.  For a turian, that is incredibly important.  So I thank you for that.”

She nodded.  “I’m going up to the bridge to have Joker bring us in.  You two work out your issues _like adults_ and meet me down by the shuttle.”

They watched her walk out of the room and then turned towards each other.  Wrex was the first to break the silence.

“Don’t pull another stunt like that, Turian.”

“Noted.”

“Good.”

They both turned back towards the door Shepard had just walked through.

Wrex gave a small laugh and said, “She reminds me of some of the more formidable krogan females I’ve known.”

“That’s funny because I was thinking she’d make a good turian.”

“Hmph.  Well, let’s just say she’s one hell of a woman.”

“On _that_ we can agree.”

 

 

* * *

 

  
  


Shepard stood on the surface of Tuchanka, watching the Shroud burn and crumble to the ground.  She was bruised, battered, covered in thresher maw acid, and more exhausted than she had ever been in her life.  And not just physically.  Mordin had stayed in the Shroud to ensure that the cure was dispersed, giving his life to make sure the krogan had a future.  How much was was this war going to take?  How many incredibly brave people were going to give their lives so that others could live?  She knew there would be many more.  She just didn’t know how much more of it she could take before she broke completely.  Feeling a heavy hand fall onto her shoulder, she sighed.

“Was it worth it, Wrex?”

“I hope so.  I can tell you that Bakara and I will do everything in our power to make it so.”

“Bakara?”

“Yes Commander.”  Shepard turned towards ‘Eve’ as she walked up to stand at her opposite side.  "I believe you deserve to know my real name.  And I will ensure that Mordin's sacrifice will not be forgotten, nor will it be in vain."

“Shepard, I don’t really know how to thank you for what you did here.  Or for everything you’ve ever done for me.  You are family.  You are Urdnot.”

“Thanks Wrex.”

Her smile was half-hearted and she knew he could tell as he intensely studied her face.

“Shepard, you’re not going to make it if you keep going like this.  You need to listen to what I said earlier and find some sort of outlet.  You have plenty of people around you that care about you.”  He tilted his head towards the shuttle where James and Garrus stood waiting.  “They will carry some of the burden for you if you let them.”

“We all have burdens in this war, Wrex.  I don’t need to add to anyone else’s.”

Bakara broke in, saying, “Shepard, I’m not trying to add to the weight on your shoulders by saying this, but you are the one that is going to lead us all through this.  You cured the genophage and formed an alliance between krogan and turian.  No one else could have pulled that off.  We need you.  I know this, _they_ know this, _everyone_ knows this.  And we’re all willing to do whatever it takes to help you.  It will be far worse for them if you don’t let them help and you end up collapsing under the weight of it all.”

Wrex gripped her shoulders and forced her to meet his eyes as he said, “Only a fool doesn’t accept the hand that is offered with no strings attached.  And you are no fool, Shepard.”

“Okay, Wrex.  I’ll try.  I was planning on hitting the Citadel to restock and refuel.  Maybe I’ll take some time to recharge as well.”

Sighing, Wrex said, “I suppose that’s a start.  You realize you’re only listening to half of what I say, right?  Stubborn human.”

“I learned from the best.”

"You did.  Take care of yourself, Shepard-I mean it.  And thank you.  For everything."

As Wrex watched her walk back towards the shuttle, he pulled up his omni-tool and started typing a message.


	29. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I wrote this chapter, got halfway, scrapped it, and started over about five times this week. I was struggling with a way for James to get Shepard to open up. It finally took Wrex’s voice in my head telling me that she was as stubborn as a krogan for me to realize there WASN'T a way to make that happen. She just needed to reach her breaking point on her own- and he just needed to be there when she did. Which, it seems, is going to take two chapters. And yes, these two are incredibly dense when it comes to their feelings towards each other. ;-)  
> Again, I’m playing with the in-game timeline just a tiny bit. And some events may change ever so slightly to get me where I need to go. Hope you don’t mind. :)  
> Thanks for all the continued feedback! You guys are awesome and those notifications just keep me motivated! :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard hadn’t _lied_ to Wrex.  Not exactly.  She really had been planning on heading to the Citadel next.  But then Traynor had intercepted the message from Grissom Academy and discovered Cerberus’ involvement.  She couldn’t very well sit on that information and not try to help those kids.  So, even though she and her crew were exhausted to the bone, they were currently fighting their way through Cerberus troops and _not_ relaxing on the Citadel.

They’d received a transmission from the director of the academy, Kahlee Sanders, saying that Cerberus was trying to take the students.  They were currently trying to get to her.  She’d locked herself into the security server room, but there was a squad of Cerberus soldiers trying to break in.  Shepard’s team took them out quickly and then made their way inside.

They were greeted by a blonde woman pointing a shotgun at them.  Quickly realizing who had entered, she put away her gun.

“Commander Shepard, thank you.  Admiral Anderson always said you were the best.  And with Cerberus coming after my students, I need the best.”

“Anderson?”

“Yes, I’ve known him a long time.  Close to twenty years.  I was there when Saren betrayed him.  David saved my life that day.  He’s a good man.”

“David?  How close-”  Shepard stopped and shook her head.  Lack of sleep was messing with her manners.  “Sorry, that is _none_ of my business.”

The woman in front of her laughed and said, “No, it’s all right.  We _were_ close.  Close enough for me to know how close _you_ are with him.”

“Ah.  Well.  It still wasn’t any of my business, but I’m glad you told me."  She paused before continuing.  "Kahlee...he was with me when Earth got hit.  He...stayed behind while I escaped on the Normandy.”

“Is he...still alive?”

Shepard shook her head.  “I don’t know.  I hope so.  We haven’t heard anything from him.”

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see James had walked up beside her.

He smiled and said, “He’s tough, Commander.  I’m sure he’s still giving the Reapers hell back on Earth.”

She smiled back and nodded.  “I’m sure you’re right, James.  Thanks.  Can you and Garrus go watch the door while I go over the situation with Kahlee?”

He nodded and she turned back to Kahlee as he walked away.

“I’m sure James is right.  He’s smart, and he knows the enemy better than most.  I have heard of a resistance movement, and I’m sure he’s part of that.”

“If you talk to him, can you tell him…just tell him I said to stay alive.”

“Will do.  So, what’s the situation here?  How many kids are on the station?”

“There’s only about twenty of us left.  Myself, a few instructors, and some of our higher-level engineering and biotic students.  Everyone else evacuated when we first heard of the invasion.  These kids wanted to stay and help the war.”

“Help how?”

“Well, the engineering students were working on prototyping tech.  The biotics have been training for military operations-working together as biotic artillery.”

“Are you serious?  You’re giving these kids a crash-course and expecting them to go to war against the Reapers?”

Kahlee shrugged.  “I know it seems crazy-and it might be.  They might never see a battlefield.  But they wanted to help.  How could we say no with the entire galaxy falling apart?”

Shepard didn’t get a chance to reply.  One of the instructors came over the comm, saying the students were pinned down by Cerberus troops.  After getting directions from Kahlee, Shepard and her team took off towards Orion Hall.  Fighting their way through several squads of Cerberus troops,  they managed to rescue a couple of students along the way.  They made their way into the hall to see a group of students and a woman fighting against several troopers.  The woman took them out with an impressive display of biotics.  Then she turned ever so slightly and Shepard stopped in her tracks.

“Jack?”

The woman in question turned quickly towards her, a surprised look on her face.

“Shepard?”

Their reunion was cut short by a loud noise from one of the doors leading into the hall.  An atlas was attempting to get through, and it fired a missile towards one of the students.  Jack’s biotics flared and she rushed to the boy’s side, firing up a biotic sphere to deflect it.  Once the student had gotten away, Jack took a fighting stance, the air around her crackling as her fists glowed a bright blue.  Shepard heard James let out a whistle next to her.

“Damn.  Hot _and_ deadly.”

“You have no idea,” Garrus chimed in with a snort.

Shepard felt a flash of annoyance and glared back at them.  “Can you two shut up for a second and just focus on the mission please?”

Two sets of eyes widened in surprise, but they wisely chose not to respond.  Shepard wasn’t sure why she had snapped at them.  Their banter had never affected their performance, nor had it ever bothered her before.  Lack of sleep was really getting to her.  Shaking her head, she turned back towards the atlas, which had fully entered the room and was winding up to fire another missile towards Jack.  

She motioned to her team and they all started firing on the mech.  As she’d hoped, it turned it’s attention towards them.  Jack took off to protect her students, leaving it all to them.  The atlas was joined by several of his buddies, and it took them a good amount of time to finally clear the area.  She looked up to the balcony as Jack laughed down at her.

“Kahlee said she was putting out an SOS.  I had no idea the queen of the Girl Scouts would show up.”

She turned and gave some instruction to her students, then leapt off the balcony.  Shepard wasn’t prepared when she walked right up to her and punched her in the face.

“Jack, what the _fuck_?”

The other woman pointed her finger in Shepard’s face.  “Damn it, how many times did I tell you not to trust Cerberus?”

“Jesus, Jack!  First of all, when did I ever give you the impression that I _trusted_ Cerberus?  Second, you don’t think I feel guilty for having to work with them?”

“Boo fucking hoo, Shepard.  Go tell all the people they killed that you feel _guilty_ -I’m sure they’ll be so relieved.”

“Hey!”  James stepped forward and got into Jack’s face before Shepard had a chance to stop him.  “She didn’t have a choice to work with them.  And she saved thousands of lives when she took out the Collectors!  So calm the fuck down and let’s focus on getting out of here, huh?”

Shepard winced and waited for Jack to go off, but she was surprised when she just took a step back and smirked.

“Relax, big boy.  I’m just busting her balls because it’s fun.”  She flicked her eyes towards Shepard.  “So, who’s the hot knuckledragger, Shepard?”

Shepard was again surprised at the irritation that passed through her when Jack very obviously let her gaze roam all over James.  And it just grew when he actually _blushed_ and then Garrus chuckled.  What the hell was her problem?  

Luckily, she was saved from thinking too much on it when Cortez came over the radio.  It looked like they had lost their shuttle ride.  She contacted Kahlee, and they quickly came up with another exit strategy while Jack got her students ready.  They decided to take separate routes, keeping Jack and the students up above.

"I like it," James remarked.  "Keeps them safe."

 _Keeps 'them' safe_ , Shepard thought, _or keep 'her' safe_?

Where the hell had that thought come from?  Shepard knew that he genuinely cared for the safety of the students.  And even if he did care about a certain 'hot and deadly' biotic, what did it matter?

“You okay, Lola?”

She looked up at James and wondered what sort of expression she’d been wearing to warrant the the one of concern he wore.

She just nodded and started towards the door, saying, “Yeah.  Let’s go get these students out of here.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later, James was cleaning his shotgun in the hangar when Shepard walked up next to him.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Lola.  What’s up?”

“I just wanted to let you know that we’re heading to the Citadel now.  I just spoke with the Salarian Councilor, and he has some important info to go over.  I figured we would stay a couple days so everyone has a chance to unwind a bit before we head back out.”

“Sounds good.  We could all use it.”

She just nodded but didn’t say anything else.  She seemed like there was something else on her mind, but he knew she would talk when she was ready and not before.  

So, he just smirked and said, “That Jack is a mean S.O.B.  But kinda hot.”

Shepard’s eyes narrowed and the look she gave him matched the one he’d received earlier in the day.  It wasn’t pleasant.

“I-if you like that sort of thing,” he stuttered.

“Do you?”

“Huh?”

“You interested in Jack, Lieutenant?”

“What?  No!  Not really, I just...you know.”

“No, I don’t know.”

“It’s just how I am, it’s just my way.  And you know I appreciate a tough chick, Lola.”

“It’s Commander.”

And with that she spun on her heel and marched back to the elevator.  He could see Cortez in the distance, an amused look on his face.  Once the doors closed behind her, the pilot let out a whistle.

“Damn, Vega.  You sure are smooth with the ladies!”

“I have no idea what that was.  What _was_ that?”

Cortez just laughed, shook his head and went back to his supply order.  Seeing he was going to be getting no help from that corner, James thought back to the message he’d received from Wrex after they’d left Tuchanka.

 

_Hey kid,_

_You and I both know that she is not going to make it through another week of this war at the current pace, let alone be able to see it through to the end.  I tried talking to her, but she’s as stubborn as...well, me.  What I know (but she won’t say) is that she is being haunted by all the people she couldn’t save.  They aren’t letting her sleep-and today is just going to add to that.  She needs to talk about it, but it has to be on her terms.  I talked to Garrus, and he said that you had been able to get her through rough times when she was locked up.  You need to figure out a way to do that again.  If there is anything that I can do to help, let me know.  I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay._

_~Wrex_

 

Wrex was right, and he needed to try and find a way to get her to relax.  He wasn’t sure how to do that when she seemed so angry at him.  Shepard had been acting weird all day.  James knew that she was under a lot of pressure, and it was obvious to everyone that she was having trouble sleeping.  Maybe she was still mad at him from Mars and lack of sleep was making it show more.  They hadn’t really talked much since then, and he _had_ been acting like an ass that day.  Yeah, that must be it.  He turned back to his gun, happy to have the task in front of him.  

Guns were much, _much_ simpler than people.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard couldn’t believe this was happening.  This day kept getting shittier and shittier, and it was really starting to piss her off.  They’d arrived at the Citadel to find it under attack from Cerberus.  She’d found the Salarian councilor, who told her that Udina had been behind the attack and was working for Cerberus.  Then she’d watched as Thane was stabbed through the abdomen by a Cerberus assassin with a fucking sword.  And now she and Kaidan were pointing their guns at each other.  

“Kaidan, I can explain.”

“I don’t know, Shepard.  Gun drawn on a councilor?  Kinda looks bad.”

“ _Pendejo_!”  Shepard jumped when James cursed next to her.  “Listen to her for once!  The traitor is standing behind you not in front of you.”

Kaidan’s eyes lingered on James for a second before he turned them back to Shepard in question.  She put her gun down and indicated for the rest of her team to do so as well.

“Udina is working with Cerberus.  Councilor Valern confirmed it.  Kaidan, please.  You _know_ me.”

“I…”

After staring at her for several seconds, he sighed and started to lower his gun.

“Screw this!  I’m not going to stand here and wait for Cerberus to take us out!  I’m opening that elevator.”

They all turned in surprise to see Udina standing at the control panel.  Tevos tried to stop him, but he shoved her to the ground and drew a gun.

Before anyone else could react, Shepard heard a shot from behind her and Udina fell to the ground with a hole in his chest.  She whipped around to see James holding his rifle.  Anger flared from somewhere deep inside her.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

His eyes widened in surprise.  “Um, shooting the bad guy?  Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?”

She took a deep breath to calm her anger.  “Cover the door.”

“Aye aye, Commander.”

She turned back towards Kaidan, who of course had his gun once again pointed towards her.  She knew he’d react that way.  James had been too quick to shoot-he should have given Kaidan the chance.

Sighing, she said, “He’s not wrong, Kaidan.  Udina was the bad guy, but you’re not going to believe me for sure until you have proof.  Are you?”

“I don’t kn-”

He was interrupted by James shouting, “Commander!  Door!”

Tension forgotten for now, they all turned towards the elevator, weapons drawn.  Shepard was shocked to watch Commander Bailey and two of his men step out.  Councilor Tevos stepped forward.

“Somethings not right.  You said Cerberus was targeting us-where did their soldiers go?”

“Cerberus was right here,” Bailey answered.  “But they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming.  Sorry Coucilor, I’ll say it plain: Shepard just saved the lot of you.”

As Tevos and Sparatus moved in to thank her, Shepard caught Kaidan's eye.  She offered him a smile, but he just looked away.  Despite the fact that they'd stopped the coup and saved the Council, she couldn't stop the feeling of disappointment that washed over her with that simple gesture.  They’d talked a couple times while he’d been recuperating in the hospital, and she thought they’d cleared the air.  She’d understood his hesitation when she’d first shown up with a gun aimed at them.  He was just doing his job and being a good Spectre.  But Bailey’s words confirmed her story, so why was he turning away from her now?

 

 

* * *

 

 

After giving her statement to the Council and tying up a few loose ends with Commander Bailey, Shepard made her way to the Normandy, purely exhausted.  When she walked through the doors to the airlock and saw Kaidan standing there, her heart sank.  She did not want to go through this right now.  But he surprised her by simply asking permission to serve aboard the Normandy.  She could tell there was more on his mind, but now wasn’t the time.  After granting his request, she told him they would need to talk more later and he agreed.

She wanted nothing more than to go straight towards her quarters and hide for days, but she had one more thing she needed to take care of.  She headed towards the hangar and went straight towards James’ nook.  She wasn’t surprised to see him working on his shotgun.  It was his way to deal with stress-either that or his punching bag.  She walked up behind him and cleared her throat.  He didn’t respond.

“James?”

Nothing.

“Lieutenant?”

He still didn’t respond, but she saw his shoulders tense.  She sighed.

“I think we need to talk.”

He finally spun around, and she was completely taken aback by the anger she saw burning in his eyes.

“I’m not sure now is the best time, _Commander._ ”

She winced at the emphasis that he put on her rank.  She knew she had been short with him the last few days, and for no good reason.  And honestly, she didn’t know _why_.  She needed to apologize, but it was clear that he wasn’t ready to hear it right now.  Thinking quickly, she came up with another plan.  She smirked at him.

“Okay.  You don’t want to talk.  How about a dance?”


	30. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, these two are still being stubborn, but they are definitely getting closer. And at least one of them is being honest with themselves….somewhat. ;-)  
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to read and give feedback in all it’s forms. You guys are the best!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

 

James didn’t answer right away.  The fire in his eyes when he finally agreed made Shepard think that this was going to end up being either a very good idea or a very _bad_ one.  

Neither of them had their equipment aboard the Normandy, so they simply made their way to the center of the hangar bay, where they would have the most space to maneuver.  They started by slowly circling each other, each throwing a few easily deflected jabs.  After a couple minutes, Shepard finally said something.

‘C’mon, James.  I’ve been a total bitch to you the last couple of days.  Don’t you want to hit me harder than that?”

He shuffled back out of her reach and gave her an incredulous look before replying.

“You think I’m pissed off because you’ve been _cranky_?”

Even though she was completely confused by his response, her comment still had the effect she’d wanted.  He came in and started truly boxing with her.  They went at it for several minutes in complete silence, easily falling into their old routine.  She’d always told him to not hold back, and as it turned out, her speed and agility against his brute force made them an excellent match in the ring.

Finally, Shepard asked, “So why _are_ you pissed off?”

“Three words: Major.  Fucking.  Pendejo.”

He emphasized the last three words with a combination of punches that left her reeling-as did the words themselves.  What in the world did Kaidan have to do with this?

“Kaidan?”

He shrugged.  “Sure.  Kaidan, _Cabrón_...whatever.”

“What about him?”

“Not really so much about him as about you continuing to let him be an asshole to you.”

“What are you tal-aah!”

They had been trading jabs back and forth the entire time.  Shepard was seriously confused by the direction this conversation had taken, and as a result, she was caught off guard when James did a sweep, and she landed on her back.  She didn’t even bother trying to get up before finishing her question.

“James, tell me what you are talking about.”

He shook his head, then reached down and helped her to her feet.  

“Listen, I get you are the commander, and you make the decisions, but I can’t figure out why you keep siding with the guy who has no respect for you, keeps insulting you, and obviously doesn’t trust you.”

They fell back into their ‘dance’ before she answered.

“Siding with him?  Since when are there sides?”

“Since fucking Mars!”

“Mars?”

“Yeah, you sent me back to the shuttle, and kept the Major with you to fight off Cerberus.  You let him question your every move along the way.  It sure sounded like he was someone important to you-at least at some point.  Why do you keep letting him do that to you?”

James stuttered his steps when he met her eyes to ask the question, and it was Shepard's turn to sweep him into his back.  Instead of helping him back to his feet however, she pinned him down and got right in his face as she answered.

“Two things, James.  First, I would like to remind you that you were behaving like a five year old child at the time as well.  Second, Kaidan and I _have_ been through a lot.  Because of that, I know him, and I know how he thinks.  I kept him with me precisely because of that.  It wasn’t about allowing him to be an ass so much as allowing him to work through it on his own time.  I fully plan on calling him out at that point.”

She got up and helped him to his feet before continuing with a wry grin.

“Also, I thought your comms weren’t working while we were on Mars.”

“Uh, yeah...well, most of the time they weren’t. But I definitely could hear you better than you could hear me.”

Shepard was about to reply when Traynor came over the comm.

“Commander, I’m sorry to interrupt.  But I have Admirals Hackett _and_ Anderson on the QEC for you.”

Anderson!  Her heart leapt.  She was torn-she wanted to solve this with James, but Anderson was alive!  Looking up at James, she watched his expression soften.

“Go, Lola.  I understand, I promise.”

“Thank you, James.  I’m not done with this conversation, though.  Can you meet me in my quarters in an hour?”

He nodded.  She took off towards the elevator as fast as she could, anxious to speak with the man who was like a father to her-the man she had feared was dead for the last week.

 

 

* * *

 

 

An hour later, Shepard stepped out of shower feeling hundred times better than she had.  Anderson had looked exhausted, and he wouldn’t ever be safe until the Reapers were defeated, but he was alive and fighting.  And he had perked up when she’d relayed Kahlee’s message.  Shepard smiled, thinking to herself how she was going to tease him relentlessly about that when this war was over.

She was pulled from her thoughts by EDI informing her that James was requesting access to her quarters.  Quickly throwing on yoga pants and an old N7 t-shirt, she told EDI to let him in.

Peeking out the bathroom door as he walked in, she said, “Hey, James.  I’ll be just a sec-my conversation with the admirals went a little longer than I expected.  Make yourself comfortable.”

Taking in the fish tank, display cases, and leather furniture, he turned to her with a smirk.

“Shouldn’t be too difficult with digs like this.”

“Yeah, well, command has some perks,” she said as she slipped back into the bathroom.

She quickly dried her hair and then threw it up into a sloppy bun.  Making her way into the other room, she sat down on the couch opposite from James.

“Hope you don’t mind that I’m in my civvies.  I haven’t been out of either my armor or my uniform since leaving Earth.”

He shrugged, saying, “Doesn’t bother me, Lola.  So, how’s Anderson?”

She smiled at him.

“He’s alive and fighting, just like you said.  Leading the resistance.  It was good to talk to him and see his face.  I’ve been so worried about him.”

“I know, and I’m really glad I was right.”

“Me too.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes before James started fidgeting and said, “Look, I’m sorry.  I was out of line down there, and it’s really none of my business...”

Shepard held up a hand to stop him.

“No, James, it’s okay.  I get it.  In fact, I want to apologize to you.”

“To me?  For what?”

“I kept meaning to come talk to you after Mars, but time just kept getting away from me.  I knew you were upset-about leaving Earth, about me sending you back to shuttle, all of it.  And then...the last few days have just been crazy and horrible and I took it out on you.  I don’t know what came over me at Grissom.”  She paused and gave a short laugh.  “You’re going to laugh when I say this, but it was almost like I felt _jealous_ about the way you were talking about Jack.”

“Jealous?”

“I know.  Crazy, right?  I don’t know...I think it’s just that for the last six months, when I was in lockup, it was you and me against everyone else, you know?  And as incredibly stupid as it was, I went a little bit nuts when suddenly you were joking with Garrus or flirting with Jack...or whatever.  God!  It’s sounds so completely insane when I say it out loud!”

James moved just a bit closer to her on the couch and reached over to grab her hand.

“No, it doesn’t.  Or...if it does, then we both went a little crazy.  Because that’s exactly how I felt on Mars.  Suddenly there were other people that you could turn to for help and for some reason, that made me feel….I dunno…”  He shrugged.  “I guess what I mean is: I get it.”

“Maybe that’s just what happens to people when they go from six months of isolation and then straight into the eye of the storm.  I’m just glad that you decided to stay and not go back to Earth.”

He smiled.  “Me too, Lola.”

“So...James, I have to ask.  What was the stunt with the shuttle all about?”

“I..”  He looked away.  “I don’t exactly know...I just knew I couldn’t let Cerberus get away, and that was something I could do.”

“But there’s more to it, isn’t there?  James, that was completely reckless.  You’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself.”

“Yeah, well...I guess I didn’t really think it through.”

“I’m not buying it.  It almost seemed like you just didn’t care.”

His eyes snapped back towards hers.  “What are you saying?  That I was trying to _kill myself_?”

“No, not precisely.  Just that you didn’t consider any other options because you didn’t _care_ , like you thought it didn’t matter if you lived or died.”

He didn’t answer.  Instead he just looked away again, which was answer enough for her.  She got up from where she was sitting and crouched down in front of him, forcing him to meet her eyes.

“Lieutenant James Vega, you are not allowed to do anything like that again.  It does matter.  You are an excellent soldier and an even better man.  You were my lifeline in Vancouver.  Then I watched you crash that shuttle and...I had just left Anderson back on Earth-to die for all I knew at the time-and the Reapers were attacking in full force.  Basically, everything was going to hell, and I thought I had just watched one of my best friends kill himself in one stupid move.”

She paused, taking in a deep, shaky breath as she felt tears threatening to fall.  All of the loss she had witnessed in the last week was finally catching up to her.  She was glad they were in her quarters and only James was around.  He seemed to understand her better than anyone else, and she didn’t want the rest of her crew to see her like this.  Everyone had been through hell and lost friends and loved ones in the last week.  They needed her to show strength to get them all through this.

And right now she felt anything but strong.

“Since leaving Earth, all we’ve seen is devastation.  I’ve seen worlds burning, I’ve dealt with stubborn leaders and corrupt politicians, and I watched two different friends die in front of me.  And this war has _just started_.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this if I don’t have someone to lean on.”  The tears were falling freely now.  “ _I need you_.  You are not allowed…you can’t…”

She was sobbing.  The dam had finally broken, and it wasn’t going to stop until she had gotten it all out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James looked down at Shepard, crouching in front of him and sobbing uncontrollably.  Usually, when she’d reached her breaking point, she either got really angry or really quiet.  He’d never seen this side of her, and he really didn’t know what to do.  But he did know that she needed to get this out, and that she needed him to be there for her.  He pulled her up next to him on the sofa and put an arm around her, pulling her close so that her head rested on her chest.

“Promise me, James.”

“Promise you what, Lola?”

“Don’t leave.  Don’t become one of the voices haunting my dreams.”

The pain evident within and the utter _smallness_ of her voice caused a pain deep in his chest.  He felt her hands grip his shirt tightly.  This was just too much pressure for anyone to take, even her.  He didn’t want to make empty promises to her, but she needed to know she wasn’t in this alone.

“You know I can’t promise that nothing will happen to me, but I will promise that I won’t take any more stupid risks like I did with the shuttle.  But, Lola, you need to understand that there are a lot of people around you that can help you.  Share the burden with us, talk to us.  We are all here for you.  Me, Scars, Joker, Doc...hell, even the major.  He obviously still cares about you, even if he is an asshole.”

He heard her snort into his shirt, and he smiled to himself.  She had stopped crying, but she was still tense.  He absently started stroking her hair, and he felt her relax just a little.

“Thanks, James.”

“No problem.  So, uh...what’s this about voices?”

She tensed back up slightly, and he expected her to dodge the question.  So he was surprised when she started to speak softly.

“On Earth...when Anderson and I were trying to get to the Normandy, there was this little boy hiding in a vent.  I tried to get him to come out and come with us, but he said I couldn’t help him and he ran away.  I saw him again when the Normandy was taking off.  He got onto a shuttle, but then...it was destroyed by a Reaper.  The dreams started that night.  I’m chasing him through a charred forest and there are voices whispering all around me.  It started with my brother and my unit from Akuze.  Then Ashley joined them, and most recently, Mordin.  I’m sure Thane will show up too.  All the people that I couldn’t save.  And every time...every time I am about to finally reach that little boy, he bursts into flames.  I...I’m afraid to sleep...afraid to face all those people I failed.”

“Lola, you didn’t fail them.  I was there for some of those, remember?  And even for the ones I wasn’t, I know you.  You always do everything you can, which is usually more than anyone else would or could.  Think about all the amazing things you’ve done.”

He tightened his arm around her and said, “You just cured the goddamned genophage!  You defeated Sovereign and bought us precious time.  You blew up the Collectors and saved thousands of human colonists.  And those are just the highlights of your career.  I...you were an example to me.  Someone I could look up to and strive to emulate.  Then I met you, and I realized all that stuff I read about you, all the stuff in the vids...it all paled in comparison to who you _really_ are.  You are...remarkable.  Stronger than most people I know, yet you have a softness that doesn’t diminish that-in fact, it somehow _enhances_ it.  You have a grace that I’ve never seen in another soldier and a light that shines onto everyone you encounter, making them feel completely at ease.  You _inspire_ people, make everyone around you into the best possible versions of themselves that they can be.  You, Kiliane Shepard, are unlike anyone I have ever met before or could ever hope of meeting in the future.  And I am a much better man for it.”

“James?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell anyone I cried all over your shirt.”

He laughed.  “Don’t worry, Lola.  Your secret is safe with me.”

“And James?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.  I hope you know that.”

“I do.”

They sat in silence for several minutes until he felt her grow heavier against him and realized that she had fallen asleep.  He also realized at that moment that he was still casually stroking her hair, and that he was entirely too comfortable exactly where he was.

 _Mierda_ , he thought to himself.  It was at that point that he finally had to admit to himself that the jealousy he’d felt on Mars might actually have been about more than he’d let on, and that he might be feeling something a little more than friendship for his commander.  This wasn’t good.  At all.  He started to ease her off of his chest and onto the couch so that he could make an escape, but she just snuggled closer and mumbled into his shirt.

“Mmm, please stay...little longer…”

James sighed and relaxed back into the couch.  As he started to drift off to sleep himself, he started to realize exactly how much trouble he was in.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard had trouble realizing where she was when she woke up the next morning.  The fact that her pillow seemed to be breathing deeply had her concerned until she remembered the conversation from the night before.   _Oh, hell_.  She sat up quickly and the movement caused James to wake up as well.

"Oh, James, I'm so sorry I fell asleep on you!"

He rubbed at his sleepy eyes and mumbled, "S'okay.  Whatimesit?”

Shepard stood up and looked down at her omni-tool.  And then looked again.  

Letting out a small laugh she said, “It's 0800.  Apparently you make an excellent pillow.  That was the longest uninterrupted sleep I’ve had in….well, as long as I can remember.”

Finally coming fully awake, James stood up as well.

“Well, I’m glad to be of service.  But, ah…I should probably be going…”

He suddenly looked very nervous, and he made a beeline for the door.  She ran after him.

“James, wait.”

He stopped in the middle of the open door and turned towards her.

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say...thank you.  For listening to me last night and for...everything.  You’ve been a good friend to me.”

Giving her a half smile, he said, “No more than you’ve been to me.”

Impulsively, she stood on her tip-toes and gave him a quick hug.  As she was pulling away, she heard the elevator open and looked over to see Kaidan standing there.

"Oh!  I, uh...I'll come back."

Shepard could have sworn that she saw a smirk on James’ face as he walked past Kaidan into the elevator.

“No worries, Major.  I was just leaving.”


	31. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I struggled a bit here, and I hope that this turned out believable. Personally, I always felt like the whole “I get why you cheated” thing that you got at Apollo’s (if you romanced someone else in ME2) was absolutely ridiculous. I always found myself with Ross Geller’s voice in my head screaming “We were on a break!” I had an intention of taking this at least somewhat down that road, but my characters were telling me that they were much more mature than that.  
> Please let me know what you think! I absolutely love getting feedback of all kinds. Getting a notification in my email is my absolute favorite! :)  
> As always, BioWare owns all. I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Kaidan stood in the elevator on his way up to Shepard's quarters, trying to come up with something to say when he got there.   _I’m sorry_ just didn’t seem like it would be enough-or even quite right.  He _was_ sorry that there was a rift between them and that he was a big part of the reason for it, but he also knew he wouldn’t have been doing his job if he hadn’t questioned her.  He was sure that she understood that, but he also knew he may have taken it a bit too far and been a source of aggravation for her when she needed it the least.  

It had been obvious to him that she wasn’t sleeping the minute he’d seen her on the Citadel.  Her face was pale and drawn, and she had dark circles under her eyes.  He thought back to the original Normandy, and the pressure she was feeling when they were closing in on Saren.  He knew that she would be concerned for her crew, and she would want to project the appearance of being strong and in control so they remained in good spirits.  And if she didn’t have somewhere where she could let go of that, let herself feel what she kept hidden from everyone else, then she was going to break.  He hoped that she was able to find that.

But when the elevator doors opened to reveal her and Lieutenant Vega with their arms around each other, he found the phrase ‘ _be careful what you wish for_ ’ echoing in his head.

"Oh!  I, uh...I'll come back."

Vega walked past him, saying, “No worries, Major.  I was just leaving.”

Kaidan stepped out of the elevator and into the entryway, taking a glance back as he did.  He caught a smirk on the lieutenant’s face as the doors closed between them.

“I can hear your thoughts from here, Kaidan, and you can stop.  James has been a good friend to me.  And at a time when I wasn’t sure I had many left.”

 _Ouch_.  Kaidan winced at her words.  He turned back towards her.

“About that...”

She held up a hand.  “That wasn’t directed towards you specifically.  After the Alpha Relay and my association with Cerberus...well, it was a lot easier for people to believe the worst of me than to accept the truth, which was much more complicated and frightening.”

“Yeah, but certain people should have had more faith in you, and that definitely includes me.  I just...”

He trailed off, and Shepard indicated towards the open door behind her.

“Do you want to come in and talk about it?”

He nodded and followed her into her quarters.  They sat on opposite sides of the L-shaped couch, facing each other across the coffee table.  Shepard didn’t say anything and Kaidan knew she was waiting for him to say what was on his mind.  He let the silence stretch a little longer as he searched for the right words.

Staring down at his hands, he said, “It took me so long to accept that you were gone.  I kept expecting a call saying that it was all some terrible mistake, and that you were aboard one of the escape pods after all.  So accepting that you were back should have been easy.  But...it was so much harder.  Because even though you were back, things were just...different.   _Are_ different.”

“Yeah,” she said softly.  “I get that.”

He looked up and met her eyes.

“Yeah, I suppose you do.”

“I woke up thinking that a day had passed, maybe a few days at the most.  Instead, I found that two years were gone and everything had changed...including me.  Part of me still thinks that you might be right.  What if Cerberus did more than just put me back together?  What if I’m not...me anymore?”

Kaidan searched her face.  She hadn’t expressed these doubts the other times they’d talked, but he had been throwing accusations at her-and they hadn’t been alone.  She never let her insecurities show in public.  Even now, while sharing these thoughts with him, she was still sitting tall, a determined look on her face.  He also noted that the dark circles from yesterday were mostly gone, and she had some color back in her face.  Despite the petty jealousy that he might feel, it appeared that her relationship with Lieutenant Vega, whatever it may be, was good for her.

As these thoughts went through his head, he came to two conclusions.  First, he no longer had any doubt that this was Kiliane Shepard.  There wasn’t one thing that convinced him, but all the little things that were still so... _her_.  He just hadn’t taken the time to notice them until now.  For example, the way she was currently tapping the tips of her fingers against her thumb.  It was something she did when she was feeling unsure.  It occurred to him that he had never asked her why.

But it was no longer his question to ask.  That was the second conclusion he’d come to.  She was right when she said that she’d changed-they both had.  But it wasn’t because Cerberus _made_ her different.  It was just time and circumstance.  And even though he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t wished otherwise, he finally realized that they weren’t going to simply go back to the way things were.  What surprised him the most was that he was strangely okay with that.

“Kaidan, you’re doing that thing again.”

“What thing?”

“You’re having an entire conversation in your head.  It must have been a good one.  You went through about ten different facial expressions.”

He laughed, and she smiled.

“I guess I do that a lot, don’t I?  Overthink things?”

“It’s strange, actually.  Sometimes you have no trouble just saying what’s on your mind.  And sometimes…”

“I keep it in my head,” he finished for her.

“Exactly.  So what were you thinking just now?”

“I was thinking that I was looking forward to working with you again.  And I want you to know that I don’t have any doubts.  About you being you, about your ability to find a way to win this thing, about...anything really.  I actually feel really good about where things are, about where we are.”

When she simply looked at him in surprise, he laughed again.

“I know, I know.  Now you’re worried _I’m_ the clone.”

“No, I just...I think you need to clarify for me.”

Turning serious again, he explained.

“I think you were right.  About the fact that you’ve changed.  It’s just not about Cerberus-not really.  I don’t think anyone could go through what you did and _not_ come out changed.  It changed me too.  Losing you was horrible.  But I think I came out the other end a better person.  A lot of us did.  You taught us all how to be better people when we aboard the SR-1, but I think we were all content to simply follow you.  And then you weren’t there anymore.  We were forced to take what you’d shown us about being a good leader and turn it on ourselves.  Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I understand that things aren’t going to go back to what they were.  And I finally realize that’s not actually a _bad_ thing.”

He could see the little bit of tension she’d been holding leave as she smiled at him.

“Yeah, me too.”

“I know that you’ll tell me it’s unnecessary, but I’d like to apologize for some of the things I’ve said.  On Horizon, Mars, the Citadel...I certainly could have handled myself better.”

“We both could have.  On Horizon especially.  But we’re good now, right?”

“Right.”

He stood up to leave, and she stood as well.  He stepped around the coffee table and placed a quick kiss on her cheek.

“Thanks Shepard.”

“For what?”

“For understanding.  Somehow you knew I’d figure it out for myself eventually, didn’t you?”

“You’re a good man, Kaidan.  You’re just...careful.”

He laughed.  “That’s a nice way to say _slow_.”

“No.  I meant what I said.  It works for you.  You could probably learn to trust your instincts a little more, but your caution comes from experience, and you are an excellent soldier because of it.”

“And then there are those people who manage to balance it all.”

“No one can do it all, Kaidan.”

He considered her for a second before saying, “Maybe you’re right.  I’m glad you have good people around you to help you out.”

She smiled and said, “Me too.”

“Well, I’ll get out of your way.  I hope you don’t mind I made myself at home in Starboard Observation.  EDI said it wasn’t being used.”

“Not at all.  I know you need the quiet.”

He started walking out the door, but a then stopped and turned back.

“Speaking of EDI...you could have warned me, Shepard.  She scared the shit out of me when I saw her.”

She gave him a mischievous look and said, “Yeah, I _could_ have.”

Kaidan laughed as he walked into the elevator.  Pushing the button, he said, “Fair enough.”  As the doors started to close, he added, “She looks good though.”

He caught a glimpse of her surprised look just before the door completely closed, but he could still hear her laughter as it started to descend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard wanted to bang her head against the wall.  Here she was, in the middle of a war that threatened to wipe out all life in the galaxy.  She was working with some of the best soldiers out there.  People who never ceased to amaze her in battle, but somehow reverted to children the minute they were back on the ship.

She’d had the brilliant idea of bringing Kaidan, along with her usual away team of Garrus and James, to rescue the ex-Cerberus scientists on Gellix.  It had been a good idea in theory.  Seeing how he would react to people who had worked for Cerberus willingly would reveal if he’d really had a change in attitude.  Much to her surprise, _he_ hadn’t been the problem.

While James’ hostility towards Kaidan wasn’t completely unexpected, she had been shocked when Garrus had joined in.  He’d never said anything to her, but she supposed that he had been as hurt by Kaidan’s attitude on Horizon just as she was.  The two had been good friends aboard the original Normandy-Garrus would have expected the other man to trust him a little more than he had.  Most people didn’t have the insight into the reasons why Kaidan was so cautious that she did, and they would be less understanding because of it.  She should have realized sooner and spoken with Garrus about it.

She was on her way to talk to him when she was stopped by Kaidan.  He asked if he could talk to her for a few minutes and they made their way into the crew quarters and sat at a table in the back.  She listened as he worked his way through his thoughts on the Cerberus scientists.  She was pleased when he reasoned that there were good people within the organization that were just in the wrong place for the right reasons.

“I don’t think I was wrong about Cerberus, but I think I may have been wrong about some of the people working with them.”

“Kaidan, I’m glad that you feel this way but...there might be some other people you should say this to.”

He met her eyes and then nodded.  

“Yeah, I got that impression since coming aboard-especially today.”

“I was actually just on my way to talk to Garrus.  But maybe it would be better if you did.”  She laughed before adding, “But you should probably leave James to me for now.”

But Kaidan surprised her by shaking his head and saying, “No.  I’ll talk to him too.”

She raised a brow.  “You sure about that?”

“Yeah.  This was all because I acted like an idiot.  It’s my mess to fix.”

She searched his face, but he seemed determined, so she simply nodded and stood up to leave.

“We’re heading to meet with the Quarian Admiralty Board.  I haven’t played well with them in the past, and I fully expect some sort of headache from this.”  She grinned before adding, “So anything you could do resolve the tension between my crew would be _great_.”

“So, no pressure?”

“Exactly,” She said with a wink and then turned to walk out the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kaidan sat on the couch in Starboard Observation, looking out at the galaxy passing by.  His conversation with Garrus had actually gone pretty well.  Garrus was much more independent than he’d been aboard the SR-1, and Kaidan could clearly see how much he had grown as a soldier and a person.  But he still took cues from Shepard, and since she was willing to forgive and forget, he was too.

Hearing a knock at the door, Kaidan made a silent wish that this conversation would go half as well.

“Come in.”

“You wanted to see me, Major?”

“Yes, Lieutenant.  Have a seat.”

As James sat down on the opposite couch, Kaidan said, “You know, it’s a shame really.”

“What is, sir?”

“First, forget rank and protocol.  I know you’re forcing that out anyways.”  He couldn’t help but chuckle at the surprised look on the other man’s face.  “Anyways, it’s a shame that we met during these circumstances.  I think we could actually be good friends.”

James snorted but didn’t reply.

“Yeah, I know.  It’s hard to believe at this point because I’ve not been at my best.  That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.  I wanted to apologize.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

“You’re right, of course.  But I’ve already apologized to Shepard.  Multiple times.”

“So what the hell does that have to do with me?”

“You’re very protective of her.”

James shrugged, saying, “I was her bodyguard for six months.  It’s part of the job.”

“Yeah, maybe.  But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”

The other man’s eyes narrowed as he said, “What exactly are you getting at?”

“Nothing really.  Just an observation.”  He sighed.  “Listen, I know that you are aware of my history with her.  And I want you to know that’s over, and what I’m going to say to you comes from my respect for her as a good friend.  Nothing more.”

“Okay…”

“She needs you.”

“What?”

“Even though there were some points where I acted like it, I’m not an idiot, Lieutenant.  She relaxes around you, lets her guard down a little.  You know as well as I do that she has a tendency to pretend she’s fine a lot longer than she should.  She needs to be honest with herself and you seem to be one of the few people she’s willing to do that with.”

“That’s mostly because I call her on her bullshit.”

“Because you read her so well.”

James shrugged.  “Okay.  So what are you saying?”

“What I’m saying is that you need to... _call her on her bullshit_ as you say, a little more often.  And...you and I need to bury the hatchet.  For her.  Personally, I have nothing but respect for you, so it’ll be easy on my end.  But I know you are angry with me for the way I questioned and mistrusted her.  And because you care about her-as more that your commanding officer.”

When James started to respond, Kaidan stopped him by holding up his hand.  “No, let me finish.  I don’t care what that means beyond what I just said, whether that means you’re just good friends or something more.  From what I can see, _you’re_ not even sure so we’ll just leave it at that.  But I am apologizing to you for causing pain to someone who is important to you.  And letting you know that I am here to fully support her from here on out.  I’ve already told her that, but you needed to know too.”

James didn’t answer right away.  Kaidan watched him as he stared out the window at the stars rushing past.  When he finally did reply, he was so quiet that Kaidan almost didn’t hear him.

“What if it’s not enough?”   

"What's not enough?"

"Everything. What we're doing here, the crap she's going through-sleepless nights, losing friends..what if the Reapers still win?”  James turns towards him.  “Or what if…”

He trailed off, but Kaidan knew what he was thinking.

“You know as well as I do that no one would be able to stop her if it came to that.  She’s already died once fighting for everyone else.  She wouldn't hesitate to do it again.  And I won’t lie to you-losing her was a pain unlike anything I’ve felt before.”  He met James’ eyes before he continued.  “But I promise you, everything that came before was worth it.”

The other man again fell into silence, obviously considering what Kaidan had said.  Finally, he sighed and stood up.  Kaidan did as well.  

James reached out to shake his hand and said, “Okay.  She trusts you.  And I don’t think you would be saying any of this to me if you didn’t truly have her best interests at heart.  So truce it is.   _But_ ,”  Kaidan felt James’ grip on his hand tighten and watched as his eyes narrowed.  “If you ever forget your recent change in attitude, I will be happy to remind you with a trip out the nearest airlock... _Major_.”

Then the lieutenant grinned, saluted, turned and walked out the door.  

As the door automatically closed behind him, Kaidan muttered to himself, “Well, that went better than I expected…I think.”


	32. Tali

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, there may be a very slight change in format going forward. As you may have noticed, I’ve been keeping the focus on one relationship per chapter. But I feel trying to stick to that is preventing me from telling the story the way I want to. I also feel like as she gets closer to everyone, and as this war goes on, Shepard is more dependent on everyone. It’s still all about those relationships-the friendships she’s building. And I hope to still keep the focus of each chapter on one person more than others-I’m just not limiting myself quite so much. I really hope it doesn’t seem too disjointed.  
> Please let me know what you think. :D I always appreciate feedback!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“You have got to be kidding me!”

Shepard stood in the War Room with the Quarian Admiralty Board.  The bad feeling that she’d had at Tali’s trial had just been proven prophetic.  They had gone to war with the Geth in an attempt to retake Rannoch, and now they were coming to her for help because it was not going well for them.  The Reapers had predictably become involved, and were broadcasting a signal that was making the Geth much more effective in battle.

“I told you not to start this war right now, and that the Reapers were coming, but you were too short-sighted to listen to me.  I ought to leave you to sort out your own mess, but you’ve stupidly involved your civilian ships.”

Admiral Koris stepped forward, saying, “You’re right, of course.  I should never have caved to the pressure and allowed the civilians to be involved in this.  Please help us fix our mistake, Commander."

While she agreed with Koris’ viewpoint more than anyone else’s in the room, he was still just as much a politician as the rest of them.  When Admiral Gerrel started to protest, Shepard immediately interrupted.

“I’m not interested in your reasoning, your excuses, or your issues with each other.  So save your breath, and just tell me where this signal is coming from and what I can do to help.”

After several seconds of shocked silence, Gerrel brought up a scan of a Geth Dreadnought, showing the signal coming from deep within the heavily defended ship.  Shepard studied the image for a minute, formulating a plan.

“Okay, we can use the Normandy’s stealth drive to get a small team aboard the dreadnought and disable the signal.  That should disorganize them.”  She looked up, meeting the eyes of each admiral before finishing, “And then you will make for the relay and retreat."

“Good.  Our civilian ships have seen too much fighting already.  Are you certain you can disable the signal?”

Shepard turned towards Koris, barely holding back her temper.

“What I _am_ certain of, _Admiral_ , is the fact that you have no other option.  If I don’t try, your entire race will be destroyed because of your stupid decision to go to war right now.  I’m also certain that you will all owe me big time after this, and I fully intend to cash in.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ready my team.”

As she turned to walk out the door, she was interrupted by Admiral Raan.

“Commander, our newest admiral has also volunteered to offer technical expertise.”

The door in front of Shepard opened and she saw a welcome figure on the other side.

“Tali’Zorah vas Normandy, reporting for duty.”

“Tali!”

“Hey, Shepard.”

Shepard continued through the door and motioned for Tali to follow her into the conference room.  Giving her friend a quick hug, she said, “So, Admiral…”

Tali laughed.  “It’s mostly a formality.  I’m an expert on the Geth.”  She sighed.  "I'm really glad you're here.  This was such a stupid move!”

“Not that I don’t absolutely agree with you Tali, but I have to admit that I’m surprised to hear you say that.”

“Yes, I suppose you would be.  For so long I was absolutely sure that we needed to destroy the Geth and retake Rannoch for ourselves.  But thanks to you, and my talks with Legion aboard the Normandy, I had actually begun to think that peace might be an option.”

“Then how’d we end up here?”

“Like I said, my being an admiral is more of a formality than anything.  Koris and I tried to dissuade them, but Gerrel is...well, he always gets his way.”  The quarian shook her head, saying, “I’m sorry, Shepard.  I know you have so many other things to worry about right now.  But I promise you that if you get my people out of here safely, our fleet will stand with you against the Reapers.”

“You know I’ll do everything in my power, Tali.”

“I do.  And I’ll be ready to hit the dreadnought with you whenever you’re ready.”

“All right, let me go get my team ready.”

Shepard made her way towards the door but stopped suddenly as she had a thought.  Turning back to Tali, she said, “I’m gonna head down to the armory to get weapons ready-James will be down there anyways.  Why don’t you head to the Main Battery and fill my sniper in on the plan?"

"Garrus is here?"

Shepard smiled and the change in her friend’s voice and nodded.  “Yeah, and he’ll be glad to see you too.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

James stood in the airlock chamber with the rest of the team, getting ready to board the Geth dreadnaught.  He was amusing himself by watching Scars interacting awkwardly with their newest team member.  He had heard Shepard talk about Tali many times before, and he could see why she liked her so much.  She was smart and energetic, and it was obvious to him that the turian was completely smitten with her.  By the way she watched them, he could see that it was obvious to Shepard as well.  

They all had their breather helmets on, so he switched his comm over to a private channel and said softly, “Playing matchmaker, Lola?”

She looked up at him in surprise before laughing and shrugging her shoulders.

“What can I say?  They are two of my best friends, and it makes my heart happy.”  She laughed and said, “Especially when they are so awkward about it.  You need to teach Garrus some better lines.”

“You like my lines, Lola?  Good to know.”

He didn't get to hear her reply as EDI interrupted them to inform Shepard of a potential problem: there was only one docking tube that wasn’t physically secure.  James was watching her as Joker told them that one tube was badly damaged, so he didn’t miss the brief flash of fear in her eyes.  Back on an open channel, he spoke quickly before she had a chance.

“I can go over alone, Commander.  Make sure it’s secure before the rest of you come through.”

She shook her she said, “No, I’ll go.  You guys wait here, and be ready to come over once I’ve secured it.”

He searched her eyes, looking for any doubt, but all he saw was steely determination.  Then he heard her voice in his ear and realized she had switched back over to the private channel.

“Just keep using your lines on me, and I’ll be fine.”

She winked at him and he laughed in reply.  Then she made her way out of the airlock and into the docking tube.  As they all got a glimpse of the badly damaged tube, he heard her sharp intake of breath.  But she squared her shoulders and walked through the door.

As the door closed behind her, he said, “You okay, Lola?”

“It’s...not a pleasant sensation.  But, yeah.  Though, I do wish I could walk a little faster in the mag boots.”

“Yeah, they aren’t meant for speed.  Awkward as hell, but they’re keeping you grounded.”

“Yeah.”

“So tell me, Lola...what’s your favorite line?"

He heard her chuckle on the other end.  “I'm not really sure I can choose just-holy crap!”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah.  I, uh...big hole.”

“Big hole?”

She snorted.  “Yeah, sorry.  Seeing the expanse of space and ship debris floating by just brings back bad memories.”

James couldn’t imagine reliving your own death.  If she was focused on that feeling, on those memories, she would never make it across.  There were a few ways he could handle this.

Thinking quickly, he said, “I don’t feel sorry for you, you know.  I offered, but your stubborn ass _insisted_ on going across first.  So get it moving.  I’m getting bored hanging out in the airlock.  Who knows what kind of trouble I could get into.”

There were a few moments of silence, and for a second he was afraid he’d taken the wrong approach.

Then she said, “You’re one to talk about _stubborn_.”

“See, that’s how I know that _you_ know I meant it as a compliment.”

“Right.  Okay almost-”

She was cut off as he felt the floor beneath him tremble and heard a screech outside the airlock door.

He heard both Tali and Garrus shout, "Shepard!"

Nothing.  James switched to the open channel.

“EDI!  What the hell just happened?”

“The docking tube has fully separated from the dreadnought.”

"And the Commander?"

Seconds that felt like years passed as they waited for an answer.

“According to her locator, she is aboard the Geth ship, just outside the airlock.”

James tried to reach her again.

"Come on Lola, talk to me.  I'm sorry I called your ass stubborn.  I mean, it’s true, but it’s also one of the finest asses I’ve ever had the pleasure-”

“Okay, _Lieutenant_ , you can stop right there.”

He breathed a sigh of relief as Garrus snickered behind him.

Tali broke in, saying, “Shepard, if you can get aboard I can direct you to another docking tube.  You should be able to manually override the controls to let us on.”  Then she added dryly, “Unless your _stubborn ass_ was planning on doing this mission solo.”

"You're hilarious, Tali.  James, remind me to murder you later...Okay, I’ve made my way inside.  Which way?”

James listened as Tali directed Shepard to the nearest working docking tube.  Once she had it unlocked and extended, and the Normandy got into position, the three of them made their way aboard to join her.  He walked through the airlock doors and saw her standing up on a platform at the far end or the room.

Walking over, he said, “You good, Lola?”

“Yeah.”

He quickly made his up the ladder.  Once he was at the top, she grabbed his hand and gave it a quick squeeze before letting go.

“Thank you.”

He simply nodded as Tali and Garrus joined them.  Tali hacked the door and they made their way deeper into the ship.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

They hadn’t gone very far when Tali switched over to a private channel to chat with Shepard.  Both Garrus and James were oblivious to their conversation.

“So...Lola?”

Shepard laughed and replied, “Yeah.  He has a thing for nicknames.  Garrus is _Scars_ , Liara is _Doc_ , Javik is _Buggy_...huh.  Come to think of it, mine is the only one that seems even a little bit creative.”

“There might be a reason for that-wait.  Who’s Javik?”

“You mean Garrus didn’t tell you?  We uncovered a Prothean soldier on Eden Prime that had been in stasis for the last fifty thousand years.”

Tali was quiet for a few seconds before she sighed and said, “Of course you did.”

Shepard laughed.  “Yeah, it’s kind of hard to be surprised by anything at this point, isn’t it?”

“The only thing that would surprise me now is if the Reapers suddenly decide that they’ve had enough war and retreat to Dark Space.”

“See?  Why can’t we have those kinds of surprises?”

They continued through the ship in silence, making their way towards the origin of the Reaper signal.  They fought their way through several waves of Geth troops.  When they finally had another quiet moment, Tali went back to their conversation.

“Garrus tells me that Kaidan has rejoined your crew.  How’s that going?”

“Better than I expected, actually.”

“Really?  How so?”

“Well, we had a good, long talk and realized that we are both different people than we were two years ago.  I think we’ll always be good friends.  The whole lot of us-we went through a lot together.”

“We certainly have.  And it’s not over yet.”

“Not even close.”

“So, is Kaidan getting along with the rest of your crew?”

“What do you mean?”

“Garrus mentioned that there was some tension when he first came aboard.  He said Kaidan talked with him, and they’re good.  I just wondered about...other people.”

“Well, I don’t know who else would really have a problem with him.  No one else knew him before.  Joker, I guess.  But I’m pretty sure they had a good talk, too.  James wasn’t happy with him at first, but mostly because he’s still stuck in bodyguard mode-and Kaidan wasn’t being his best self.”

“Ah.  Bodyguard mode?”

“Yeah, he was my personal bodyguard for the six months I was in lockup.”

“I see.  So you think he was just being protective of you?  As a bodyguard?”

“What do you mean _think_?  That’s what he was doing.”

“Okay.”

She saw Shepard shake her head, but she didn’t reply.  Tali switched her comm so that she was just speaking to Garrus.

“Well she is c _ompletely_ oblivious!  Is he just as bad?”

She heard him chuckle before he replied, “Yep, pretty much.”

He continued to laugh as Tali just shook her head.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

When they finally arrived at their location, they discovered Shepard’s former teammate, Legion, was the source of the Reaper signal.  She had told James about the geth platform that had served with her against the Collectors, but it still felt weird to him that they seemed to consider it a friend.  Especially as they fought off multiple squads of other geth while trying to free it from the restraints.

“So Sparks, you really trust this thing?”

Garrus broke in with a laugh.  “Aw, Tali, I think he’s accepted you to the pack.  He’s given you a nickname.”

The quarian sounded confused as she asked, “Sparks?  What does that mean?”

“Well,” James replied. “You’re small and jumpy.  And your eyes glow.”

“What?”

“Um, it just came out.”

“If you say so.”

James could hear both Shepard and Garrus chuckling in the background.  He ignored them and pointed his shotgun at the Geth Prime that had just walked around the corner.  After several more minutes, they finally finished off all of the geth troops in the room, and freed Legion from his restraints.  He still wasn’t completely sure about it, but if both Shepard and her quarian friend considered it an ally, he would give it the benefit of the doubt.     

Of course, then Quarian fleet opened fire on the dreadnought with them still aboard, and it became much easier to see the Geth’s side of things.  The ship started exploding around them and they quickly started towards the exits.  Legion suggested that they make their way towards the hangar bay and steal one of the fighters housed there.

They were in the final hallway, with the hangar right around the corner, when a huge blast took out the wall on their left.  A large support beam started to topple directly above them.  James didn’t even think.  He just reacted, quickly pushing Shepard out of the way.  As he tried to get himself out of the path of the beam, another piece of debris hit him in the side, knocking him down.  He landed on his back, looking up as the beam came down towards him.  The last thing he heard was Shepard shouting his name, and then...nothing.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Um….sorry?
> 
> Please don’t hate me…..


	33. Dr. Chakwas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello! I finished this one a little early, and since I left y’all hanging last week...I figured I’d post early! :) I didn’t think you’d mind.  
> This chapter was fun-I absolutely adore Dr. Chakwas. Kiliane has some good father figures in her life now, but who can she go to for motherly advice? The good doctor is more than happy to fill that role for her. ;)  
> Thanks for continuing to read, and please feel free to leave a comment to tell me what you think! I enjoy any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard heard the explosion off to her left, and then she felt strong hands push her out of the way.  She stumbled to the ground, and by the time she looked back a giant beam was about to land on James.  Screaming his name and reacting purely on instinct, she unleashed her biotics towards the beam, putting everything she had into it.  She was too late to stop it from hitting him altogether, but she hoped she was at least able to slow the descent.

“James?”

Nothing.

“James!”

Still no response.  He was so still, lying underneath the pile of rubble.  She started to make her way over to him, but as soon as she got to her feet the edges of her vision went black, and she started to sway.  Feeling hands grip her shoulders, she heard Garrus speak.

“Shepard, you okay?”

“May have overdone...biotics…”

“Tali, grab her!  Help her get to the hangar.  I’ll get him.”

“No!”  Shepard tried to take a step towards James, but her knees buckled.  Only Tali’s arm quickly wrapping around her waist kept her upright.  She gave in and allowed her friend to steer her towards the door to the hangar, knowing Garrus wouldn’t leave James behind.

Carefully, they made their way into the hangar, towards the fighter that Legion had prepared.  There was another explosion and artificial gravity was lost.  She felt Tali’s grip on her loosen, and then saw the quarian float past her.  After a few terrifying seconds, Legion was able to gather them and get them into the fighter.  Once they were all secure, and the ship was well on it’s way out of the hangar, Shepard turned to Garrus.

“Is he…”

“He’s unconscious, but breathing.  That’s all I can tell.  He got knocked in the head pretty good.  If you hadn’t slowed that beam down…”

She couldn’t form a response.  She had used up all of her energy to keep that beam from killing James, and she knew she was about to pass out.  Only the need to know that he was going to be okay was keeping her from giving in.  She could hear Tali in the background, coordinating with Joker to get them aboard the Normandy.

“Joker, tell Dr. Chakwas to meet us in the hangar.  Lieutenant Vega has been injured, and I think the commander will need some medical attention as well.”

Shepard waved her hand and tried to speak.

“No.  Chakwas…James…”

Tali turned back towards her.

“Shush!  Dr. Chakwas is a trained military doctor.  She knows how to triage.”

Tali was right, of course.  Knowing that James would soon be in the best possible hands, she finally gave into the darkness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When she awoke a few hours later she was in the medbay, and Dr. Chakwas was looking down at her.  She sat up slowly, her entire body screaming in pain.  It must have shown on her face, because the doctor frowned at her.

“Take it easy, Shepard.  You’re going to be fine, but you used up most of your energy with that biotic display you pulled off.  You’re going to feel like you ran several marathons back-to-back.”

“And James?”

“The lieutenant will be fine.  He has a pretty bad concussion, and he’ll need to rest for a few days, but he should make a full recovery.  From what I hear you saved his life, Shepard.”

“Not before he saved mine.  He reacted much quicker than I did, and pushed me out of the way.”

Dr. Chakwas settled a hand on her shoulder, saying, “That’s what soldiers, and friends, do.  They look out for each other.”

“Yeah...So, am I fit for duty?”

“If I said no, would it stop you?”

Laughing, Shepard said, “Probably not.”

“I thought so.  Like I said, you’ll feel sore and drained.  Listen to your body, but other than that, you have no restrictions.”

Slowly getting to her feet, Shepard looked around.  

“Is James here?”

“No.  He regained consciousness shortly after you arrived here.  After doing my scans, I gave him something for the pain and sent him to get some rest.  He should be woken up every couple of hours, just for tonight, to make sure it hasn’t worsened.”  The doctor looked down at her omni-tool.  “I was actually just going to check on him.”

“I’ll do it.”

“I thought you might say that.  Just let me know if he seems off in any way.  He was actually quite lucid when he regained consciousness.  He was worried when he saw you on the gurney.  I had to assure him multiple times that you were fine before he would let me scan him.”

“And he has the nerve to call _me_ stubborn.”

Dr. Chakwas gave her a pointed look, saying, “Yes, well.  You two are certainly cut from the same cloth.”

Laughing, Shepard thanked the doctor and then started towards the crew quarters.  

She found James in his bunk, with his mouth slightly open and snoring softly.  Reaching down, she gently shook his shoulder.  His eyelids fluttered but didn’t open.  She shook a little harder this time.

“James.”

Not even a flutter this time.  Starting to get worried, Shepard grabbed both his shoulders and shook.  Still nothing.  She was about to call Dr. Chakwas when she saw the corner of his mouth twitch.

Swatting his chest, she said, “You are a bastard, James Vega.”

Laughing, he finally opened his eyes.  But when he saw her face, he suddenly turned serious.

“You okay, Lola?”

“No, I'm not.  I thought I told not to pull any more stupid stunts like that!"

He sat up and gave her a confused look before saying, "Pretending to sleep?"

"Almost getting yourself killed!"

“Hey!  This one wasn’t my fault!”

She knew she was being ridiculous.  In no way was what happened on the Geth ship his fault.  But when she’d seen him, motionless beneath that beam, she’d had a surprising realization, one that scared her half to death: She was in love with James Vega.

It scared her because of her reaction in that moment.  She hadn’t felt paralyzed by fear since that night on Mindoir.  But she’d come close on Mars and again on the dreadnought.  And both times had been caused by the fear that she had lost James.  She couldn’t afford to feel that way right now.  There was entirely too much at stake.

She just wasn’t sure what to do about it.  For right now, she simply looked at him, sighing and shaking her head.

“I know, James.  I’m sorry-I was just worried.  How’s the head?”

“Intact.  Thanks to you.”

She smiled.  “Well, if you hadn’t reacted as quickly as you did we would both have been crushed.  So let’s just call it even.”

“Sounds good.  So...have you talked to Admiral Gerrel yet?  Because I’d kinda like to see that conversation.”

“No, I haven’t.  I just woke up, and I wanted to check on you first.  But that is most definitely where I am headed next.  I certainly plan on giving him a piece of my mind, but not as much as I'd really like to."

"Why's that?"

"We need all the help we can get against the Reapers, so until this war is over, I'm stuck playing politician."

“Better you than me.”

Shepard laughed, saying, “That’s for sure.”

“Hey!”

He gave her a very exaggerated pout that just made her laugh harder.

“Commander, Admiral Hackett is requesting to speak with you on the QIC.”

“Thanks, Traynor.  Tell him I’ll be right there.”  She sighed and looked at James.  “Duty calls.”

“Roger that.”  He pointed to his bunk.  “I’ll just be here, making sure my bunk stays down.”

“I know it sucks, but listen to the doctor.  Take it easy until she clears you.”

He made a face.  “Yeah, yeah.”

As she turned to leave, he stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“Lola?  Thanks again.  Seriously.”

She met his eyes, saying softly, “I’m just glad you’re okay.  I don’t know if I can do this without you.”  He hadn’t let go of her arm and she looked down at where his hand rested.  “James, I…”

“Yeah?”

“I better go see what Hackett wants.  Get some rest.”

She quickly made her way out the door before he could reply, leaving him staring after her in confusion.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“She did what!?”

James stared at Garrus in shock, and the turian laughed in response.

“You heard me correctly, Lieutenant.  She plugged herself into the Geth Consensus.”

“Because that... _thing_ told her it was safe?”

“Yes, _Legion_ assured her it was safe.”  Garrus shrugged.  “It seems like he was right.”

“But wasn’t that kinda risky?  Why couldn’t that thing do it by itself?  Why’d she have to go in too?”

Dr. Chakwas interrupted before Garrus could reply, saying, “Garrus, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you insist on causing my patient distress.”

Garrus held up his hands in surrender.  “Sorry, doc.  That wasn’t my intention.”

“Well, intention or not, that seems to be what you’re doing.  Maybe not talking about the Commander’s escapades would be a good idea.”  

She turned towards James.  “And _you_ need to hold still if you want to get these tests over with.  Of course if you’d rather _not_ return to duty, the by all means, keep flailing around.”

“Fine.  I’ll hold still.  Are all of the women on this ship-”  He stopped suddenly when he saw Garrus behind the doctor, eyes wide and head shaking.  “Um...strong and lovely...and...”

She laughed.  “And deadly.  Don’t forget that one.”

“How could I?”

Still laughing, Dr. Chakwas continued her scans for several minutes.  The two men remained silent, for fear of the woman with the needles.

“Well, Lieutenant.  Everything checks out.  You were incredibly lucky.”

“What’s the human expression?  Guardian angel?”

“Aw, Garrus, that’s sweet.  No one has ever called me that before.”  They all turned to see Shepard had entered the med bay.  “Need you to suit up, Archangel.  We’re going to Rannoch to disable the Reaper signal there.”

James jumped off the gurney, saying, “Hey, Lola, Médica just cleared me for duty.  Want me to suit up?”

She raised a brow at him in question.  “ _Médica_?”

Doctor Chakwas answered for him.  “My new nickname apparently.”

James shrugged.  “I know it’s not the most creative, but there’s already a Doc on the ship.”

“Oh, well.  I’m glad to hear you’re cleared James, but I’ve already got my team for this one.”

“Oh...okay.”

He couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice.  He’d had to sit on the sideline for the last few days while she rescued Admiral Koris, and shut down the geth fighter squadrons.  Through the grapevine, he’d heard they were making a trip to the surface of Rannoch, and he’d really hoped to join them.  That’s why he’d come to Dr. Chakwas hoping to get cleared.

Shepard looked up at Garrus.  “Ready?”  

When he nodded, she turned briefly back to James and waved before heading out the door.  Garrus just looked at the lieutenant and shrugged before following her.  James stared after them in confusion.  Why was she acting so...weird?

“Was it something I said, Médica?”

“I’m not sure, Lieutenant.  Knowing you it very well could have been.”

“Ouch, that hurts.”

“I’m sure,” she answered drily.  Turning thoughtful, she added, “If I didn’t know better, I’d almost say she was scared.”

“Scared?  Of what?”

“That _is_ the question, isn’t it?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard was experiencing a serious case of déjà vu as she stared up at Dr. Chakwas’ concerned face.  She felt a pounding in her head, and her entire body ached.  Groaning, she slowly sat up.

“Easy, Shepard.  How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been here before.  And like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

“Well, you have been here before-more times than I am comfortable with.  And you were practically hit by a truck.  I’d say an exploding Reaper counts.”

“Oh yeah.  There was a Reaper on Rannoch.  So we killed it?”

“Yes.  You don’t remember?”

“I remember hitting it with the targeting laser.  That’s it.”

Dr. Chakwas frowned.  “Shepard, you were conscious for a good time after that.  You really don’t remember _anything_ between then and now?”

“No, I...wait.  Yes.  I talked to the Reaper, as it was...dying.  Then Legion...oh, god.  I remember everything.  But I don’t remember how I ended up here.  The last thing I remember was sitting with Tali and talking about her future.”

“From what I’ve been told, Commander, you and Tali were making your way back to the shuttle when there was apparently some sort of delayed explosion from the Reaper.  You were both knocked out.”

“And Tali?”

“She’s fine.  You threw yourself over her and shielded her from most of the blast.  She regained consciousness before you even left the surface.  Garrus has set up space for her down in Jack’s old hideaway.  He is taking care of her there.”

Shepard smiled.  “Of course he is.  He’s totally in love with that girl.”

“I believe the feeling is mutual.”

Laughing, Shepard answered, “And everyone knows it but them.”

“It would seem so.  They’ll figure it out soon enough.  Oh, that reminds me.  Lieutenant Vega was very concerned about you.  He was driving me a little bonkers, so I sent him away with the promise that I’d let him know if there was any change.  Would you like me to call him?”

“What exactly do you mean by that?”

The doctor looked at her with an exaggerated innocent expression.  “Hmm?  I’m simply asking if you want me to notify Lieutenant Vega that you have regained consciousness.”

“That’s not what I was asking, and you know it.”

“How about I ask you a question.  Why didn’t you take him with you on this mission?  He specifically came to me hoping to be cleared for it.  And I _did_ clear him.”

Shepard looked down at her feet and said softly, “I don’t know.”

“You seemed almost...afraid.  What of?  Him getting hurt again?”

“Maybe.  But doesn’t that seem sort of silly?  We are marines in the middle of the biggest war this galaxy has ever seen-well this cycle anyway.  There is a very good chance that every time we engage with the enemy one or all of us will not make it back.  I can’t just hide in a hole and wait for it to all blow over.”

“No, you can’t.  And you won’t.”  Dr. Chakwas looked at her thoughtfully.  “I know that you worry about every single one of your crew members, and you’ve mourned for those you have lost.  But what is it about this particular soldier that frightens you?  Is it maybe a combination of the fear of having something happen to him _and_ of facing the feelings that you have for him?”

Shepard looked up in surprise.  “What feelings?”

“Oh come now, Shepard.  You are as obvious as Tali and Garrus!”  She laughed.  “And as oblivious it would seem.”

“Well, maybe not quite.  You might be on to something.”

“Kiliane, I agree that you can’t afford to have that fear take over you while you’re in battle.  But running from those feelings will not make them go away.  I can promise you that.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience, Doctor.”

“I am.”

“And have you followed your own advice?”

“Not yet.”  When Shepard raised a brow at her, she quickly added, “But I am not serving on the same ship as the source of my...confusion.   _You_ are.  And it will just become a bigger problem if you don’t address it.”

“Address it how, though?”

“I would say _that_ is for the two of you to decide.”


	34. Joker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Bonus chapter! :)  
> Please feel free to leave a comment. I always appreciate any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.
> 
> Oh, and May the 4th be with you! ;)

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard left the med-bay with strict instructions from the doctor to take it easy for a few days.  She also left with a good deal to think about.  What was she going to do about James?  Dr. Chakwas was probably right, and the best person to discuss it with was the man himself.  And she would.  Eventually.  

She didn’t remember having this crippling fear with Kaidan.  It wasn’t that she hadn’t worried about something happening to him.  She clearly remembered the struggle she’d had with her decision on Virmire.  The thought of losing him had saddened her, but it hadn’t paralyzed her.  Of course, their relationship had been different.  It had been forged during battle, and everything about it had been fast and fiery.  

James, on the other hand, had slowly worked his way into her life over the last six months.  He had become one of her best friends, and her feelings had come on so slowly that she couldn’t even say when they had changed from friendship to something more.  She couldn’t even be sure he felt the same way.  She suspected that he might, but it was hard to tell with him.  Being a flirt was just part of his personality.  There were other things, though, that made her think he did.  The way he had acted with Kaidan, for example.  She had attributed it to his being protective of her, but was it something more?  Again, it came down to her just talking to him directly.

Before she did that though, she had one more person she wanted to talk to.  Someone that she suspected might have an idea of what she felt and had obviously found a way to deal with it.  Apparently her subconscious had been ahead of her because she suddenly found herself standing on the bridge.  She noted gratefully that EDI wasn’t in her usual spot in the co-pilot’s chair.  Even though EDI was technically everywhere on the ship, the lack of her mobile platform at least gave the illusion of privacy.  And honestly, the AI had gotten a lot better at realizing that some conversations were private.

“Hey Joker, you have a minute to talk?”

“Sure, Commander.  I just programmed the course for the Citadel.  We taking a little R&R?”

She sighed.  “A little.  Doctor’s orders.”

He looked up at her and made a face.  “Is relaxing really that hard for you?”

“When I know that worlds are burning while I’m _relaxing_ , yes.  Yes it its.”

“I do get that.  But you also know, deep down, that you aren’t going to be much help if you can’t even focus.”

“Hmm.  Yeah, maybe.  That’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.”

“How so?”

“I was wondering...how are things going with EDI?”

“What?  Are you implying that I can’t focus because I have a distraction?  Because I will have you know-”

Shepard held up a hand to stop him, saying, “No.  That’s not why I’m saying at all.  I guess I was just wondering how you deal with battle.  You’ve had to fly the Normandy into some dangerous places the last few weeks.  And you’ve always been attached to your ship, but now...well, now I would imagine you are more so.  Don’t you get scared?”

Joker studied her for a few minutes, thinking carefully before replying.

“Hell yeah I do.  But I also trust EDI, and myself, and I know the skills that each of us have when we go into battle.  Me at the helm, and her running all the programs in the background.  Or those few times she’s gone with you on the away team.  I do absolutely worry that something could happen, but...Well, it’s like you said, Commander.  Worlds are burning out there, and we have to do our part.  I can’t hold back, and she can’t hold back just because we’re scared.”

“So how do you block it out?”

“I don’t necessarily block it all out.  I’d say it’s more about channeling it and using it to do your job better.”  He shrugged.  “You know.  If it were actually possible for me to _be_ any better than I already am.”

Shepard laughed.  “There he is.  I was starting to worry that being in a relationship was making you all soft.”

“I’m offended, Commander.  I would think that you know me better than that by now.”

“You’re right.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

“Good.  So...this about Vega?”

“Good grief!  Is it written on my forehead?”

“Pretty much.”

Looking down and playing with the frayed edges of her shirt, she said, “I feel like I may have become a little too dependent on him when I was on house arrest.  I’m scared of losing him.  In so many different ways.  When he got hurt, I panicked.”

Joker shrugged, “From what I heard from Garrus, you reacted pretty damn fast and saved James’ life.  If that’s you _panicking_ maybe you should do it more often.”

“But what if I don’t react quick enough next time?”

“Shepard, try to take your feelings out of it for just a second?  Is James a good soldier?”

“Absolutely.  One of the best I’ve worked with.”

“And you?  You kinda have an idea what you’re doing out there, right?”

“Yeah, but-”

“No, let me finish.  I know your _but_.  Yes, things can happen that are beyond anyone’s control.  You and I both know that all too well.  But that’s just it-those situations are beyond your control.  The best thing you can do is let him do what he’s best at, and you do what you’re best at.  You are both more likely to stay alive that way.”

“So it’s just that easy?”

“I didn’t say anything about easy.  But worth it?  Absolutely.”  He sighed before continuing.  “Listen, Shepard.  You helped me out, gave me a little push when it came to EDI, and I’d kiss you for it if...well, no I wouldn’t, but I still appreciate it.  So let me return the favor.  I say go for it.  If there is anyone in this galaxy that deserves a little happiness, it’s you.”

“You _did_ go soft on me, Joker.”

“Yeah, well...don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“My lips are sealed.”  She smiled and laid a hand on his shoulder.  “Thank you.  I have some thinking to do, but you’ve helped me a lot.”

“You’ll figure it out.  But not by talking to _me_.”

“I know.”

She turned and left the bridge, heading through the CIC towards the elevator.  As she punched the call button, she looked towards the comm panel.

“EDI, I hope you realize how lucky you are.”

The AI replied in a soft voice, “Yes, Commander.  Very lucky indeed.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

James had been in the makeshift gym he’d set up in the armory when Dr. Chakwas had informed him that the Commander had regained consciousness.  He’d felt immense relief, but then the doctor told him she had already left the medbay.  He’d tried to contact her, but EDI informed him that the Commander had requested privacy.  His relief had quickly turned to confusion and even a little bit of anger.

He couldn’t figure out what he’d done to piss her off.  The few times they had talked in the past couple of days, she’d seemed okay.  Maybe a little distant, but not angry.  But she’d refused to take him to Rannoch, and that was just weird.  And now she didn’t want to talk to him?  He went back to hitting the bag in front of him with renewed power.

His omni-tool beeped with an incoming message.  He was tempted to ignore it and keep working the bag, but he still hadn’t heard anything from either his uncle or Blake.  It could be either of them.  Pulling up the message, he was actually surprised to see it was from Admiral Hackett.

 

_To: Lieutenant James Vega_

_From:  Admiral Steven Hackett_

_Lieutenant:_

_I thought you would be interested to know about something that recently crossed my desk.  It seems that someone thinks you are a good candidate for N school.  I received the recommendation the same day that Earth was attacked, so I’ve been sitting on it.  However, if we all make it through this, I hope you will seriously consider joining the program.  Even after we kick the Reapers out of here, we will need exceptional soldiers like yourself to help keep peace in a broken galaxy while we rebuild._

_Let me know your thoughts, Lieutenant._

_~Admiral Hackett_

_P.S.  Thank you for continuing to keep our girl safe.  Vakarian told me about the near miss on the dreadnought.  Just another reason why I think the person who recommended you is right on target._

 

James closed the message, his head reeling.  N school?  Him?  Who in their right mind thought that was a good idea?  Then it hit him.  There was only one person who he had even spent any time with during the last sixth months.  Only one person who could have sent that recommendation.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Where is the Commander?”

He didn’t even wait for her to reply before he took off towards the elevator.

“She is in her quarters.”

Pushing the button for the top floor, he said, “Thank you.”

“Lieutenant, I feel I should remind you that she has asked for privacy.”

James stepped out as the elevator opened in front of Shepard’s cabin.  

“Okay EDI, you reminded me.  Now tell _her_ that I am sitting outside her door, and I’m not leaving until she lets me in.”

There was a moment of silence before EDI came back and said, “She says you may enter.”

The door opened, and he walked in to see Shepard leaning against the display case that held her model ships.  He had come up here already slightly angry, and seeing her standing there with a wary expression on her face only irritated him more.

“What’s on your mind, James?”

“I was wondering when you stopped trusting me.”

Her eyes narrowed in confusion.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean, at some point you thought highly enough of me to recommend me for N school.”  She looked surprised but didn’t deny that she had done it.  “But when did that change?  It seems like it was when that beam fell on me on the dreadnought.  But that doesn’t make any sense.  That was hardly anything I did wrong.  That was the fucking quarians deciding to blow up the ship we were on.  So it has to be something else, but I can’t figure out what the fuck it is.  I just want to know: do you still think I should do N school?  Or did that change when you decided that you could no longer trust me at your back?”

She was staring at him in shock, and he felt a small amount of guilt.  He knew he was overreacting a little, but he also knew that something _had_ changed.  And that he didn’t like it.  He watched as she pushed off from the display case and took a step towards him.  Then she stopped and turned around, walking down towards the living area of the cabin.  She still hadn’t said anything and he started wondering if this had been a good idea.  Did he really _want_ to know her answer?

“I’m so sorry, James.  I’ve been an idiot.  The first thing I need to tell you is that I still absolutely think that you would be an excellent candidate for the N7 program.  In fact, I am more convinced of it the more I work with you.”

“Okay...um, thanks.  Then what-”

He stopped as she held up a hand.

“The rest...I...uh...Oh fuck! I’m not good at this!”

James was incredibly confused by this point.  She looked...nervous.  Why was she nervous?  It was making him nervous.

“Good at what exactly?”

She sighed.  “James, I never stopped trusting you.  I’m incredibly sorry I made you feel that way.  The truth is, I stopped trusting myself.”

“Yourself?  What do you mean?”

“I went and I did something kind of foolish.  I didn’t intend to.  I honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was already done, and it was too late to turn back.”

“I...don’t have any clue what you’re talking about.”

“I know.  I need to just come out and say it.”  Taking a deep breath, she looked up and met his eyes.  “James, I’ve gone and...I’ve...I think I’m in love with you and frankly, I’m scared out of my mind.”

“Oh.”

 

 


	35. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Warning: Fluff-filled chapter ahead. ;-) Probably not quite as bad as the next one, but this is pure fun. Hope you enjoy!  
> Please let me know what you think. I always appreciate any and all feedback.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh.”

Shepard felt her heart fall.  That certainly wasn’t the worst reaction she’d imagined him having, but it was far from what she’d hoped.  She’d finally admitted the truth out loud.  Now he was just standing there, staring at her, and all he’d had to say was, ‘ _oh_ ’.  Several seconds passed in complete silence.  Her mind started racing, thinking of all the ways this could go wrong.  Her biggest fear right now was that she’d just ruined their friendship.

“James, I’m sorry.  That was completely unprofessional, and I wa-”

She was suddenly cut off as he took two quick steps towards her, pulled her into his arms and kissed her.  Hard.  She realized that he had been fighting this just as much as she had. Everything else faded away, and all she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears.  It took the breath right out of her, and when he finally pulled back and looked into her eyes, all she could say was, “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“This is probably a really bad idea.”

“Oh, it definitely is.”

“I don’t care.”

He grinned. “Me either.  So now what?”

She sighed.  “I don’t know.”  Reaching a hand up, she cupped his cheek and said, “I wish we could figure it out under better circumstances.”

“Me too, Lola.”  He grabbed her hand and led her over to the couch, sitting and pulling her down beside him.  Turning towards her, he asked,  “How long have you felt this way?”

“I don’t even know.  I finally admitted it to myself on the dreadnought, when I was afraid you were dead.”

“So, that’s why you were acting weird, and why you didn’t take me with to Rannoch?”

She nodded.  “I...I need to find a way to keep my heart from stopping every time you simply do your job.  The thought of losing you scares me more than anything the Reapers want to do to me.  That’s also what made me hesitate to tell you.  I was afraid it would ruin our friendship.”

“Yeah, I...get that.”

“How long have you…”  She trailed off, realizing that he hadn’t voiced exactly what his feelings were for her.

Her grabbed her chin and gently forced her to meet his eyes.  “Known that I’d fallen in love with you?”

Her heart skipped a beat, and she couldn’t reply.  She simply nodded.

“Since that night, after the coup attempt, sitting right here on this couch.  Having you sleeping in my arms felt...right.  And that’s when I knew I was in trouble.”

“Yeah...trouble.”

“The best kind of trouble there is, Lola.  And I’m so glad that you feel the same way.  I don’t know how a guy like me got so lucky, but that doesn’t mean I won’t take _full_ advantage.”

Then he winked at her, bringing his head down and meeting her lips with his own.  This time it was softer, gentler, but her reaction was no different.  Her heart raced and her senses focused on the man that caused it.  He smelled like sweat and gun oil, and she tasted a hint of something both spicy and sweet.  As he tangled his fingers in her hair, she brought her hands up, feeling the hardness of his chest beneath his shirt.

She was so completely lost in the moment that when EDI’s voice came through the comm, she almost jumped out of her skin.

“Commander, Admiral Hackett would liked to speak with you on the QEC.”

Shepard groaned and laid her forehead against James’.

“I should probably go take care of that.”  She looked up at him.  “Can we, uh, pick this up later?”

He grinned.  “Count on it.  We’re headed to the Citadel, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you are under orders to relax, correct?”

She eyed him suspiciously.  “I am.”

“Excellent.”  He jumped up, pulling her with him.  Leading her towards the door and into the elevator, he punched the button for the CIC and then the button for the lower deck.  Then he turned towards her and said, “I have some things to take care of, but I’ll talk to you later.  You go talk to your Admiral.”

He placed a quick kiss on her lips as the door opened to the CIC.  She could see Traynor out of the corner of her eye, trying desperately to pretend she hadn’t seen anything.  James must have noticed as well, because as Shepard walked out of the elevator, he patted her bottom, winked at Traynor, and said, “Hey, Sam!”  Shepard watched the other woman turn a brilliant shade of red as the doors closed and James disappeared.

She really should have been mad at him for the complete lack of professionalism, but she instead found herself grinning like a fool as she walked towards the QEC.  For what felt like the first time in years, she was really and truly happy.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James headed straight towards the Kodiak when he exited the elevator, knowing he would find Cortez fiddling with some part of it or another.

“Hey, Esteban!  Where are you?”

The pilot stepped around the far end of the shuttle, giving James a questioning look.  “Need something Mr. Vega?”

“Yeah, I do.  You’re the procurement guy.  Do you think you could _procure_ a few things for me quickly as soon as we dock on the Citadel?”

“What exactly are you looking for and how soon do you need it?”

Good question.  

“EDI?”

“Yes, Lieutenant Vega?”

“What time are we due to dock at the Citadel?”

“Approximately 1300 hours, Lieutenant.”

“Thanks.”  James turned back towards Cortez.  “So, uh, by about 1700 hours?  As far as the _what_ , I was hoping you might have some suggestions.”

Raising a brow, the pilot said, “Okay.  How about a new t-shirt?  Maybe one that actually fits.”

“Oh, pretend you don’t like it all you want, Esteban, but I know the truth.  Besides, that’s not what I meant.”

“So, what _did_ you mean?”

“I...uh…”  James stuttered, suddenly unsure about how much he should share.  He was going to need help to pull this off, so he’d just have choose the right people-and hope they could be discrete.  “Actually, hold that thought.  EDI?  Can you ask Scars and Sparks-er, Garrus and Tali to come down here?”

“Right away, Lieutenant.”

Cortez was staring at him in confusion, so James shrugged.  “I only want to explain it once.”

“Uh-huh.  You’re acting a little...weird.  Weirder than usual.”

“Funny.  Hey, EDI?”

He could swear he heard the AI _sigh_ before she responded.  “Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Do you know what the Commander has planned once we dock?  Specifically, do you think she will be away from the ship for a while?”

“I believe so, yes.  Dr. Chakwas has asked her to broker a trade for medical supplies, and it sounds like Admiral Hackett wants her to pay a visit to a Dr. Bryson.”

“Would you be able to make sure she stays away from the ship until at least 1800 hours?”

“Possibly.  For what reason?”

Both Garrus and Tali had arrived and were just walking up to where the two men were standing next to the shuttle.  He looked around and met everyone’s eyes as he said, “Okay, you all keep this to yourselves, okay?”

They all gave him curious looks (at least he assumed Tali did), but nodded.  EDI answered in the affirmative as well.  Taking a deep breath, he laid out his plan to them.  He was grateful that they all seemed to think it was a good idea and helped him figure out the details.  The quarian did a lot of giggling, and both Garrus and Steve kept smirking at him, but he knew it would all be worth it in the end.  He was going to give Lola a night she’d never forget.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard, may I ask you a question about human behavior?”

“EDI, now is not really the best time.  I just want to get back to the Normandy.”

“It should only take a few moments.  But...it would require showing you something in the Presidium Commons.”

Sighing, Shepard reluctantly agreed and steered the rented skycar towards their new destination.  This ‘relaxing’ trip to the Citadel had only started four hours ago, and it had already proven anything but.  It had started off okay, negotiating for medical supplies, but then she’d had to deal with shady mercenaries at Aria’s behest.  It had left her feeling dirty, but had also left her with several squads willing to help in the fight against the Reapers.  She’d already sacrificed friends to this war.  What were a few morals?

And all of that was before she’d gone to visit Dr. Bryson.  After learning of his research, she’d watched in horror as his assistant had shot him in cold blood.  The poor boy had been showing signs of indoctrination, and seemed genuinely distraught when he’d realized what he’d done.  She and EDI had gone through Bryson’s lab, looking for clues to help them locate this ‘Leviathan’, and they’d come up with a couple of promising leads.  But she was still under doctor-ordered rest from active duty, so it would have to wait a day or two.

She maneuvered the skycar into an empty spot near the Commons.  As she was exiting the vehicle, she received an incoming hail on her omni-tool.  She looked down to see it was from James.  She hadn’t had a chance to talk to him since they parted on the elevator early this morning.  He’d kept himself busy until they had docked.  

Despite the rough last few hours, she smiled as she answered his hail.  “Hey you.”

“Hey, Lola.  I heard you had a rough trip.  How are you doing?”

“Well, you know.  I made deals with criminals, watched a man bleed out in front of me, and now I’m...well, I’m not sure _what_ I’m doing.  Helping an AI become more human, I think.  So, pretty typical day, all in all.”

“For you?  Yeah.”

“Seriously though, I’m...okay.”

“You know you’re supposed to be taking it easy, right?”

“This _is_ taking it easy for me.  That’s the sad part.”

“I know you’re not gunning down husks or wrestling brutes, but this still isn’t _relaxing_.”

She gave a short laugh.  “I’m not sure I even remember how to do that.”

“What if you had someone to remind you?  Will you let me take you on a date tonight, Lola?”

“A date?”

She could hear him chuckling on the other end.  “Yeah, it’s what normal people do when they like each other and want to spend time together.”

“Aw, Vega, I’m hurt.  You don’t like the places I’ve been taking you?”

“Don’t get me wrong.  Tuchanka is beautiful this time of year, but the giant Reaper sort of killed the mood.”

Laughing, she said, “All right Lieutenant.  I accept.  What should I wear on this date?”

“As long as it’s not armor or fatigues, It doesn’t matter.”  There was a slight pause, then, “Those yoga pants were kinda sexy.”

“Yoga pants?  What kind of date is this?”

“A _relaxing_ one.  Pay attention.  So, I can pick you up at your place in about an hour and a half.  Does that work for you?”

“At my place?  The captain’s cabin?”  She laughed.  He made her do that a lot, and it was a wonderful feeling in the middle of all this darkness.  “Sounds good.  Can’t wait.”

“Me either.  Later, Lola.”

As she disconnected the call, she turned towards EDI.

“So, what did you need to show me, and what is your question?”

“Actually, Commander, I believe my question has already been answered.  Thank you.  I think I will head back to the Normandy now.”

Shaking her head, she watched the AI walk away.   _What the hell_?  EDI had been spending too much time with Joker-she clearly had a touch of crazy.  Oh well.  She had a little free time now, and a date to get ready for.  And she was surrounded by shops. Smiling to herself, she thought that despite the last few hours, this day might just end on a high note.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James stepped into the shuttle bay to find his four co-conspirators were waiting for him.

“Everything all set?”

Tali nodded.  “Yes.”  Even though he couldn’t see it, he knew she was grinning behind her helmet.  “She’s going to love it, James.”

“She deserves it.”

Steve stepped forward, handing James a small bag as he said, “No one could argue with you on that point.  We’ll get out of the way now.  Just don’t…just stay away from the Kodiak.  Please.”

“No promises, Esteban.”  Turning serious, he said, “Thanks guys, for helping me out with this.”

Garrus dropped a hand on his shoulder and said, “Don’t get a big head, Jimmy.  We did it for her.”

James knew Garrus was joking, but he was completely serious when he said, “I know.  And I’m incredibly grateful that she is surrounded by people who care for and support her.”

Then he winked at them.  “Now get out of here.  And EDI, I don’t just mean that platform.  All the way out of here.  I don’t care what your boyfriend says.”

EDI smirked-actually _smirked_.  She was becoming more human every day.  “Understood, Lieutenant.”

As they all entered the elevator to leave, James took one last pass through to double-check that everything was ready.  Satisfied, he made his own way to the elevator, and waited for it to come back down to him.  When the doors opened, he stepped in and punched the button for the top floor.  Opening the bag Steve had handed him, he smiled at the sight that greeted him.  It was perfect.  He quickly put it behind his back as the elevator opened to his destination.  Then he stepped up to her door and knocked.

When it opened in front of him, he was pretty sure his jaw hit the floor.  She was wearing the yoga pants that clung to her in all the right places, and on top of that she’d added a deep red v-neck tank that was cut just low enough to leave him wanting more.  But the real kicker, at least for him, was her hair.  He’d only ever seen her with it either in a ponytail or a regulation bun.  Tonight it fell in soft waves down to her shoulders, and he desperately wanted to run his fingers through it.

He heard her clear her throat and looked at her face to find her smirking at him.   _Dios_.  He was in so much trouble.

 

 


	36. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Posting a day early as I will be busy all day tomorrow, and I’m not sure I’ll get a chance then.  
> So, here’s 'the date'. James surprises even me sometimes. I should warn you that things are definitely rated ‘M’ towards the end. Not my strong suit, but hopefully it’s at least okay. ;-)  
> I appreciate all the comments, please keep them coming! All the feedback I received just makes me want to write more, more, more. :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

_4 months ago, Vancouver_

_James watched as Shepard frowned and pushed the food around on her plate.  He’d been sitting at the table with her for an hour, and she’d only taken a few bites._

_“What gives, Lola?”_

_“I’m just sick of the same old crap every damn day.  Tasteless, lumpy mush for breakfast. Some sort of mystery meat formed into a patty and served on a hard bun for lunch.  And I’m not even sure what this dinner is supposed to be, but it tastes like sawdust.  I mean, seriously.  It’s not enough that they are keeping me on house arrest.  They have to torture me too.”_

_“Don’t tell me you’re a food snob.”_

_She glared at him.  He couldn’t help but laugh, which just caused her to glare harder._

_“I am not a food snob, I just...like a little flavor.  Is that so wrong?”_

_“Okay, so what’s your favorite food?”_

_“Oh, that’s a tough one.  Anything can be good if it’s seasoned properly.  My dad was Italian and loved cooking, so I grew up with a lot of homemade food. Not just Italian either.  He learned how to cook a lot of things from scratch.  He made the absolute best key lime pie I’ve ever had.  I’d ask for it every year instead of a birthday cake.”_

_She had a faraway look in her eye as she continued, “There was also this older lady who lived down the street from us.  She’d babysit from time to time.  She grew up on Earth, in the southwestern United States.  Oh, the foods she introduced me to.”_

_“Really?  Like what?”_

_“Oh, everything she made was great.  Flautas, enchiladas...and she made the best tacos.  Nothing like you find in any of the restaurants, but fresh and delicious.  She grew most of the ingredients herself, and everything was homemade.  My personal favorite was when she would have to watch us overnight, and she’d make us breakfast.  Huevos rancheros.”_

_“You’re shitting me.”_

_She looked up at him in surprise.  “No, why would I be?”_

_He shook his head.  “I guess you wouldn’t.  It’s just that my abuela used to make that for me, and it was my favorite too.”_

_“That means you have good taste.”_

_She smiled at him, and he found himself wishing she would do it more.  This house arrest they had her under was slowly draining her spirit.  It was the worst part of this assignment, watching this vibrant, amazing woman fade under the scrutiny and isolation of her situation._

_But the best part of it was the times like this, when he realized that he could make her smile, or laugh, and bring part of that back.  That was something he would never grow tired of.  In that moment, he made it his personal mission to make her laugh and smile as often as he could._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard couldn’t help but smirk when she opened the door and watched James’ expression.  He clearly liked what he saw.  She was enjoying her view as well.  While it wasn’t the Alliance-issue he usually wore, the tee he had on still clung to his chest in the same tantalizing way, and his jeans fit just right.  Clearing her throat, she watched his eyes snap back to hers, and she could see a deep blush creep into his cheeks.

“You clean up very well, James.”

“Uh, thanks.  Not too bad yourself, Lola.”

She laughed.  “You are such a sweet talker.”

Grinning, he said, “Lola, if I told you what I was _really_ thinking right now, this date would probably be over before it started.”

“Oh?  Is that right?”  As she walked past him into the elevator, she winked and said, “Well then, maybe you should hold that thought until you drop me off later.”

As he followed her into the elevator, she heard him talking under his breath.

“ _Vas ser la muerte de mí_.” ******

“Oh, but I guarantee you’ll love every minute of it.”

She couldn’t help but laugh when he looked at her in surprise.  “You understood that?”

“Enough to get the gist.”

“Hmm.  That is...interesting.”

She watched as he pushed the button for the shuttle bay.  Her curiosity was piqued.  “We aren’t going to the Citadel?”

“Nope.”

“Ah.  So…”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I see.  What’s in the bag?” She pointed to the bag he was still holding behind his back.  His surprised look told her that he’d completely forgotten about it.

“Oh yeah.  I didn’t think you were a flowers kind of girl, so I got you this.”

He handed her the bag and she was surprised at how heavy it was.  Peaking inside, she couldn’t stop the huge grin that broke out on her face.

“It’s beautiful!  You really shouldn’t have, though.”

James shrugged.  “You desperately needed a new one, and I think this fits with your fighting style better than anything else out there.”

She smirked at him.  “No, I meant you shouldn’t have been _able_ to get this. The M-11 Wraith is only available _legally_ through Spectre Requisitions.”

“Ah.  Well, what can I say?  Esteban works magic.”

She narrowed her eyes.  "Are you corrupting my shuttle pilot, Vega?"

He laughed.  “No corrupting necessary.”  As the doors opened to the shuttle bay, he said softly, “Don’t you know that everyone on this ship would already do anything for you?”

She looked at him and opened her mouth to reply but then she caught sight of what should have been the shuttle bay, and the words died on her lips.

“What...happened to the shuttle bay?”

Shepard walked slowly into the room, with James trailing closely behind.

“Well, I thought long and hard, and I decided that nowhere on the Citadel would really be relaxing.  You are too easily recognizable, and wherever you go there are people asking you to rescue someone, or recover some object or another.  And you always do it, because that’s who you are, but that’s not what tonight is supposed to be about.”

She stood in awe, looking around at the changes that had been made.  There were gauzy curtains hanging all around, covering the weapons lockers and shuttles, and making the room seem smaller and cozier.  The lights were off, but candles had been placed on stands throughout the space.  In the middle of the room was a table set for two, with a small, bow-topped box in the center.  In the far corner a comfy looking couch sat facing a large screen.  Soft music was coming from the overhead comms.  She turned back towards James.

“What is all this?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”  He pointed to the table set for two and said, “Dinner.”  Then he turned towards the setup in the corner.  “And a movie.  Fairly generic date, I know, but-”

“But it’s all just for me.” He simply nodded, and she asked, “How did you do all this?”

“Well, I didn’t do it all.  I had help. Like I was saying in the elevator, everyone on this ship would bend over backwards to help you in any way.  Tali, Garrus, Esteban, and EDI all helped put this together.  Esteban got everything I asked for, and did it quickly.  Don’t tell him I said so, but he’s a miracle worker.  Tali and Garrus worked on getting it all set up and EDI mostly helped by stalling you from coming back to the ship too soon.”

“Ah. So she hasn’t gone crazy.”  She could feel tears forming.  No one had ever done anything quite like this for her.  “James, this is amazing.  Thank you.”

He grinned.  “I’m just getting started, Lola.”

He grabbed her hand and led her over to the table, pulling her chair out for her and pushing it back in as she sat down.  There were two covered plates already sitting on the table.  She nodded towards them as he sat down across from her.

“What is this?”

“Dinner.  Go ahead, lift the cover off.”

She did exactly that.  When she saw what was sitting there, she couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry.  She looked up to see an uncertain smile on James' face.

"Hope you don't mind breakfast for dinner."

“Huevos rancheros.  I can't believe you remembered.”

“Of course I did.  My abuela taught me how to make it.  I’m not as good at it as she was, but hopefully I did all right.”

“You made this all by yourself?”

“I did.”

“You are just full of surprises tonight, James Vega.”

They continued their lighthearted conversation into the meal.  It tasted amazing, and it reminded her of those simpler, happier days on Mindoir.  She talked about her family and friends, and she realized that although it was sad, it was also nice to be able to share the memories with another person.  James talked of his mother and grandmother, and Shepard could tell that the two women had played a huge part in shaping the man sitting across from her.

When they had finished the meal, James reached for the small box in the center of the table.  He picked it up and handed it to her.

“This I did not make myself.  But I have been assured that it is the absolute best available on the Citadel, and that it was made fresh today.”

Curious, she opened the box.  It was absolutely perfect.

“Key lime pie.  And it’s not even my birthday.”

“Consider it a late birthday.  Your real birthday was spent under house arrest anyway.  This is a much better way to celebrate.”

“I can’t argue with that.  There’s only one slice.  Don’t you want some?”

He shrugged.  “If we still want more later, the rest of the pie is upstairs in the fridge.  With a letter threatening loss of limb if anyone steals any of it.  I figured we could share this one.”  He tilted his head towards the corner of the room.  “Over there on the sofa.”

She grinned.  “Sounds like a plan.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later, as the credits to the movie rolled, James reflected on the evening.  From the way Shepard was curled up beside him on the couch, with her head resting on his lap, he thought he had been successful in getting her to relax.  She had smiled and laughed often throughout the night, and he hoped that meant she had been able to put the stresses of everything else out of her mind, if only for a day.

He felt her shift on the couch and looked down to see her smiling up at him.

“I’ve never seen that version of _The Hobbit_ before.  How did you find it?”

“I did a little research, and according to the general consensus of the, uh, very _opinionated_ people of the extranet, the 2098 version was the absolute best.  What did you think?”

“I’d have to say that they were probably right.  I’ve never seen another one that captured the actual heart of the book so well.  Thank you for finding it for me.”

“Ah, it was nothing.”

She sat up and turned to face him.  “This was not _nothing_.  Everything you did tonight was absolutely amazing and perfect.  You remembered things I told you that I barely remembered myself, and made this whole evening so personal.  And you pulled it all off in a matter of hours.”

“With a little help from our friends.”

“But the ideas were yours.”

“Mostly, yes.  The decoration was all Tali, though.”

She smiled, and there was a mischievous twinkle in her eyes that made his pulse quicken.

“So, _Lieutenant_ …You ready to tell me what you were _really_ thinking when you showed up at my door earlier?”

Grinning, he said, “I’ve never heard my rank sound quite so... _sexy_ before.”

She leaned forward, stopping with her face inches from his.  Her voice was soft and low as she said,  “You didn’t answer my question.”

James swallowed hard.  She was trying to kill him, he was sure of it.

“Well...uh…”  

She leaned in even closer and he lost the ability to speak.  So he simply reached up, pulling her that final inch, and captured her lips with his own.  She reacted by snaking her hand behind his neck and pulling him even closer.  Tangling his fingers in her hair, he slowly deepened the kiss, probing her lips with his tongue.  She granted the entrance he was requesting with a soft moan that made his blood boil.  He could still taste the lingering sweet-tartness of the pie.  Dropping his hands to her waist, he pulled her over so that she was straddling his lap.  As trailed her hands down his back, he moved his up hers and pulled her close, until their bodies were crushed against each other.  She moved her hands under his shirt, raking her nails up and down his back, and then around to his chest.  

When she started to move them lower, he couldn’t take any more.  He abruptly broke the kiss and stood up, still hanging on to her tightly.  She wrapped her legs around his waist to keep from falling, and then dropped her forehead onto his shoulder.

“What gives, James?”

He started walking towards the elevator, carrying her the entire way, before he answered.

“I have been wanting this, wanting _you_ , for longer than I have even admitted to myself.”  He stepped into the elevator and pushed the button for her cabin.  Then he gently pulled her head back with one hand and looked into her eyes.  “The first time I make love to you is _not_ going to be on a couch in the middle of the goddamn shuttle bay.”

The crooked grin she gave him in return caused his heart to do a flip.  “You are _such_ a romantic.  Who would’ve thought?”

“No, I’m a gentleman.”

“No….well, maybe.  But you are _also_ a romantic.  All that other stuff just proves it.”

He pretended to consider before grinning and saying, “Okay, maybe I am.  Is that a problem?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Good.”

The elevator doors opened and he carried her through and into her quarters.  Walking over to her bed, he gently laid her down.  When she started to reach for him, he shook his head, grabbing her hands and pinning them above her head.  He climbed onto the bed and straddled her, keeping her hips pinned with his weight and her hands pinned with his left hand.

“So, Lola, you really want to know what I was thinking when you opened your door earlier?”

“Most definitely.”

“Well, first I noticed this shirt.  It’s kind of evil, you know.”

Shepard raised a brow.  “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it’s very evil to tease a man that way.  Giving me just enough of a view that I want more.  We need to do something about that.”

He let go of her hands and lifted the shirt up and over her head, quickly pinning her hands back down as he tossed it to the side.

“Second, I noticed these pants.  They way they fit your body should probably be illegal.  In fact, I think it might be.”

“Are you going to turn me in?”

He shook his head.  “No, but I’ll help you get rid of the evidence.”

He moved quickly, removing the pants in one movement.  She now lay beneath him in just a black lacy bra and panty set.  

“Much better.  But there’s still your hair.”

She looked up at him in surprise.  “My hair?”

James nodded.  “I can see why the Alliance requires that you keep it up.  It can drive a man to distraction.  I just kinda want to do this with it…”

He released her hands and brought both his hands to tangle in her hair.  Then he pulled her up for another fiery kiss.  With her hands suddenly free, she didn’t waste any time in removing his clothing.  She pulled his shirt up over his head, quickly reclaiming his lips as she tossed it to the side and moved to the button on his jeans.  Then continued to alternate frenzied kisses with removing articles of clothing until they were both completely naked.  

That’s when Shepard surprised him by turning the tables and flipping them over so that she had him pinned.  They were both more than ready by this point, so she simply winked at him and said, “My turn.”  And then slowly lowered herself onto him.  So goddamned slowly he thought he was going to lose his mind.  He tried to speed things up by bucking his hips, but she simply lifted hers.  He groaned.

“You _are_ trying to kill me, Lola.  I knew it.”

She lowered herself the rest of the way, slowly rocking her hips as she leaned down to whisper in his ear.

“You aren’t the only one who waited a long time for this.  I’m _savoring_ , James.”

“Dios!  Mercy, por favor!”

She laughed and the sound reverberated through his body, only increasing the sensations he was feeling.  But she apparently took pity on him, as she finally released his hands.  He quickly turned the tables once again, and before long had her begging for mercy.  He sped up his pace and as soon as he felt her climax, he felt his own coming.  After following her over the edge, he collapsed next to her on the bed.

She curled up next to him, laying her head on his chest before saying, “So, can the second time be on the couch?”

Grinning, he replied, “As long as you give me a few minutes to catch my breath, we can do whatever your heart desires.”

She pulled her blankets up over them and said, “Okay.  After a nap.  That was one hell of a first date.”

“Agreed.”

As James drifted off to sleep he couldn’t help but marvel at the incredible luck that brought this amazing woman into his world.  And she was right.  She might be the death of him, but he _was_ going to love every single minute of it.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** According to my daughter in her 5th year of Spanish, this translates to “You’ll be the death of me.” I’m taking her word for it because the extent of my knowledge allows me to count to three. ;-)


	37. Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yikes, I’m pushing it this week. I have to say, chapter updates might not be as regular right now. The company I work for does the majority of their business this time of year, so I’m putting in a lot of overtime. I’m going to really, really try to keep the updates on the same-ish timeframe, but I just can’t promise.  
> This is a slightly shorter chapter, bridging from the light-heartedness of the last few chapters back into the reality of war. All the awesome feedback I get absolutely motivates me, so please keep it coming. I am alway so incredibly grateful for it.  
> As always, BioWare owns it all. I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“So, I presume your date went well.”

Shepard looked up at Liara in surprise.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The asari smirked at her, sitting across from her in the mess.  

“Shepard, come on now.  You know that nothing happens on this ship without Joker knowing about it.  And if Joker knows….”

“Everyone knows.”  Shepard sighed.  “You’re right, I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Now that you're not denying the fact that you and the lieutenant have finally come to your senses, let’s get back to my original question.  It’s noon, and this is the first I’ve seen of either of you all day, so I’m assuming that means things went well.”

“That still wasn’t a question.”

The asari stared at her pointedly.  “Fine.  How did your date go?”

Shepard shook her head, about to reply when she was interrupted by another voice.  “Oh, yes!”  Tali sat down in the empty seat next to Liara.  “I want _details_!”

She just looked at her two friends and sighed.

“Okay, fine.  It was...absolutely wonderful.  He bought me a new shotgun.”

Liara laughed.  “He certainly knows the way to your heart.”

Shepard looked over to where James stood, talking with Garrus outside the Med Bay.  He saw her looking and winked at her before turning his attention back to the turian.  She smiled.

“That he does.”  Turning back to Liara, she continued, “I have to say, though, it feels wrong to be happy right now.”

“I understand why you would feel that way, Shepard, but you really shouldn’t.”  Liara reached over and laid her hand on her friend’s.  “You deserve to be happy, and _no one_ thinks that you would forget about everything else going on out there just because you are.  You just have one more thing to fight for now.”

“Thank you.  I am happy, you know.  It was actually quite romantic.  He cooked my favorite meal for me, and found an obscure movie that he knew I would like.”  She turned towards Tali and smiled.  “I understand I have you to thank for helping to set it up.”

The quarian shrugged.  “I’m glad I could do something for you, Shepard.  I owe you way more than that.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Tali.  But I do appreciate it.  It was an amazing night, and I’m glad I have such wonderful friends.”

“Yes, well.  If I followed you to Ilos and through the Omega 4 Relay, you should probably know by now there isn't much I _wouldn't_ do for you.  And while all of that does sound wonderful, Shepard, I think you’re leaving out some details.”  Tali spoke in a teasing tone as she continued, “Because I don’t see how that kept you busy until noon today.”

Shepard thought back to the previous night-and this morning.  She was certainly leaving out plenty of details.  Despite the late hour, they hadn’t gotten much actual sleep.  And they would have been out here a few hours earlier, but her morning shower had taken a _lot_ longer with company-and had needed to be repeated.  James had been _very_ convincing when he’d argued that she was still under doctor’s orders to relax, and taking a few extra hours to do so was not only okay, but necessary.

Shepard laughed before she turned towards Tali and said, “You don’t see how a nice evening could lead to a late morning?  Someone really needs to have a talk with Garrus.”

She couldn’t see it, but Shepard knew that the quarian was blushing behind her mask as she started stuttering.

“I-I..that’s not..I don’t know what you are talking about.  I mean I _do_ , but... _keelah_!”

Laughing again before taking pity on her friend, Shepard said.  “I know what you were getting at, but I’m afraid those are all of the details you’re going to get.”  She stood up and gathered her things.  “I’ve got some reports to go over, and plans to make.  As soon as Chakwas clears me, we’re going after Leviathan.”

She said her goodbyes and then started to walk away, but stopped when a thought occurred to her.  Turning back towards the table, she said, “There was something that I wanted to talk to you both about later, though.  I want to take advantage of your expertise, Tali.  Can you guys meet me in the AI core in about three hours?”

They both nodded, and Shepard took off towards the bridge.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After spending two hours poking around in Dr. Bryson’s lab with EDI, Shepard had a pretty good idea of where to locate Dr. Garneau.  With a starting point in their search for Leviathan, she was anxious to get underway.  She still had about twenty minutes before her meeting with Tali and Liara, so she headed to the Med Bay to pay Dr. Chakwas a visit.  She’d actually felt fine since waking up yesterday, and she was hoping she could get cleared a little early.  

When she walked in, she found Liara already there chatting with the doctor.  Not wanting to interrupt, she turned and started to go back out the door.  She was stopped by Dr. Chakwas’ voice.

"Commander.  Coming to to see when you are free from restrictions?”

Shepard laughed and turned around.  "You know me well, doc.  But I didn't want to interrupt."

“Don’t let me stop you, Shepard.”  Liara smiled at her.  “I was just catching up with Karin while I waited for you and Tali.  We haven’t had much downtime since the war began.”

Dr. Chakwas indicated towards an exam table.  “Have a seat, Commander, and I’ll run a few quick scans.”  She positioned her equipment and started her scans before continuing.  “I have to admit that I’m surprised.  I expected you to be in here earlier petitioning for release, but I understand you were otherwise occupied.”

“Oh, for crying out loud!  If he wasn’t such damn good pilot, I would space him.”

“Did I say it was Joker?”

Shepard didn’t answer.  Instead she directed a pointed look at the doctor, who just laughed in response.

“Point taken.  He does gossip worse than anyone I’ve ever met.  Anyways, I’m just glad that you took my advice and that _someone_ was able to get you to relax, if even for a moment.  Heaven knows I’ve been trying for years.”

“Yes, well, the sooner you let me get back to gathering resources for this war, the sooner it’s over.  And then I can relax forever.  Preferably on a beach somewhere.”  She closed her eyes and leaned back as Dr. Chakwas finished her scans.  “Because that’s what I plan on doing when this is all over.”

She opened her eyes again as she heard the two other women burst into laughter.  “What?”

“I’m sorry, Shepard.”  Liara held her side as she continued, “It’s just the idea of you relaxing for more than a day is actually quite hilarious.”

“You guys have only known me during the most stressful three years of my life.  I mean, I’ve had some really bad moments in my life.  Mindoir, Akuze...but there’s been a lot of pretty crazy times shoved into the last few years.  And I’ll have you remember that I _was_ dead for two of them.  It doesn’t get much more relaxed than that.”

Liara abruptly stopped laughing.  “Shepard, that’s horrible!”

“Oh, come on.  If you can’t laugh at your own death, what’s the point?”

The asari just shook her head while Dr. Chakwas chuckled.  “Well, besides a twisted sense of humor, another benefit would be these implants of yours.  You've healed remarkably fast, Shepard."

"So does that mean I’m cleared for duty?"

"Reluctantly, yes.  But will you at least do me a favor and wait until tomorrow?  Get one more good night of sleep.”

Shepard grinned.  “Okay.”

“I don’t like that look.  I said s _leep_.”

Rolling her eyes, she replied, “Funny.  What I was _actually_ thinking was that it gives Joker just enough time to get us to the Aysur System so we can do a little recon before going after Garneau.”

The doctor still looked skeptical, but Shepard was saved from her reply when Tali walked in the door.  

Jumping off the table, she said, “See ya, doc,” and headed towards the AI core at the back of the room.  At the last second, a thought occurred to her.  Turning back, she said, “What about you?”

Dr. Chakwas looked surprised.  “What _about_ me?”

“Well, you gave good advice, which I followed.  But I seem to remember that you should have been following it yourself.”

“Ah.  No.  As I said before, it’s not as simple.  He’s…very busy and far away.  When this is all over, then...maybe.”

“That would make sense. _If_ the risks in this war weren’t so great, and _if_ there wasn’t a good possibility that you might not have another chance.  From what you’ve said, I assume he’s in the Alliance?”  Dr. Chakwas nodded.  “And you at least know that he’s still alive, not one of the many missing?”

“Yes.”

“Then it seems to me that at the very least, you could talk to him and just let him know that you want him to keep safe.  And you’ll need to talk more at the end of this war.”  Shepard looked over to where Liara stood talking with Tali in the AI core, remembering the asari's words from earlier.  Turning back, she continued, “Give you both one more thing to fight for.”

The doctor didn’t immediately respond, instead looking at Shepard with an expression that she couldn't interpret.  Finally, she smiled and said, “You make a compelling point.  I will give it some thought.”

Shepard grinned.  “Good."  As she headed through the door, she added over her shoulder, "Just don't _think_ too long before you _do_."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Liara waited as Shepard finished up her conversation with the doctor, and then joined her and Tali i the AI core.  She had a hunch that whatever the commander wanted to talk to them about involved the Crucible project, so she’d gathered as much data as she could and put in on an OSD for Tali.

Holding it out now, she said, “Shepard, I assumed whatever you wanted to talk about has to do with the Crucible?”  When the commander nodded, Liara passed the OSD to Tali.  “This contains all the data I have on it, Tali.  Please share it with anyone who you think can help make sense of it.”

“I’m concerned about what exactly will happen when this weapon is fired,” Shepard broke in.  “If it is something that can wipe out the Reapers, what else will be caught in it’s path?  Obviously, my number one concern would be anything involving Reaper tech.  Like EDI, for example.  And the relays, the citadel...even the Geth have Reaper upgrades now.  Tali, I’d like you to work with EDI and the Geth to see what you can figure out.  And like Liara said, anyone else who you think could be of help.  Brainstorm ideas to minimize any possible damage.  I worked hard to get us to a place where we can all get along with each other.  I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the Reapers take that with them when we blow them to hell.”

Liara smiled as Tali said, “Right away, Shepard.  I know a couple of people who’ve done a good deal of research on the relays.  I’ll make sure to pull them in.”

“Good.  Well, that was easy.  Keep me informed of anything you find.  I understand this thing is probably our only real chance, but I don’t like how little we really know about it.”

Liara nodded.  “I agree one hundred percent.  I certainly feel better knowing you are looking into it, Tali.  I’ve never known anyone quite so resourceful as yourself.”

Tali laughed.  “That’s just part of being a quarian, but thank you.”

The three of them walked out of the AI core, back into the Med Bay.  Liara hung back as the other two continued on out of the room.  As the door closed behind them, she turned back towards Dr. Chakwas.

“Karin, how much do you know about the, um, _upgrades_ that Cerberus gave Shepard?”

“Not as much as I’d like, to be honest.  They weren’t exactly keen on sharing their secrets with me.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.  I’ve uncovered some of the information, and I believe I can get more from Ms. Lawson.  Would you do me a favor and look it all over?”

“Absolutely.  What am I looking for?”

“Well, Shepard has some concerns about the Crucible that I have to admit I share.  What I want to know is how dependent she is on those implants.”

Dr. Chakwas looked concerned.  “What do you mean exactly?”

Liara sighed.  “In case those implants are affected by the weapon we plan on firing...if they stop working…”  She reluctantly looked up and met the doctor’s eyes.  “I want to make sure we don’t kill Shepard when we destroy the Reapers.”

 

 


	38. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yay! Just barely got it out on time. :) So, this chapter is pretty much the Leviathan DLC, so if you haven’t played that and you are going to: SPOILERS! ;-) I usually try not to do too much of the actual in-game stuff, but the interactions here were important to where I was going.  
> Please let me know what you think! Your feedback is my writing fuel!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

   

 

 

Their search for Dr. Garneau had brought them to T-GES mining location in the Aysur system.  Shepard had felt her unease grow with every step they'd taken through the facility.  Now, as they waited for an Alliance medical crew to arrive and take the T-GES employees into quarantine, that unease had grown into a voice shouting in the back of her head.  These people were missing ten years of their lives.  Whatever it was that they were chasing had the ability to do this _and_ had been able to destroy a Reaper.  Leviathan obviously did not want to be found, and she was starting to wonder if they should be trying so hard.

James obviously shared her concerns.  “Lola, you sure this is a good idea?”

She shook her head.  “No, I’m not.  But at this point, with what we’ve seen, I think we have to find...whatever this thing is.  We’ve seen what it’s capable of, and if it’s an enemy in this war, we need to know sooner rather than later.”

“It kept these people as thralls for _ten years_ ,”  Kaidan interjected.  “I think it’s safe to say it’s not a _friend_.”

“I agree with you, Kaidan.  But even if it’s not a friend, there’s still the possibility that it could end up being an ally.”

When both men gave her identical, dubious expressions, she couldn’t stop the laugh that burst forth.  They both looked at her in confusion, which only caused her to laugh harder.

“Something you said, Major?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, Lieutenant.”

She couldn’t respond, but she heard Garrus speak from behind her.  “If I had to hazard a guess, I would say it has something to do with the fact that you two are doing the exact same things with your faces right now.”

Regaining her composure, Shepard nodded.  “Just a few days ago, I was worried that one of you was going to seriously injure the other.  If I’d know that all I had to do to get you to work together was make questionable decisions, I’d have done it sooner.”

James smirked at Kaidan.  “She’s happy because we both agree that she’s crazy.  And _she’s_ the one laughing at _us_?”

The major just laughed in response, and Shepard smiled.  She really was just happy that everyone was getting along.  They certainly had enough other, _bigger_ problems to focus on.  Looking back towards the large group of people who were just now coming to terms with how much of their lives they had missed out on, she knew where they needed to turn that focus.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Have you had a chance to look over Garneau’s data?”

“I have, and I believe I can extrapolate what your next question will be.  I think I can create a shield for the artifact that is currently residing on the Citadel.  This should prevent Leviathan from using it to take control of anyone there.”

“Excellent.  As soon as the Alliance crew gets here, I want you and I to head back to Bryson’s lab.  We need to find this thing as fast as we can.”

“Agreed, Commander.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Ann?”

“The darkness must not be breached.”

“Ann!  Shit!”  Shepard quickly turned towards Kaidan.  “Shoot that goddamned sphere _now_!  James, help me restrain her so she doesn’t get us all killed.  EDI, contact Cortex and tell him to get his ass over here ASAP.”

She didn’t wait for a response.  Instead she tackled Dr. Ann Bryson, the daugher of the late Dr. Garret Bryson, as she left their cover and was heading towards a large group of cannibals.  The doctor was stronger than she looked, and Shepard was glad for James’ assistance in dragging her back to cover.  She knew the second Kaidan had destroyed the artifact, because Ann immediately stopped struggling and sagged in her arms.

Kneeling down in front of her, Shepard searched her eyes.  “Ann?”

“Yes?”

Sighing with relief, Shepard continued, “Our shuttle is on it’s way to pick us up.  We’re going to go clear the landing zone.  Stay in cover for now, but the minute you see that shuttle, you start running towards it.  We’ll cover you.  Understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

She motioned for her squad to follow and headed out of cover.  There seemed to be an endless stream of cannibals and marauders coming from above, below, and around them.  She knew it had only been a few minutes, but had felt like hours when she heard Cortez’s voice in her ear.

“Commander, you have an incoming harvester!  I can’t land until that thing is gone!”

“Copy that, Lieutenant.”  She peaked out from behind her current cover and saw the harvester coming in from the left.  Speaking to the rest of her squad, she said, “Cortez can’t land until we get rid of that harvester.  EDI, I want you to drop back to cover Dr. Bryson, while Kaidan, James, and I focus on that thing.”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Switch over to your incendiary ammo, guys.  Lets burn this fucker.  James, how many grenades do you have left?”

“Uh...five.”

“Good.  Use them all.”

“Aye, aye.”

From behind cover, they slowly whittled away at the harvester's thick armor.  With a well-aimed throw off his last grenade, James managed to completely remove one of it’s wings.  It crashed to the ground with a shriek, exploding on impact from whatever the Reapers had _upgraded_ it with.  She heard her shuttle pilot in her ear again.

“Nice one, Mr. Vega!  Commander, I’m clear and on my way.”

“Sounds good, Lieutenant.  EDI, you and Ann still okay?”

“Affirmative, Commander.”

“Good.  Start making your way towards the shuttle.  We’ll cover you until you're both aboard.”

Once they were all safely aboard the shuttle, and on their way back to the Normandy, Shepard crouched down in front of Ann Bryson.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.  What just happened?”

“Leviathan took control of your mind.”

“Leviathan...wait, it did _what_?”

“Somehow, that artifact allows it to control people’s minds.  That’s why we destroyed it.  Doing so severed Leviathan’s connection to you.”

“The Reapers seemed very interested in it.”

Shepard nodded.  “Agreed.  And I was hoping you could help us figure out why, and maybe how to find Leviathan before they do.”  She hesitated briefly before continuing.  “But first, Ann, I have some bad news.”

Dr. Bryson stood up and started pacing back and forth in what little space she could find in the shuttle.  She started speaking rapidly before Shepard could say anything else.

“You really should be talking to my dad about this.  He’s been studying Leviathan a lot longer than I have.  Or is he the one who figured this out?  There was this theory that I remember him mentioning once.  I dismissed it at the time, but maybe...maybe he was onto something.”  She abruptly stopped pacing and looked up at the commander.  “Where is he anyway?  Did he send you to get me?”

Shepard didn’t know what to say.  She was completely caught off guard by the turn in the conversation.  As she grasped for the right words to say, the right way to tell this woman that a piece of her life was gone, James lept into action.  He placed a hand on Ann’s elbow and guided her back to her seat, telling her that she needed to sit down in the cramped shuttle.  He spoke softly to her, trying to distract her.  This allowed Shepard enough time to regain her composure, and she took a seat at the other woman’s side.

“Ann...I’m incredibly sorry to have to tell you this, but your father...There was an incident in his lab, and I’m afraid he’s been killed.”

“He’s been...what?  My father is dead?  What happened?”

“I believe it was Leviathan.  His assistant pulled a gun and shot him.  It happened right in front of me, but I couldn’t react fast enough to stop it.  I’m so sorry.”

“I...I’m going to need to process this.”  Ann took a deep breath, straightening her spine and meeting Shepard’s eyes.  “But we must finish what he started.”

“I agree.  But please don’t rush into anything without taking some time to yourself.”

She nodded.  “I’ll head back to his lab, and spend some time there alone.  I’ll call you when I’m ready, okay?”

Shepard offered a slight smile, and briefly laid her hand on the other woman’s arm.  “Take all the time you need, and I’ll be there when you call.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

After dropping Ann off at the Citadel, Shepard decided to use the time to complete a few smaller missions that Hackett needed help with.  She still couldn’t figure out what the hell Cerberus was up to, but she knew whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.  So she was happy to make small strikes against them and disrupt their operations as much as possible.  They had destroyed a cruiser over Tuchanka and stolen some Intel from one of Cerberus' labs when Ann finally called to say that she had an idea to track down Leviathan.  She wanted to meet at her father’s lab, so Shepard had Joker set a course back to the Citadel and then headed off to find James.  She’d been incredibly grateful for the calming affect he’d had on Ann, and she wanted him to come with when she went back to the lab.

Hours later, when Ann explained her idea to them, she was incredibly grateful to have him there-even if he _was_ trying to talk her out of it.

“This is completely loco.  You cannot be seriously thinking of going along with this, Lola.”

“I can, and I am.  I know it’s crazy, but I think it could work.  And she’s the one who suggested it.  I’m certainly not going to force her to do it, but if she’s willing…”

“You know that logic is bullshit, right?”

She sighed.  “I know.  And _you_ know that under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t even be considering this.  But these _aren't_ normal circumstances.  If we don't stop them, the Reapers are going to wipe out everyone and everything in this galaxy. "

He just stared at her for several long seconds, until he finally sighed and turned away.  He looked over towards where Ann was sitting.

"I still don’t like it.”

She laid a hand on his arm, and said softly, “Do you honestly think I _do_?”

He turned back and met her eyes.  His expression softened slightly, but he didn’t answer her.  Instead, he said, “Let’s just get this over with as quick as possible.”

“Right.  EDI, are you ready to track the signal?”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Okay.  Ann, are you _absolutely_ sure you want to do this?  You don’t have to.”

“I’m positive, Commander Shepard.  We can’t let the Reapers get there first.”  She turned to where James stood behind her and continued, “I know you think I’m crazy, but this thing murdered my father.  I have to do this.”

James nodded.  “Fine.  But I’m going to be right behind you.  I’m putting that barrier back up at the first sign of trouble.”

Ann took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.  “Okay, I’m ready.”

Shepard looked up at James.  “Drop the shield.”

He nodded and hit the button to drop the containment from the artifact.  It immediately started glowing and EDI locked on the signal.  After a very long minute, Ann said she was feeling a chill and suddenly her posture changed.  James dropped her hands onto her shoulders and she started struggling to break free.  Leviathan’s control was was obviously strong because James was struggling to keep her under control.

“Turn back.  The darkness cannot be breached.”

Shepard decided to try and converse with Leviathan while they had the chance.

“I will find you.  And the Reapers are coming right behind me.”

“You!  You will lead them here.  You must be eliminated.”

“I wish you luck.  Many have tried, including the Reapers.  You obviously do not like them.  Maybe we could work together.”

"For what purpose?  The Harvest cannot be stopped."

Shepard heard EDI speak from being her.  "I have narrowed it down to a system, working on narrowing it down to a planet.”

Shepard hesitated.

“Lola?”

She looked up to James and nodded at his unspoken question.  He hit the button to bring the barrier back up and Ann sagged in his arms, the connection to Leviathan terminated.  Shepard rushed over to her.

“Ann?  Talk to me.  Are you okay?”

“Yeah...yeah.  Did it work?”

“EDI?”

“I was able to pinpoint the system.  And with the data we have, we should be able to scan the planets to find Leviathan’s signature when we get there.”

“Good.  Ann, thank you.  You didn’t have to risk yourself like that, but you may have given us a fighting chance by doing so.  I want you to go get checked out, just make sure that everything's okay.  James, can you take her to the medical center?”

He nodded and started towards the door with Ann.  Halfway there, she turned back and met Shepard’s eyes.

“Just find that thing, okay?  No matter what the doctors say, it was worth it if you find that thing.”

“I will.”

Ann nodded and then turned around to continue out the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

James looked up to where Shepard was sitting inside the old diving mech they’d found.  She was getting ready to dive into the ocean in search of Leviathan, and he was convinced that she had some sort of death wish.

“I’m going to find Leviathan.”

“Not in that thing!”

“I obviously can’t take the shuttle.  Do you suggest I swim?”

“I _suggest_ you wait until we can find a better way.  There has to be something we could come up with that doesn’t involve-”

“ _Enough_ , Lieutenant!”  His narrowed his eyes at the use of his rank, but didn’t say anything.  She continued.  “This isn’t a debate.  I’m going down now.  Help Garrus and Kaidan defend the shuttle.  Be ready to clear out of here the minute I get back.”

James was beyond angry.  He understood her thought process, that she felt the need to take drastic measures to win this war.  Really, he did.  But she behaved as if her life meant nothing, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.  She was the only one who could keep everyone working together against their common enemy.  And the Reapers had more respect for her than anything they’d dealt with previously.  

He also had to admit to himself that his personal feelings were dealing heavily his reaction.  He just plain didn’t want to lose her.  But he was a good soldier, and he knew he had been given an order and what the correct response was.

“Aye, aye, _Commander_.”

He saluted and then spun on his heel, heading back towards the shuttle.  Hearing the mech close up behind him, and he chose not to watch as she took it towards the edge of the ship and then over into the ocean.  He stood, frozen in his spot, until he heard Kaidan shout, “Incoming!”

He sprung into action, doing what was second nature to him at this point.  It felt like hours passed as they fought off wave after wave of Reaper troops.  His anxiety grew with every second that went by, and he started to feel guilty for getting angry with her.  He shouldn’t have turned his back on her before she went down there, he should of told her…

“Lieutenant!”  Kaidan’s voice interrupted his line of thinking, and he looked over to see the mech emerging from beneath the waves.  It shot onto the ship, and the hatch opened.  He watched as Shepard stumbled out, collapsing right in the path of two brutes.  He didn’t even think.

“Cover me!”

He ran towards her without even waiting for an acknowledgement from the other men.  But he couldn’t run fast enough.  One of the brutes reached her before he did and raised it’s giant fist.  Time stood still, and he watched in horror as it started to bring it down.  But then it suddenly stopped, inches from her still form.  He reached them just as the brute turned and started attacking the one behind it.

He didn’t waste time dwelling on the incredible turn of luck.  Instead, he picked the commander up into his arms and ran back towards the shuttle.  

“Esteban, is that shuttle ready to go?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what she did, but the pulse is gone.  We should be able to make it back to the Normandy.”

“Good. She’s hurt, so let’s move fast.  Whatever she did has the Reapers fighting each other, but let’s not count on that lasting.”

He ran as fast as his legs could carry him, jumping in the shuttle and laying Shepard gently on the floor.  He vaguely heard Kaidan shouting at Steve to move, while he checked her over for injuries.  There was dried blood under her nose, but he couldn’t see anything else.  He took his gloves off and felt her face.

“Goddamnit, she’s freezing!  Get some blankets!”

He started removing her armor so that he could wrap the blankets around her.

“Come on, Lola.  Please wake up.  I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

She started coughing and he almost cried with relief.  After wrapping several emergency blankets around her, he pulled her with him onto a seat.  With her settled on his lap, he held her tight, trying to bring her body temperature back up.

“J-James?”

“Hey, Lola.  You okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.  I feel like I have a wicked hangover, though.”

The laugh he gave was more relief than anything else.  “You know, there are much more pleasurable ways to get that feeling.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what happened down there?”

“I found Leviathan.  Long story, but it’s gonna help us in the war.”

“Well, I hope it was worth it.”

“I guess that remains to be seen.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later, Shepard was in her quarters putting the finishing touches on her report to Hackett.  She heard a knock at her door and James’ voice on the other side.

“Commander, can I talk to you for a second?”

 _Commander_?  Was he still mad at her?

“Come on in, James.”

She watched him walk in and was immediately put on edge.  She could tell he was nervous, and he wouldn’t make eye contact with her.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I can’t do this.”

She was confused.  “Can’t do what?”

“I..you and me...I just can’t do it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The things you do…they are amazing and inspiring and... _completely loco_.  You’re going to kill yourself.”  He laughed bitterly.  “You’re going to save us all first, but you’re going to sacrifice yourself to do it.  And I can’t just sit by and let you.  So I just...can’t do this.  I’m sorry.”

She felt her heart breaking, but she couldn’t find anything to say.  What he said wasn’t completely untrue.  She would sacrifice herself in a second if it meant the Reapers would be gone.  If it meant the galaxy, and everyone that she loved in it, would be safe.  Could she really ask him to just be okay with that?  Wasn’t it selfish of her to ask him to give his heart to her when there was every chance that she would just end up breaking it?

“I...understand.”

He looked up.  “You do?”

“Yeah.  I don’t _like_ it, but I get it.  And you’re right.  This was a mistake all along.  I knew that, but I chose to ignore it.”

Something flickered across his face that she couldn’t read.  He seemed like he was about to say something else, but stopped.  Instead, he searched her face.  

He had to leave before she lost her resolve and started crying in front of him, so she said, “I really need to get this report to Hackett.”

That unreadable expression returned, but this time he said, “Okay.  Well, then...later, Commander.”

“Later, Lieutenant.”

And then she watched as her heart walk right out the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please don’t hate me for ending like this! What can I say? If you haven't realized by now, these characters are incredibly stubborn......


	39. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter came as a complete surprise to me. I realized that if I tried to let these two stubborn people work this out on their own, it would take FOREVER. But when I tried to think of someone to knock some sense into them, I was coming up empty. That’s when I noticed Kaidan in the corner, waving his hand. He told me that while I may THINK that his history with Shepard would make him the last person for the job, it ACTUALLY made him the BEST person.  
> I’ve tried arguing with him before, and it didn’t end well…So, here’s the result of Kaidan’s meddling with my writing. Let me know what you think! I always love feedback in all forms. :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone

 

* * *

  

 

 

Shepard needed to get off of the Normandy.  She and James had spent the last several days carefully avoiding each other.  The questioning looks from the crew were driving her crazy.  Luckily, Aria contacted her with a request.  It seemed the asari was ready to retake Omega and wanted Shepard’s assistance.  While she didn’t necessarily _like_ Aria, she had provided help many times over the last year, and she was a hundred times better than Cerberus.  Plus it would get her off the ship for a few days.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Can you have Major Alenko come up to my quarters please?”

“Right away.”

She gathered some of the mission briefs Hackett had sent her regarding Cerberus.  A few minutes later, she heard a knock at her door and smiled to herself.  Kaidan was always prompt.

“Come in, Kaidan.”

“You wanted to see me, Commander?”

“Yeah.  I’m having Joker drop me at the Citadel for a couple of days.  I have a solo mission I need to take care of.  In the meantime, I’m leaving you in charge.”  She handed him a datapad.  “Here’s the briefs on two missions I’m hoping you can get taken care of while I’m gone.  They both involve Cerberus.  Read the reports, choose your own teams.  I know you’ll get the job done.”

She watched him skim over the details, and then he looked up at her.  

"These shouldn't be a problem.  Want to tell me where you're headed off to?"

"Omega."

"Omega?"

She nodded. "I'm helping Aria reclaim it from the Illusive Man.  She may not be my favorite person, but I like her a hell of a lot better than him."

“Fair enough.  So...why right now?”

“Aria has a plan in place.”

“It’s just that I get the feeling you are trying to run away from this ship, this _crew_ , right now.”

Damn him.  He could still read her like a book at times.  It was rather annoying.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Right.  Fine, I’ll be more blunt.  What the hell happened between you and the Lieutenant?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, really.”  

Her voice had an edge to it that she hadn’t intended, but she _really_ didn’t want to talk about this with him.

"Kiliane, I'm asking as a friend, nothing more.  It may not have been easy for me to see or admit at first, but you two are good for each other.  You were happier than I've ever seen you." He gave her a small smile before he continued softly, "And you do deserve to be happy, despite what you may think."

“Despite what I may think?”

“Yeah.  I can read between the lines.  That letter you wrote after Horizon?  That was you trying to protect me from any more pain.  I...was still so confused at the time, so I let it be.  By the time I came to regret that decision, it was too late.”

She turned away from him, repeating, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do.  It’s what you do.  You try to protect everyone else, most of the time at your own expense.  The thing is, sometimes you have to let them make the decision for themselves.”

“He _did_ make the decision for himself.”  

The words slipped out out of her mouth before she could stop them.  Kaidan looked surprised for just a moment before he replied.

“Well, then he’s not as smart as I gave him credit for.  Something tells me you didn’t make it hard for him though.”

She narrowed her eyes.  “What was I supposed to do?  Make promises we would both know I couldn't keep?”

He shook his head.  “No.  But I can tell you this, Kiliane: If you had shown me in even the smallest way that you had wanted me to, I would have fought like hell to make things right.  I’m not saying I know how he feels or what was said, but I do know you.  And my guess is that you made him think you weren’t as affected by this as you are.”

She didn’t reply.  He _did_ know her, but it didn’t change anything.  There was only one thing she needed to be focusing on right now, and that was the war effort.

“I appreciate your concern, Kaidan, but it doesn’t really matter right now.”  She nodded towards the datapad in his hand.  “That’s what matters.  You take care of Cerberus on those fronts, while Aria and I hit them on Omega.  If we can stop worrying about fighting them _and_ the Reapers, I would feel a lot better about this war.”

Kaidan searched her eyes for several seconds before he finally sighed.  “You are ridiculously stubborn sometimes, you know that?  Fine, message received.  I’ll take care of things on this end, you go retake Omega.  Just be careful, okay?”

She smirked at him.  “I’m always careful.”

“Right.  Maybe you should try using everyone else’s definition of that word.”

She only laughed in response, and he was still shaking his head as he walked out the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Mierda_!”

“For heaven’s sake, Lieutenant, quit squirming.  I’m almost finished.  Do you want to tell me what possessed you to punch your bag until your skin split open?”

James looked away from Dr. Chakwas’ knowing look and just said, “No.”

“Have it your way.  But I have found that talking usually works better than self-inflicted injury.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.  I just wasn’t paying attention.”

“Right.”  She shook her head.  “I have only met one person who is more stubborn than you.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It _is_ true that sometimes being stubborn can save your life.  But then there are those times when it leads to getting into an altercation with an inanimate object and having me patch you up.”  She sighed.  “All right, Lieutenant.  Nothing is broken besides your skin.  Medigel took care of that, but no hitting things for the rest of the day.”

He hopped off the table, waving as he walked by.  “Thanks Médica!”

As he made his way out the door, he considered what he should do now.  All of his weapons had been cleaned multiple times, and he was no longer allowed to hit things.  He was debating working out in a different way, but then he saw the lounge.  Tequila suddenly seemed like an excellent idea.  Happy to find the room empty when he walked in, he grabbed a bottle and a glass, and  he took a seat at the bar.  

Then he started to think over the last few days.  He’d been doing his very best to avoid Shepard, and she seemed to be doing the same.  They’d gone on a few missions, and they managed to keep things professional then.  But when there wasn’t adrenaline coursing through them, things got awkward fast.  He was pretty sure that it was obvious to everyone else on the ship, but thankfully, the little bit of prying Dr. Chakwas had just done was as far as anyone went.  He wasn’t ready to answer questions from everyone else that he couldn’t first answer to himself.

He wasn’t sure what he _had_ been expecting when he’d gone to Shepard’s quarters after finding Leviathan, but her calm acceptance had certainly not been it.  Her feelings had obviously not been as strong as he’d assumed, and frankly, that had stung.  But what had he wanted from her?  He’d been the one to tell her that they needed to end things, so why was he the one who felt miserable?  He looked to the bottle in his hand and then poured himself a shot.

Throwing it back, and then a few more, he decided that it was time to be fully honest with himself.  The truth was that he’d been very upset when he’d gone to her quarters that night.  Everything that had happened with Leviathan had really shaken him.  After she’d gone down in that diving mech, he’d had a moment where he thought he was never going to see her again.  So he did what he was good at.  He panicked and went to her with every intention of distancing himself from her.  But then she’d just accepted it, and that was when he realized that it really wasn’t what he’d wanted at all.

He’d expected a fight.  He’d expected some sort of emotion.  To be perfectly honest, somewhere in the back of his mind, he’d expected them to just fight and work it out.  He’d just wanted to make sure she really heard him.

Well, she had.  And he was the biggest idiot in the galaxy.

“You are the biggest idiot that I’ve ever had the privilege to know, Lieutenant.”

James nearly fell off the stool at the sound of Major Alenko’s voice echoing his own thoughts behind him. He’d been so deep in thought that he hadn’t heard the door open.  He started to open his mouth to protest, but then thought better of it.  Well, maybe the tequila thought better of it.

“I can’t argue with you, Major.”

Kaidan studied him for a bit before answering. “Well.  At least you can admit it.  And it didn’t even take you a week.”  

He sat down on the stool next to James and poured himself a shot, quickly throwing it back. Then he turned back towards him and continued, “It took me six months.”  He indicated towards the bottle.  “And a lot more booze.”

“Hmph.  I’m surprised you’re down here calling me an idiot then, instead of thanking me.  Didn’t I just leave the door open for you?”

Kaidan laughed.  “Exactly how much tequila have you had already?”  Not waiting for an answer, he shook his head and continued, “And no, you didn’t, even if...even if things were different and that were still a possibility.  I don’t need to know the details of what was said between you two to know one important truth that you seem to be missing.”

“Oh, yeah?  What’s that?”

“She is not as unaffected by this as she would have you believe.”

“What in the hell would make you say that?”

Kaidan stood up.  “Maybe you should think about that for a bit.  Because despite your recent behavior indicating otherwise, you really aren’t an idiot.”

James just waved a hand at him and then started to reach for the bottle again.  He stopped when Kaidan continued.

“And that’s enough tequila for tonight.  That’s an order.  We’re dropping the commander off on the Citadel tonight, and you and I are taking a team to raid a Cerberus base in the morning.  I need you functional.”

“The Citadel?  What’s she doing there?”

“A solo mission.  If you want to know more, you should ask her.”

Like that was going to happen.  “Fine.  How long will she be there?”

“I don’t know.  She’ll call us when she’s ready for a pick-up.”

“You’re a helpful pendejo.”

The tequila had obviously gotten rid of the filter that would normally prevent him from insulting a superior officer.  Luckily, Kaidan just laughed.

“Go sleep it off, Lieutenant.”

James didn’t answer, and Kaidan simply nodded and left him alone to contemplate his words.  When he finally realized what the other man had been trying to make him see, he wanted to kick himself.  And he decided that the major was wrong.

He really _was_ an idiot.   

 

 

* * *

 

 

Three days later, Shepard was finally back on the Normandy after transferring Oleg Patrovsky over to Alliance command.  Retaking Omega had not been easy, and she was getting really tired of cleaning up Cerberus’ messes.  While it was tempting to just let them destroy themselves, it was never an option because there always seemed to be innocents caught in the crossfire.  She had been sorely tempted to let Aria do whatever she wanted with General Petrovsky, but she knew if they could get him to talk, he’d be a great asset to the Alliance.  She’d been pleasantly surprised when Aria had relented.  Hopefully that was a sign that leaving Omega in her hands had not been a mistake.

After sending her report off to Hackett, she leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes and enjoying the silence in her quarters for a few moments.  She thought back over the events of the last few days, and her mind was drawn towards the interaction between Aria and Nyreen.  Neither was too keen to give up details, but it had been obvious they had meant something to each other at one point.  And after watching the turian woman sacrifice herself to save innocent civilians, Aria’s reaction had shown the feelings hadn’t completely gone away after all the time apart.  

Her thoughts then naturally drifted to James, and to Kaidan’s words right before she left.  Maybe she _should_ have been more honest with James, but what would it honestly gain either of them?  He'd made his feelings clear, and she’d thought that by acting like it didn’t matter as much to her, she’d be saving him more hurt in the end.  But if someone that did heartless as well as Aria did could hold a torch for so long, what hope did the rest of them have?  Sighing, she made a decision.

“EDI?  Where is Lieutenant Vega right now?”

“He appears to be standing outside your door, Commander.”

“He what?  How long has he been there?”

“For several minutes.”  There was a pause.  “He seems to be contemplating whether or not he should knock on your door.  He has raised his hand and then lowered it multiple times.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake...thanks EDI.”

She walked over to the door and it opened to a surprised James standing on the other side.  

“Uh...hi.”

“Hi, James.  Do you want to come in?”

He nodded and she stepped back as he walked through the door.

“I need to be honest with you-”

“We need to talk about-”

They both abruptly stopped when they realized they had started speaking at the same time.  James smiled and held up his hand.

“Okay, Lola, let’s start over.  I’m going first, though.”

She raised a brow at him, but nodded for him to continue.

“Sometimes I...well, I forget that I have a brain in my head and how to use it.  I was being really stupid last week.  Everything that happened with Leviathan was just messed up, and it shook me.  I guess it finally really hit me what we were up against, you know?  Something as powerful as Leviathan having been driven into hiding by the Reapers...what chance do _we_ have?”

She tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder and said softly, “You can’t give up, James.”

He looked at her in surprise.  “Oh, I’m not.  I would never bet against you.  But I did start seriously thinking about what it was going to take.  There have already been countless sacrifices, and that just bought us time.  It’s going to take a hell of a lot more.  And you...you are always going to be first in line to make that sacrifice.  I’ve always known that but when it really hit me in that moment, I got scared.  And selfish, and angry, and...I panicked.”

“That’s understandable.”

He nodded.  “I know.  And I know you wouldn’t have made false promises, but if I would have just talked to you about it, things might have ended up different.  Instead, I tried to push you away.”

“And I let you.”

“Yeah and boy, did that make me angry.  Because I was too blind to see what you were doing at the time.  I don’t know how I could have been so stupid.  I had just finished saying how you were willing to sacrifice everything for everyone.  Why couldn’t I see that also meant you would sacrifice _your_ feelings to protect mine?”

She felt tears forming in her eyes as she said, “Because I didn't want you to.”

“Well, too bad.  I’m sorry but you can’t just pretend you don’t care about me and suddenly make my feelings go away.  So, here’s the thing: I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I pushed you away.  And I’m sorry that I didn’t see what you were doing sooner.  I’m sorry for it all.  I just love you, and for some reason, that makes me act like a fool."  He paused.  "If I ask you a question, will you give me an honest answer?  No trying to spare my feelings, no matter what?”

“I promise.”

He gripped her shoulders, waiting until she met his eyes before continuing.  “Have I messed this up beyond repair?”

Shepard couldn’t reply.  She simply shook her head as she finally felt a few tears roll down her cheeks.  James reached up and gently wiped them away with his thumb before pulling her into his arms.  She felt him place a kiss on the top of her head and head him whisper, “Gracias a Dios.”

She couldn't agree more.


	40. Garrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I don’t know. Something about this chapter bugs me, but I don’t know what. And short of scrapping the whole damn thing and rewriting it, I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe it’s just because it this was a depressing point in the game. Yeah...I’ll just go with that.  
> Anyways, let me know what YOU think, because I always appreciate your feedback-in all it’s wonderful varieties.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“You haven’t been to the Battery all day, Shepard.  Does this mean you aren’t avoiding a certain lieutenant anymore?”

Shepard looked up from the datapad she was reading in the lounge and grinned.  “Aw shucks Garrus.  If I knew you missed me so much I’d have read my reports in there.”

“What can I say?  I miss your wonderful personality when you’re not around.”

She just snorted in response.

“See, now that’s what I mean.  You’re all class, Shepard.”  He sat down next to her on the couch before he continued.  “So, seriously.  Did you two work things out?  Because the moping was getting a bit old.”

Shepard laughed.  “You’re all heart, Garrus.  Don’t worry-no more moping.  We’re...working on understanding each other better.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I can’t snap my fingers and get rid of his fears, and he can’t snap his and change every instinct I have as a soldier and leader.”  She shrugged.  “But we both want to try and make it work anyways.”

“Fair enough.”

“You know, Garrus, everything is so precarious right now.  It’s going to take a miracle for us to defeat the Reapers.  I’m not saying that I don’t think we can, but I am saying nothing is certain.  Finding a little bit of happiness in all of that...well, that’s a little miracle all in it’s own.”

“Uh huh.”

She smiled.  “I’m telling you this because I think you should seriously consider it.”

“Ah.  I wondered why you were getting so sentimental with me, Shepard.  I, uh...I’m working on it.”

Looking at him in surprise, she asked, “You are?”

“Don’t look so surprised.  I’m not _completely_ hopeless.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Garrus snorted.  “Look who’s talking.”

She laughed.  “Touché.”

“So.  Changing the subject…I hear we’re heading into Asari space, supposedly checking out a distress signal for High Command?  Do you have any more information?”

Shaking her head, she said, “Liara’s looking into it now.  High Command was pretty tight-lipped.  Hell, they wouldn’t even come out and ask me for help directly.  I don’t want to ignore a distress call, but I’m not keen on walking into a trap.  We had enough of those when we worked with Cerberus.”

“That we did.  Well, if anyone can dig up information on this, it would be the Shadow Broker.”

Shepard grinned at him.  “Who would have thought, huh?  When we first found her on Therum, did you think she had this in her?  Because I sure didn’t.”

Shaking his head, Garrus said, “Not even a little.  She’s definitely come into her own in a big way.”  He gave her a pointed look before he continued.  “But then, you tend to have that effect on people, Shepard.”

Returning his look, she said, “Or maybe I just make a habit of surrounding myself with people who I can see have great potential.  Although Liara was a bit of a wild card, I didn’t just let _you_ on the Normandy all those years ago because you asked nice.”

“Maybe it’s a little of both.  No one else was able to get through to me, that’s for sure.”

She laughed.  “That’s because you’re more hard-headed than a room full of krogan.  Plus, we’ve _all_ grown wiser with time and experience.”

Garrus smiled in return but then turned serious.  “Shepard, I hope you know that I mean that.  I wouldn’t be anywhere near the person I am now if it weren’t for you.  You’ve been an excellent teacher, leader, and most of all, friend.  You teach by asking the hard questions, lead by example, and give nothing short of everything with your friendship.  I’m _glad_ you saw the potential in me on the Citadel.”

She felt herself blushing.  “Thanks Garrus.”  Bumping his shoulder with her own, she continued, “Now who’s getting sentimental?”

He shrugged.  “Yeah, well...it’s all your influence.”

She was laughing when the door to the lounge opened.  They both looked up to see Liara walking in with a datapad in her hand.

“Shepard!  These coordinates are for an Ardat-Yakshi monastery!”

Shepard shared a look with Garrus, who grinned and said, “Just another day aboard the Normandy.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Samara, what the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?”

“What I have to do to save Falere.  I live by the Code, which says she cannot live outside the monastery.  I will not kill my last daughter…”

Samara spoke so calmly that Shepard was slow to react when she brought her pistol up and pointed at her own head.  It took Falere screaming to wake her up and get her moving.  She reached the Justicar and pulled on her arm, wrestling the pistol from her hand.  Kicking it away, she held Samara’s hands behind her back.  She could feel the hum of the asari’s biotics as she tried to struggle from Shepard’s grasp.

“Let me go!”

“So you can throw your life away for no good reason?  I don’t think so.”

“You know I must follow the Code, Shepard.  If I do not, I must take my own life.  And I cannot kill Falere.”

“Mother, you don’t have to do either.”

Shepard shared a look with Samara and then released her.  She knew she would hear Falere out before doing anything, and James had picked up her pistol.

The Justicar approached her daughter.  “Falere, explain yourself.”

“I will stay here and continue living in isolation.  This is my home, even if it has been destroyed.  I will slowly rebuild, and it will give me something to do.  The Reapers are unlikely to come back here, since what they came for is gone.  But if they do, I swear they will not take me alive.”

Samara considered for a minute and then nodded.  “This is acceptable.  When this war is over, if we are victorious, I will come back here and help you.”

Stepping forward, Shepard laid a hand on Samara’s shoulder.  “You could stay now.  No one would blame you.”

Shaking her head, Samara said, “No.  I have delayed my duty long enough.”  She looked towards her daughter before continuing.  “I will stay briefly, but then I will join your armies where the fighting is heaviest.”

“Your Code will not allow you to join me on the Normandy?”

“No.  Your job is an important one, Shepard, but my place is on the front lines.”

“I understand.”

Shepard called Cortez for pickup and bid farewell to both Samara and her daughter.  Once they were all piled into the shuttle and headed back towards the Normandy, James turned towards her.

“So what the hell just happened?”

“Samara is a Justicar.  I don’t really know all the details, but she’s forced to follow a very strict Code.  Her world is very black and white with absolutely no room for grey.  While I imagine at times it would be nice to have no question about what you should do in a given situation, most of the time her Code seems very harsh to me. ”

“You should have seen it on Illium when we picked her up for the Collector mission.”  Garrus gave a short laugh before continuing.  “She swore an oath to follow Shepard’s leadership, but then told her that if she was ordered to do anything truly unjust, she’d be forced to kill her when the oath was lifted.”

James shook his head.  “You know, I have learned more about the asari today than I ever wanted to.”

“Oh, come now, Lieutenant.”  Liara smiled in the corner of the shuttle.  “We’re not all demons that kill by mating with you or highly trained killers ready to take you out for any breach of justice.”

James snorted.  “Says the _Shadow Broker_.  The gig’s up, and I’m on to you.  You have the rest of the galaxy fooled with your good looks and culture, but I’m starting to think you’re more deadly than the Reapers.”

“Aren’t you glad we’re on your side then?”

Liara only laughed as a resounding ‘yes’ came from every other occupant of the shuttle, including the pilot.  Shepard was glad to see the smile on her face.  She knew Liara had been very shaken by the banshee creatures they’d encountered.  It wasn’t the first time Shepard had seen them, but they still unsettled her as well.  Every new abomination created by the Reapers seemed to be more powerful than the last.  The enemy was seriously upping the ante, and they desperately needed to do something to be able to match them.

So it was a relief when they arrived aboard the Normandy to a message from the Asari Councilor that she had information that would help them complete the Crucible.      

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thessia was a mess.  The Reapers had come in full force and were decimating their defenses.  The Asari that remained were fighting valiantly, but ultimately the Reaper forces were just too much.  They’d witnessed too much sacrifice on their way to the temple.  Shepard had originally been worried about bringing Liara with her, but she’d fought with a determination she’d only seen in her one other time-when they were fighting their way to Feron.  And she’d been happy to have her expertise once they reached the temple where the artifact that held the answers they needed was located.  The artifact that turned out to be a Prothean beacon.

They now stood talking to another Prothean VI, similar to Vigil from Ilos.  This VI potentially had information to help them finish the Crucible, and they were trying to convince it to give it to them.  It kept saying that it was too late for them since the Reapers had already arrived.

“You don’t know us and what we are capable of, what _I_ am capable of.  I don’t need you to tell me how remote our chances are.  The Reapers already keep telling me.  As I’m killing them.  So, what I need from you is for you to tell me what the Catalyst is, and how to get it.”

There was a long period of silence before the VI finally responded.

“Very well.  If you have followed the plans for the Crucible, I will interface with your systems and assist with the Catalyst to-”

The projection in front of her suddenly stopped talking and turned towards the front of the temple, saying, “Indoctrinated presence detected.  Activating security protocol.”  Then it disappeared.

Shepard stared in confusing until she noticed a figure walking towards them.  The scientist’s slit throats suddenly made sense.

“Kai Leng.  What the hell do you want?”

“Your attention.  Someone would like to talk with you.”

He pulled out a small device, which floated in the air for a bit before turning into a projection of the Illusive Man.  Oh, she did _not_ have time for this.

“Shepard.”

“What do you want?”

“The same thing you do, I expect.  The Catalyst.  We can use it to finally control the Reapers.”

“You are delusional!  If you would stop working _against_ me and work _with_ me, we could destroy them completely.”

“No!  Why would you want to destroy that power instead of harnessing it for yourself?”

“Because I’m not crazy!  They will destroy us if we don’t destroy them!”

“That’s not true.  They would have destroyed us already if that were the case. _I know them_ , Shepard.”

“A little too well, I think.  If you are still in control of yourself, even a little, fight them!  Join with me, and we can save humanity.”

“I _am_ in control.  I just see the bigger picture that you don’t.”

There was obviously no way she was going to get through to him.  He was indoctrinated, and it was likely everyone else within Cerberus was as well.  It certainly explained why she’d been unable to make sense of their actions since the war began.

So she just said, “You’re right.  And I never will.”

He glared at her for several seconds before he turned to Leng and said, “You know what to do,” and disappeared.

They fought hard, but they were in a bad position.  They were backed into a corner and Leng had the cover of a gunship behind him.  She saw him use his biotics to throw Liara into James and they both went down.  Realizing that she needed to get to the data before he did, Shepard turned and ran back towards the beacon.  She heard the missile right before the support in front of her exploded, throwing her backwards.  Landing hard on her back, she rolled with it and got immediately to her feet.  The was shaking beneath her, but all she could think about was the data.

She was almost there when a gaping hole opened up right underneath her.  Desperately trying to find something to grab onto, she started sliding down a large chunk of floor that was falling into the hole.  It wasn’t her life that flashed before her eyes in that moment.  Instead, she saw the destruction of the entire galaxy.  No way in hell she was letting it end like this.  When the floor stopped moving, gravity kept pulling her down, but she finally found a jagged edge to grab onto.

Inch by agonizing inch, she pulled herself up.  She made it to the top just in time to see Kai Leng walking away.  She was trying to pull herself over the ledge when the piece of flooring that had been precariously hanging under her gave way and disappeared into the seemingly bottomless hole.  Her grip slipped in the process, and she suddenly found herself hanging on by just a few fingers.

“Fuck.”

She knew she was about to fall when James suddenly appeared over her, grabbing her arm.

“Hang on, Lola.  I got you.”

As he pulled her up and over the edge, she looked over towards the entrance to the temple see Leng boarding the gunship.  She pushed away from James, grabbing someone’s pistol from the ground and firing at the retreating ship until the weapon overheated.  Her heart sank as she watched the ship, and more importantly the data, disappear on the horizon.

She watched on in horror as a half dozen Reapers landed in front of them, and she could hear the Asari troops in her ear.   She knew she was watching a planet die, and there was nothing she could do.  A hand rested on her shoulder, and she shrugged it off not even paying attention to who it belonged to.  She never heard James calling Cortez to pick them up or Liara saying her name.  Long after the communications cut off, all she could hear were the screams of those brave Asaris soldiers who had sacrificed themselves so she could get the data.  

And she had failed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James was really worried about Shepard.  She’d completely ignored both him and Liara on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy.  He didn't think she'd even noticed that he'd been standing beside her during her brief conversation with the Asari councilor.  When he'd tried to talk to her she'd brushed past him, only briefly coming out of her trance to tell EDI to get them the hell away from Thessia.  She walked right past everyone else in the War Room and went straight to her quarters, locking the door and refusing to answer any hails.

He stood outside her door, trying to talk to her, for a half an hour before finally deciding to have his dislocated shoulder and broken ribs attended to by Dr. Chakwas.  As he was walking out of the Med Bay and back towards the elevator, Garrus’ voice stopped him.

“She was like this after Virmire.  Kaidan was the only one who could get through to her.”  He snorted.  “Mostly because he hacked her door.”

“I never was a strong hacker.”

“Lucky for you that you know a turian who is.”

“You can get me in there?”

Garrus nodded, and they both stepped into the elevator.  Once the doors closed, James asked, “Has anyone talked to Doc?  She can’t be taking this too well either.”

“She’s not, but Tali managed to track down Feron.  He’s on his way here now, and Tali’s staying with her until he gets here.”  The door opened and they both stepped out.  Garrus nodded towards the door in front of him.  “You just worry about her.”

“I stood out here for thirty minutes, and I never heard a sound.  If it were me, I’d be breaking stuff or screaming...something.  But you saw her.  It’s like she wasn’t even here, and that scares me.  If you can get that door open, I’ll feel a lot better.”

“Just give me a moment.”

James watched as the turian worked on his omni-tool for several minutes before the light on the door turned green.  He felt a small amount of relief.

“Thanks, man.”

“Anytime.”

Garrus stepped back into the elevator, and James slowly made his way into Shepard’s quarters.  He didn’t see her anywhere, but pieces of her armor and lining were scattered throughout the room.  Then he heard the faint sound of running water, and he went into the bathroom.

“Lola!”

She was huddled in the corner of the shower, hugging her knees to her chest.  The water must have been freezing because her lips had a slight blue tint to them.  He ran over, shut off the water and gathered her in his arms, ignoring the screaming pain in his shoulder and ribs.  Carrying over to her bed, he carefully laid her down.  He wrapped the blankets tightly around her and then pulled her onto his lap.

For a long time, he didn’t say anything.  He simply held her, rubbing her back and trying to bring some warmth back to her.  After a while, he felt her relax into him.

“I can’t get their screams out of my head.”

He didn’t need to ask her who she meant.  “I know.”

“They died bravely so that I could get the data.  And I failed.”

“I know,” he repeated, and she looked up at him in surprise.  “We got beat, Lola.  It sucks.  You _know_ that I get it.  Watching them lay down their lives, and it didn’t even matter in the end.”

“Yeah,” she whispered.

“The thing is, that shit is gonna happen.  I’m not going to sugar-coat this for you, babe.  You gotta suck it up.  You gotta get your shit together and then we’re going after that Kai Leng bastard.  We’re going to get the data back, _and_ we are going to make him pay for killing those scientists and your friend back on the Citadel.  Then we finish the Crucible and kick the Reapers’ asses.  This was a temporary setback.  One that hurt quite a bit, but one we _can_ get past.”

“How?”

“How what?”

“How do we find him?  The _Illusive_ Man is good at hiding.  Hence the name.”

“You’ve got a ship full of intelligent people.  Why don’t you try talking to them?  You don’t always have to take everything onto your shoulders.  How many times do we need to tell you that?”

“I have been told that I’m slightly stubborn.”

He laughed.  “Slightly, my ass.  And me too.  So I’m not moving an inch until I’m completely sure you heard what I said.”

She sighed.  “I heard you.  It still stings.  A lot.  But you’re right.  We can’t give up now.”

“Good.  I’ll get everyone back together in the War Room.  And as much as I love having you naked in my arms, you should probably get dressed.”

She smiled at him and then started to get up.  In the process she bumped into his sore ribs, and he couldn’t stop himself from wincing.

“Oh my god, you’re hurt!  You _were hurt_ , and I didn’t even notice.”

“It’s nothing, Lola.  The doctor already took care of me, and I’m good to go.  Just a little sore is all.”

“I’m sorry.  I was so wrapped up in myself, I forgot about everyone else...Liara!  How is she doing?”

“About as well as you’d expect.  But Tali is with her, and Feron is on his way here now.”

She sighed with relief.  “Good.  You were right.  I have an amazing crew surrounding me, and even though I know that, I still try to take it all on myself.”  She reached up and cupped his cheek.  “Thank you for reminding me.”

He gave her a quick kiss on her forehead and said, “Always, Lola.”


	41. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I can’t believe how close we’re getting to the end! What a fun ride it’s been so far, though! I started this little adventure all those months ago, never imagining I would get this far. All you guys reading and leaving kudos and commenting have inspired me to accomplish more than I thought I could. So thanks so much!  
> Still plenty of chapters to come, don’t worry! ;-)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone!

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard looked around at the weary faces of her crew.  She’d been so wrapped up in her own feelings of failure, that she hadn’t fully realized how much they’d been affected by what had happened on Thessia.  What they’d been through up to this point had been horrific.  They’d watched their homeworlds burning, and they’d watched colleagues die, but they hadn’t really faced defeat yet.  They’d always found a way to pull off every mission  Thessia had been a reminder of the true power of what they were up against.  It was very sobering.

Her eyes rested on Liara.  She’d talked briefly with her privately before this meeting, just to make sure she would be okay.  Not only had she watched her childhood home destroyed, but she’d had to face what the Asari had been hiding for centuries.  It was a lot to deal with, but Liara was strong, and she had a new mission now.  Feron was going to work with her on finding all of the refugees shelter and supplies.  She’d be able to coordinate from the Normandy and he’d be able to implement her plans in the field.  He was planning on meeting up with them for a few days beforehand, and Shepard knew his presence would help Liara immensely.

She walked to the front of the room and addressed her crew.

“Okay guys, today sucked.  We got our asses handed to us, and I take full responsibility.”  She raised her hand as several people started to protest at once.  “No.  While there was no way for me to know that Cerberus would be there, there was also no reason for me to think they _wouldn’t_.  They’ve been on our heels every step of the way so far.  It’s my job to prepare us for all possibilities, and I didn’t do that today.”

She paused to take a deep breath before continuing.  “That being said...we need to move on.  It may seem cold after what we saw happen to Thessia, but if we don’t, then that is going to be Earth next.  Then Palaven, then Sur’Kesh, then Tuchanka, and so on until there is nothing left.  As I see it, our number one priority right now is getting that data back from Cerberus.  So how are we going to do that?”

She was answered by complete silence.

“Come on, I need help on this one.  Someone here has the answer even if you don’t know it yet.  I refuse to believe we’ve hit a dead end.   _Anything_ you can suggest would be good.”

“I’ve been trying to track the Illusive Man since I took control of the Shadow Broker’s network,” Liara finally answered.  “But every road I’ve tried has been a dead end.  He is very good at covering his bases.”

“I might have something, Commander.”

Shepard turned in surprise to Traynor, who had spoken quietly from beside EDI.

“Let’s hear it.”

“I tracked Leng’s shuttle after it left the surface.  I followed it through a few relays, but then it disappeared in the Iera system.”

“What do you mean _disappeared_?”

She looked up and met Shepard’s eyes.  “Something there is blocking it.”

“So someone is trying to keep something in that system hidden.  Excellent work, Traynor.  It may end up being nothing, but it’s way more than we had a minute ago.  I say we need to check it out.  What does everyone else think?”

"I was stationed there, and I never detected a Cerberus presence.”  Kaidan smirked before adding, “Well, except you of course."

“Ah, yes.  A shining moment for _both_ of us, if I recall correctly, Major.”

He laughed, and she found herself grateful that they had both moved on to a point where they could laugh about it.

“Touché, Commander.  In all seriousness, though, I think you’re right.  It’s worth checking out.”

Shepard nodded.  “Good.  EDI, is there anything in that system that jumps out at you as a possible target?”

“The only thing of any note within the Iera System is the Sanctuary refugee facility on Horizon.  But I can run scans when we get into the system and possibly tell you more.”

“All right.  We have a plan.  Liara, how far away is Feron?”

The asari shook her head.  “He’s still at least twenty-four hours out.  Don’t wait on him.”

“Okay, get a message to him and tell him to meet us at the Citadel.  Barring any major developments, we’ll head there next.  We’re due for some repairs.”

She didn’t mention the letter from Hackett saying they had been _ordered_ to the Citadel immediately to put the Normandy into dry dock and for mandatory shore leave.  Or that she’d received that order a week ago.  But looking around, she realized he was right.  They were _all_ showing some wear and tear, not just the ship.  

They just needed to check out this lead first.  Hackett would understand.

“Commander?”

“Yes, EDI?”

“Admirals Hackett and Anderson would like to speak with you in the QEC.”

She smiled.  Predictable, as always.

“Thanks.  Dismissed everyone.  Joker, get us to the Iera System as fast as possible.”

“Aye-aye.”

She waited until everyone had left and then made her way into the QEC.  Pushing the button to connect the call, she watched the two men appear in front of her.

“And how are my two favorite Admirals?”

She saw the corner of Anderson’s mouth twitch as fought to keep a stern expression to match Hackett’s.  It was the latter who spoke first.

“How long do you plan on ignoring my orders, Shepard?”

“As long as I can?”

Anderson couldn’t stop his smile this time, and Hackett narrowed his eyes.  Shepard assumed it was directed towards both of them.

“I think you’ve reached that limit.”

“Um...well...I _promise_ it’s my next stop, Sir.”  Quickly and under her breath, she added, “After this one.”

“What was that?”

She sighed.  “I have some intel that Leng may have taken the data somewhere in the Iera System.  We are headed there now to check it out.  But I was fully planning on heading the Citadel after that.”

“What kind of intel?”

“Uh...his signal disappeared there?”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, but it came from Specialist Traynor, and she’s proven to have a very good instinct when it comes to these things.  Something about this just feels right.  And you _know_ that we have to get that data back as soon as possible if we have any chance….Sir.”

Hackett met her eyes and silently studied her before finally nodding.  “Fine, I trust you.  But no more stops after that.  You head straight to the Citadel.  Understood?”

“Perfectly.”

“Good.”  His face softened slightly.  He seemed about to say something else when someone spoke to him offscreen.  He listened for a minute, before turning back to her.

“I’m sorry.  I have to go take care of this.  But, Shepard…”

“Be careful.”  She smiled.  “I know.  You too.”

He nodded and then his image blinked out, leaving just her and Anderson.  He spoke first.

“How are you, Shepard?   _Really_?  I know Thessia wasn’t easy.”

“Honestly?  I didn’t handle it very well. I don’t like getting beat-especially by Cerberus.  Not to mention the strength of the Reaper presence there.  It was horrible, and I was reminded of what you must be going through on a daily basis.”

“Don’t worry about me, girl.  I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.  I’m not going to lie to you and say seeing all this is easy, but we’re holding our own.  We’re making small strikes when we can, and just staying on the move.  Every step you take gives us renewed hope, so don’t ever forget that.  I hope you can shake this off and keep pushing forward.”

“I’m going to try, Anderson.  Luckily, I’m surrounded by good people.  People who will pull me up when I fall and give me a push back in the right direction.”

He smiled.  “Good.  Give the lieutenant my thanks.”

She really wasn’t even surprised.  “How long _has_ my pilot been feeding reports to you and Hackett?”

Anderson laughed.  “Longer that you think.”

“He’s damn lucky he’s pretty much irreplaceable as a pilot.”

“I’ve told him that many times.”  He smiled before turning serious again.  “I’ve got to go now, Shepard.  Be careful going after Leng.  And I’ve left my apartment open for you on the Citadel.  Give me a call once you get there.”

“I appreciate that, and I will.  You be careful too.  Please?”

“I’ll do my best.”

She watched him sign off, and as his image disappeared, she felt a sense of dread wash over her.  He was running out of time.  They needed to get this data back from Cerberus.  Soon.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard stepped into the elevator.  She pushed the button to go up to the tower and then turned towards James and Garrus.  “Do you ever get the feeling that we just keep falling further and further down the rabbit hole?”

Garrus just looked at her in confusion, but James frowned as he answered, “Something like that, yeah.  How the hell do you do something like this and tell yourself it’s for the betterment of mankind?”

They’d found what had been blocking Leng’s signal in the system: Sanctuary.  What had been advertised as a safe haven for refugees was actually a house of horrors.  Cerberus was using the refugees, who were coming there in droves, in their sick experiments.  Miranda’s father, Henry Lawson, was in charge, and they were trying to figure out how to control the Reapers.  But they were doing it by turning the people into husks to research on.  People who thought they were coming there for food, shelter, and most importantly, _safety_.

It made her sick.  As horrible as the Reapers doing it was, it at least made some sort of sense.  Using your enemy to fight your enemy was a brilliant  strategy.  Disturbing, but effective.  Cerberus doing it was a whole different level of sick and twisted.  They were doing it to their own people.  And apparently the Reapers weren’t too happy about it either.  When they’d arrived at Sanctuary the two sides had been fighting each other, and appeared to have been at it for a while.  The Reapers seemed to be winning, as Cerberus was evacuating.  Miranda _and_ Leng had beat them here, and they were trying to work their way towards them.

She sighed.  “Yeah, I don’t know.  When we talked to the Illusive Man at the temple, he was clearly indoctrinated.  I thought that explained things, but...I don’t know.  The Reapers are fighting against Cerberus here, so what does that mean?  Did the Reapers want them to go down this path, but only so far?”

James nodded.  “That seems likely.  Keeps them thinking they are still in control, and keeps them fighting against us.”

“The Reapers have had a long time to perfect their techniques.  I just want to get that data so we can get rid of them once and for all.”

“You and me both, Lola.”

The elevator opened into a small room.  They could hear what sounded like a fight on the other side of the large door opposite them.  Using hand signals, she directed James and Garrus to either side of the door to cover her as she opened it and went through.  The first thing she noticed was Miranda lying on the ground, obviously injured.  Then she saw Henry and Oriana Lawson on the far end of the room, standing in front of a large window.  The elder Lawson was holding a gun to his youngest daughter’s head.

“You are going to want to put that weapon down, Lawson.”

“Ah.  How nice of you to join us, Commander Shepard.  I’m afraid that won’t be happening.  Miranda has poisoned Oriana’s mind, and she tried to shoot me.”

James stepped up and stood at Shepard’s left side, saying, “I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you yet Oriana, but you’re my kind of girl.”  He ignored the glare Henry gave him and continued.  “We’ll have to give you lessons so you don’t miss next time, though.”

“Enough!”  Henry tightened his grip on the girl and backed slowly away from them.  “Leng may have left us for dead, but with you taking care of the Reapers, I now have a way out.  I’m taking Oriana and my research, and we’re leaving.”

Shepard narrowed her eyes at him.  “I’m afraid I can’t let that happen.”

“You don’t have a choice, unless you want me to shoot her.”

“You shoot her and you’re dead.  You leave her and your research data here, and you can walk out of here alive.”

He was quiet as he considered his position.  Finally, he said, “If anyone else were standing in front of me saying that, I’d laugh.  But I’ve heard enough about you to know this is my only chance of getting out of here alive.”  He shoved Oriana away from him.  “There.  The data is on the terminal behind Miranda.  Can I leave now?”

Shepard didn’t get a chance to respond.  She felt the hum in air as Miranda unleashed the full power of her biotics at her father.  He flew through the air and out the window behind him, slamming into the ground several stories below.  Shepard turned around to see the former Cerberus operative slumped over.  Oriana ran over to her and helped her regain her footing.

Shepard walked up and laid a hand on Miranda’s shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yes.  Thanks to you, Oriana and I are both safe.  I can’t tell you how grateful I am, but what the hell are you doing here?”

“Following Kai Leng.  He stole something very important from me and I desperately need to get it back.”

“Hmm.  Then maybe I can repay you for what you’ve done.  Thanks to your heads up, I was prepared for him, and I even managed to slap a tracer on him.”  Miranda handed her a small device.  “He should lead you right to the Illusive Man.”

“Miranda, I-”

“Shepard, we haven’t really ever been _friends_ , but I have the utmost respect for you.  You’ve looked out for me, and more importantly my sister, a couple times now.  And even though I was a complete bitch to you when we first met, you looked past that to help me realize my own worth.  This is the _least_ I can do to help you in your fight.”

“Thank you Miranda."  Shepard considered for a brief second before adding, "Take care of your sister right now, but maybe you could stop at the Citadel after?  We’re going to be in dry dock for a few days before I can chase this signal, and I’d like to talk more with you.”

“I’d like that.”

“Good.  Maybe we can even work on that _friends_ thing.”

Shepard smiled at Miranda, said her goodbyes to both Lawson women, and then made her way back to the elevator with her team.  She felt better than she had in a few days.  They might not have the data from Leng yet, but with the intel Miranda had just given her, she had no doubt they would soon.

“I’m coming for you, Anderson.  Hold on just a little longer.”

She’d spoken so quietly, she didn’t think anyone had heard her over the sounds of the elevator.  But she couldn’t help but smile when each of her shoulders were covered by a hand, one belonging to James and the other to Garrus.   _This_ was why she felt good about their chances against the Reapers.  They didn't even know the meaning of the word, but friendship was what was going to bring them down.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard looked down at the datapad in her hand and up at the building in front of her for the fifth time.  She’d followed the directions to Anderson’s apartment correctly.  It was a lot nicer than she’d expected.  She thought back to the woman she’d met on Grissom Academy and decided he hadn’t picked this out on his own.  Smiling to herself, she used the passcode he’d given her and let herself in.  

She saw the communication terminal in the entryway and sent a hail to Anderson.  While she waited for him to respond, she gave herself a quick tour.  It was even nicer on the inside, with several bedrooms, an amazing view, a fully stocked bar, and a fabulous kitchen.  There was even a hot tub in the master suite that was calling her name until she heard a chime from the terminal downstairs.  She brought up the image to see a very weary Admiral standing in front of her.

“Anderson.  You okay?”

“I’m hanging in there.  There’s just not a lot of time for sleep when you’re constantly on the move.”

“We’ll be there soon.  I’ve got a line on the Illusive Man.  He can’t hide from me now.”

“I heard.  I never doubted you, Shepard.”

She smiled.  “I know you didn’t. _I_ did.  But then I realized that the Reapers lack something important.  Friendships, community...these things are nature to most organic life.  By instinct, we know that we are stronger together.  EDI and even the Geth realize this and they strive to emulate it.  Where I alone might fail, with the help of everyone around me, we can and will finish this.  I only get discouraged when I forget that I’m not in this alone.”

Anderson smiled in return.  “I’m so proud of you, Shepard.  You’re the only one I know who could get Turian and Krogan to work together, or Geth and Quarian.  And you’re right.  That’s our biggest strength, and the Reapers’ biggest weakness.”

“I wish I could go straight to get that data from Cerberus right now, but I’m honestly more afraid of Hackett than the Reapers at this point.”

Her attempt to lighten the mood was rewarded with a laugh.  “I don’t blame you.  He didn’t get to where he is by being a pushover.  He’s right, though, and you know it.  You can feel the end nearing just as well as I can.  Take this time, get yourselves ready.  We need you all at your best.”

“If you say so.  Thanks for letting me crash here.  It’s a really nice place.  Did Kahlee pick it out?”

“Ha!  That she did.  The plan was for us to retire there one day, but...plans change.”

“What do you mean?”

“After this…”  He gestured to the destroyed scenery behind him.  “I don’t think I’ll make it back there.”

“Yes you will!”

“Don’t misunderstand me.  I just mean that I’m going to want to stay on Earth.  Seeing it destroyed made me realize it’s my home.  Which is why…I’m signing over the apartment to you.”

She was sure she didn’t hear that correctly.  “You’re what now?”

“You heard me.  You’re the closest thing I’ll ever have to a child of my own.  I want you to have it, take it off my hands, and give me one less thing to worry about.  And don’t argue with me or I’ll tell Hackett.”

“I don’t even know what to say.  Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.  I’ve, uh, got to go catch a transport now.  We’re headed towards London.  Shepard, I meant what I said earlier.  I’m so very proud of everything you’ve accomplished.  I know you’ll continue to make me proud, no matter what happens.”

Shepard swallowed past the lump in her throat before replying.  “Thank you.  Please be careful out there.  I’m looking forward to fighting alongside you when we retake Earth.”

Anderson gave her a small smile before saying, “Me too, Kiliane.  Me too.”

She watched his image disappear and then stood frozen in place for several minutes as she processed everything he’d said.  Finally she started slowly walking through the apartment again, _her_ apartment.  She really didn’t know what to make of that, but she did know that the man who had given her this amazing gift meant more to her than she could ever tell him.  And she was worried as hell for him.  Every damn day they spent _not_ on Earth added to her fears.

A ding from one of the terminals informed her that she had a message waiting.  She pulled it up and quickly read through it.  Then she smiled.  Dinner with her favorite wise-ass pilot?  That seemed like the perfect way to start off her ordered R&R time.


	42. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, this chapter and probably the next are all based on the Citadel DLC. Just a warning if you haven’t played that yet. But if you haven’t, you really should. Because it’s great. The main mission thing at the beginning might be a tiny bit cheesy, but the character interaction is all of what BioWare does so amazingly well, IMHO. :D  
> I’m not as good as they are, but I tried to capture the same feeling. Let me know what you think. I always love hearing from you. :-)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Wow!  Nice place, Lola.  So it's really all yours?”

"Yeah.  Crazy, right?"

Her answer came from around the corner in the bathroom, where she was getting ready for her dinner with Joker.  She'd let James in and told him to show himself around.  After checking out the rest of the apartment, he had made his way up to her bedroom and was currently looking at the hot tub.  It had inspired several fun images to run through his mind.  When Shepard stepped into his line of vision in a little black dress, his mind went into overdrive.

"Holy hell, Lola!  I thought you were just going to dinner with Joker.  Should I be worried?"

She shrugged and said, “It’s supposed to be a nice place.”  Then she gave him a flirty smile and casually stepped over to him, placing a hand on his chest.  “And I won’t be with Joker _all_ night.  If you wanted, you could make yourself comfortable here and wait for me to come back.”

“Oh.”  He grinned.  “So the dress is for me?”

She laughed.  “Oh, it’s _definitely_ for you...to zip up.”

She spun around and lifted her hair out of the way, and the sight made his heart race.  The zipper went down quite a ways, and he couldn't resist the urge to brush his fingers down the length of her spine before slowly pulling the zipper up.  He felt her shiver beneath his fingers and smiled to himself.

He placed a soft kiss at the nape of her neck before saying, "Hurry back, Lola."

“Mmm.  You’re making it very hard to leave.”

“Sure you have to?”

“Yeah.  Joker made it sound important.”  She laughed as she turned around.  “Or he just doesn’t know what to do with himself when he can’t go on the Normandy.  Either way, I should probably go.”

James tried to give her his best pout as he said, “Fine.  If you _have_ to.”

Laughing again, she wrapped her arms around his neck.  “I had groceries delivered earlier, so help yourself to whatever you want.  Save room for dessert, though.”  She winked and then lightly touched her lips to his before turning to leave.  “See you soon.”

He watched her walk out the door, and the way the dress moved with her made him think the first thing he’d be helping himself to was a cold shower.

 

 

* * *

 

 

His mood changed very quickly thirty minutes later.  James had just settled in front of the television with a sandwich and a beer, and was about to take his first bite when his omni-tool beeped with an incoming hail.  He frowned when he saw who it was from.

“Joker?  I thought you were with Shepard.”

“I was.  There’s no time for the full story, but she needs your help now.  Or five minutes ago.  Long story short, I didn’t send the message, it was a trap.  There were guys with guns, and she made me leave to find you.”  There was a pause, and then he added, “Not before using me as _bait_ , though.”

James had no idea what the hell Joker was talking about, but he’d heard enough to know he needed to get to Shepard fast.  He was already out the door and headed towards his rented skycar when he replied.  

“Where is she?”

“She was still at the restaurant when I left.  We’d been there about five minutes when some twitchy Alliance Intelligence officer came up and started going on about a group of people hacking into Shepard’s accounts and trying to kill her.  And then these guys showed up and started shooting.”

“Okay, I’ll head to the restaurant and try and contact her.  Where are you?”

“I’m on my way to try and gather everyone else.”

“All right.  Let me know if you hear anything.”

“You too.”

As the call disconnected, James concentrated on getting his car to the Wards as fast as he could.  He knew he was getting close when he saw the flashing lights.  It looked like C-Sec had the area locked down.  He parked his car as close as he could, and took off on foot.  Pulling up his omni-tool, he tried to contact Shepard.

“Lola?  You reading me?”

“Yeah, and it’s good to hear your voice.”

“Joker sorta filled me in.  You alright?”

“Um, mostly.  The faster you could find me, the better though.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m heading towards a place called Cision Motors.  Head towards that and listen for the gunfire.”

He quickly looked up the skycar lot she was referring to and took off before replying, “Life with you is never dull, Lola.”

Another voice he didn’t recognize broke in.  “Excuse me, who is this?  You’re on an unsecured channel, and you’re putting Commander Shepard in danger!”

“The hell?  Who are _you_?”

“Staff Analyst Brooks, say hello to Lieutenant James Vega.  And vice versa.  Please be nice to each other, and just worry about getting me out of here.  Preferably alive.”

James smiled to himself.   _That’s my girl_ , he thought to himself.  Out loud, he said, “Okay, Lola.  I’m close.  Can you hold out for just a few more minutes?”

“You better believe it.  I’ll be damned if this night ends without me getting dessert.”

She was trying to keep the mood light, but he could hear the tension in her voice.  He picked up his pace and said, “Yeah, I noticed the chocolate sauce in the fridge.”

“I knew you would, Lieutenant.  By the way, I hope you brought some medi-gel with you.  This dress doesn’t have pockets, and it did nothing to cushion my fall.”

“Locked and loaded.  Just waiting for me to find you.”

“Good...Uh, Brooks?  I can see the lot, but the way across is locked down.”

“Right, because of the...uh, lockdown.  Can you get through?”

“I’ll try to override it.”

James stopped in his tracks when alarms started blaring all around him.

“Lola!  What the hell just happened?”

“Um...I was bored, and decided to make things more interesting?”

“ _Dios_!  I’m almost there, hold on!”

“I’m holding…”

Brooks broke in again, “Commander?  It’d really be great if you could stay off the comm.”

James stopped the retort he’d been about to give.  Shepard was already drawing enough attention to herself, he really didn’t need to help.  He just needed to get to that car lot.  The sound of gunfire told him he was very close.  It strangely reassured him.  If they were still shooting, she was still fighting.  From what he could tell by the direction of the sounds, he came into the skycar lot on the opposite side from where she was.  

He quickly made his way through the vehicles.  Before long, he saw two armed men in a smaller entryway off to the side.  Intuition and common sense told him they were the bad guys.  The only weapon he had was the pistol he always kept with him, so he pulled it out and lined up his first shot.  He easily took the first guy down since they had no idea he was behind them.  The second guy turned his gun towards James, but he was too slow.  He was down before he could line up his own shot.  The door behind the merc opened as he fell, and James felt a wave of relief wash over him.

“Lola.  Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey there, soldier.  Come here often?”

“Not really, but I heard there was a damsel in distress somewhere around here.”

She snorted in reply.  This was apparently a bad idea, because she winced and grabbed her side.  James suddenly remembered the medi-gel he’d brought with.  He handed it to her, and she took it gratefully, immediately applying it.

“You okay?”

“I am now.  Thank you.”  She took the fresh thermal clip he handed her and then said, “But if you _ever_ call me a _damsel in distress_ again…”

“Hey, who said I was talking about you?  That Brooks sure sounds like she fits the bill.”

“Ow, don’t make me laugh.  Medi-gel works fast, but not that fast.”  She started to walk past him, saying, “Brooks said a C-Sec shuttle can meet us outside that big gate over there.  We need to find a way to get it open.”

He followed her back into the larger part of the lot, towards the offices in the back.  While she tried to open the door, he peeked in through the windows.  At the same time she raised her gun and told him to stand back, he saw movement inside.

“Woah, Lola!  Hold up!”

She frowned at him.  “What?”

He knocked on the window, and he again saw movement, but there was no reply.  He cupped his hands and shouted, “Hey!  Can you open the gate?”

James watched the big gates come down and then turned back towards the office.

“Thank you!”

The volus inside finally spoke, “Please leave.”

James looked towards Shepard and raised his brow.

She just scowled back at him.  “Oh, whatever.  I _did_ just fall multiple stories through a fish tank.  Cut me _some_ slack.”

He just laughed and followed her outside to wait for the C-Sec shuttle.  It was barely a minute later when they saw it approaching.  As it landed, the door opened.  He reacted too slowly.  By the time his brain had registered that those were not C-Sec agents pointing guns at them from inside the shuttle, Shepard had tackled him to the ground.  They quickly made their way to cover.

“Who the hell did you piss off this time, Lola?”

She shook her head.  “I have no idea, but they are persistent!  And able to get into C-Sec systems apparently.”

“It scares me that you sound almost proud.”

She laughed, but was unable to reply when they were interrupted by a loud roar.  He watched in amazement as Wrex landed on top of the shuttle and took out all of the mercs inside.  Then the krogan turned towards them and grinned.

“Hey, Shepard.  You guys need a hand?”

“Wrex, I have never been so happy to see your ugly mug in my life!”

“Yeah, yeah.  Shepard, are you sure you’re not at least part krogan?  You always have the best enemies.”

“Ha!  See, James?   _He’s_ proud of me.”

James just shook his head.  “Yeah, that’s great.  How about we find a way out of here?  We’ve got more company.”

He pointed back into the skycar lot, where a squad of mercs had just been dropped.  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Wrex pump his fists.

“All right.  More!  You _do_ have a backup plan for getting out of here, though, right Shepard?”

“Um...probably?” She grabbed a shotgun off of one of the mercs and threw it to James.  “Here.  I know you can do more damage with this.”

“Thanks.”

They all darted from cover to cover, taking out as many of the mercs as they could in the meantime.  Several minutes had passed, with new mercs just popping up to replace the ones they were taking down, when Wrex realized something.

“Shepard?   _Do_ you have a way out?  That wasn’t a yes.”

“To be fair, it wasn’t a no either,” James interjected.  “And Joker’s on his way.  You know he’s been listening in the whole time.  It’s what he does.”

Right on cue, they all heard Joker’s voice in their ear.

“And it’s gonna save your ass today, Vega.  Commander, I’m two minutes out.”

Shepard grinned.  “See, Wrex?  You should know better than to doubt me.”

The krogan only grunted in reply before headbutting a merc.  They continued to just try and stay alive until Joker could get there with the shuttle.  James was amazed at the number of mercs that just kept pouring in.  Whoever these guys were, there were a lot of them.  He normally loved a good fight, but this was getting ridiculous.  

It felt a lot longer than two minutes before they heard Joker’s voice again, telling them he was approaching the landing zone.  They didn’t need to be told twice.  Quickly and carefully, they made their way out the gate and towards the shuttle that had just arrived.  One they were all safely aboard and headed back to Shepard's apartment, James turned towards her.

"Lola."

She looked up at him. "Yeah?"

Instead of answering, he grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms.  Then would his fingers into her hair and brought his lips to hers.  It was not even remotely gentle.  He'd spent the last twenty minutes alternating between scared out of his mind and angry beyond belief.  He wasn't going to push her away this time, though.  This time he was letting her know exactly how he felt.

When he finally pulled away, she raised her brow and said, “Something on your mind James?”

“Yeah.  Two things.  First, I think I am finally coming to terms with the fact that the woman I love is absolutely insane.  And, if I’m completely honest with myself, that’s probably a huge part of why I love you.”

She grinned.  “And what’s the second thing?”

“You are never, _ever_ going anywhere alone with Joker ever again.”

“Hey!”  The pilot shouted from the front of the shuttle.  “Those guys were after _her_ , not me.  And you don’t have to worry about it anyways.  If you think I want to go _anywhere_ with the woman who used me as bait, you’re crazy.”

Shepard laughed.  “I saved your ass, Joker.  And now you’ve saved mine, so we’re even.”

“Ha!  Your count is off.  You still owe me at least three daring bits of rescue by my count.”

“Oh, well excuse me.  I thought my _dying_ counted as at least three.”

“Ouch!  That’s a low blow, Commander.”

“So we won’t mention the bait thing again?”

There were several seconds of silence before Joker finally replied.  James couldn’t help but laugh at the pilot’s pouting tone as he said, “Fine.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next couple of days passed by in a blur to James.  They’d been able to trace the weapons the mercs had been carrying back to a casino owner named Elijah Khan.  From records Liara had found, he didn’t seem to be involved in whatever was happening with Shepard other than supplying weapons.  But he did know who was in charge of it, and they were hopeful they could get the info from him.  As luck would have it, Khan was throwing a swanky party at his casino the following night, and Liara had managed to get them a couple invites.  They’d hoped to have a word with him once there.

But, as per usual with Shepard, it had not quite been that easy.  After hacking their way into his safe room, they’d found Khan dead and most of his records wiped out.  Shepard did manage to find a trace of a recent communication between Khan and what appeared to be the ringleader, and when she’d hit the ‘return call’ button, they’d had a brief conversation.  They still didn’t know who this was or why they were after Shepard, but they did know that they harbored a lot of anger towards her for some reason.

They took the wiped hard drive back to EDI, who managed to recover some of the information with Brooks’ help.  It still didn’t tell them who they were up against, but it did tell them they had amassed a huge amount of firepower.  They had also been able to determine that the mercs they’d been up against had been part of a group calling themselves CAT6, and they seemed to fit the name.  It appeared they were hired by whoever this mystery person was.  That seemed like the next logical avenue to pursue until they were interrupted by Liara’s drone.

Someone had used Shepard’s Spectre access codes to get into the Citadel Archives.  Since the Archives was a large place to cover, and since they had learned the amount of firepower the mercs would be carrying, Shepard decided to pull everyone in.  They had been prepared for a tough fight.  

What they hadn’t been prepared for was their first face-to-face chat with this mysterious ring-leader.  It was Shepard.  Or, rather, it was a clone of Shepard.  A clone that had been made by Cerberus when they’d been resurrecting the real Shepard, and discarded by them once they’d realized they didn’t need her.  Her plan seemed to be to get rid of all of them, the real Shepard plus all the people who would be able to tell the difference, and then completely take over her identity.  They fought through waves and waves of mercs as they chased her through the archives.  In the end, they were betrayed.

Staff Analyst Brooks turned out to actually be an ex-Cerberus operative who was working with the clone.  It seemed to James that she may have actually been the real ringleader.  Shepard had remained calm as Brooks and the clone trapped them all in a vault tube, went on and on about their pro-human agenda, and wiped her Spectre records to replace them with the clone’s.  Even after they locked the tube they were trapped in inside of an iridium vault, she made jokes.  James was starting to get worried about her mental health when she reminded him that Liara’s drone was still floating around outside somewhere and would be able to get them out.

Once they did finally make their way out of the Archives, they rushed towards the Normandy to try and stop the clone from taking off with it.  They managed to get there just in time.  Traynor met them outside, and after being convinced she was talking to the real Shepard, she got them aboard the locked ship with her _toothbrush_.  James was still shaking his head at that as they crawled through the underbelly of the Normandy.

Shepard was directly in front of him, so he said, “It has to be said, Lola.  The view down here is a lot better than I would have ever expected.”

“Enjoying it, are you?  Maybe we should switch positions.”

“Nah.  I don’t think Scars in the lead would have quite the same effect.”

She laughed.  “That’s what _you_ think.”

James was about to reply when the turian in question spoke from behind him.

“As much as I would love hearing you discuss the merits of my ass, maybe we should stop talking so as to not announce our presence to the ship full of bad guys.”

As they were about to be beneath the CIC, James decided that Garrus had a point and shut his mouth.  When they did finally emerge in the middle of the CIC, they were immediately under fire.  After taking care of all of the mercs on the main deck, they made their way down to the shuttlebay in search of the clone and Brooks.  When the doors opened, the shuttle bay appeared empty at first. But then the clone stepped out from behind the crates.

James did a double-take.  She had changed into armor that was identical to Shepard’s and was carrying the exact same shotgun.  If they were stood side by side, you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

Shepard took a step forward, saying, “Well, that’s creepy.”

“Took the words right out of my mouth, Lola.”

And then the bullets were flying.  Another squad of mercs appeared and James lost track of Shepard.  After a while of fighting, he saw Brooks go down, and then he didn’t hear any more gunfire.  The mercs all appeared to be taken care of, but where were Shepard and the clone?  He caught movement towards the back of the bay, in front of the open door.  Two identical Shepards were locked in hand-to-hand combat.  Suddenly, the Normandy took a hard turn and he watched in horror as they both fell, rolling out of view.  

Out of view and right towards the door that was open to the Citadel far, far below the racing ship.

“Shepard!”


	43. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Posting a day early. Holiday weekend coming up, and I’m not sure if I’ll be home to post tomorrow. :) So…more adult stuff at the end of this chapter. It still doesn’t come easy to me, but I’m stubborn and I’ll keep trying until it does. I do appreciate all feedback and helpful suggestions!  
> Also, we’re still in the Citadel DLC for those of you who may not have played it (and probably will be for ONE more chapter).  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.   
> At all.   
> I don’t even try anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard!”

Garrus’ shout shook James out of his stupor and he took off running towards the back of the shuttle bay, arriving at the same time as the turian.  The two identical women were hanging off the back of the ship.  There was not time to figure out who was who, so dropped and pulled up the woman right in front of him, and Garrus pulled up the other.  He still didn’t know which one was the clone, so even though it felt completely wrong, he pointed his gun at both of them once they were secured.  

Garrus did the same, saying, “Uh, I’m deferring to you on this one, Lieutenant.”

“Yeah, thanks Scars.  Lola, please don’t hate me for this.”

The woman on the left spoke first, “You’re doing exactly what I’d want you to, James.  You know that.”

Okay.  Well, that _sounded_ like Shepard.  The woman on the right remained silent.  For some reason, he felt drawn to the woman on the right, but he couldn’t make a decision based solely on that.  James searched his memories, trying to find something that he could use to tell them apart.  He had no way of knowing how deep they’d delved into Shepard’s life in their attempt to pass the clone off as her.  Asking questions seemed pointless when they were all in the same room.  Maybe…

Well, it was a long shot to think they wouldn’t have duplicated them, but it was worth a try.

“I really hate to do this to you, Lola, but let me see your tattoos.”

The woman on the left smiled and quickly did as he said.  She turned around, and removed her chestpiece, pulling her lining up so he could clearly see the tattoos on her back.  The woman on the right hesitated.  At first, he thought that he’d lucked out, and she was the clone and didn’t have the tattoos.  He was about to tell Garrus to take her away when something in her eyes stopped him.

“Lola?”

She gave him a small smile and said, “I hadn’t planned on telling you this way…”

And then she also removed her armor and lifted her lining.  He stood looking at two identical backs, with matching tattoos.  Except...No, they weren’t quite the same.  There was one on the right that wasn’t on the left, and one he didn’t remember seeing before.  It was in that same secret code as her others, so he couldn’t tell what it said, but he _did_ recognize the symbol underneath it.  

He remembered a conversation from just a few weeks ago.  It was right after they’d had their date, and he had decided to celebrate by getting new ink.  She had happened to walk by as he was having it done.

_“James?”_

_“Hey Lola.”_

_She raised a brow at him.  “Getting a new tattoo?”_

_He nodded.  “Yeah.  I decided that since I can’t go through official channels right now, I’d just have the N7 logo put on permanently.”_

_“So you decided to accept?”_

_“Yeah.  I have a pretty good training officer, after all.”_

_“You do?”_

_“Well, I can’t think of anyone better than you.”_

_“Me?  I’m not a training officer.”_

_“Yeah, well...no official channels, remember?  Plus, can you think of any better training than this war?”_

_“You may have a point.  I’m going to start being harder on you now, though.”_

_He laughed.  “Good.  Listen, Lola, I know it seems like I don't take things seriously. But when I commit to something, I fully commit.”_

_She gave him an unreadable look and then said, "Clearly."_

_“Hey, I won’t let you down.”_

_“I know,” she said softly._

_The mood had changed, and he didn’t know what to make of it.  So he decided to lighten things up._

_“So, maybe we should get matching.”_

_“You want me to get an N7 tattoo?”_

_He grinned.  “N7...sure.  Or maybe you could get my name done somewhere special.”_

_She laughed.  “Nice try.  See ya back at the ship.”_

_“Later, Lola.”_

Now, lightly tracing the new N7 tattoo with his finger, he whispered, “Matching…”

She smiled over her shoulder at him and said softly, “Yeah, I know you can’t read the other part, but I actually went with both of your suggestions.”

James turned towards Garrus and tilted his head to the woman on the left.

“That’s the clone.”

The turian just nodded and grabbed the clones arm.  “All right.  To the brig with you.”

The clone laughed almost maniacally.  “I _am_ Commander Shepard.”

With her free hand, she reached into her waistband and pulled out a small pistol none of them had noticed before.  She lifted it and pointed it directly at Shepard’s head, but James was faster this time.  Before she could get a shot off, he had brought his own weapon up and pulled the trigger.  It had been a purely instinctual reaction, protecting Shepard.

He was unprepared for the emotional reaction he had once he realized that he had just shot a woman that looked exactly like her.  It felt as if something inside him twisted painfully as he watched her sink to the ground.  He was frozen in place as he felt Shepard move next to him.  She kneeled on the ground next to the other woman and grabbed her hand.

The clone looked up at Shepard with a look that was both sad and angry at the same time.  “Why you?  What makes you so damned special?  Why _you_ and not me?”

Shepard’s expression was pure sadness as she replied.  “Remember what you said back in the Archives?  You said that you were the lone wolf I was meant to be.  But what you couldn’t learn by just reading my files was that all these people around me are what makes me, _me_.  You can copy those tattoos on my back, but you’ll never understand the meaning behind any of them.  Not really.  I am _nothing_ without these people by my side.  Those that are there in spirit as well as those that are there physically.”

“I don’t…”  The clone took one last, shallow breath.  “...don’t understand.”

“I know.”

Shepard stayed there for a minute before she reached out and gently closed the other woman’s eyes.  Then she turned towards James and said softly, “Are you okay?”

He looked at her in shock.  “Me?  I-”

He never got a chance to reply.  They were interrupted by a skycar landing in the shuttlebay behind them, and Joker and Cortez stepped out.  Immediately, they all got to work regaining control of the Normandy.  Once they had it docked at the Citadel once again, there was a flurry of activity.  Brooks had been injured, but not killed, and was transferred over to Alliance custody.  C-Sec came to take care of the dead mercs and to work on getting Shepard’s records fixed.  

In the middle of all of that hustle and bustle, it had been relatively easy for James to sneak out unnoticed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard had noticed James sneak out when they had docked, but she had been too busy with C-Sec to be able to do anything about it.  She had also seen the color drain from his face when he’d realized that he had killed her clone.  While it hadn’t necessarily been _easy_ to witness from her end, she was certain it had been much harder for him.  She tried to get all the loose ends tied up with C-Sec as fast as she could.  When Joker and several other members of her crew tried to talk to her after, she brushed them off.  Somewhere in there she _may_ have promised Joker that she’d throw a party, but she was only half paying attention.

She thought she had finally broken free, when Garrus cornered her.

“You okay, Shepard?”

“Me?  I’m fine.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I mean, that was pretty _weird_ , but I’m okay.  Really.”

She felt Garrus studying her for a bit before he replied.  “You know it was just instinct, right?  He was just protecting you.”

She looked up sharply.  “Wait, what?  You think _I’m_ upset because he killed her?”  A thought suddenly occurred to her.  A possibility she hadn’t thought of before.  “Is that what _he_ thinks?”

Garrus just shrugged.  “I have no idea what he’s thinking.  I’m just saying that no matter what you _say_ , I know that couldn’t have been an easy thing to see.”

Shepard shook her head.  “You’re right, of course.  It wasn’t, but not because of that.”  She smiled.  “I really am okay, Garrus.  And I know I have plenty of people to turn to if that changes.”

He smiled in return.  “Okay.   _That_ time I believed you.”

She laughed.  “Thanks, Garrus.  I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah, I heard something about a party…”

“Crap.  I should know by now not to just agree with whatever Joker says, especially if I’m not really paying attention.”

She could still hear Garrus laughing as she walked towards the nearest skycab terminal.  Entering her destination, she waited impatiently for the cab to arrive.

Since the Normandy wasn’t an option, she knew exactly where to find James.

 

 

* * *

 

 

There was only one sure way to clear his head, so James used the passcode she had given him and let himself into Shepard’s apartment.  He knew that that’s where she’d eventually retreat to anyways.  Making a beeline for the bedroom on the lower level, James immediately started working the bag that had been set up down there.  He wasn’t sure how much time had passed by the time he finally heard the front door open.

She moved quietly, so he didn’t hear her enter the room, but he could feel her watching him.  She remained there, silent for a few minutes, before she finally spoke.

“You want to talk about it?”

His immediate reaction, as it usually was when it came to this, was to say no.  So he surprised both of them when he said, “Yeah.  But give me a minute, okay?”

“Sure.  I just want to say...I don’t know exactly what you’re thinking, but you should know…”  She was fumbling for words, and his curiosity made him finally turned towards her.  “You saved my life.  She would have killed me.”

“I know.”

“Okay.  Good.  I...I’m going to go take a shower.  Talk after?”

He just nodded, and she walked out of the room, leaving him alone to his thoughts.  He’d told her the other day, after the _incident_ at the sushi restaurant, that he’d accepted that she was always going to be getting into crazy, life-threatening situations.  And he thought he had.  No, strike that.  He _had_ accepted it.  He wouldn’t have retreated to her apartment if he hadn’t.  But that didn’t mean that after seeing her die, even if it wasn’t _really_ her, he wouldn’t be affected.  

That’s really all it was, though.  He certainly wasn’t running anywhere this time.  From the way she was acting though, _she_ didn’t know that.  He smiled to himself.  He could fix that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard stood in the shower, letting the water beat down on her head, and thought about the last couple of days.  She was really running out of ways to be surprised at her own life.  After having the codex of an extinct civilization downloaded into her brain, coming back from the dead, entering a war with a race of ancient machines from dark space, and all of the other crazy things that had happened to her along the way, a clone was really almost predictable.  People could still surprise her at every turn, though, in ways both good and bad.  She always knew that she was surrounded by great people, and that they helped to shape her, but she had never realized just how much until she met her clone.

“Lola?”

James’ voice at the door startled her out of her thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“You mind if I join you?”

Shepard smiled to herself.  “Not at all.”

She had her back turned to the shower door when he entered.  As she started to turn, she was stopped by his hands on her shoulders.  She didn’t say anything as he slowly traced the newest tattoo on her back.

Finally, he said, “So...that’s my name?”

She nodded, but didn't say anything.

“Somewhere special.”

It wasn’t a question, but she answered anyways.  “The most special.”

“I’m in good company.”

“You are.”

“So...when did you get this?”

“When I was on the Citadel right after retaking Omega.  While I was waiting for the Normandy to pick me up.”

Silence.  Several heartbeats, and then, “But...that’s when…”

She spun around and looked up into his eyes.

“Yeah.”

His expression was unreadable as he just stared back at her.  She could tell there were a million thoughts running through his head, but she couldn’t tell what any of them were.  Finally, he just smiled at her.

“You’re really something, Lola, you know that?”

Grinning, she snaked her arms around his neck and asked, “Something good or something bad?”

Shepard had no problem reading the next look that passed over his face.  He took a step forward and pinned her up against the wall.

“What if I say that I’m not always sure?”

Her reply was cut off before it began as he cupped her face in his hands and brought his lips down to hers.  The kiss was gentle, but that wasn’t what Shepard wanted right now, so she dug her fingernails into his back and bit his bottom lip.

He pulled back slightly, and the look he gave was almost feral as he said, “Bad it is.”

And this time when he kissed her, it was hard and forceful.  His tongue did not request entrance, it demanded it.  He buried his fists in her hair and pulled lightly, causing her to gasp into his mouth.  Breaking the kiss, he pulled just a little harder to force her neck to arch, and then he bit lightly at the junction of her neck and shoulder.  He replaced his teeth with his lips and she felt her knees buckle.  

James held her in place as his teeth and lips slowly followed the trails the water made down her body, pausing only to nip and suckle at each of her breasts before venturing even lower.  She could feel that exquisite tension building, and when he stopped just below her navel and started back up, she almost screamed.  She must have made a frustrated sound because James chuckled and then looked up at her with a devilish grin.

“Something wrong, Lola?”

“You are a ridiculous tease, James Vega.”

“Is there something that you’d like?”

Oh, was _that_ the game?  She smirked and said, “Oh yes, _Lieutenant_. I’d very much like that talented mouth of yours to turn back around and keep going.”

“Aye-aye, _Commander_.”

Still grinning, he put his hand behind her right knee and pulled her leg onto his shoulder. He nipped and kissed his way along the inside of her thigh, continuing the slow torture.  When he finally made his way to where she really wanted him, she was already so close.  He worked his tongue against her nub, bringing her right to the edge before gently nipping and sending her over.  She screamed his name as the world exploded around her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James felt Shepard trembling around him, and held her upright as she slowly regained her composure.  Once he was reasonably sure she could support her own weight, he lowered her leg and stood up.  Turning the shower off, he picked her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom, carefully laying her down on the bed.  He’d played it her way the first time, but now he was taking what _he_ needed.

And what he needed was to be reassured that she was alive.  He took his time and explored every inch of her body, both of them savoring the slow build as his lips made their way from her ears to her toes and then back up.  He found all of the spots that made her giggle and all of the spots that made her sigh, filing all the information away for later.  After he finished mapping her body, he settled in above her and brought his hand down to bring her to a second climax with his fingers.  As he watched her come undone, he couldn’t help but marvel at the knowledge that he was the one doing that to her.

“God, Lola, you are so beautiful,” he whispered before claiming her lips with his own once again.  He kept it gentle this time, trying to convey the depth of his feelings in a way he couldn’t with mere words.  She responded by wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him down.  Taking the hint, he sheathed himself within her in one quick thrust, groaning at the sensation of her warmth enveloping him.  Shepard whimpered and clenched around him, and it took all of his willpower to not to lose it right then.

“Christ!  Lola, I am not going to last long if you keep that up!”

She responded by raking her nails down his back and saying, “Mmm, payback’s a bitch, huh?”

Then she simultaneously bucked her hips up and pulled his head down for a searing kiss.  Unable to hold back any longer, he just let go.  He fisted his hands in her hair and deepened the kiss as he started to move with her.  

They moved together in perfect rhythm until he felt that familiar tightening and knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.  Bringing one hand down between them, he pinched and teased until she was gasping his name and he felt her spasming around him, immediately following her climax with his own.

After taking a minute to recover, he eased out of her and rolled over.  Shepard rolled over next to him, curling into his side and he felt her lips move against his neck as she said, “I love you, James.”

He tightened his arm around her and placed a kiss on the top of her head.  “I know.  And I love you too.”

“Good.”

That last word was muffled, and as he felt her grow heavier, he knew she had fallen asleep.  Careful not to wake her, he shifted to pull a blanket up over them and then joined her in oblivion.


	44. Shepard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Another early post. You don’t mind right? ;-) It's a little shorter, and I think I need the extra time to get the next chapter done because I have no idea what I’m doing…. lol  
> Not gonna lie, I teared up as I wrote the end of this chapter. Shepard might be ready, but I’m not. This brings us to the end run. All that’s left is Cronos Station and then Earth.  
> I can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated all the comments, kudos and bookmarks you guys have given me. :)   
> Just a reminder, this is still in Citadel DLC territory, so spoilers for those that haven’t played it. BUT, if you haven’t….Well, as Yoda would say, "Play it, you should." ;-)  
> BioWare owns all. I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Shepard slowly came into consciousness the next morning and realized that she was alone in the bed.  She heard James’ voice coming from downstairs so she slipped on a robe and walked towards the stairs.  Not hearing another voice, she assumed he was on the comm.  It sounded like he was in the kitchen, and something smelled delicious, so that was the direction she headed in.  Coming around the corner, she was greeted by the site of James in nothing more than a pair of boxers, standing in front of the stove as he finished his call.

He hadn’t noticed her come in, so she just leaned against the counter and watched him work for a while.  When he finally noticed her, he gave her a grin that she couldn’t help returning.

“Hey, Lola.  Hungry?”

“Famished.”  She took a seat at one of the barstools.

“Should be ready in just a minute.”  He spun around with a mug in his hand.  “Want some coffee while you wait?”

She took it with a grateful smile.  “You spoil me, James.  I could get used to waking up to you cooking me breakfast in your underwear.”

“Good.”

James winked at her and the turned back to the stove, stirring whatever was in the pan and pulling two plates from the cupboard.  She continued to watch him work, enjoying the comfortable silence.  And the view.  The view was nice, too.

“You keep staring like that, Lola, and I might get a little distracted and burn the food.”

“Well, we can’t have that.  Whatever you are cooking over there smells amazing.”

“Chorizo con Huevos,” he said as he sat a heaping plate in front of her and then took the stool to her right.

Shepard took a bite, and closed her eyes in pleasure at the familiar flavors.  When she opened them again, he was grinning at her.

“You like it?”

“I don’t know how you do it with the limited resources we have right now.  It’s perfect.  Is there any way I can convince you to become my personal chef?”

“Lola, you could convince me to do just about anything.”

She raised her brow at him.  “Oh?  Good to know.”

James laughed, and they continued to eat their breakfast in silence for several minutes.  Finally, he turned towards her and said, “So...I just got done talking to Joker.  He invited me to a party.  Apparently, a party _you_ are throwing.”

Shepard groaned.  “And when exactly am I throwing this party?  And how many people did he invite?”

“Well...everyone.  And he originally said tomorrow, but I talked him into waiting a couple more days.  The Normandy’s repairs aren’t supposed to be done until Wednesday, so Tuesday night?”

She sighed.  “Okay, I guess that gives me a few days to plan...something.”

“That sounds exciting,” James said sarcastically.  “How about _I_ take care of it?.”

Shepard eyed him suspiciously.  “I’m not sure if I should be grateful or scared.”

“Oh, ye of little faith.  I promise, it’ll be great.  Epic, even.”

“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

While leaving _her_ party in the hands of James and Joker left her feeling a little nervous, it did free her up to spend some time with her friends.  It seemed everyone felt the end nearing, and they’d all gravitated towards the Citadel, and each other, knowing there was a good chance some or all of them would not be making it through the next week.  The next several days were filled with all of the people who had been with her along the way, helping her in ways she wasn’t even sure she fully understood.  

Together with Thane’s son Kolyat, she held a memorial service for both Thane and Mordin.  She was happy when the entire crew showed up, including Miranda and Jacob, and everyone had had beautiful, insightful things to say.

Several hours were spent inside the combat simulator, with various members of her current and former crews.  Afterwards, she had some beers with Jack and her biotic varren.  Only Jack would have a biotic varren for a pet, but it _did_ suit her, and she seemed healthy and happy.  Working with the students was obviously good for her.  

She spent an evening in the nearby casino with Miranda, and came to find that she actually really enjoyed the other woman’s company.  They seemed to both long for a normalcy that always seemed just out of reach.  It really wasn’t in either of their DNA.  She’d run into Kasumi while there, and was happy to see the thief hadn’t changed a bit.  She had also run into Garrus and Tali, who were apparently on a date.  Watching them dance together, she’d felt so grateful that two of her very best friends had been able to find time for a little happiness.  Wrex had joined her at the bar, and after glancing their way, simply said, “About time.”  Shepard couldn’t help but agree with that.

Steve took her for an amazing ride in the shuttle.  He was an incredible pilot, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he missed flying a fighter.  He assured her that he was exactly where he wanted to be, shuttling her around, and she almost believed him.  She was just glad that he was smiling and living life again.  Jacob invited her to spend some time at the arcade with him, and she ran into both Traynor and Zaeed there.  Seeing how far Sam had come in her self-confidence was nice, and laughing as Zaeed wrestled with a vending machine over a child’s toy had been good for her soul.

A few people stopped by her apartment to visit with her as well.  Kaidan and Steve came over to watch a biotiball game with her and James, and Kaidan even cooked steak for all of them.  Samara had come by and they’d talked for an hour.  As much as Shepard couldn’t really understand the Code, she had to admit that Samara always seemed to be at peace with herself, and was a calming presence.  Tali and Liara brought a vid and a bottle of wine and they had a light-hearted girl’s night.  Liara ducked out early to spend as much time with Feron as she could before he left again.

She’d also bailed Grunt out of jail and appeared in a Blasto movie with Javik, but the best part of her shore leave had been the time with James.  He simply stayed at her apartment, and they had very quickly and easily settled into a comfortable routine.  The only bad part of it was that it made her wish for something that she wasn’t sure was ever in her future.

They avoided that subject.  The future.  Other than in the most abstract ways.  It was as if they had come to a silent agreement that talking of it would _assure_ that it never happened.  They were both smart, they were both soldiers, and they both knew that the task that laid in front of them was almost impossible.  So they completely and without reservation enjoyed the moment, but ignored the longing that they both felt for just a little...more.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard looked around at all the people gathered in her kitchen, finishing their breakfasts and nursing their hangovers.  The party the night before had been everything she’d expected from James and Joker, and it had been exactly what they’d all needed.  She wasn’t sure she could ever explain to these people how much they meant to her, but she needed try.  Quietly slipping out, she sent a couple of quick messages and waited for their responses.

Smiling at Hackett and Anderson as they both appeared on the QEC, she simply said, “Hi.”

Two weary faces smiled back at her.  Anderson spoke first.

“You look much better, Shepard.”

“Agreed,” said Hackett.  “You ready to finish this?”

She nodded.  “I am.  But before we ship out, I have something I want to say.  To everyone, but I wanted that to include you two.”

They simply nodded, and she went into the kitchen to ask everyone to gather in the front room.  As everyone filtered in, she looked at each of them in turn, reflecting on the things that they had each brought into her life.  She’d had a wild and crazy life, but these people had also made it wonderful.  She wanted to make sure they knew that.

“We all know the score.  We all know that this might be my last chance to say any of this to you.  I certainly hope not, but I don’t want to leave it unsaid.  Every single one of you has touched my life and helped to shape who I am in ways that are hard to even describe.  In ways that I didn’t even fully realize until I stood toe-to-toe with who I’d be without you.  The clone that Cerberus made had most of my memories, but only in the most abstract way.  I lived them, and I lived them all with _you_ , and that...that is what makes me so special.”

She chuckled self-consciously.  “I hope that doesn’t sound conceited, but the truth is, I’ve asked myself that question for years.  What makes _me_ so special?  Why did I survive Mindoir?  And Akuze?  Why was I chosen to be the first human Spectre?  Why did Cerberus bring me back to life?  And why...why was I chosen to lead this fight to save everyone and everything that we hold dear?  I think the answer lies in my experiences, and the people that gravitate around me.”  

She gave a pointed look towards the two men on the QEC.  “People argue with me, of course.  It’s the age old question: What came first, the chicken or the egg?  Am I who I am because of the people around me, or are these people around me because of who I am?  I always wanted to join the Alliance, but I’m not sure I would have been the soldier I was without experiencing Mindoir.  I’m not sure I would have been driven so much during N-school if I hadn’t first lived through Akuze.  I wouldn’t have defeated Saren without the crew I had, and the outside support from Anderson and Hackett.  And the Collectors, and this war, all of it wouldn’t have been possible without the experiences and the people that came before and along the way.”

Shepard took a deep breath before continuing.  “But, to be honest, I don’t think the answer really matters.  There is an old Irish proverb, an old saying from Earth, that my mother had framed on our wall when I was growing up. _It is in the shelter of each other that the people live._  I think I am finally able to appreciate what that really means.  It’s why I know we are going to win this war.  It may take great cost, and some of us might not see the end, but we _will_ win.  People give me the credit for it.  For turning Turian and Krogan into allies, for forging peace between Geth and Quarian, for stopping Sovereign, and for destroying the Collectors.  But the truth is that it was a group effort, every one of you playing a key part.  If one of you hadn’t been there, the results might be very different.”

“We provide each other shelter both in a small scale and on the larger scale.  All the races of the galaxy, united to fight a common enemy, is represented right here in this room.”  

She indicated to where Tali stood next to EDI  They had told her last night they felt confident they’d come up with a way to prevent major damage to the Relays and the Geth.  

“A quarian and an AI, worked together to solve a problem.”  Turning towards Wrex and Garrus, she said, “A turian and a krogan, who pretend they only tolerate each other, but we all know there is genuine respect and even, dare I say, affection there.”  

When Wrex growled, she just laughed.  Then she turned towards Kaidan with a smirk.  “And I even think I saw _you_ flirting with a former high-ranking Cerberus officer last night.”  When both he and Miranda blushed, and everyone laughed, she smiled.  

“Seriously though, from what I’ve learned of the previous cycles, they were not able to overcome their problems with each other and pull together when it mattered most.  We’ve done that, _you’ve_ done that, and we are _not_ going to let the Reapers take that away from us.  No matter what happens, I know that you will not let them.”

Shepard’s eyes burned with unshed tears, and her voice cracked.  She took a moment to pull herself back together before finishing.

“You all mean so much to me, more than I can say.  I just wanted you to know.”  She turned back towards the QEC and said, “See you soon.”

Anderson’s eyes were shining as he replied, “I’m so proud of you.  Go get that intel back, and then get here safe.”

Hackett simply nodded at her, but she saw the emotion in his eyes as well.  She hit the disconnect, and then turned back towards everyone else.  She was surprised to see everyone gathered around the couch, with their backs towards her.

Then she heard James say, “Saved you a spot, Lola.  Get over here so Glyph can take our picture.”

Smiling, she made her way over and tucked herself between James and EDI.  As James put his arm around her, pulled her close, and they all said ‘Normandy’, she knew she was ready for whatever came next.

 

 


	45. James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter started out kicking my ass big time. Then I got past whatever was blocking me and finished in a matter of just a few hours. Hope that’s not a bad thing. ;-)  
> I so very much appreciate all of your comments, kudos, etc.  
> BioWare owns all, I just can't leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

James watched Shepard pace back and forth in front of his station in the shuttle bay for the ninth time and finally decided he couldn’t take any more.

“Lola, do you have something to say, or are you trying to wear a hole into the bottom of the ship?  Because I don’t think Joker would appreciate that.”

She stopped and looked up at him.  “James, I…”  And then she started pacing again.

Sighing, he walked over to her and grabbed her shoulders.  He waited almost a minute for her to look up at him before he spoke.

“I get it.  You have to take EDI because she can get you into all the systems.  You have to take as small of a team as possible, and you need Garrus at your six.  Hell, _I_ need Garrus at your six so that I feel better about the chance of you getting up close and personal with that Kai Leng bastard.  So don’t worry about hurting my feelings, or whatever it is that’s on your mind right now.  Because _I get it_.”

Shepard didn’t reply, but he did see some of the worry leave her face before she leaned into him and rested her head on his chest.  He moved his arms around her and pulled her closer, so when she spoke, her words were somewhat muffled.

“Thank you.  Will you still come with in the shuttle?  Keep it and Steve safe while work our way in?”

He kissed the top of her head, and said, “Aye-aye.”

Since boarding the Normandy and heading towards the Horsehead Nebula, they’d seemed to have come to some sort of unspoken understanding.  Displays of affection while on duty were no longer avoided.  In fact, they had sought each other out as much as possible while completing their tasks.  They weren’t the only ones either.  Garrus and Tali were practically attached at the hip, and EDI had not left the bridge from the moment they’d disengaged from the Citadel.  He knew that she wanted him at her side during this mission as much as he wanted to be there, but it just wasn't practical.

“Okay guys, we’re about as close as I can get you, and the Alliance has cut a path through them for you.”  Joker’s voice rang overhead, and they reluctantly pulled apart.  “It’s now or never.”

As Cortez prepped the shuttle, James and Shepard put their armor on and grabbed their weapons.  Before long, they were joined by EDI and Garrus. No one said a word as they piled into the shuttle one by one.  The ride was tense and turbulent.  Alliance and Cerberus forces were locked in heated combat all around them.  Luckily for everyone, Steve was an excellent pilot.  

They were almost inside the hangar bay when they were hit, but he was able to land them with very little damage.  While Steve stayed inside the shuttle to immediately start repairs, everyone else jumped out with weapons drawn.   Cerberus troops had swarmed the shuttle upon it’s crash landing, and they were surrounded.  Thinking quickly, James threw a couple of grenades off to his right, clearing a path to wear some crates were sitting that would provide them with some cover.

Once they were in a better tactical position, it didn’t take the four of them long to clear the hangar bay of Cerberus troops.   Having EDI along proved to be a good idea almost immediately, as she was able to stop Cerberus from venting them out into space.  She had also hacked their fighter launching system to create an opening to the rest of the station.

This was where James would stay behind while the other three continued on.  Shepard came over and touched her helmet to his before turning and walking through the hole EDI had created with the fighter.  Once they were beyond his view, he made his way back closer to the shuttle to make sure that both it and it’s pilot were still in one piece when she finally came back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard looked down at the body of Kai Leng and felt a multitude of emotions passing over her, but first and foremost, was the feeling that things had just taken a turn towards even more desperate.  How was that even possible?

“EDI, get me Hackett.  Now.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Not even waiting for EDI’s reply, Shepard turned around and immediately started sprinting back towards the shuttle.

“James?”

“Yeah, Lola?”

“We need to move fast.  You guys ready?”

“Ready and waiting.”

“Good.  EDI, you have that connection to Hackett yet?”

“Yes, patching him through now.”

She heard Hackett’s voice in her ear.  “Shepard?  Did you get the data?”

“Yes.  But we have a problem.”

“Does it have anything to do with the Citadel being moved to the Sol System?”

Shepard stopped in her tracks.  “Yes.  How did you know?”

“Anderson just contacted me and told me it was there.  Do you know why?”

Taking a deep breath, she answered, “The Citadel _is_ the Catalyst.  And Cerberus handed it over to the Reapers.”  Silence.  “Sir?”

“Shit.  Okay, we need to get to Earth now.  Anderson is going to send a team to do some recon.  He said something big started happening in London right about the time the Citadel appeared.  Get back to the Normandy and we’ll reconvene at the agreed meeting point before jumping to Earth.”

“Aye-aye.”

“Hackett out.”

Motioning to Garrus and EDI, she started racing back towards the shuttle.  Shepard was grateful to find that James and Steve were all set when they got there, and they immediately took off towards the Normandy.  The minute they touched down in the shuttle bay, Shepard turned to EDI.

“Tell Joker to get us to the meeting point ASAP.”  EDI immediately took off, and Shepard turned to Garrus.  “Go tell everyone else to gather in the War Room.  I’m going to conference with the admirals, and I want everyone ready when I’m done.”

The turian nodded and then followed EDI out of the shuttle.  Steve finished shutting everything down and was right behind Garrus, leaving her and James alone.  She knew she should get up and follow everyone else.  It wouldn't take them long to get to the rendezvous point, and she had to make sure everything was ready.  Once they got there it was one Relay jump to Earth.  But she found herself unable to move.  She was vaguely aware of James moving next to her right before he knelt in front of her.

“You okay, Lola?”

“I’m scared, James.”

He reached up and cupped her cheek, whispering softly.  “Hey, that’s okay.”

“What if we’re not ready?  I want this all to be over, but what if that doesn’t mean what I want it to mean?”

“There is no way you could have done anything more to get us ready for this.  That’s really all I can say.”

“Yeah.”

He was right.  He could sit there and tell her that everything was going to be fine, and that he was one hundred percent sure that they were going to win and destroy the Reapers once and for all.  But it would just be bravado.  That’s not what she wanted.  So what _was_ she looking for?  She just wasn’t sure.

But James seemed to know her better than she knew herself as he pulled her face down to his and kissed her fiercely.  It was completely raw and exactly what she had needed.  When he broke off, he laid his forehead against hers and cupped her face in her hands before speaking softly.

“I can’t promise you that I’ll make it through this any more than you can promise me that you will.  What I can say is that the thought of being with you when this is all over, _really_ being with you, is going to be a powerful driving force for me to survive.  I love you, Kiliane Shepard.  No matter what happens today, that isn’t going to change.”

“I know.”  Her heart squeezed painfully as she looked at him.  What if this was the last time she looked into those eyes?  She kissed him softly and then stood up, pulling him with.

Reaching up with one hand to caress his cheek, she said, “And I love you, too.”

Then she grabbed his hand, and they finally exited the shuttle together.  She could delay no longer.  It was time to face whatever came next.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Wait, what?”  Shepard looked at Hackett standing next to her and then at the image of Anderson in the QEC.  “Why and _how_ are we boarding the Citadel from London?”

She watched Anderson push a button on his console and an image of a strange device popped up in front of her and Hackett.

“The Reapers set this up here right as the Citadel appeared.  They seem to have been using it to transfer people up there.”  He paused a second before continuing.  “Alive _and_ dead.”

Shepard shivered as the implication of that set in.  She’d seen what they had been using humans for aboard the Collector base.  She squared her shoulders.

“So, we get to the beam, we get to the Citadel.  We end this, once and for all.  I’m ready.  My crew is more than ready.  Just say the word.”

The two men shared a look and then Anderson said, “I’ll see you when you get planet-side, Shepard.”

He pushed a button and his image blinked out, leaving her alone with Hackett.  The look on his face when he turned towards her had her holding up her hands.

“No.  You do not get to make me cry before I have to go talk to my crew.  This isn’t good-bye anyways.  You’re going to take care of things up here, and we’re going to take care of things down there.  Then, when the Reapers are fucking space debris, we’re meeting at the closest bar and drinks are on me.  So don’t give me that look.  Don’t say whatever it is that you were about to.  Just...please don’t.”

It wasn’t working.  The look he gave her told her he _knew_ it wasn’t working.  Her eyes were burning as he pulled her into a hug.

“I don’t know...As an admiral, I’ve given countless orders to countless soldiers.  I’ve known many times that I was sending them into a situation that they more than likely wouldn’t be able to return from.  It has never been easy, but it’s part of the job.  But none of them have been _you_.  On one hand, I have more faith in you coming out of this alive than anyone else I could think of.  On the other hand, there is a huge part of me that doesn’t want to take that risk.”

He sighed and pulled back, holding onto her shoulders and looking at her with a sad smile.  “But I know what’s at stake.”  Laughing, he added, “And I know you would go anyways.”

Shepard wiped her eyes and smiled.  “Damn right, I would.  So, are we ready?”

He hesitated for the briefest of seconds before nodding his head once.  “Yes.  I’ll head back to my ship for the jump to the Sol System.  Once we’re through you’ll go ahead with Hammer, and I’ll hang back with Sword.  You’re in charge, Shepard.  They’ll follow you.  Get to Anderson, and he’ll fill you in from there.”

“Aye-aye, Sir.”

“Damn it, don’t start that.  Don’t salute me, don’t call me ‘sir’, don’t do any of that.  Just…be careful.”

“You too.”

They stood there just looking at each other for several minutes before he finally turned and left.  She waited until he had gone through the War Room before she stepped out to address her crew.  She could see that every single one of them was ready to follow her wherever it was that she was leading.  They completely trusted her, and she completely trusted them.  No one had any illusions that this would be easy, or that they wouldn’t come out with scars-or worse.  But if there was a group of people who could stop this threat once and for all, she was looking at them.  

Smiling, she stepped forward.

“Who’s ready to go tell the Reapers that they picked the wrong fucking galaxy?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard couldn’t believe her eyes as she stood behind Steve in the shuttle, looking at the carnage below her.  Was that really Earth?  She knew it would be bad.  She’d seen the devastation they’d done in short time before she’d left.  She’d seen what had happened to Thessia.  But she hadn’t been prepared for this.

Feeling someone move up behind her, she turned to see James looking at the feed.

“Holy hell.”

“Yeah,” she said softly.  “Hard to believe, isn’t it?”

Suddenly the shuttle shifted hard to port and she stumbled, barely catching herself on the doorframe to prevent falling on her ass. Steve’s hands started flying across the controls as he shouted, “Shit!  We’ve got a lock.  Hold on!”

Shepard held her breath as he maneuvered the shuttle away from the cannon’s beam.  Her relief that they had missed it was short-lived, however, as he turned towards her with worry in his eyes.

“They hit the shuttle behind us.  That was the squad responsible for taking out that defense turret.  I don’t see anyone else around that can take it out.”

Shepard made a quick decision.

“Then we’ll have to do it so the rest of Hammer can land.  Can you set us down?”

“Yeah.  Hang on.  That team that just went down would have had heavy weapons on hand.  I’ll try to get you as close to them as I can.”

They were under fire immediately.  James provided cover from the shuttle while she, Garrus, and Kaidan made their way to the nearest cover.  It was absolute chaos, and the Hades Cannon kept going off and causing everything around them to shake.  But they eventually made their way, and then provided cover for James to join them so Steve could take off again.  He circled above them, providing them direction through the comm.

It was slow going.  There were waves upon waves of marauders and cannibals, even a couple of brutes, but eventually they made their way towards the building that the other shuttle had crashed on top of.  It was a mess.  The entire building had been reduced to little more than rubble, and getting to the top wasn’t going to be easy.  As her team started to carefully make their way up what remained of the stairs, Steve’s voice rang in her ear.

“Commander, there are a couple of harvesters headed this way.  I’m going to try and draw them away from you.”

“Appreciate it, Lieutenant.”

Slowly, they continued up towards the wrecked shuttle.  They weren’t far from the top when she heard Steve swear and then a loud explosion off to her left.

“Steve?”

Nothing.

“Steve, talk to me!”

“I’m sorry, Commander.  I’ve been hit.  I can’t keep this thing in the air.  You’re going to need another exit strategy.”

Her shoulders sagged in relief.  “Just get yourself somewhere safe, Lieutenant.  We’ll figure the rest out.”

“Aye-aye.”

James had made it to the top, and looked back at her.  “Lola, we got company.  That wreckage is swarming with reapers.”

“Any cover?”

“Not much, but some.”

“Okay.  You guys hang back and cover me while make a run to the shuttle.  I can move the fastest with my charge, and my barrier should hold up long enough.”

All three nodded at her and then took their positions.  Once they had started to fire on the Reaper troops, she climbed over the top and tried to determine the best thing to focus her charge on.  Seeing on a partially collapsed wall next to the downed shuttle, she started focusing her biotics and propelled herself towards it.

Rolling at the end to prevent crashing through it, she then jumped to her feet and started digging through the remains of the shuttle.  She didn’t see the bodies of the crew anywhere, and that coupled with the fact it had been crawling with husks and cannibals just a few minutes earlier, left her feeling chilled.   Shaking it off, she continued to dig through the rubble until she found what she was looking for.

Two rounds.  Shepard was a good shot.  An excellent shot even.  But with the possibility that the entire war might hinge on them taking out this cannon, she wasn’t going to take any chances.  Turning around, she focused on James and propelled herself back to her team.  She took a half a second to enjoy the look of shock on his face when she popped up in front him, before turning to Garrus and handing him the Cain.

“You’re the best shot in the galaxy.  You’ve got two shots to take out that cannon.”

The turian grinned, took the weapon from her hand, and said, “Please, Shepard.  You know I only need one.”

The rest of them kept him covered while he lined up his shot and pulled the trigger.  True to his word, the first shot hit it’s mark, and the cannon exploded.  She slapped a hand on his back.

“Thanks, Garrus.”  Then she spoke into her comm. “This is Commaner Shepard.  The Hades Cannon is down.  Hammer is clear to land.  Is there anyone that can get to us?  We lost our shuttle and need a pick-up.”

Silence.  She was about to try again when Kaidain shouted, “Banshee!”

“Fuck.”  They were running low on clips and reaper troops were still pouring out of every hole surrounding them.  And no exit strategy.  “Garrus?”

Reading her mind, he spun out from cover and said, “I’m on it, Shepard.”  

He lined up Cain once more and fired the last round at the Banshee, taking it and all the other troops around it out.  It bought them time, but not much.  They needed to get out of here.  She tried again.

“Come in.  Anyone.  This is Commander Shepard.  We need a pick-up, ASAP.”

There was static, which made her hopeful, and then finally, “Commander?  Major Coats, here.  We’re on our way.  ETA is 2 minutes.”

“Roger that.  Thanks, Major.”

They stayed hunkered down where they were for now, since it was the most defensible place on the roof.  She was on her last thermal clip, and it had felt like two hours had passed before she finally saw the Alliance shuttle approaching on the opposite side of the building from them.

They all looked at each other and just made a run for it.  She reached the edge first, but motioned for Kaidan to go first.  Then Garrus, then James.  Finally, she took the leap across and grabbed the hand the reached for her without even looking to see where it came from.  She leaned over to catch her breath before looking up and saying, “Thanks.  We-”

The rest of the sentence died on her lips as she realized who had pulled her into the shuttle.  And for the first time, she had to fully admit to herself she’d been afraid she’d never see him again.

“Anderson.”


	46. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ugh, this chapter was so hard. I struggled with it every step of the way. It’s just...you know, the whole end of this game is so emotionally draining. :( (Or I am way too invested in the lives of fictional characters, but I’m not sure that’s possible, so….)  
> Anyways...here it is. Please let me know what you think. I always appreciate feedback so very, very much!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

He could tell that she hadn’t really noticed that he’d been the one to pull her into the shuttle.  With faint amusement he watched as she bent over to catch her breath.  She started talking before she had fully straightened herself, and as the words died on her lips, he grinned.

“Anderson.”

“Shepard.  Good to see you.”  Protocol be damned in this stupid war.  He held out his arms and pulled her into a hug.  " _Damn_ good to see you."

As she stepped back, she smiled and said, “Yeah...I can’t even tell you.”

“How’s the old man?”

Shepard laughed.  “Hackett?  Oh, you know.  Kicking ass.  Worried about you, though.  We both have been.”

Anderson thought back to the conversation he’d had with the other man when he first re-established contact.

_“What the hell do you think you’re doing David?  You should have gone with her!”_

_“Come on, Steven.  She doesn’t need me, but these people here_ do _.  There is no way they’ll make it until you can make it back without some sort of leadership.”_

_“She might not need you, but...I’ve just been thinking that you were right.  We put too much pressure on her, expect too much.”_

_He was sure he hadn’t heard that right.  “Excuse me?  I’ve been saying this for years, and now?_ Now _you decide I’m right?”_

_The other man sighed, and Anderson noticed the tiredness in his face and posture for the first time.  “It’s the end of the world, David.  I don’t know...I saw what they did, when I pulled the fleets back...I don’t know if we can win this.  I really don’t know.  If not, is this really how you want to spend your last days?”_

_“Fighting for a chance?  Hell yes, it is.  And you can’t tell me that you’re not exactly where you want to be.  Quit worrying about me, quit worrying about her, and just do what you do.  Get all this other crap out of your head.”_

_Hackett smiled, and he was happy to see some of the tiredness leave him._

_“If the man that’s stuck on Earth in the thick of it all says that, who am I to argue?”_

_Anderson snorted.  “If you actually stop arguing with me,_ then _I’ll be worried.  I’m not saying don’t keep an eye on her.  You still getting reports from Moreau?”_

_“Yeah.  She’s pushing herself too hard, but the things she’s accomplished…”_

_“I’ve heard the reports coming in.  Damn proud of her.”_

_“Me too.  Let me try to hail her.  She’d be happy to talk to you…”_

The shuttle tilted, bringing Anderson back to the present.  He looked at Shepard and said, “Yeah, well, the feeling was mutual.”

With a knowing smirk, she said, “I believe that the feeling made it’s way around.”

“I know you were angry with me when I told you to leave without me.  But look at what you accomplished when you did.  All of the races of the galaxy, here, united and ready to fight with you against the Reapers.”

“And you made sure there was still an Earth to save when we got here.”

He waved his hand dismissively.  “Nah.  I helped, but everyone in the resistance played their part.”

A very unprofessional snort sounded from behind him, and Anderson turned to glare at Major Coats.  The other man ignored him and instead focused on Shepard.

“Don’t listen to him, Commander.  You’re right.  Without him, none of us would be here.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Major.  I know better that to believe him when he’s doing the whole _modest_ thing.”

“So, this a common occurrence?”

“Unfortunately, yes.  In fact, did you know that his _fist_ is the real _Savior of the Citadel_?”

“Really?  That sounds like a good story.”

Anderson decided it was time to finally step in, saying, “And one for another time.”

He gave them each a pointed look.  Major Coats replied with a smirk, and Shepard with a wink.  Sighing, he ignored them and turned towards the other three occupants of the shuttle.  “Major Alenko, Vakarian.  It’s good to see you, too.  And Lieutenant Vega.  Thanks for keeping her safe.”

“Always, Sir.”

“Good.  Now, business.  We’ve managed to set up a FOB.  You’ve taken care of the cannon, so Hammer should be able to land and we can make a push for the beam.  We’re going to get one shot at this.”  He watched the feed on the monitor of the city below them.  “I hope we’re ready.”

A hand gently touched his shoulder, and he heard Shepard say softly, “We’re ready.  I promise.  It’s not easy to see your childhood home reduced to this, is it?”

He turned to her in surprise.  “How did you know?”

Shrugging, she said, “I may have found some things in your apartment.  I boxed them up, so I could return them to you after...all this.  Anyways, I know how it feels.  After Mindoir...for years, I didn’t want to go back.  I couldn’t face it.  But eventually, many years later, I did.  They rebuilt.  Without my family, it wasn’t quite the same for me, but the spirit of the community lived on.  London will rebuild.  Earth will rebuild.  The galaxy will rebuild.”  She smiled.  “But first, we have to take care of the uninvited guests.”

Pride washed over him as he listened to her.  Every other soldier in the shuttle had been listening to her words, and he had noticed renewed determination on most of their faces.  She was born for this role.  As much as he hated seeing the pressure heaped on her shoulders, he knew she was the only one who could stand under it.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he simply nodded and said, “Damn right.”

The rest was left unsaid as his pilot called back to let them know they were landing at the FOB.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard stepped off the shuttle and looked around at the carnage all around them.  Despite what she’d said to her team, to Hackett, and to Anderson, she wasn’t sure about anything.  She knew this was their only chance, and she would fight like hell to see it to the end, but deep down she knew she wouldn’t be making it to the other side of this battle.  Impulsively, her hand went into her pocket and closed around the OSD there.  She removed it when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Anderson gave her a half-hearted smile as he said, “It looks worse than it is, I promise.  It’s bad here because the Reapers are concentrated here.  Anyways, they’ve set me up in the building over there.”  He pointed off to the northeast.  “Come find me once you’ve found the rest of your team.  I’ll start putting together a plan.”

She nodded and he turned to make his way out of the building they had landed on.  Still holding the OSD in her hand, Shepard turned towards Kaidan, Garrus, and James.

“You guys go ahead.  I’ll try to find everyone else and meet you there.”

They did as she asked, and she took off to find everyone else.  They should have been arriving on other shuttles, but she hadn’t seen them yet.  Hopefully they all had made it.

It took a good twenty minutes, but eventually she had found everyone except for the one person she really wanted to find.  She knew Liara had made it because Tali had said she’d been on her shuttle.  She finally found the asari crouched between two buildings and typing on her omni-tool.

Making sure to make enough noise so as not to startle her, Shepard went to stand next to her.

“How’s Feron?”

Liara smiled and closed the connection before standing up.  “Good.  They've managed to already place several thousand refugees in safe zones throughout the galaxy."

"Good work, Liara."

"He's worried about me, though.”

"Rightfully so.  This isn't going to be easy."

"No, but you'll see us through."

"That's the plan." Shepard turned the OSD in her fingers.  "Liara, I wonder if I could ask a favor of you."

"Anything, Shepard.  You know that."

She handed the OSD over to the asari.  "If I...I don't make it through, can you make sure the files on this drive get to the right people?  They're labeled appropriately."

Liara took the drive, giving her friend’s hand a quick squeeze as she did.  “You know I understand wanting to be prepared no matter what.  I know that you don’t want to leave anything unsaid, but you’re going to make it through this.  We all are.”

“It’s funny.  I feel confident that we are going to defeat the Reapers.  I actually, really do.  But there is something telling me that my time may be up when theirs is.  I just want to make sure that this vital information gets to the right people if that’s the case.”

“Very well. I don’t think it will be necessary, but I promise you that I will do it.  I can even set it up now so that Glyph will automatically deliver them if I am unable to.  It will only take a moment.”

“Thank you, Liara.  I knew I could count on you.”

“Always, Shepard.”

Liara looped her arm through Shepard’s, and together they made their way to join Anderson and the others.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard!”

Anderson’s voice sounded in her ear, but for a moment she had no idea where she was.  What she did know was that she was in an incredible amount of pain, and there was a ringing in her ears.  But beyond, that there was an eery silence.  Groaning, she struggled to get to her feet, and to remember what she was doing.

She remembered fighting her way through London with her team.  She remembered firing the missile on the Reaper, and then making their way in a Mako towards the beam.  The Mako had been hit as Harbinger had appeared, so they’d made a run for it.

Oh god.  James had been hit.  She’d seen him lying under the Mako, covered in blood, and her heart had stopped.  He was still conscious, barely, when Kaidan had carried him onto the Normandy for her.  Typically stubborn as usual, he had argued with her, but he’d been in no shape to carry out his threats to follow her.  With a heavy heart, she’d turned her back on him, and continued towards her destination.

That was all she remembered.

“Anderson?  What happened?”

“I followed you into the beam.  I think we’re on the Citadel, but different parts? Although none of this looks familiar to me.”

“Okay, yeah.  I remember that.  Ugh.  I think I got hit.”

“Yeah, I saw it happen.  I couldn’t believe it when you got up again and walked straight into the beam.”

“Stubborn, remember?”

They continued to talk to each other over the comm, trying to to find each other in the rearranged Citadel.  Shepard did her best to ignore the piles of bodies all around her, and most definitely tried not to look for the faces of the people she knew.  She could worry, and mourn if necessary, later.  Right now her focus needed to be on finding Anderson and figuring out how to fire the Crucible.

She lost communication with Anderson right after he said he had spotted a platform.  Every step was excruciating, but she tried to pick up her pace as much as she could.  When she finally found him, he wasn’t alone.  Her vision blurred and she heard a buzzing in her ears as the Illusive Man stepped up behind her.  She listened to him go on about controlling the Reapers, and she could feel the attempt to control her, but she fought through it.  

Unfortunately, he had been able to take control just long enough to make her squeeze the trigger of her pistol.  As she watched Anderson clutch and the wound in his side, it took her a while to realize the sobbing she heard was coming from herself.  With renewed strength, she fought off the Illusive Man’s control.  He was beyond hope, but in the end, he acted with a small amount of honor, taking his own life so he couldn’t be used as a puppet anymore.

She heard Anderson collapse behind her as the link between them and the Illusive Man was severed and they regained full control of themselves.  It took an enormous amount of effort for her to not immediately run to him.  Instead, she slowly made her way to the console and sent the command for the arms to open, allowing the Crucible to dock.  

When she did finally turn around, she was relieved to see Anderson moving on his own, leaning up against a raised platform in the center of the room.  Moving as fast as her injuries would allow, she dropped to her knees next to him and frantically searched them both for some medi-gel.  Anything to stop the flow of blood from his side.  She hadn’t even realized that she’d started crying again until one of his hands stilled hers and the other reached up to wipe her tears away.

“Stop, Kiliane.”

“But...I have to fix this.  I-I s _hot_ you!  I have to _fix it_.”

“I don’t have any medi-gel, and even if I did, I’d give it to you.  It’s too late for me.”

“No!  Don’t say that.  Hang on, I’ll-”

“Kiliane, I said stop.”  She collapsed against him, sobbing, and felt his arm come around her, pulling her close.  “It’s not your fault.  You didn’t shoot me, it was him.”

“I tried to fight it.”

“I know...I know.”

He grew very still and very quiet and fear gripped her.  “Anderson?”

“I’m here.  Just...tired.  But look.”  He pointed towards the large window in front of them, and they sat in silence as the Crucible slowly came in to dock with the Citadel.  “You did that.  I’m so very proud of you.  My daughter.  Hope you don’t mind if I say that.”

“It’s an honor.  I-thank you.  For everything you’ve ever done for me.  I’m so sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.  You...did it...going to defeat them.”

His voice was fading.  She clutched at his shirt, saying, “Please stay with me.”

She felt his hand on the back of her head.  “I’m here.  Will you do me a favor?  Take care of Steven.  Make him..live.  Hmm...there was a girl once...never knew who.”

Shepard snorted.  “Karin.”

“Chakwas?”

“Yep.”

“How’d you know?”

“Female intuition.”

“Hmm...well.  Guess he’s in good hands then.  She’ll make sure he’s okay.”

“She’s always calling me the most stubborn, but she must not look in the mirror.”

His chuckle turned into a wet cough, and she winced at the sound.  She could hear his heartbeat slowing where her ear rested against his chest, and she knew she was running out of time to say what she wanted.

“Anderson?”

“Yeah?”

“I...loved my father, and was very close with him.  You and Hackett...even before I knew what you had done for me, you had filled some of that void that was left after he died.  I don’t think I can tell you how much that...how much _you_ mean to me.”

“We feel...the same…so...damn...proud...”

She listened as his breathing stopped, and his heartbeat slowed and then disappeared.  As she slowly came to terms with the fact that he was gone, her own injuries finally started to register with her.  And then she realized she was tired.  So incredibly tired.  Looking down, she saw a bleeding wound in her own side that she hadn’t noticed before.  She was covered in burns, her armor even fused to her skin in places.

He was right.  There was no way she should have gotten up again after being hit by Harbinger.  And she wasn’t going to be getting up again now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Something wasn’t right.  The Crucible was fully docked with the Citadel, but nothing was happening.  The scientists told him that something must need to be done from there.  Hackett had heard Anderson and Shepard talking to each other over the comm when they’d first boarded, but he’d lost them after Anderson had said he’d found a platform.  He’d been worried at first, but then the arms had opened.

Now he couldn’t raise either of them.

“Anderson?  Shepard?”

Still no response.

“Damn it.  Shepard, if you can hear me at all...something is wrong.  The Crucible won’t fire. There has to be something on your end that needs to be done.”

“Admiral…”

“Commander!  Do you see anything that you can do to make this fire?”

“I...not sure...try”

Her voice was slurred, and it sounded as if every word was taking an enormous effort.  

“Kiliane, are you okay?”

He waited what felt like an hour before he heard, “Not sure…”

That was it.  No matter what he said or how long he waited, he didn’t get another response from her.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is interested in seeing a poorly drawn Kiliane, it can be found here: http://becominglolalu.tumblr.com/post/92064659098/kiliane-shepard-she-wouldnt-let-me-write-any


	47. Keaghan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, shorter chapter, but I worked on a side-project this week, too. If you happen to be curious about what was on the OSD Shepard gave Liara in the last chapter, I did a little one-shot for that. It can be found on my profile under “Kiliane Shepard One-Shots” and is called Let Me Tell You. It is absolutely not a necessary read for this-just letting you know in case you were curious. :)  
> I have maybe one or two chapters left of this, and that makes me so sad. :’( Please let me know what you think, I always love all feedback!  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Anderson?  Shepard?”

Hackett’s voice sounded in her ear, but Shepard was struggling just to keep herself conscious.  She was so tired, and all she really wanted to do was close her eyes and go to sleep.

“Damn it.  Shepard, if you can hear me at all...something is wrong.  The Crucible won’t fire. There has to be something on your end that needs to be done.”

Shit.  No sleep yet.  She struggled to her feet, and slowly made her way back to the panel on far side of the room.

Engaging her comm, she managed,“Admiral…”

“Commander!  Do you see anything that you can do to make this fire?”

She looked down at the panel, but it was incredibly hard to focus when the words kept moving.  Shaking her head, she tried her best to focus on what she was looking at.  She engaged her comm again to try and ask Hackett what she was looking for.

“I...not sure...try”

She just couldn’t get the words out, so instead she focused on the panel, hoping she could find the answer they were looking for.  There was nothing.  There were controls for opening and closing the arms, and allowing docking, but nothing else.  

“Kiliane, are you okay?”

Unable to hold herself up anymore, she slowly lowered herself to the floor.  Once more, she tried to reach out to Hackett.

“Not sure…”

She couldn’t get any more out before she passed out.  She wasn’t sure how long she’d been out when she was jostled awake again by the floor below her moving.  Struggling to her hands and knees, she looked up and realized she was in a completely different part of the Citadel now.  At least she thought she must still be on the Citadel.  A glowing figure was slowly making it’s way towards her.

“Wake up.”

That voice sounded vaguely familiar, though it sounded distorted and far away.  As the mysterious figure drew closer, she made her way to her feet and slowly straightened.  For some reason, she was finding it easier to move.  It still hurt like hell, but her legs were able to fully support her own body.  Then she looked up at the apparition in front of her, and they almost gave out again.

“What the hell kind of sick joke is this?  What are you and why do you look like Keaghan?”

“I am the Catalyst, and I apologize.  I did not wish to offend.  I simply wished to present myself in a familiar way.”

Shaking her head, Shepard said, “Okay.  Putting aside the fact that you thought it was a good idea to take the form of my _dead brother_ , what do you mean you’re the Catalyst?”  A thought dawned on her before it could reply.  “You’re the intelligence that Leviathan spoke of.   _You_ created the Reapers.”

“Correct.  I have to admit that I am impressed with you.  Harbinger fears you, and that made me curious.  Now you’ve made it here, where no organic has been before, and you really should not be.  Look at you.  You shouldn’t even be walking right now.  Yet here you are.  I find that I am unsure what my next course of action should be.”

“Your next course of action is to call off your attack dogs.”

“It is not that simple.  We made them to solve a problem, and they have done that, but we do not control them.”

“But you are the Catalyst.  Integrated with the Crucible, you can destroy them.”

“Why would we do this?  They are the solution to the chaos that inevitably comes to every cycle.  They do exactly what they are meant to do.”

It went back and forth.  She listened to this thing that wore her brother’s face as it used it’s warped logic to explain why it was necessary to wipe out all the advanced species in the galaxy.  She argued at every turn, but it would not be swayed.  It firmly believed, somewhere in it’s flawed programming, that the way to protect life was to destroy life.

“We are obviously not going to agree.  But you did say before that you were unsure of what your next step should be.  What are your choices?”

“I believe they will be your choices.  The Crucible is connected.  You can use it to either destroy the Reapers or take control of them yourself.”

“Control _is_ possible?  Without indoctrination?”

“Yes, but I must warn you that if you choose to take control, you will lose your corporeal form.  Your consciousness will remain fully aware, but unable to do anything beyond controlling them forever.  If you choose to destroy them, you will also be destroying all other synthetic beings, and most of the technology, in the galaxy.”

“Why am I not surprised that the choices _you_ are offering are shitty?  You created the Reapers.  I’m not even sure I can trust you.”

“You can’t, but what choice do you have?”

More than this thing realized, but Shepard wasn’t going to tell _it_ that.  Instead, she asked, “So that’s it?  I can destroy everything, or I can control everything?”

“There...is a third option.  No other cycle was ready for it, but yours might be.”

“Oh yeah?  What option might that be?”

“Synthesis.”

“Synthesis?”

“Yes.  You could combine yourself with the Crucible and it would create something new.  All organic and synthetic life in the galaxy would be combined.  They would have understanding of each other, and there would be peace.”

On the surface, that seemed like an ideal option, and she was certain that’s what the Catalyst wanted her to think.  But the more she thought about it, the more she disliked it.  It reminded her too much of Cerberus and how they changed their troops by combining them with the Reapers.  She knew she only had one choice, and it was the choice the Catalyst did not want her to make.  

“I’m going to destroy you.”

“That is your choice.  I find it curious, though, that after working so hard to bring people together, you would choose the option to destroy synthetics. "

Sheppard smirked. "You're not as smart or as all-knowing as you think you are."

And then she drew her pistol and took her shot.  The last thing she saw was everything around her erupting in fire.

 

 

* * *

 

 

James was on his back on a cot in the Med Bay when he heard Hackett’s voice being broadcast throughout the ship.

“All fleets!  The Crucible is armed!  Disengage and head to the rendezvous point.  I repeat:  Disengage and get the hell out of here!”

He was on his feet and out the door in a few quick seconds, never even registering Chakwas shouting after him.

“EDI?  Where is Shepard?”

“I do not know, Lieutenant.  Her last known location was the Citadel.”

“So she’s not on this ship, we don’t know where she is, and we’re _leaving_?”

“I believe-”

He didn’t wait for her to finish.  “Patch me through to Hackett.  Now.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Hackett was not surprised when he got the hail from the Normandy.

“Lieutenant.”

“What do you think you are doing?”

“Ordering the fleets to safety.”

“You’re really going to leave her there?”

The anger in the lieutenant’s voice matched the pain he felt in his own heart.  But this had been the plan, and they’d all known it.  If she hadn’t hailed them immediately after it was armed, they were to leave.  They’d all try to regroup later.

Of course, that had been the plan before he’d spoken to her.  Before he’d heard her voice.  Heard how broken and completely out of it she’d sounded.

“No.  Well, not exactly.”

“Come again?”

“You and the Normandy are to leave.  All other ships, including mine, will leave.  We’ll regroup later as planned.”  Hackett stepped off of his shuttle onto the streets of London.  As he started making his way towards the beam, he said, “But I’m going to find our girl.”

“I’m coming with.  The Normandy can leave, I’ll take a shuttle.”

“No.  I talked to Ka-”  He caught himself and started over.  “Doctor Chakwas told me about your injuries.  She will kill me, and then Kiliane will kill me again.  You stay put, Lieutenant.  That’s an order.”

It took a moment for the reply to come.  When it did, he could hear the barely contained emotion behind it.

“Find her and keep her safe.”

“I will.”

They both knew it wasn’t, that it _couldn’t be_ , a promise.  But it was enough for now.  As Hackett made his way through the streets, he saw the bodies of the fallen everywhere.  While it deeply saddened him to think on all they had lost, his main focus was trying to find the woman that he thought of as a daughter and the man he considered his best friend.  He was a block from the beam when it abruptly went out, and then the Citadel exploded above him.

After only a second of looking on in horror, he spun on his heel and headed back to his shuttle.  He would have to get to them the via the shuttle.  So focused on his destination, Hackett didn’t even notice the Reapers dropping all around him.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

As Shepard slowly came into consciousness, she realized several things all at once.  First, she wasn’t in any pain, and she knew she should be.  Second, there was someone crouching in front of her, peering at her face.  Third, there was nothing around them.  No sound, no debris, no... _anything_.  Just white light.  And then she realized she was looking at her brother again.  Only this time, he didn’t looked like a ghostly apparition.  He looked solid and real.

“I am no longer willing to put up with this.  Put on a different face or go away.”

“Kili.  It’s really me.”

“Okay, that’s not funny.”

“When we were fifteen, we snuck out to go to a party with a bunch of older kids.  We got caught when we realized we had locked ourselves out of the house and had to sleep in the barn.  What no one knows about that night was that it was the only time that we got in trouble for something that was actually _my_ idea.”

Shepard absently wiped the tears from her face as she finished softly, “Because you had a crush on a senior girl, Bethany Fahey.  Am I dead, then?  I don’t remember this the last time.”

Keaghan gave her a sad look before replying.  “I’m not actually sure.  I could very well just be a figment of your imagination.”

“Yeah, that sounds likely.  That AI made itself look like you, so you’re the last thing I was thinking of.  So, then I’m not dead.  Just dying, probably.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I’m pretty sure it was my will to see the Reapers brought to an end that even kept me alive as long as I did.  Won’t be long now.”

“Kili?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to die?”

“No. But we don’t always get that choice, do we?”

“But sometimes we do.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re so certain that I’m just your own subconscious.  You tell me.”

“God, I forgot what an asshole you could be sometimes.  I miss you.”

“I miss you too, but you’re avoiding the question.”

Those grey-green eyes focused on hers with such an intensity that she started to squirm.  He could always do that to her.  See into her mind, and zero in on the one thing, that one grain of truth that she hid from even herself.

“You’re saying that I’m giving up?”

“Am I?”

“Oh, you are so incredibly frustrating!  I’m starting to think that you really are Keaghan, after all.”

He chuckled.  “Kili, even if I am just in you head, I’m still me.  You always knew me better than I knew myself.  Just like I know you better than you know yourself.  What is it that you’re so afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Liar.”

“Fine!  I’m afraid that this is all over now, and I don’t know what that means for me.  I’ve been doing this for so long now.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.  I don’t know what I _want_ to do now!”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Is it wrong for you to feel that way?  I’d say that it’s pretty understandable, actually.”

“But what do I _do_?”

He shrugged.  “You figure it out as you go, just like everyone else.”

“It’s just that easy, huh?”

That intensity came back.  “Just answer the question for me, one more time: Do you _want_ to die?”  

She shook her head, and he leaned over to kiss her forehead before whispering, “Then _live_.”

 

 


	48. James/Hackett

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Eeep! Sorry I’m a little late. I thought this was going to be the last chapter, but then it ended up going into two. So, yeah. One more! :-/  
> Let me know what you think! I love hearing from you. And thanks for all the new kudos! Yay! Those always make me so giddy. :)  
> BioWare owns all, I just can’t leave it alone

 

* * *

 

 

James had every intention of heading straight down to the shuttle bay and following after Hackett, but by then, Chakwas had caught up to him.  As she dragged him back to the Med Bay, he told her he was going to remember this the next time she called _him_ stubborn.  The sad look she had given him in response hadn’t helped his mood.  

Two days later, here they were, crash-landed on some planet light-years from Earth.  Light-years from Shepard.  Communication had not yet been reestablished, and he was going crazy waiting for everything to be repaired.  Tali had just let him know that she was close to having EDI back up, and once that happened, the rest of the repairs would go much faster.  It just wasn’t fast enough for him.

Kaidan had been doing his best to keep James occupied and distracted, but his mind always wandered back to Earth.  Had Hackett found her?  Was she okay?  He spent half the time worried out of his mind and the other half angry for allowing himself to be taken from her side when she needed him the most.  She’d had to finish the mission alone, and that was not the way it was supposed to happen.

Over the next week, he spent his days on the seemingly endless repairs, and he spent his nights drinking whatever alcohol he could find on the Normandy.  It was the only way he could sleep.  Every time he closed his eyes he relived the last time he had seen her.  When she’d looked at him like she was certain that it was the last time she would.  When she’d turned her back on him and walked towards that beam.  Everyone else on the ship was worried about him, and he knew it.  But they didn’t need to be.  He was fine.  

He’d just be better when they were on their way back to Earth.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shortly after arriving at what remained of the Citadel, Hackett had run into Commander Bailey and some of his men.  They were working hard, clearing rubble, and trying to find survivors.  Bailey had informed him that the Council was shaken up but safe, and he’d been quick to lend his men to the search for Anderson and Shepard.  The problem was that no one had any idea where to start.  From what conversation the admiral had managed to overhear, even _they_ had not known what part of the Citadel they were in.

They found the Illusive Man first, after about twelve hours of searching. And then Anderson, who had only been a few feet away, after another two.  Hackett had been extremely sad, but not surprised, as he looked down on his friend’s lifeless body.  He’d taken only a few minutes before promising his friend that he would mourn properly later.   _After_ he had found their girl.  The presence of Anderson hopefully meant that they were in the right area.  

At least that’s what Hackett told himself.  The truth was she could be anywhere, because he’d lost contact with both of them.  They could have been together when the Crucible had fired, or they could have been separated long before that.  He sincerely hoped that wasn’t the case, because the longer they looked, the clearer it became that she would not be in good shape when they found her.  If she’d been conscious, she’d have contacted them by now.  The longer she went without medical treatment, the worse her chances would be.

He knew that most of the people searching were certain they were looking for a body, but he refused to even entertain the thought that she hadn’t found a way to survive yet again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The pain was everywhere and all-consuming.  As Shepard slowly came back to consciousness, she tried to take a mental stock of her injuries.  In the end, she just decided everything was broken.  It was dark, and she was trapped under a pile of rubble.  There was no way that she’d be able to get herself out in this condition.  She couldn’t even get to her omni-tool.  Her only hope was if someone found her.

But where was she?  And was there even anyone else around _to_ find her?  She listened intently, but all she heard was silence.  Every so often, she’d hear rubble shift and prayed it wasn’t something that would fall on her, but there were no other sounds.  

She wasn’t sure how long she was there, drifting in and out of consciousness.  What she did know was that every time, it seemed to take a little more effort to bring herself fully awake.  She was running out of time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Admiral!  Admiral Hackett, sir!  We’ve found something.”

Hackett stopped in his tracks and took off running towards Bailey.  The other man was pointing towards a very large pile of twisted metal.

“My sensor is picking up something about five feet in.  It’s very faint, but I think there’s someone alive in there.”

It was her.  He knew it.

“Get everyone over here now, and start cutting through this mess.”

Bailey nodded and did as he asked, but then he put a hand on Hackett’s shoulder.  “If that’s her, she’s in really rough shape.  Her vitals are barely there.  You need to be ready.”

Brushing off the hand on his shoulder, he said, “Just get her out.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_The Normandy, One Week Post-Crucible_

 

“James?”

“Go ‘way.  ‘M sleepin.”

“And I’m sure you have a massive headache considering the empty bottles by your bunk, but that won’t stop me from making EDI sound the alarms to get you out of bed.  It’ll only make it more effective.”

“Pendejo.”

“Yes, but also your commanding officer.”

“Fine.   _Major_ Pendejo.”  James sat up and very slowly opened his eyes to glare at Kaidan.  “Okay, I’m up.  Now what’s the emergency?”

“We’ve reestablished contact with Earth.”

That woke him up fast.  “You’ve what now?”

“You heard me.  Admiral Hackett is on the line, and he wants to talk to you. You should go to the QEC.”

“Did he find her?”

Kaidan just shook his head, and said, “I think you should talk to him.”

The fear that gripped his heart at that simple statement propelled him up and out the door faster than he’d ever moved in his life.  It was only when he stepped into the QEC that he realized he hadn’t changed out the sweats he’d worn to bed the night before.  He only hesitated for a second before deciding that it didn’t matter.  

When he pulled up the comm, he was greeted by an admiral who looked very tired and sad.  His heart sunk a little more.

“You wanted to speak with me, Sir?”

“Lieutenant.  We found her.”

James waited for him to elaborate because he was too scared to ask the question.

“She...it’s bad.  She was trapped in the rubble for two days before we could get to her.  She’s holding on, but just barely.  They’re doing what they can for her, but with the state everything is in...it’s difficult.  She’s obviously top priority, but there are a lot of injured and medical facilities are destroyed, and doctors are scarce.”

“But she’s alive?”

“For now.  She was in and out of consciousness when we found her.  She said…”  Hackett let out a heavy sigh.  “She wanted you to know she loved you.”

James felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him.  She was saying good-bye.  The hell with that.

“Do you know anything about the Relays?”

“From what I understand, the precautions Shepard had her team working on with the Geth and Quarians made a big difference.  It should only be a matter of weeks, especially now that EDI and the Geth are back online.”  He met James’ eyes before continuing.  “I know that’s not what you want to hear.  I’m sorry.  I promise I’ll let you know the minute anything changes.  For what it’s worth, I wish you were here too.  I think your presence would help her.”

“Yeah, well...we’ll just have to make sure that happens sooner rather than later.  You tell her to keep fighting, and that I’ll be there soon.”

“I will.  Hackett out.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Earth, Two Weeks Post-Crucible_

 

Hackett looked down at the impossibly small figure in the hospital bed, taking her hand in his for the tenth time that day.  He’d been in and out, trying to coordinate bringing the galaxy back together, but his heart was always in this room.  There still was no change in her condition, and she hadn't regained consciousness since the day they’d found her.  

The implants Cerberus had given had failed, and the doctors here had been at a complete loss.  Luckily, once they’d reestablished contact with the Normandy, Karin had been able to transfer her files over.  Apparently Dr. T’Soni had anticipated something like this, and they’d been working on a solution.  They had done the best they could with their limited resources, but she was still in a coma, and they weren’t sure when, if ever, she’d wake up.

So he spent as much time here as he could, hoping that she’d eventually open her eyes and talk to him.  He often read his reports out loud to her, knowing that she’d be interested in the recovery process and hoping it might spur her recovery.  It was in the middle of one of those reports, that his omni-tool pinged with an incoming message.

“Hello, Lieutenant.”

“Sir.  Any changes?”

“Not yet.  I thought I saw her eyelids flutter earlier, but it was probably just wishful thinking.”

“Are you with her now?”

“Yeah.  I’m right next to her if there’s anything you want to say.”

“Hey, Lola.  So I just wanted to let you know that we finished the repairs on the Normandy today.  She’s ready to fly again.  As soon as the Luna Relay is back up, I’ll be on my way to you.  So...just wanted to give you fair warning.  I, uh...can’t wait to see you again, so you better be waiting for me when I get there.”  There was a slight pause before he added, “Thank you, Sir.”

“You’re welcome, Lieutenant.  I wasn’t aware your repairs were done.  And your Relay?”

“We just finished with the Normandy.  EDI says the Relay will be ready tomorrow, but Luna Relay took the most damage so will probably take longer?”

Hackett got up from his chair and walked towards the window, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to relieve some of the tension he’d had for the last...year.  He sighed.  “Yeah, they’re telling me it will still be at least another couple of days.  Still, if Shepard hadn’t thought ahead...they say we’d be looking at months, if not years.”

There was a soft cough behind him that he didn’t even pay attention until it was followed by a soft voice, “Good thing I’m around to cover your asses then.”

“Was that...”

Hackett barely registered the lieutenant’s question as he spun around in surprise.

“Shepard.”

“Hello, Admiral.”

Looking down at her, he fought the urge to gather her up in his arms.  Instead, he just smiled and said, “How do you feel?”

“Like hell.  Did I hear James?”

“Oh!”  Hackett suddenly remembered the other man was still on the line.  “Lieutenant?”

James’ voice was quiet when it came through.  “Hey, Lola.  It’s really good to hear your voice.”

“You too.  So, did I hear right?  Am I going to see you soon?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, about a week if everything goes as planned.”

“Good.”

“You sound tired, Lola.  I’m gonna go.  But...uh...yeah.  I can’t even tell you how happy I am to hear you.  I love you.”

Hackett felt somewhat like a third wheel as he listened to them, but seeing the happiness on her face as he disconnected the call made any little bit of awkwardness completely worthwhile.

He reached down and squeezed her hand before saying, “I should probably go let the doctors know that you’ve woken up.  They’ll probably want to check on you.”

Hackett turned to leave, but she gripped his hand tighter so he looked down at her again.  Her expression had changed to sadness, as she said, “Anderson…”

“I know.  We found him.  He’ll be given a hero’s burial once we have the Relays working again.”

“No, I...I’m the one who shot him.”

“What?”

“The Illusive Man was controlling me, but it was my hand that pulled the trigger.  I just thought you should know.  I’m sorry.”

Hackett saw the tear fall down her cheek, and he reached down to wipe it away.

“No.  Don’t.  You didn’t do it.  You know that he knew it wasn’t you.  Shepard, you _saved_ us all.  You united the galaxy and destroyed the Reapers.  We knew there would be casualties, and yes, I sure as hell wish he hadn’t been one of them, but it is _not_ your fault.”

“I know, it’s just...it’s…”

“It hurts.  I know.  God, do I know.  But we’ll get through this, and we’ll carry on.  Because you gave us that chance.  Now,”  He squeezed her hand once before letting it go.  “Let me go get those doctors, huh?”


	49. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BioWare owns all, I just can't leave it alone.

 

* * *

 

 

_Five Years Post-Crucible_

 

Kiliane looked in the mirror for what was probably the hundredth time.  She would never be comfortable in a dress, no matter how often she wore one.  How she had allowed Kasumi to talk her into the low cut and form-fitting one she currently wore, she’d never know.  It had been pretty on the rack, in her favorite shade of red and covered in lace.  But the deep V in the front, and even deeper one in the back, left her feeling more exposed than she was used to.

As she adjusted it for the umpteenth time, she heard a whistle behind her.

“Damn.  I really hate leaving, but I could get used to coming home to this.”

Forgetting about the dress, she flung herself into her husband’s arms.

“Oh, thank God, you made it back in time.  I really didn’t want to do this alone.”

“Hey, of course.  I promised I would.”

“You cut it awfully close, I was worried.  I know that you can’t always count on a mission getting wrapped up perfectly on time.”

“Yeah, but I’m the officer in charge of said mission.  So if I say the mission needs to be wrapped up so I can get home in time for my wife’s big night, then the mission gets wrapped up in time.”

“Well.”  She snaked her arms around his neck and placed a quick kiss on his lips before smirking.  “Sounds like you have a more well-behaved set of marines under your command than I ever did.  In fact, I remember this one lieutenant during the war who was as hard-headed as they come.  Wouldn’t even use my rank, instead he insisted on giving me a nickname.”

“You must have eventually whipped him into shape.”  
“Nah.  Actually, he sorta grew on me.  Decided to marry him instead.”

“Lucky bastard.”  James bent his head down and kissed her deeply, running his hands up her back and over her shoulders before curling his fingers into her hair.

“Oh, no you don’t!”  

Reluctantly pulling apart, they both turned to where Kasumi stood in the doorway.  “Do you even know how hard it was for me to get her to sit still long enough to do that to her hair?”  Kasumi indicated to where she had pulled Kiliane’s hair up into a loose bun, with a few soft waves framing her face.  “You are just going to have to wait until after the ceremony for all that business.  It’s not my fault that you’re so late.  By the way, I have your suit in the closet in the other room.  Come on.”

Kiliane could only laugh at James’ helpless expression as the little thief looped her arm through his and pulled him into the other side of their hotel suite.  

They were in Vancouver to attend a ceremony to mark the fifth anniversary of the end of the Reaper War.  Somehow, she had let Hackett talk her into being the keynote speaker.  Kiliane had done her best to keep herself out of the public eye for the last several years.  It had gotten easier as time went on.  She’d given the Alliance two years after the war before retiring.  James had started the N courses as soon as they resumed, and he’d earned his N7 designation about the time she was retiring.  

They’d had a small wedding ceremony aboard the Normandy, with only their closest friends aboard, before she officially transferred command of the vessel over to him.  The rest of the Admiralty board had readily agreed with Hackett’s suggestion that if the ship wasn’t to be with Shepard any more, it belonged with one of her crew.  Kiliane was pretty sure that the Admiral who led the united armies of the galaxy against the Reapers could tell them he thought it would be a good idea if they conducted their meetings live on Galactic News while wearing pink frilly dresses, and they would all agree.  But she was happy that her ship, that had once been Anderson’s, would be kept in the family.

The Normandy, and her crew, had become a symbol of hope to everyone in the galaxy.  No matter what situation they found themselves in, if the Normandy appeared, they knew that they would be okay.  So Shepard spent the two years after the war as basically a morale booster.  They had won, but the Reapers had left a lot of devastation in their wake.

After proving her ability to unite people during the war, they used her to help keep them united.  People had been panicked and scattered, and suddenly the whole landscape of the galaxy had changed.  She helped keep the peace, as people adjusted to the new reality.  For the most part, it had been a very rewarding experience.  What she saw while she was out there confirmed that she had made the correct decision with the Crucible.  The vast majority of the people were ready to live peacefully beside their fellow lifeforms, organic and synthetic.  

Of course, there would always be people who caused trouble.  There would always be slavers and pirates and the like.  And when she handed the Normandy over to James, it’s mission changed.  He’d spent the next two years chasing down and taking out the bad guys.  He’d been very good at it, and had quickly developed a reputation among the various merc groups as someone to watch out for.  

Then, about a year ago, Hackett and Kaidan had come to him with a new assignment.  Apparently there had been rumors of Cerberus’ name popping up in certain places.  The Council wanted it investigated quietly and taken care of quickly.  They’d assigned it to Kaidan who had immediately come to the Alliance and requested the Normandy and her crew.  With the understanding that Commander Vega was to remain in command of the ship and all Alliance personnel aboard, they’d agreed.

The two men had worked well together, and had managed bring down several hidden pockets of surviving Cerberus members and sympathizers.  Kaidan tracked them down, and James and his team would move in.  They had done such a good job, in fact, that both the Alliance and the Council wanted their partnership to continue.  The two men had readily agreed.  They’d built a solid friendship over they years based on their mutual admiration of each other.

Kiliane was happy with the arrangement for one very selfish reason: It kept her in contact with a good number of her former team members.  There was Kaidan, of course.  And Joker and EDI.  Gabby and Kenneth had also stayed aboard the Normandy.  Garrus had become a Spectre, and he sometimes worked with them as well.  When he did, Tali and their daughter would usually visit with Kiliane.  

And Miranda.  She and Kaidan had married in secret about a year after the war, and waited nearly six months before they told anyone.  At first, Kiliane had been surprised, but after she’d had time to think about it, it made a lot of sense.  They were both incredibly driven people.  And fiercely loyal, though they had both learned to not be blinded by that.  When it came right down to it, they were good for each other, especially Kaidan for Miranda.  He softened her, and she opened herself up more.  She and Kiliane had actually grown incredibly close.

Kiliane didn’t see the rest of her former crew quite as often, but they did keep in touch.  Wrex and Bakara were busy rebuilding Tuchanka.  Grunt had reformed Aralakh Company, and Wrex was grooming him to take over as clan leader one day.  Liara and Feron continued to run the Shadow Broker’s vast network, but the mysterious broker’s reputation in the galaxy had changed over the years-for the better.

Jack continued to teach at Grissom Academy.  She and Kahlee Sanders had become close friends, both of them completely devoted to their students.  Kasumi had kept busy doing...what Kasumi did.  Every so often, Kiliane would receive a book and a handwritten note from her friend.

Jacob and Brynn traveled throughout the galaxy, along with their children, helping small and remote colonies rebuild.  Samantha had actually traveled with them for a time, setting up communication networks, before meeting a woman on one of the colonies and deciding to stay.

Both Samara and Javik had disappeared after the war.  Kiliane knew that the last Prothean had finally joined the rest of his ancestors, but she suspected that Samara was alive on a remote planet, keeping a certain Ardat-Yakshi away from the rest of the galaxy.  She’d be following her code, and spending time with her remaining daughter.     

The two people she probably saw the most though, were Steve Cortez and Dr. Chakwas.  Steve had taken her advice to heart, and had decided to really start living again.  He’d gone back to piloting fighters for the Alliance, and he had allowed James to set him up with his childhood friend, Blake.  The two had hit it off, and the four of them spent a good amount of time together.

In the months following the war, while she was recovering from her extensive injuries, Kiliane had finally guilted the full story from both Hackett and Dr. Chakwas.  Apparently, they’d had a brief but meaningful affair several years ago, but had ended it when their careers pulled them in opposite directions.  The Reaper War had made them, along with almost everyone else in the galaxy, reevaluate a few things.  Kiliane was incredibly grateful that her children now had _Grandma Karin_ and _Grandpa Steven_ to spoil them rotten.

Her children.   After everything Cerberus had done, and after all of her injuries from the Crucible, she never thought she’d be able to have children of her own.  Her and James talked about adoption, but decided to wait until he was closer to retiring.  So they had been shocked when she’d found out she was pregnant only a few months after their wedding.  They had been even more surprised when they’d found out it was twins.

April and Anderson, called Andy for short, were the best things that had ever happened to her.  And that was saying a lot.  Because looking back, she’d had some really rough times, but she’d also had some pretty great times, surrounded by some of the most amazing people in the galaxy.  

“You ready to go, Lola?”

James’ voice broke her out of her reverie, and she smiled at him before looping her arm through the elbow he offered her.  As they made their way down to the waiting skycab, she reflected once more and decided that she would never trade a single one of the moments with the people most dear to her.  Even the ones that were bittersweet in her memories.  They’d all led her to this point, to this life.

And it was a good one.  One she was going to _live_.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s the end of Kiliane’s story. For now, at least. I can’t believe it’s over! Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this, to comment, kudos, etc. This was my first real attempt at fanfiction, and I loved every single terrifying minute of it, lol. I am seriously grateful to all of you.  
> A special thanks to Jules Hawk for sticking with me almost every step of the way, and for offering so many words of encouragement and advice along the way. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me.
> 
> Dress reference: http://becominglolalu.tumblr.com/post/94174214318  
> Hair reference: http://becominglolalu.tumblr.com/post/94443637818


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